Ten Spoken Narc Grenades


1. You never….

The precursor to a criticism of how you do not do something for me. It is a twin explosive assault against you because not only do I tell you that you are failing me by not doing something for me I also choose something that you actually do carry out. By suggesting that you no longer do a particular act or say a certain thing, when you actually do so, I intend to leave you speechless with exasperation and confused as to just how I can say such a thing. You will be stunned by such a blatant contradiction and this will result in your emotional response coming to the fore, rather than a reasoned one. All the better fuel for us.

2. You always….

The flipside of the above and likely to be tossed in your direction not long after the above narc grenade. The allegation of “you always” will be followed by some put-down and criticism highlighting a behavioural trait of yours which we deem unsatisfactory. Once again we will actually highlight something that you do not do in order to perplex you. You will defend yourself against this scandalous accusation and once again erupt in an emotional manner.

3. I’m sick of you controlling me.

Thrown at you in order to project our own rampant control of you. This is also used to deflect any criticism of us when you chastise us for our behaviour. Any attempt from you to point out the error of our ways or even to try to help us in some way will be met with this response. We do believe that you are trying to control us, by trying to break our own control of you and we cannot allow this to happen. It is through our control that we gain what we want from you and therefore any threat to this must be met with something that will knock you off balance. Accusing you of the very thing that we are doing will cause such astonishment and consternation that our aim is fulfilled.

4. My ex wouldn’t do this

A narc grenade of triangulation and who better to do it with than your predecessor. By implying that your predecessor has some form of superiority to you, after all the smearing of her name we did when we first ensnared you, not only will you be taken aback by this sudden volte face, you will also be mightily offended at being compared to someone who we hate so viciously. Drawing you down to her apparent level always brings forth a reaction from you.

5. My ex would do it

Another flipside whereby we are seeking to coerce you to do something for us, something which you are evidently reluctant to do. You have reservations and no doubt with good reason, but that does not matter to us. You are our extension and therefore you ought to be complying with our wishes without hesitation or refusal. By triangulating you again with she who went before you we are threatening that you are inferior to her and raising the prospect that you will be soon dispensed with if you do not do what we want.

6. I love you but I don’t like you right now

This carefully crafted narc grenade will shatter you as it appears as a compliment before ripping your heart out as you struggle to comprehend what we have just said.Surely if we love you, then we must also like you? What do we mean by saying this? It creates confusion and will have you trying to persuade us to both love and like you. What we mean when we lob this grenade towards you is “You say you love me but you will not do what I want.”

7. If you loved me….

We know that you are a love devotee. A passionate supporter and believer in the concept of love and we use this as grenade to about compliance. We know that you take pride in your integrity and decency and therefore you have standards to always uphold. By suggesting that your failure to act in the manner we want or that your disagreeing with us is somehow representative of you loving us less, we are challenging what you stand for. This will always force you to react by stating your case, reacting in an emotional fashion and ultimately doing what we want, in order to prove that you do indeed love us.

8. You are over reacting

A favourite to make you react even more. You take matters seriously and there are many things that we shall do which will cause you to respond in a serious and concerned fashion. By using this grenade, we belittle you and cause the issue to be about your reaction rather than what we have actually done.It acts as a brilliant way to deflect discussion and dissection of our behaviour and instead causes you to try to prove that you are not over-reacting, which will invariably actually heighten your response.

9 I can’t deal with this right now

Our grenade that is thrown in order to provide us with an escape route from any crisis or situation that requires us to be either accountable or supportive. We do neither and we want to keep it this way. We will invent some other reason which means that we have to depart or that you have to deal with this situation as we hurl the grenade, leaving you to catch it and deal with the subsequent explosion as we walk away, free from involvement, responsibility and culpability.

10 I don’t remember

The blast from this grenade is used to eradicate the problem that you are facing us with. Whether it is an accusation that we have failed to something or evidence of misbehaviour, this grenade is a failsafe way of enabling us to escape the problem. Often it will be used even when it is blatantly clear that we can remember, making your flabbergasted reaction all the more satisfying. There may be irrefutable evidence that we know and can remember but this never stops us from hurling this grenade at you and making good our escape from your attempt to blame us.

