The Eight Exploitations of Empathy


You are an empathic individual. This is why we chose you. This is why we want people like you because you have certain traits which appeal considerably to us. You have traits which are ripe to be exploited by us and only someone like you can provide such an opportunity to our kind. You have certain traits which we need to exploit for our own purposes; these are eight of them

1. Trust

You cannot operate without trust. You trust us with your heart from the very outset. You readily give it to us and allow us to place our hands around it. You trust us to keep it safe and protect, unaware that our nefarious hands covet the provision of your heart. Your trust is absolute and unconditional and this enables us to exploit it repeatedly by doing as we please,acting behind your back and breaching your trust over and over again. Your reaction when you learn of our breach of this sacred trait is enormous and fuel-filled and the driver behind our need to take and shatter your trust. The concept of trust is so inviting that even though we will fracture it, we will endeavour to repair it and win it back just so we can breach it again.

2. Honesty

Your openness and honesty results in your signing your own fate by furnishing us with so much information about yourself. From your hopes and desires through to your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. You are content to detail it all to us as you live by a code of honesty, always wanting to tell the truth and for the truth to be provided to you. We know you operate by this trait and we will feign to be an honest person at the outset, free with our expressions of how we truly feel about you. How more honest can we be than to tell you that you are the person we have waited our whole lives for? Yet, honesty is for you and never for us because we operate in the shadows of dishonesty. Your honesty may be a strength in your eyes but to us it is a weakness as you have opened yourself up before us, exposing yourself to us, showing your neck to us as our forked tongue slides across our sharpest teeth.

3. Decency

You must always do the right thing. To do anything else is anathema to you and we know that this attribute of yours leaves you susceptible to our many machinations. You are polite and well-mannered. This means that you will accord with our initial overtures and listen attentively to whatever we say. You accept graciously our gifts, not realising that they are bribes to ensure you become chained to us. You always answer our calls, reply to our messages and open your door when we appear, not matter how often or how unannounced. This requirement to be civil and decent allows us to frequent you to such a degree that our charm is in and around you so often that you have no chance other than to succumb to it. You will not turn away, you will not slam the door in our faces but instead give us the toehold and time of day to weave our malign magic over you and seduce you.

4. Equality

You expect to be treated as you treat others and when the devaluation eventually commences and you find that such concepts as consideration, reciprocity and equality of treatment are missing, your alarmed and emotional response is the engine for the fuel we need. You operate by the maxim of do unto others as you would have them do unto you and thus you treat us with love, affection and kindness. Its absence by return causes you considerable consternation and upset, which enables us to draw the fuel from you in significant amounts.

5. Fidelity

To be faithful and receive fidelity in return is of significant importance to you. Your own dedication to the ideal of faithfulness means that we have little concern that you will have your head turned by others, no matter how badly we treat you. You will not transgress this ideal, even though you may suspect or even know of our own flagrant disregard for the concept of fidelity, you will remain true to it. It pains you, it hurts you but as a person of principle you will abide by it. You do not do this through any notion of pride or to seek some kind of accolade, but you do it because it is part of you. A constituent part of your moral fibre and full in the knowledge of this sterling attribute of yours, we shall do as we please with little concern that you will treat us in the same way.

6. Tenacity

You do not give up. You exhibit an indefatigable spirit which invades every element of who you are. You will not give up on the idea of you and me. You will do whatever it takes to please me, to win back my golden grace which you once delighted in. You will hang in there determined to ensure we get back on track. You will not walk away because to do so would be to admit failure and this is not something that you can countenance. No matter how bad the abuse, no matter how terrible your treatment, you will cling on as a consequence of this trait. We are well aware of this and welcome such a tenacious approach, for it provides with a guarantee of your attention and support.

7. Healing

You desire to heal and to fix is perhaps one of your most notable traits. The desire to nourish the good in people and bring it to the fore. You believe that everybody is capable of becoming better, including yourself which is why you are so selfless and giving. You strive to find the ways of making a situation better for somebody, you want to make the sad person become happy, the worried person calm and to ease the concerns of all you come across. Most of all you want to fix us because you believe we can be fixed. We will not disavow you of such a notion, not at all, it serves our purposes to keep you thinking that you can make a difference.

