The Immediate Aftermath


You have been dis-engaged from. The all too inevitable entanglement with our kind. Whether we disappeared without a word, told you we needed space for ourselves or hurled insults at you as to why we hated you and wanted you to drop dead, the fact remains you have been dis-engaged from. Your emotions are raw as this event was only a couple of weeks ago.

To exacerbate this unpleasant, bewildering and upsetting situation you know that we have a new love interest. With what seemed to you to be unnatural haste, we have been seen with a new lady on our arm, your stalking of our Facebook profile reveals we have a new boyfriend from the plethora of loved-up comments and repeated pictures of us arm in arm, grinning out at you as if we are revelling in your misery. You have not yet ascertained that as we devalued you, your replacement was being seduced and to all intents and purposes we appear to have dumped you and secured another partner in the blink of an eye. How could we do this? After all the things we said to you and all the deep and unwavering love that you have showed us, how could we be so uncaring, so nasty, such a downright bastard?

Your head is a whirlwind of questions? Why did he end things? Why did she do it that way? Who is the new person? What if they are happy together forever? What did you do wrong? What about sorting out those joint financial commitments? Could you have done something differently? Is there a chance of working things out? How can someone change like that? These questions and hundreds more torment you and it becomes unbearable. You need to talk to us. You alternate between hurt and angry, shifting between wanting to plead with us for another chance and then wanting to kick us in the balls. Most of all however, you want answers.

What then will happen if you decide to approach us during the aftermath? What reaction will you be met with if you send a message asking for answers to your questions or if you turn up somewhere to meet us in person for the purpose of obtaining some explanations? Naturally, at this juncture, undoubtedly unaware of who you have been entangled with, you do not know that you will not be given those answers. In part this is because there are no answers to give – why should we deign to answer you and do something that you want? Furthermore, many times we just do not have an answer because of the different perspective from which we operate. Add to that we will purposefully avoid giving you answers in order to keep you primed for a later hoover, to draw fuel from you and to frustrate you also.

As you may imagine, the reaction of our kind to being contacted during the initial aftermath of the dis-engagement will vary dependent on the school of narcissist that you have been dealing with. Before that is addressed, you should be aware of our general mind set at this time. You failed us. You may not have done anything wrong from your perspective but we regard you as having failed us and this led to our fuel needs being sought elsewhere and once they were secured, you were dis-engagement from. This is the most common reason for being discarded; we found a new primary source and once we were satisfied that this person was embedded, then we tossed you to one side. There are other reasons why you are discarded (see  5 Reasons We Discard You ) but the fact we have a new primary source embedded is the most common one.

When that happens we are infatuated with the new primary source. You are effectively forgotten about. You were once idealised, then you were demonised and now it is as if you do not exist because we have someone new and exciting to focus on. We do not want anything spoiling this golden period least of all the last appliance which failed us and malfunctioned and had to be placed on the scrap heap. Accordingly, if you make an appearance in some way by entering a sphere of influence  (The Spheres of Influence) then our reaction will be based on you being persona non grata and if you persist our view of you is one of antipathy, dislike and you are painted black.

Turning to the three schools of narcissism for their nuanced response to your appearance.

The Lesser

There is a good chance that the Lesser will have blocked you from social media and contacting him as part of him considering you effectively dead to him. If he has not done so and you send a message it will be ignored. He has no interest in drawing fuel from you at this point, someone else is servicing his fuel needs and you are just an irritant. If you persist in ringing or sending messages you can expect the following responses:-

“Stop ringing me I hate you.”

“Stop sending me messages, I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“Fuck off.”

“Keep contacting me and I will come down there and give you a kicking.”

The message is clear; you are unwelcome and the Lesser Narcissist wants nothing to do with you.

If you see the Lesser Narcissist and try to talk to him, he will evade you, tell you where to go and make a hasty retreat. He is not interested in you and if you try to stop him you can expect a savage verbal assault or even a physical assault as he wants you to leave him alone so he can concentrate on his new primary source. He has nothing to discuss with you, has no interest in fuel from you at this point and would prefer you to be dead.

The Mid-Ranger

If you are attempting to contact the Mid-Ranger through messages and telephoning you will also be ignored initially. If you persist in trying to make contact with him or her for the purposes of getting some answers, you can expect the following responses:-

“Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you.”