46 thoughts on “Ten Spoken Narc Grenades

  1. NarcAngel says:

    Bibis second paragraph:

    Codependents, for example, are so used to focusing on others, that the idea of thinking of their own wants and needs first is utterly alien to them. They wait for things to happen to them, because that is easier than taking action on their own.

    One of the biggest things I have learned by being here. I admit I used to view them as just being weak and having no respect for themselves. I no longer have that opinion.

  2. NarcAngel says:


    My mother did that also. I told her she wants to believe that because otherwise she has to face that she was complicit in the abuse, but that no one else believes it.

    1. K says:

      My piss is still boiling after reading Letter No- 70 and then I come here and read about narc mothers. I HATE narc mothers. I told my mother she was a horrible, violent, massively neglectful, emotionally abusive mother, who allowed her children to be sexually assaulted and she should have been jailed. And I called her a fucking idiot (over thanksgiving weekend).
      Of course she got all flustered and denied it. Fucking whore!

      This is emotional thinking: hatred and rage.

  3. 12345 says:

    My mother’s go to is “I didn’t know”. I didn’t know I said that, I didn’t know I did that, I didn’t know you were hurting all those years I was married to a pediphile.

    Then the perfect follow-up…I wish you had told me…I just didn’t know! It makes you think that if only they’d known the hurt they caused then they would have absolutely done things differently. But, it’s not their fault because we didn’t tell them.

    I finally got to the point where I’d say “then I guess you are culpable for nothing, mother.” She’d just look at me.

  4. Insatiable Learner says:

    MLA Clarece, Thank you for your comments and observations. I too had a couple of traumatic episodes with the narc, especially, one of them, that thereafter kept me in the constant state of anxiety and bracing myself for another hurt. I also believe these were critical to the formation of my trauma bond with the narc. I appreciate your input as it further validates my experience.

    1. Catherine says:

      Clarece and Insatiable Learner, I had those traumatic experiences with mine too and quite early on at that. He continued very deliberately to keep them alive for the rest of our time together and he created more traumas similar to those along the way. It kept me tied to him and controlled by him. I tiptoed around him second guessing his behaviour scared of repeating those traumas. It’s almost scary to think back afterwards and realise all the things that went on when when my mind was clouded with emotions.

  5. Rachel Webb says:

    He told me he was keeping a list of calendar dates with each time we would argue (for hours.) It was, he said, to establish a pattern of what triggered my “outbursts.”

    It was ironic you see, because sometime ago I had made a list of all of his positive qualities, & there were so many…

    I was called an “opportunity” …& still in denial

  6. If I hadn’t been so emotional…….

    1. Really, dear, you should be more precise. I just did that for you 2 days ago.
    2. Again you should be more precise. Now it’s just exaggeration, because I couldn’t possibly be ‘always’ doing that.
    3.Ahahahahaha! You are too funny!
    4. You have complained several times that she did.
    5. Well, go see if she will now.
    6. Yeah, there is a lot I don’t like about you anymore. A good deal of the time. What are you still doing here?
    7. OK, now you just sound like a whiny teenager trying to get laid.
    8. Overreacting wouldn’t even begin to satisfy you! How about a nice silent treatment instead?
    9.Right. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.
    10. See, I knew we should have scheduled that Alzheimer’s screening for you!

    OK, I did actually say that last one a couple times.

    20/20 hindsight. 😛

  7. gabbanzobean says:

    Insatiable Learner,

    You say…
    “Then he assures us he loves us, does more future faking, and anxiety is followed by relief. We reconnect. Our pain is soothed.”

    Yep, this. Around and around and around. But this.