8. Loving

Your love is immense. Unconditional, vast and seemingly unending. Like the largest reservoir, your love is that which we must ensnare and once achieved we drink from it with an unending thirst. You are devoted to the idea of love and we will exploit this repeatedly. We exert control over you by suggesting to you that you must not love us if you will not do that what we want. We test your love for us by placing immense demands upon you knowing that you will always rise to the challenge. Your love for us is such that it is sweeter than that which might be obtain from others but it also remains intact for far, far longer. It endures the torrid devaluation and the heartless abandonment so that we know we can count on being able to come back once again and take hold of your love yet again for our own unsavoury and malicious purposes.

43 thoughts on “The Eight Exploitations of Empathy

  1. Tappan Zee says:

    By all means. You would find it advantageous to do so however before there is any deterioration for the purpose of protecting yourself.

    ^ funny not funny. we deteriorate first :/

  2. Greg League says:

    So I’m loving with a woman I believe is a narcissist, and we slept together for the first 2 months. She ended things by saying she has no romantic feelings for me but she was utterly unconcerned about any of it and continued acting completely normal. We bought groceries and cooked together, and she wanted to continue but I said no. She’s not violent or abusive, just cold and lacking empathy. I’m wondering what I should expect out of the next 10 months of us living together. Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation?

    1. Greg says:

      *living with not loving with

      1. Twilight says:

        Hello Greg

        I do hope you don’t mind me jumping in

        Suspicion is a warning many ignore until it is to late.
        Better to be prepared and not need said preparation then to need it and not have it.

        I suspected a person being one of his kind and consulted with him, if I had not this person may have succeeded in convincing others I broke both a state and federal law.

        Your situation doesn’t sound as serious as mine turn out to be, I recommend his consults anytime someone suspects or has questions on how to handle a situation. HG has helped me with many issues and has always been accurate with the advice he has given me.

        I wish you well in which ever choice you make.

      2. Greg says:

        Certainly something to consider. Fortunately I have people close to me who are aware of the situation and have a strong grasp of narcissism (one having been raised in a cult). Unlike some here, I am not alone in this, should it turn out poorly. I realize my friends aren’t experts but I’m not quite ready to spring for expertise just yet, though I’m glad to have the option should I decide it’s necessary.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      Move out. Go no contact.

      1. Greg says:

        What if that’s not really an option? So far I’ve been engaging with her minimally, I don’t ignore her if she talks to me but I don’t strike up conversations or try to keep then going. So far it hasn’t seemed to change anything but it’s only been a couple weeks.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Why isn’t it an option?

      2. Greg says:

        I have a lease and I don’t have the money to break the lease. Also I’m stubborn. I found the house and put down the deposit (she and my other roommate reimbursed me later for their shares) and I like where I live. I also have a good relationship with my landlord which is very difficult to find in this city. What will happen if I don’t leave?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Options :-

          1. Maintain the lease and see if you can live somewhere else for a period of time until the lease expires;
          2. Try to get her to leave;
          3. Remain.

          If you want to know how to deal with the third option as I suspect you will not consider one and two viable, then I need more information about her, the scenario etc and therefore the most appropriate way to receive this information and provide you with insight and steps you can take is through a consultation.

      3. Greg says:

        Understood. If things begin deteriorating I will take you up on that.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          By all means. You would find it advantageous to do so however before there is any deterioration for the purpose of protecting yourself.

      4. Greg says:

        I would agree, however I’m not 100% certain she is a narcissist. It is just a strong suspicion at this point.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Even more reason to establish whether she is.

  3. deifilia says:

    These cannot be real thoughts? Nobody will love another person unconditionally, at least not to this point. There is no chance they don’t understand this. Why else would they try so hard to make you dependent on them. It’s not love, it’s addiction, people.

    1. Noname says:

      You are absolutely right, deifilia. Bravo.

  4. mb says:

    Amazing how prolific & eloquent & spot on. Thank You so much HG.

  5. SandraDee says:

    I cant change this it is how we are I can tell. If I am dealing with a narcissist or a psychopath. They give off a vibe that makes me feel a sense of dread. I jump or flinch . And the eyes are always a dead give away. But I don’t run I know what the outcome will be . If I run I will feel like a failure

  6. Jenna says:

    … You are polite and well-mannered”

    Not all empaths have this trait.