“Stop stalking me.”

“Keep this up and I am informing the police.”

“Just stop, it is over, you have to accept it.”

The paranoia of the Mid-Ranger will mean that he is concerned you will wreck things with his new primary source by telling lies (the truth) about him. Whilst you’re contacting him, he will be showing the new primary source that you are pestering him to accord with the smearing you will have already received. This smearing will continue as you are painted as an obsessive who will not let go, a stalker with mental health issues and a bunny boiler who cannot accept the relationship is over. The new primary source, the façade, the coterie and the Lieutenants will all be told about this ongoing behaviour (suitably embellished) so you are regarded as crazy and out of order. The Mid-Ranger thus preserves the façade and creates a toxic environment so if you do manage to see him or her face to face, you will not be believed and seen as trouble maker.

If an in person encounter takes place, you can expect the Mid-Ranger to want to get the hell out of there. He is preoccupied with the new primary source, he does not want you spoiling that arrangement and wants you to disappear. Lacking the aggression of the Lesser, he will wheel out Lieutenants to make you go away, threaten the use of law enforcement and appeal to others to see exactly why he needed to get rid of you in the first place. He also does not want fuel from you, he just wants you to clear off and leave him to get on with his new play thing unhindered.

The Greater

It is the Greater who welcomes you foolishly getting in touch during his new golden period with the replacement primary source. Suitably confident of his abilities and this new entranced primary source, if you begin to message him, he will seize on this chance to triangulate you with the new primary source, to punish you for failing him and to manipulate you further.

Your text messages and calls will be met with a friendly and amenable response. All the while, the Greater, already having smeared you left, right and centre, will be revelling in you trying to broker a meet-up in order to talk. He will be telling the façade and coterie that he feels sorry for you, that he needs to humour you so you don’t do anything crazy and thus paints himself as the good guy to all those watching. His responses will be along the lines of:-

“Good to hear from you, I hope you are well, what do you want to talk about?”

(What he really means is, good to hear from you because I can manipulate you, I know you aren’t well but what do I care, make me feel special by telling me what you want to talk about.)

“Well, yes we can meet-up but you do know I am with someone else now don’t you, so don’t get any ideas okay?”

“I don’t really see what there is to talk about, but I am willing to listen, I am reasonable.”

“Yes okay we can meet up if it will help you deal with what has happened.”

This apparent caring attitude and pleasantness is all fake. You are being strung along.

When you do meet the Greater, you can expect the new primary source to be there to add to your humiliation as the Greater looks lovingly at her, says good things about her and then when she goes to get a drink, the Greater will lean across the table and snarl at you for having the audacity to get in touch.

If the new primary source is not brought along, the Greater will toy with you, like a cat with a mouse. Letting you speak, enjoying the fuel as you plead, cry and become angry with him or her. He will feign dismay at your behaviour whilst inside he is laughing at you, pleased with this further boost of fuel, supremely confident that you cannot wreck his new golden period because you have been smeared and character assassinated to a figurative death. Nobody is going to believe you and therefore he is not going to pass up the chance to draw fuel from you, both positive and negative once again. He of the three is the one who is content to respond and meet with you, not that it will get you anywhere at all.

Tempting as it is to want to contact the narcissist when you have been dis-engaged from and he is in a new golden period, you will get nowhere. He has someone new now and wants to focus on her. You are an irritant, an annoyance, a reminder of failure or in the case of the Greater something to toy with further for the purpose of gaining fuel. Instead, use the period whilst the narcissist is distracted with his new plaything to build your defences, gain understanding and prepare for the hoovers which will be following down the line.

18 thoughts on “The Immediate Aftermath

  1. ajo says:

    Curious… the midrange describes what I encountered EXACTLY! However, if this is so, why would they ever hoover? If they just go from one IPPS to another and see us as a threat to their source, why would they hoover us?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Because they want your fuel, because YOU owe it to THEM owing to your treachery and they will hoover when the new IPPS is being devalued and they have invested in you and see you as susceptible to their overtures.

      1. Ajo says:

        But if he is devaluing her, he will have another woman lined up and is getting her prepared to be his new IPPS. I guess that’s why I am confused. So if I get a Hoover and he contacts me, it’s pretty safe to say that he is getting dissatisfied with her and a discard is probably happened or on the horizon?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Dis-engagement. Yes, unless you have contacted him during the golden period and his hoover of you is malign in nature.