  8. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, you wrote to Gabs/ NA the following: “I can explain to Gabrielle how to go about it.” I have read your book “Exorcism.” It provides excellent advice on how to get the narc out of the heart and soul. Would you mind explaining to me “how to go about it” ? What else can I do? I am so sick and tired of being in emotional pain over this narc. We have not even spoken in months. I was/ am a shelf DLS (according to my consult with you). I doubt he will ever hoover me but sometimes when I imagine what if he did, I know I would not be able to resist as I still have very strong addiction to him. This scares me. I don’t want him to be in control of my emotions. I hate it that he has such power over me. Please tell me what else I can do to set myself free. Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This is what is provided through an audio consultation because of the level of detail involved and the specific application to the relevant person.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        I will be setting up another consult with you, HG. Last time, I was trying to gain understanding of my dynamic with this narc. This time, I want it to be about how do I put an end to this torture. I hope you can help me, HG, in this battle against myself. Thank you!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I shall wait to hear from you. Understanding is the first foundation stone and has to be addressed. I can indeed provide you with the tools for you to use to achieve your freedom.

  9. Catherine says:

    Oh yes, I was overreacting and I was the creator of all the drama in his life, poor guy. He didn’t remember anything though; still he remembered that he was sick of me controlling him all the time. He projected everything in his life onto me. He could be sick with a fever but wasn’t accountable for that of course so he accused me of being sick; he could be in a foul temper and hissed at me during dinner that he would walk away and leave me in the restaurant if I didn’t let go of my horrible mood swings. Everything going on with him was neatly placed on someone else and then sneered at. How endearing!

  10. Mara says:

    Yeah, as a former NISS, I’m very familiar with 8, 9, and 10.

    And a classic is also: “You are being paranoid.”

    1. gabbanzobean says:

      Mara, I got the paranoid comment all the time. However HE is the one who is very paranoid. For awhile he kept saying he was upset that my best friend knew about him (I was DLS). He was paranoid she was going to destroy his life. However it was perfectly okay for him to “confide” in his coworker about his relationship with me. She understood because she was fucking 4 guys behind her husband’s back and they “understood one another”. I am sure he was fucking her too. He also triangulated me with her telling me that she said I was too attached to him. I do not even know this girl. LOL. But yeah, I am the paranoid one. It’s always Narc opposite day.

      1. Brian says:

        I have had that type of triangulation a lot, notice he used a woman to set up a competition.
        I have had a lot of using someone else’s opinion to me feel insecure…because someone else’s opinion is being respected over mine.
        It’s malicious behaviour, someone who had any feelings for you would never say “hey, this WOMAN said that you were too…..”

        This shows that his behaviour is all for the fuel and nothing else.

  11. JenniferJ says:

    I am so fed up of hearing almost all of these being said to me by close relatives. I know why they’re doing it and I know the best response is no response, but these conversational “grenades” are impossible to live with in a family. It makes me inwardly very sad and angry that this personality disorder is depriving people of beneficial relationships and mutually rewarding experiences. The narcs don’t benefit apart from the momentary self-serving “kick” they get out of it because eventually no-one wants anything to do with them. It’s all so futile and based on fear and mistrust. It robs everyone.

    1. K says:

      There is no reciprocity with a narcissist, however, the narcissist does benefit from these liaisons because he gets fuel, character traits or residual benefits from his self-serving kicks. It is better to disengage with these individuals and deprive them of your fuel whenever possible.

      1. JenniferJ says:

        Hi K,

        Yes, you speak a lot of sense. On second thought, narcs do benefit from more than a fleeting provision of fuel. They benefit from an empath’s concern, help, honesty and trust as well as more material things like money, material possessions and practical assistance. It doesn’t bother them that they’re manipulating a family member who has loved and cared for them for decades.

        I need to overcome my emotional attachment to and belief in “family”. It is very easy to forget or temporarily ignore the past unfairnesses and invalidation in the ever-present hope that the love-bombing, compliments and pity-plays are based on something real. This idealistic hope and wishful thinking leads to being used and disappointed again and again.

        Thank you for pointing that out and helping me to remember it.

        1. K says:

          You are welcome, JenniferJ

          Very, very good. You have got it. The empath’s concern, help, honesty and trust are all fuel. Money, assistance, free advice, and my lessers loved a free meal, these are all residual benefits. And they do not give a rat’s ass about anybody, except themselves. You will learn to put aside your idealistic hope and wishful thinking; it takes time, though. I am putting up healthy boundaries, too. Once you remove the emotion and focus on the logic, you are less likely to be disappointed.

