Unbelievable (And How To Tackle It)

UNBELIEVABLE(AND HOW TO TACKLE IT)

 

My kind savage your heart. We pollute your mind. We ravage your soul. One of the all-pervasive elements of your entanglement with us is just how unbelievable it all is. This operates in two ways. You find it unbelievable at the time and you find it unbelievable afterwards, although often in a different way. This creates confusion, bewilderment, emotional overload and paralysis which are as you are now aware, are key components of exerting control over you. This unbelievable behaviour is found at every stage of your entanglement.

  1. Seduction

It is unbelievable just how amazing our love for you is when you are being love-bombed, it is unbelievable but you will not reject it because it feels so wonderful, so uplifting and so joyous. It is then unbelievable later that someone who loved you in such a way could suddenly stop doing so. Even later, you still find it unbelievable that it was fake. Surely we did love you? Surely we had those feelings for you? It is unbelievable that we could not have done. Do you see how this lack of believability can twist and turn, morphing into a new angle, yet remaining in place to confuse and puzzle you?

  1. Devaluation

It is unbelievable that somebody can turn to quickly from being loving to being awful. It is unbelievable that a person can behave in such a way towards somebody who they say that they love. It is unbelievable how long you put up with this behaviour for. It is unbelievable that this behaviour could last for as long as it did. It is unbelievable that this person cannot understand what they are doing and see what they are doing is wrong. It is unbelievable that they cannot be helped.

  1. Discard

It is unbelievable that someone can just vanish like that. It is unbelievable that someone can move on to someone else in the blink of an eye. It is unbelievable that the new target cannot see what is really happening. It is unbelievable that the new victim won’t accept what you tell them about us. It is unbelievable how we ignore you, refuse to speak to you and treat you like we never knew you after everything that has been said and done. It is unbelievable that you have been treated like this after everything that you did. It is unbelievable that he is saying so many lies and hurtful things to other people about you.

  1. The Post Discard Hoover

It is unbelievable that someone can just waltz back into your life like nothing has happened and carry on as normal. It is unbelievable how much you want that person to contact you even though you have suffered terribly. It is unbelievable just how much you miss this person. It is unbelievable how he has said all those horrible things to other people and then brushes it to one side.

It is unbelievable that you want this person so much. It is unbelievable that you cannot stop thinking about us.

So many unbelievable matters and what is the cumulative effect of all this? You are bewildered, unable to comprehend what has happened, unable to make sense of it all and you are left a whirlpool of emotions. You are dizzy, disorientated and unable to pick a path to stick to in order to reach safety. You can be picked off again with ease by our kind.

To add to the sheer unbelievable nature of what you have endured is the fact that so few people can actually understand what has happened either. They may have been brainwashed by us, they may just not want to get involved or they just cannot understand how somebody can behave like that and think you are either exaggerating or they are so stunned they cannot offer you any practical assistance. The power of this lack of believability and the effect of disbelief are substantial and they act as double hammer blows against your recovery.

How do you tackle the sheer scale of disbelief from both you and those around you?

  1. Understand what you have been entangled with. Really understand.
  2. Understand that our kind operate in a different reality to you.
  3. Avoid over analysis of our motives. Until you grasp points one and two, such analysis is futile and detrimental.
  4. Do you really need so many people to believe you? Are you not propounding the pain by repeatedly explaining it to people who are unwilling or unable to help? Don’t approach this in a scattergun manner.
  5. Don’t seek answers from us. You won’t get them. Ever.
  6. Do not expect everyone to understand. They have not experienced it.
  7. Identify promptly those who can be relied on and ensure they understand. Conserve your energy for these true supporters and do not waste it on lost causes.
  8. Read, read and read so you understand.
  9. Build your vessel of logic and understanding. You need it to get across the emotional sea which this disbelief is keeping you in.
  10. Use independent evidence, not just your say so, to support your position and break down disbelief.
  11. Accept some people will always be on our side. Don’t waste time trying to persuade them. You are not going to convince them.
  12. Don’t waste time trying to tell the world at large about how awful we are. You may want everyone to know but this is a futile exercise. We have already smeared you and you are just paying into our hands.
  13. Don’t bother attacking our façade unless you have the energy and credible independent exercise. You will use up valuable energy trying to tackle a wall that believes us and not you.
  14. Many people experience our kind but few people understand that they have done so. It is hard trying to persuade people that they have encountered a narcissist. We make it that way.
  15. Ultimately, it is you who matters most and has to shake the disbelief ahead of everybody else. Concentrate on that.
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31 thoughts on “Unbelievable (And How To Tackle It)”

  1. But the narc likes us at first,( like a Mercedes) because of what they think we can do for them ! (I know it’s not love) The Narc thinks that we are “the one” The golden period is basically a sales tactic. They mirror and match to close the deal! So hard to forget about my “friend”. Happy Easter HG and everyone else!🐇

  2. 7.Identify promptly those who can be relied on and ensure they understand. Conserve your energy for these true supporters and do not waste it on lost causes.
    8.Read, read and read so you understand.
    9.Build your vessel of logic and understanding. You need it to get across the emotional sea which this disbelief is keeping you in.