  2. Kristi says:

    Hi HG. Was wondering if you could give me your insight.

    My narc only comes back when I’m in a relationship and once I leave that relationship for the narc, he runs away and doesn’t answer me. I move on and get in a relationship and it can be years later that he comes back and gives me attention, insinuates a future together, when I leave the next relationship for him, he runs away again (within a few days of me letting him know I still have feelings for him). He did this recently after 14 years.

    We didn’t had a lengthy initial relationship (5-6 months) but each time he comes back he says he ended a 2 or 3 year relationship. Why did he never choose to have a longer relationship with me…but has longer relationships with others? What is the reasoning. It’s like he is afraid of spending long amounts of time with me but wants to make sure I still feel the same about him.

    Is that narc behavior…or could it be something else?

    Thanks in advance.

  3. Elle says:

    Has anyone here ever gotten revenge on the narcissist in their life? HG, has anyone tried it with you?

    I think I’m over the asshole, but then a random thought comes about and I’m seething with rage. Why should he get away with treating me this way? Why should he get to go on abusing people with no consequences, because we’re told “the best revenge is to live well”. Is it really? How is me “living well” and letting him get away with treating me that way any revenge at all? It doesn’t do anything but tell him it was okay to treat me like garbage, or anyone else for that matter, because no one will do anything about it.

    Unfortunately it’s hard to get him off my mind because he lives nearby and we frequent the same shops, etc. Luckily I haven’t run into him yet, but it’s bound to happen. I just have the urge to piss him off. Quick, someone tell me why I shouldn’t expose him to his girlfriend and ruin his life.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They have and failed.

  4. Tina says:

    I lost everything to be with a narcissist. My home , my children, friends, my job, my pride, self esteem, and my mind. He was like a horrible drug. And after I gave up everything to make him happy he “discarded” me. The pain was so immense I tried to commit suicide. I just wanted the pain to stop.
    Anyone reading this please listen to HG.
    And believe it to be truth.
    You will never win because they are always changing the finish line. NEVER.

    1. MLA - Clarece says:

      I’m glad you are here Tina! ❤❤

    2. Patricia says:

      You will win Tina because you are free of that abusive addiction and you can now find your way back to the real you and healthier, happier relationships.I know that pain is overwhelming and consuming but the discard was actually a gift. Your loss of that Narc was a actually a gain I am so happy you are learning here and that you are getting better, I am eternally grateful for the knowledge Mr. Tudor is giving us all.

    3. Narc affair says:

      Hi tina…im so sorry that happened to you ❤ heres to healing and a better future ((hugs))

  5. Nat says:

    What if he doesn’t want to meet but says “I will probably want to come back one day, but you I guess you will not want me anymore”. Is that more a mid-range ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, that is a passive aggressive comment which is more often used by the Mid Range Narcissist.

    2. ajo says:

      My midranger said the same thing before I found out he had been cheating and exposed him. They want you to wait for them.

  6. Matilda says:

    Mine used tactics of the Mid-Ranger and the Greater such as implying that I was turning into a stalker (*despite* him initiating contact) and pointing out that I had to accept that the relationship was over. But also offering to speak one last time. Coward that he is, he did not follow through with that. At least, he was consistent in his gutlessness.

    I do not believe in drowning your feelings in alcohol, drugs, or psychotropics. You need a clear mind to walk through hell. There were nights the pain was overwhelming, I prayed that my heart may stop in my sleep. It’s those nights I remember when another hoover message lands in my inbox, when he’s admitting wrong-doings, asking to meet, pleading for forgiveness. Did *he* show any mercy? No. Then, why should I? I pay him back in kind now. That’s only just.

  7. Barbara says:

    I just wanted to talk to you, to discuss the things you did to me, but you wouldn’t have it. Coward, you ran & hid, but in the silence you brought, I enjoyed the silence, the silence brings peace & I am thankful you wouldn’t talk with me.

  8. Jeff says:

    Obviously your sick fuck ass gets fuel from hearing our response. Need a light bitch?

  9. Kettle says:

    I was “lucky”. I was the one who decided to leave each and every time. But I always felt pushed out of the relationship. And thanks to HG I do not even have any question for him to answer. All is clear.

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