  12. Yep.

    1. “You never understand what I say. You are incapable of comprehending it”

    2. “You always read too much into what I say vs. what I do, but I won’t lie, I know I can be contradictory”

    3. “I cannot talk today. You need to cool your jets. If you back off and leave me alone I will call you at the end of the week, okay?”

    4 & 5. I was never given an ultimatum in regard to the ex doing something or not doing something but I was given contradictory info in regard to his past with the ex. “We never spoke again” became “we still keep in touch but only once a year”

    6. I love you. (stricken from record) I care about you as a friend. (stricken from the record). I still love you (stricken from the record). Repeat.

    7. “If you love me you will back off, give me some space, leave me alone, etc”

    8. I heard this one ALL THE TIME. Along with “you are overthinking”.

    9. I heard this one too along along with “No more of this today, please”, “I need a break from you”

    10. I heard that too but along with it was something like “My brain must really be fried, I have been so busy at work, I really do not recall saying that or that happening, my darling girl”….and then it would go back to #9 where he wanted “no more of this today please”.

    Everything I read here shows me he’s a narc. And it’s just not fair. 🙁

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi gabs…i was reading your name and feel sad seeing you refer to yourself that way. I think enlightened empath is more fitting 💓 pls dont beat yourself up hes already done that.
      I wanted to ask you how often you hear from your narc? From reading your posts it doesnt sound like you talk to him often? Or see him. How can you be so attached to someone you rarely spend time with?
      In a weird way i envy that but fear it also. My narc and i talk and see each other daily and i contribute this to my attachment of him. I fear one day that may change but with it i know itd make it easier for me to detach in some regards. It scares me tho bc itd be very painful emotionally adjusting.
      Take the distance he gives you and detach. Get involved with friends and other people and he will fade away in time.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        The attachment occurs NA because Gabrielle talks about this narcissist and thinks about him over and over again. This feeds her addiction and keeps it alive. Instead she ought to be jettisoning her thoughts about him and rejecting discussing him. This will get the emotional thinking under control and will reduce the extent of the addiction to a far more manageable level and also less harmful. However, this requires application and effort to start the process. It is not easy, but it becomes easier. I can explain to Gabrielle how to go about it, but she has to want to apply herself and so far, that intent is absent.

      2. Catherine says:

        I agree with NA Gabrielle, it’s not really a funny name in the end; it’s sad. You should regard yourself in a much kinder light. Calling yourself a fuel cookie is not helpful to you. And HG is right, he’s an expert at this, listen to him and let him help you. You need to want that help; there’s no other alternative. Your man is married and a narcissist; your future happiness depends on you letting go. There’s no healing in thinking of your narcissist constantly in an emotional way and going on and on about what he said to you and analysing it from different perspectives. You need to concentrate on YOU, on going no contact. Nothing else.

        1. HG Tudor says:


      3. Insatiable Learner says:

        NarcAffair, sorry for jumping in but I could not resist interjecting in response to your puzzlement over how someone can be so attached to a narc without regular contact. Did you read about trauma bonds typical of a relationship with a narc? Once created (and trauma bonds are created very quickly), they have to be broken. There is no fading away. You must actively and deliberately work on breaking them. I think what HG refers to as getting your emotional thinking under control is a part of it. In the beginning, when there is constant communication, professions of love, excessive flattery, future faking, sharing of what’s going on in each other’s lives, the narc sharing his griefs, etc., all of this creates an attachment on our part. Then the narc starts pulling away, acting distant, going silent, not coming through on his promises, this sends us spinning emotionally. Then he assures us he loves us, does more future faking, and anxiety is followed by relief. We reconnect. Our pain is soothed. This dynamic over time makes the attachment to the narc ever so stronger. Now we are firmly in the grasp of the trauma bonds. Even when there is no communication any more, these remain in place and tug at our hearts and souls. This is how a narc can put us on the shelf and know we will still be there unless we do the work and set ourselves free. The narc implants a hook in you and you remained hooked now matter how far away he goes, now matter how long he remains silent. The only way to freedom is to break free, break the trauma bonds, defeat emotional thinking with logic.