    AMEN!!!

    1. This blog has changed my life. It has changed the way I engage with my Narc but also the way it has shed the light on my past ones and even how I engage in general with people now. I ” discard” people faster. When I meet new man, I do test them, I do question them and run fast when there is evidences.

      You have to have had the experience to understand it and believe it actually.

      Last weekend I was with my father who is a Narc. At one point , he felt off his chair and felt on the floor in front of 25 people , his relatives, you should have seen his face, his eyes… I could read through it better than I could have ever understand before.

      His new GF is really co-dependent like my mom, I could see how he was brushing her kindness away. I am his favorite daughter, never really was devaluated, I could also see, when I walked in the room how he brushed away my sister and all the other guests. I then, realised, everything my sister has gone through with my Narc grand-mother and father – I was the golden child. She has had a difficult life , I understand better now and maybe I have some tools to help our relationship. I will have to explore this.

  3. RJ – your words give a lovely ‘snapshot’ of what to expect moving forward with(out) my narc. Thanks for sharing.

    HG – I love this article…sooo often, in my head – after witnessing the buffooning around of my narc – I hear myself say: “Unbelievable.”
    And then, naturally and unavoidably, EMF’s song plays out…

  4. I don’t think I would have recovered without this advice – particularly 1,2 & 15. I would not have believed it if I had read it before I had experienced the narc or even during because of all the gas Lighting and manipulation.
    It’s only since I’ve been no contact and in recovery for a year that I now get it.
    So so difficult for others to understand. I can even see him doing it to others and they think they are humouring him when in reality he is sucking them in and manipulating them.
    Feeling stronger at last. Will never be totally recovered. I am at long last looking after and looking at myself in a kind way.

  5. 1. “Do not expect everyone to understand. They have not experienced it.
    2. Identify promptly those who can be relied on and ensure they understand. Conserve your energy for these true supporters and do not waste it on lost causes.
    3. Ultimately, it is you who matters most and has to shake the disbelief ahead of everybody else. Concentrate on that.”

    HG,

    Thank you, I commented in another discussion that I would stop talking with my friends about narc signs/behavior because they are starting to think I’m overreacting. When all I really want to do is prevent us from becoming entangled with your kind.

    I think I’m going to lay low on the subject with them, and let the chips fall where they may. As for me, I’m riding this wave with you and others here. I refuse to drown in another relationship with your kind.

    Thank you.

    1. I’m about where you’re at Shawn.
      Partially I’m just not as obsessed with it anymore and also yes I don’t want my friends thinking I’m off the rails even though the ones I have spoken to the most about this are very much in agreement that my ex is a crazy personality disordered individual. It just drags me back into emotional thinking when I start rehashing stuff and my logic goes out the window.
      The ones that don’t see it and have never experienced the narcissists bad side will never understand it and have no motivation to try and understand it.

      Good luck on your healing ! Peace!!
      Remember the narc has one motive- gaining fuel. Their brains do not function as ours do.
      So there’s no sense to me to do anything else but to chalk up my four years as lost time, as a learning experience, and to now make sure I become the best strongest version of myself and never allow myself to stay in such a mess of a situation – I will follow my intuition and I will stand up for myself the next time this kind of stuff occurs ..if it ever does.

      1. Kathleen, it’s never lost time. On some level, your psyche needed the experience and it has allowed you change and grow. Yes, the years we spent with them are a high price to pay, as was the suffering, but there it is.

        We would never have gained the current level of understanding of ourselves and of the narc predators surrounding us otherwise. We’d be like those of our friends who think we’re overreacting.

      2. Kathleen,

        Thank you for reading. I appreciate your comments. As bitter sweet as it may sound I’m glad to know that my thinking is not insanity, but that other’s like yourself are aware of the insanity of a narc.

