I Cannot Love You More


I have always adored you. It is true. You did not realise it. How could you? I kept my adoration confined to something distant and something remote, always living in hope that one day I would be able to pour my adoration all over you. How long has this condition lasted for? I would suggest over ten years. Yes, that long. It was when you first joined the company. We worked in separate departments but I saw you arrive one day and from that moment I felt this adoration for you. It was strong and powerful and flowed from deep inside of me. I knew in an instant what it was and I just knew that I had to provide it to you. I had no idea when that opportunity might arise, when I might be in a position to furnish you with this potent and unending adoration. You did not know this but I managed to copy your photograph off the company website and I would lie on my bed or sit in a chair and stare at your picture wondering when I would be able to provide you with what you deserve. I contemplated listening to you lying beside me and whispering my name, the sensation of your hand in mine, the delight in sharing experiences. This adoration has remained, churning and growing inside of me. I have sustained it and nurtured it for all this time. That surely shows just how powerful it is and just how special you are to me. Yes, I know you had no idea. How could you? I kept it to myself as I wanted to save it all for you. Of course there have been others during those ten years but they were just practice for when I would be able to provide that adoration for you. I was fond of those supposedly significant others but let’s not you nor I delude ourselves; they came nowhere close to evoking the adoration that I have for you. I was not surprised. I understood that from the instant I laid eyes on you that you were the one. I could not make my move though until I had tested myself. You see, I had been let down so many times before. I thought I knew and understood what true adoration was. I had been deceived by imposters and found that they promised much yet delivered so little. I did not doubt you but I had to be sure. Accordingly, I kept my distance, adoring you from afar and pushing my resistance. Each day that passed where I denied myself the chance to give you my adoration was another day where I tested whether that adoration would remain intact and it was. I came through the test. I asked many questions of myself and I found that I was not wanting. This time was the reality. This was true and honest adoration, nothing more and nothing less. I realised as the months became years that the longer I waited the surer I would become and moreover, like a grand whisky maturing, the longer I waited then the more powerful this adoration would be. I understood that to allow this adoration to grow and build, to test it, to determine whether it had any boundaries and shortcomings would ultimately mean that I would be able to dispense adoration like nobody else could ever do so. I could give you what you deserved and in return you would provide me with what I wanted and needed.

This may seem strange but there almost came a point when I thought that perhaps I would never provide this adoration for you. I wondered and considered whether I would be better served by keeping it within myself. Locking my adoration away as I always wondered whether it would come undone after another day of waiting and testing, but then I realised that since I adored you so, I could no longer keep this adoration hidden. What person would I be if I did not provide you with the very thing which you deserved? I would be failing both you and I. Thus, that is why I made my move. There was nothing distinct which triggered this need to make my approach and provide you with this adoration. There was no catalyst other than the realisation that the time had come. There was nothing more to be gained in keeping this adoration confined to myself. I had to release it and lay it on you. I had to pour it over you, spilling over you and coating you. I needed to provide this most perfect adoration and allow you to bask in it, delight in and know that this is what I will also provide to you. How can that now be the case? I have waited so long to give this to you that there can be no outcome other than this permanent state of adoration which will allow us to become one and preserve that state of affairs forever. Ten years may seem like a long time but it is but a blink of the eye when compared to the infinite adoration I will give you and that shall keep us together. We shall not crumble, we shall not fall. I promise you this, just as promised the same to her last month and her the month before that and her the same last year.


25 thoughts on “I Cannot Love You More”

  1. Aah the ring. The ring he gave me (“an engagement ring”) was his grandmothers. Very useful as it cost him nothing and wasn’t worth much. (Tiniest little stone you ever did see).
    When I broke off the engagement with him (due to a massive discard on his part) I was legally required to give the ring back. Legally, an engagement ring is based on the promise to wed. Has to go back to the giver if the contract is not complete.
    A win-win-win for the narc. But luckily for me, it was such a massive devalue/discard on his part that I ejected him from my life. I immediately saw what he truly was.

    1. Pale Horse, congratulations!🍾Stay in contact with HG and here on the blog with all the amazing people that always reach out to help in so many different ways and it won’t belong until happiness finds you again. 🌻

  2. HG, have you ever blushed out of adoration for someone during the golden period? Something that I saw that made the mid ranger appear so genuine…but it couldn’t have been real vulnerabiliy, could it?

    1. No he got excited and his fangs came out drowling…A new victim, let me see how I can break them. It is a New high. WE are their drug. Think of Narcissist as drug addicts. Their drug of need is Human beings suffering. They suck out the emotions we give them good bad ugly. The End

      1. Jess Think of Vampire 🙂 their are addicts of Human beings emotions of the highs lows.

  3. My emotional thinking surged tonight. I am back in the area that my ex-n and I started our “adventure.” Tomorrow, I graduate from my grad school program sans her. In traveling to said area, I brought my wedding ring with me. I pulled into our former complex and ceremonious tossed it into the pond behind our former unit, one we used to love to look at from our balcony. I began to cry. What’s worse is I actually talked to the ring. I told it, it was a good ring but that it had to stay here and could not come back home with me. I told it, that it would be safe in the pond and nobody could ever hurt it again……

    1. Pale Horse, Congratulations on your graduation! ET is a bitch. Ceremoniously ending one chapter to begin a new one is a beautiful thing. Turn the page and turn to HG and narcsite for support. I’m glad you did. Enjoy all your accomplishments. Be proud. You’ve come a long way.

    2. Pale Horse – I’m so sorry. I’m sure it’s bittersweet but congrats on your graduation…

    3. Pale Horse
      No worries. Im sure Precious is happy in the pond corrupting some large mouth bass at present.

      Congrats on your graduating. A new life begins.

      Laugh – you know you want to.

    4. Pale Horse…. did the ring say anything back?
      Who was the ring in your mind when you were talking to it, ….was it your ex, or was it you?

    5. Pale Horse,

      I can really relate to this… when I left my ex-BF narcissist after 3 years, I flushed the beautiful promise ring he had given me down the toilet (throwing yours into a pond is much more poetic);-)… And I hurt. And I cried.

      Yes, it’s a symbolic act, but I think there’s a lot to it. It’s a way to move along in the process of letting go. So with great understanding, I say that you did something you felt necessary. It’s a big step. The next thing I did was keep a journal, writing down things about him/our relationship that kept my logic firm about my decision.

      You will have ups and downs on your journey, but be very proud of yourself for moving onto a more happy + healthy life. You deserve that. 🙂

      1. ** Snorts **
        A narcissist giving a promise ring. Thats my second laugh today. First one was Quasi’s narc being in a SOUL band. This place can be hilarious even when its not trying to be.

  4. Everything else may be a lie, but at least the title’s true. You all can never love us any more than you do now, which unfortunately is not at all.

Vent Your Spleen!

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