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          Hi I-Learner and NA!! I agree with Insatiable Learner that the effects of trauma bonding will indeed keep someone bonded to the abuser / Narc even with large lapses of time between contact, being long distance and just plain being stuck from moving on.
          I believe that is one of the reasons the relationship with JN was so unique from other toxic or narcissistic individuals I have come across in my life and although hurt, I was able to move on from relatively easily once I assessed the situation.
          Early on, while love bombing was still happening, two events happened back-to-back involving JN that had such a profound impact on me. My then therapist when I started seeing one after devaluation began (which I didn’t know that at the time) told me I experienced trauma bonding. So for a long time, I was trying to bring a positive closure between JN and myself to sort of erase two extremely painful and one traumatic thing that happened to me. I believe he caught on to that much sooner than I did and manipulated frequently that kept those bonds cemented in my head.
          Finally after enough time of not seeing him in person at all and the same record playing over and over whenever we did have contact, on top of what I learned here, it was enough to exhaust me to the point of truly not caring anymore and just wanting to focus on myself and healing. But you have to want to just focus on yourself and really accept there is no future or good outcome or anything you can somehow maneuver to stay painted “white” with them and keep things good.
          That is how these relationships can go one for months or years based on limited contact and crumbs.

      4. Bibi says:

        HG you are right. When I began to truly heal, I found myself caring less and less about what the narc thought and did and more about how I can empower myself.

        Codependents, for example, are so used to focusing on others, that the idea of thinking of their own wants and needs first is utterly alien to them. They wait for things to happen to them, because that is easier than taking action on their own.

        “Everything I read here shows me he’s a narc. And it’s just not fair.”

        So now that you know this, Gabby, what actions are you going to take to expel him from your life, given the facts you know about narcissists?

        Sure, it’s not fair, but this is the way he is. You will not change him. To argue with the universe about the unfairness of it all is pointless. You can’t control him, but you can control you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well put.

      5. narc affair says:

        Hi HG..ty for your thoughts on this. I can really relate to this bc i struggle as well. I know with my ex i was not in as much contact with him and the attachment was not as strong. It was easier to detach. That said i met my present narc shortly after so that could be why as well.
        I do know what youre saying about thinking about the narc bc it does feed the addiction. Its a process and youre right only we can decide to change. I do have to say being armed with knowledge helps when that decision is made and put into action. Having the proper support networks is crucial too bc there is many withdrawal stages.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          All valid observations.

      6. gabbanzobean says:

        Narc Affair,

        To answer your questions, our contact has varied from several times a week (texts, emails, phone calls) to total silence. Visits have been several times a year due to distance. The attachment is still deeply there.

        Also, the tag lines near my name which I have randomly changed here and there are done sarcastically and as a way for me to try and use humor to distract myself over the situation, that is all.

      7. gabbanzobean says:

        Narc Affair, just realized I forgot to reply to this.
        “How can you be so attached to someone you rarely spend time with?”

        I have no idea how to answer. I just am. Believe me I wish I wasn’t though.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Then do something about it.

      8. narcaffair and Gabs,

        ‘I wanted to ask you how often you hear from your narc? From reading your posts it doesnt sound like you talk to him often? Or see him. How can you be so attached to someone you rarely spend time with?’

        From what Gabs has posted that their conversations are like, he says many confusing and contradictory things to Gabs. Since one of the empathic traits is understanding, she wants to understand this. This causes her to think of her N, because she is trying to understand. But it will be impossible to understand. By design.
        He knows damn well he has done this. It requires little energy to use the empaths own traits against herself.

        This more she tries to understand, the more she will think about her N. He will always put it on her, so she redoubles her efforts to understand, if she is at fault, she can fix it. But she can’t and the frustration makes her think more about the N.

        Gabs, where is your talisman? Touch that. You may program your mind to hear HGs voice saying “Do something about it.” or whatever will help drive the thought from your mind, when you do that.