  6. I love this one HG ! This is one calming essay that helps (along with some other favorite sources) me see that using my “normal mind“ to try and figure out what happened will never Ever work. Repeat- using a normal empathetic and consciousness filled, mindful mind will never ever figure this experience out.
    It drives you into crazy contorted circles and usually I come to the point of “she has to do it to survive” and I just happened to be ensnared and played a role in her play.
    I also found HGs book FUEL to be very helpful in grasping the base motivator of the narcissist. Everything makes sense that they do if you look at it from their need for fuel point of view.
    It’s just so unbelievable that it’s that simple? And I guess that they have this other 70% ?of life where they’re presenting as just normally toddling along- tricks everyone- including me.
    It’s unfathomable but this aberration standing right in front of us in plain sight.
    I just love the pictures HG provides that are robots exposing their head or their heart. I have an event in May where I believe I will see my ex- it will have been about eight months since discard and she will be with her new supply. if I do encounter her close proximity I am firmly holding the image of her as a robot -a dangerous robot… 🤪🤖🤪 – and as a desperate robot Always on the edge and worried that her fuel supply is getting low.

  7. Very good advice. I realized his love was a strange love …a fake love ..whatever it is . I make sure I get my children what they need. I realized from figuring out what my ex needs (lesser – vulnerable narc ) to hear ..and how he needs to hear it and not to believe his devaluing . He now has energy problems but we all do …as we age. I try my best to provide fuel with true compliments. It’s hard to not receive any from him …so I make sure I pamper myself in other ways . I would like advice from you HG but ..I know I will need to pay for it . I now as an empath can see how he thinks and feel why he has been trained to believe this way from a young age . It seems at times that he was trained for battle and to be a soldier .

  8. I do not believe all that you say, HG, but your advice at this topic is unbelievable worthful. I agree to all 15 points.

  9. Reading the first four of during the stage of entanglement, it is amazing how you will remember the details of what happened, even years later. You realize you have put up with a lot of crap. During the entanglement and the crap there is that niggling feeling of something is not right here. Then the questions in your head. What was that?, Is this real? Why are you saying that? Did I do that? How did that happen? WTF? Then if you have the misfortune of living within their vicinity after discard and going no contact you will live through the hoovers from post to the triggers. You will go through the smears and devaluations. Depending on what stage you are in as far as years after discard you could take HG’s information and create a chart and check off the events as they unfold. Another thing that you will observe is the pattern continues with other victims. Then and only then will people see what you were saying if you have exercised #13 and challenged the façade early on. There will be the reveal of the common denominator. Some will see it and deny it as they have to, others will fall for it and become victims, and some will stay the f**k away. Observe and choose wisely. Always look over your shoulder. Literally!

  10. HG. Reading your post is so enlightning.

    …I wonder if you ever wonder what is your purpose in life as a narcissist yourself.. to come and bring the blunt insight from inside of you

  11. Thank you. I have been trying to understand for a year. It still hurts. Glad to know I’m not crazy…

  12. Very hard life lesson and took me a long long time to truly grasp the concept, even though my mind knew long ago ( that damn emotional thinking) When a person stops trying to evaluate and understand a Narcissists behaviour and instead concentrates and focuses on themselves, their behaviour, their reasons, their feelings ; that is when life truly begins again. You start to realize, you were never truly alive with them. They just made you believe that you were. Love the end part HG “ it is you who matters most and has to shake the disbelief ahead of anyone else” . Perfect

  13. I made the mistake of analysing his motives and/or get to really know him, i.e., his goals and aspirations . . . I told him once he was my “case study” which wounded him. He never forgot I said that. At that point I didn’t yet realize I was dealing with a Greater NPD. He knows he is a Greater. We would watch each other’s minds at work . . . . I really wish I had been prepared for discarding him once I figured him out. Because she relationship ended in violence. It took me 6 months to figure him out. I can size most people up in 3 minutes.

    How long does it take you to size someone up, HG?

  14. I had to comment on this one because it reminds me of passages from one of my favorite books you have written, Exorcism. I read it about a year ago, and should go back and reread it as it is especially relevant to my situation.

    I have been through a few Narcissists (various types), and I still find it all so unbelievable… everything. I read these beneficial words in your post, and I think to myself “Yes! Yes! True!”, but it is difficult for it to actually penetrate deeply enough into my comprehension to sustain it as natural knowledge.