  7. This makes me sad.
    I can’t really stop being like this.
    But it will be necessary to withhold some traits,
    and stop giving people the benefit of the doubt.

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      I read this list differently tonight than other time. I am proud of who I am and this is a lovely list. I will protect these assets like the gold they are. Having them is not a loss. Having them maimed, messed with, manipulated and massacred is. I appreciate your observations. And for knowing us better than we know ourselves. Especially, if not entirely, the beautiful parts. It helps to see them. Here. Appreciate them, and realize. All. Ours for the keeping.

      1. Catherine says:


        I love your observations, they’re beautiful and to the point. Thank you for putting words to the pride we should all feel being what we are.

  8. Curious says:

    HG – the way you speak about love stood out to me. Is fuel in its most basic form, love?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Love is but one form of fuel.

  9. Peaceful says:

    I’m beginning to see this dynamic in a different way… narcs have no conscience. Empaths have an extraordinarily strong conscience. And we can’t even imagine that anyone would purposely take advantage of these fantastic qualities we take such immense pride in. They spot us as soon as we move or utter a word. Because our actions, movements and words are dripping with honesty, consideration, etc. and then the cat and mouse begins. The machinations commence. How many lies can they get past us, how far can they manipulate, how much will they get away with. It’s so fucking sick. And we’re so naive and innocent we don’t even know it’s happening. The narc is empty, limited and vile, this gives them great satisfaction to pull these tricks and get away with them. It’s sickening.

    I’m so glad it’ll never happen to me again. Thank you HG.

  10. Sunniva says:

    How does a narcissist (no matter what school) knows when it is time to break the equivalence concering the 8 empathic aspect listed in this blog post?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      When it forms part of the fuel which has become stale or is not delivered in large enough quantities and/or frequently enough.

    2. Sunniva says:

      So, if you change the word ‘time’ with ‘safe’, it wouldn’t matter?
      It all depends on the potent of the fuel, and if it can’t be delivered in the needed amount, the source will be added to or replaced?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Devaluation occurs to shift to a different potency.

      2. Sunniva says:

        Yes, I do understand that the core of NPD is constructed perspectives (A) to get to source of fuel (B).
        I also know that this construct is the same for all schools and cadres, and that the line between A and B is differentiated by the manipulation techniques, the control of fury, and the cognitive level.
        What I am asking, since you can only mirror the empathic emotions, is how do you tell if it is safe to go from golden to devaluation? We have red flags, black flags, and sosiopathic tells, but what gives us away, besides the ‘I love you’ phrase?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is always safe to go to devaluation as it is our decision driven by the need for fuel.

      3. Sunniva says:

        Aha, so no victim is ever lost in devaluation then…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Some may escape yes, but it is rare.

  11. Holly Mead says:


    This concept of “fuel” is as foreign to me as is physics.

    My question; from what I am understanding is; the best “fuel” comes from the unhappiness of your partner. All the other stuff, from the “golden period” is just to prepare for the more potent “fuel”, which is the complete misery of another person. That is what brings you joy.

    Am i getting close?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The most potent fuel is negative fuel. The golden period is not to prepare for the more potent fuel.

      1. H. says:

        I have read your e-book and posts about fuel. Is the fuel excitement, or is it a feeling of pleasure…or of conquest? I understand it is potent, but of what type of feeling? Great satisfaction? This robot does not compute.

        1. HG Tudor says:


      2. H. says:

        I found your blog post about what you feel, which is the power that fills a void. It was written so I could feel it. Thanks.

  12. Insatiable Learner says:

    Thank you, HG! How about he is missing affection and getting a cold shoulder from his girl friend a lot? Another red flag, isn’t it?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thank you!

  13. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, here are some statements made by a man I talked to recently. I think this screams a narcissist and over the top flattery. What do you think? “You are a unique woman. I don’t think I have met anyone with all of the same qualities that you posses. Frankly, I wasn’t sure any such person existed. I look forward to learning more about you. That way, I can pay you more compliments.”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indicators which ought to raise concerns but not determinative in themselves.

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