        Or how about the voice of someone you have a good relationship with, telling you that they love you and want the best for you.

        What do you think? Is it not your intent to understand that keeps you hooked?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          All correct.

      9. narc affair says:

        Hi insatiable learner…ty for your post and reminder about trauma bonding its funny how we can forget these things after learning about them. I guess where my question arose from was based on my experience with my ex but this has caused me to rexamine my situation and i think it was easier to let go of my ex bc we didnt spend as much time together and i had met my present narc. If id not met my narc maybe i wouldve still struggled its hard to know.
        I dont presume to know what someones going thru or to judge just to understand. I know with my ex he pulled a couple temporary absent silent treatments and that turned me off of him. If i cant depend on someone i quickly start to detach.
        Trauma bonding ive experienced with my present narc. It really is a chemical addiction. The highs and lows are awful.

      10. narc affair says:

        Hi mla…ty for your reply. Were all so individual as victims in this as much as narcs are. I had codependence on my ex but he was very different from my present narc in that he wasnt as serious of a connection. He invested intermittantly in our relationship if thats what it was. I look back on that relationship and in some respects im thankful he was a midranger bc he lacked a lot of the narc tactics and it wasnt as “deliberate” his narcissism. The narc im with im certain is a lesser or mid greater bc he most definitely is experienced at narc tactics and it is deliberate. I can see where he used his skills to hook me and he is a textbook narc. The trauma bonding has been intense with him but not so much with my ex.
        I guess i equated the difference with time spent together but i think its also school of narc too and situation based.

      11. narc affair says:

        Hi gabs…ty for your reply and i hope i didnt come off diminishing your situation bc its never easy with these types. I think why i asked is bc i look at you and others who arent around their narcs as much and remember what that was like with my ex. I replay that a lot in my mind bc i realise how deep im in now compared to then. Back then my life was completely different it wasnt as serious. I still experienced upset over narc behaviour but it was never the trauma bonding i have now.
        Our situations are different and were different people along with our narcs personalities. I compared time spent but there are so many other factors. Each relationship is so very different.
        As a warning…you dont want to become more involved with him trust me. It gets way more complicated the more invested you are with a narcissist and especially one you can never have(which is all narcs). You have the escape of not being with him as much use it to connect with other people. Once you meet a guy who shows you interest and invests in you you will cut this narc lose. You can do it! 👍

    2. Carol M says:

      Hello “G”,

      I’m so sorry you went through this. Now please understand who/what he is and focus on your healing <3

      All love from Brazil;

    3. Sniglet says:

      Your Piano man is married! You are a DLS. Remind me what S stands for.

      In this context, how should a reader analyse your comments gabbanzobean? How should anybody think of your character and personality?

    4. Annie says:

      Gbean, no one here likes to see you so stuck. It is good to see you admit in writing that he is a narc. That is a huge step. Based on your comments and letter, no one here will challenge that statement – there is no doubt he is a narc. Rather than trying to understand his inconsistencies, realize that while he does lie, a lot, like every other narc, in the moments he makes those comments, in his reality (which is different from your reality) he means what he says. He did love you when you were painted white and he was infatuated and you were complying with his control. And when you were challenging his superiority and were painted black, he no longer felt that love. That is the narc world – it is incomprehensible to a non-narc because real and true love does not melt away like that. He cannot love like you – he will never be able to love like you do. When it comes to the narcissist, HG says it all – you were targeted, and you are not to blame. Repeat that to yourself over and over until you start to believe it. I have no doubt HG could help you overcome your emotional thinking with respect to the narc, and it would help you in your path to healing.

