But Why Did The Narcissist Do That?
I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.
“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”
I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.
Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?
This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.
You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,
“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”
It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-
- You must know what has happened and make sense of it
- You want to make things right
- You want the wonderful golden period again
8 thoughts on “But Why Did The Narcissist Do That?”
This really hit home. i dated a narcissist 14 years ago. Recently in rough time in my life i saw him on facebook and reached out hoping for closure or to his behavior. After a brief golden period of chat he totally dropped me again…silent treatment. Is it typical for someone to reach out to their narcissist so many years later? At least now I can rest assured i am better off. Still hurts though.
It has been a long time since I visited this site because the truth hurts. However, I thought of you recently and wanted to share. I saw a psychic and she discussed the narcissist in my life at length, with all the drama that comes with the subject of him. I asked her when it will all finally end, to which she replied “when one of you dies.” Perhaps she’s a reader here.
Well there’s a psychic who understands.
Its like a pyramid scheme. One thing built upon the other. It looks glorious, perfect. A sure thing. But when the bottom falls out it all collapses. The ones that invested the most, are crippled, meanwhile the conman has scurried away
This article is very useful . I’ll look differently at them now . Mirroring how they saw me . They are just a pair of beautiful shoes I can’t afford the price is way to high to pay . And someone who’s willing to sacrifice can have them. Thank you HG .
This struck home and it really hurts. Hurts the heart but the brain is not catching up………..having hard time
This hits home in a very big way. Your writings have made crystal clear, what I am dealing with. I guess I’m lucky, in that I am grateful for the end. I miss nothing because I never really had it. The acting he performed to captivate me, only makes me think less of him. I have not attempted to discuss a thing with him since he announced he was out.
My Narc made a quick exit. We were engaged and raising my grand child together. All fairness, he has been wonderful to her and made promises re: support/maintaining contact with her. At this point, that is all that matters.
My question is this: Can he be relied on to keep his word when he realizes I am no longer providing any fuel? It seems to me he is only doing it to portray himself as a good man, to himself….which is what seems to matter to him. Can I expect this to change or are children off limits as targets?
You are welcome DCT24. No, he cannot be relied on. He will do what matters to him, free of sense of obligation.