    The whole concept of Narcissism is entirely alien, twisted, and a complete paradox to everything that I know to be true and concrete, not necessarily through personal experiences of my own, but rather, by an inbred awareness as to a ‘natural order of things’, or some sort of ‘correct alignment’ which should not be disrupted, and actually “cannot” be disrupted by normal human beings, despite however incorrect or chaotic our actions might be. But, Narcissists do disturb, disrupt, and completely distort these natural, inbred ‘laws of nature’ that seem to be etched into our existence from birth.

    Just my thoughts! Thank you.

    1. I too found Exorcism very helpful. There’s a line which made everything so clear, “Understand that much of why you were manipulated was to either exploit vulnerabilities which arose in your childhood….or it was designed to treat you as a child. You are made to think and feel like a child…You are not a child but an adult who is able to take action and make choices.”

      1. MH, this is interesting because each of them treated me like a child. The first one was the most controlling and did not even allow me to speak for myself. My own personality and identity was completely oppressed.

        Owing to the fact that I grew up in an abusive environment, it has only been within the last couple of years that I have come to understand that the physical, spiritual, and psychological abuse of that relationship was not normal. I was brainwashed at a very early age to believe it was entirely normal. I might even have some residual effects, even now, as to my confusion of what is normal, and what is not normal, at all. But, I have no idea unless it is pointed out to me.

  15. Sad part is a lot of people will really understand but will not accept it and until you do that points 2 -15 do not matter.

    You cannot begin to heal until you accept number one. Even after you accept #1 and start healing you will still be susceptible to Narcs until you heal the original wound which is usually not feeling good enough and looking for your self worth in another. If you don’t, it’s only a matter of time until another narc sniffs you out.

    I love reading this page. I have read much on Narcissism, yet fell prey to another one that presented completely different from the first one. The fact that another got hold of me says I have more work to do

  16. Wow, HG… Thank you so much for this one. I really needed to read that right now. I keep going over and over in my head my entanglement and it’s hard to understand why I still care. Do I want to be with this man? No, he’ll just do the unforgivable to me again. And again. And then a few thousand more times. But even after my discard (and immediate replacement), I cannot get over the bewilderment. My mind constantly goes in circles trying to understand why this person would express their eternal love one day and then one week later have a new girlfriend.

    How do these idealization feelings come on so quickly? One week and it seems as though you’d trust them with your house keys, car, and credit card number. Why do the “i love you’s” come so quickly with the immediate IPPS replacement even when they are of the temporary/ panic attack class?

    Why are questions never able to be answered from the narc? Is it because they don’t really understand their actions themselves or because they’d prefer not to take accountability for them? Mine always says “I don’t know why I am the way I am. There’s something wrong with me. I’ll figure it out one day” …. Interesting statement from someone who is able to identify there is something wrong with them, want to make changes, but yet, continues to repeat the same actions without any sign of reconciliation or remorse. More manipulation? Or the words of someone whose incapable of change?

    So many questions, not enough answers in the world!!!!! You are a blessing in disguise, Mr. Tudor. Your posts keep me sane!

    1. Hi Jenna
      Interesting comment about their insight. Prompted me to remember my greater narc when I was in devaluation and challenging him would say ‘i want to be a better person’ yet he never seemed to try to change and another quote ‘I’m scared of the world’.
      At the time I thought these were endearing and showed his vulnerability which brought out my empathy when I tried to soothe him and advise him on how to do that – I realise now I gave him fuel-I remember the smirk when he twisted me back to caring -now I know they were a clue to him being a narc and are the feelings he has that makes him function like he does. He doesn’t want to change.
      So so difficult to break the pattern of the push and pull, the roller coaster, the adrenaline rush. At the height of his power over me I even got a rash on my neck when he came near me.

      1. Hi Em, I too found/find that sometimes my body tells me something I’m denying or can’t yet see. Now when there’s some ailment that pops up, I stop and ask what I’m missing. Insight follows, usually sooner than later, but not always.
        And oh yes, the smirk! and the narcissistic grin!

    2. “Mine always says “I don’t know why I am the way I am. There’s something wrong with me. I’ll figure it out one day” …. Interesting statement from someone who is able to identify there is something wrong with them, want to make changes, but yet, continues to repeat the same actions without any sign of reconciliation or remorse.”

      Jenna, this resonated with me because Mr. Piano Concert was the same way and said the same things. Except for the remorse. He may not understand or actually feel the remorse but oh Lordy did I have to hear about it CONSTANTLY. He droned on and on and ON about his remorse! That poor tortured soul. (eye roll)

  17. “Ultimately, it is you who matters most…” Meaningful words especially coming from a narcissist (I may have taken it a wee bit out of context 😂) But still, I’m touched HG

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