      But the other piece of the puzzle is you. And that is where the real work starts. I found Danny’s letter so powerful for so many reasons, but she was able to speak about her shame – share it, get it out in the open in a forum where no one judges her for it. Brene Brown has done some very interesting research on shame and has a couple of good TED talks to check out. According to Brown, “secrecy, silence, and judgment will let shame grow exponentially”. Shame is behind the narc’s behavior, and they act with aggression and anger when triggered, as HG describes. But in many cases it is also behind our behavior with the narc – and perhaps we act by trying to make everything perfect and please the narc (at our own expense) or withdrawing and isolating ourselves. We all have shame, and apparently the less you talk about it, the more you have. And if you, like I did, grew up in a house with a narc or grew up in a house with a lot of secrets, then you likely were gifted shame as a child by a caregiver, and that shame could be buried so far in the subconscious it cannot readily be recognized. But we intuitively know when our shame is triggered. Certain narcs trigger a shame in me that I am not sure I can even fully verbalize yet. The best way to drop that shame is to talk about it. So please, Gabs, find someone to talk to who can empathize with you – a therapist who can help you understand what your shame is and what triggers it. Or if you can already verbalize it, discuss it here on the blog or with trusted friends – according to Brown, shame cannot survive being spoken. Be kind to yourself – you are not a gullible tart – that is your shame talking. Speak to yourself as you would speak to someone you love. Don’t stay isolated – connect with others on the blog and, most importantly, in your real life. Set goals with respect to your progress and celebrate your successes. Stop speaking about what your narc does and bring the conversation back to you – how do YOU feel about what happened – no more, he said this and then he said that and he did this and then that. How do you feel about what he has done? Make the conversation about you. No more research on him (HG has shared a greater understanding of the mind of the narc than anyone ever has – accept his research). The whole narc interaction IS incredibly shitty and unfair. Understanding now, even superficially, your shame and feelings may help you eventually get to the point where you can heal those childhood wounds and release that painful and toxic shame. Research you.

      Please Gabs, focus on you. As Clarece said, this is your Piano Man’s offer. He is in control, and as soon as you think you may be winning in any way, he will always change the rules. No matter what you might have done or not done, this was always to be his endgame. Be present in your own life with people you love and care about so that you can break this attachment to him. Don’t isolate yourself and think about him constantly. Find something you love to do and immerse yourself in it. Rediscover something you love about yourself and enjoy it. Share your story and your shame and ask for help when you need it. The great thing about this site is that the readers here do understand where you are coming from, and we are not judging you.

      I am not saying it is easy. It may be the most difficult thing you ever do. But you have to get unstuck, and you have to heal you. I would hate to see you stuck in this same spot 6 months from now. Your life is waiting for you. Live it.

      1. Catherine says:

        I find your comment so true, so full of wisdom and understanding and I just wanted to tell you that. The shame you’re talking about is something all of us growing up in a dysfunctional family are completely immersed in; I’ve always thought of this overwhelming shame as the inheritance from my childhood, but there are ways to deal with it as you say. It needs to be let out in the open, spoken about, highlighted; when the light finally reaches it this insurmountable heap of anxiety ridden burden will start to fade away. Freedom is around the corner. I’ve finally started to talk about my shame and it does wonders. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it because in the end the only ones we truly need to love in our lives are ourselves, blemished and broken as we might think we are. Thank you for your words; I’ll save them to read again and again!

        And Gabrielle, again, HG is the one to help you. I’ve also noted that you only talk about your narcissist; you quote him on and on; trying to understand something there’s no point of understanding when you do know this guy has a personality disorder. You never speak about yourself; how he makes you feel; you hide behind eyerolls and sarcasm. I think true healing comes from opening up to someone in your life or around you that can help you make it all about you this time. You have it in you; No Contact is pure hell in the beginning; most of us have failed at it at one time or another; but that’s life. I’ve been away from my relationship for six months now, I’ve had enormous help from finding HG, reading his books (the one about codependency actually made me cry; because he’s writing about me) and opening up to his knowledge, letting it all sink in; he’s invaluable because he says it like it is. I’ve also found tremendous help from interacting here, feeling comfort in our shared stories. Also I’m in therapy to process my childhood wounds. I’m feeling so much better and just a few months ago I thought I couldn’t live without the man who broke my heart. I’m hoping for that healing for you too. Hugs to you!

  13. Mb says:

    Wow 6 of 10 were a frequent and regular occurrence , crazymaking. BLESS YOU HG for putting this in writing. You’re a lighthouse on an emotional sea.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

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