The Devastation of the Illusion

the-devastation

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.

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28 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion”

  1. Good morning H.G. I want to thank you for your work. For being who you are, regardless of how some of us “feel” about it. Because I stumbled across your blog article “The Devastation of the Illusion”, and because of what I read there, and what I’ve learned from your YouTube channel since then, I finally feel emotionally free of a nagging thorn in the flesh relationship that ended awhile ago. And not just that one, rest assured, but several like it through the years though this one was the most damaging to me. And now, it has become the most healing. Eye opening.

    You’re so right about empaths being truth seekers, but it’s not just empaths. It’s any person who has two brain cells that synapse, yes even narcissists I would imagine. In order to be truly free, people need information to do with what they wish and to either decide to continue to be jacked around because they’ve not yet had enough, or to finally see, accept and integrate the truth that they’ve been searching for. The most humiliating thing about it all is that we often know the truth and we lie to ourselves perhaps even more than the narcissist does or at the very least doubt the facts that are right in front of us. I can’t speak for everyone of course, but I know that I have been complicit in my own misery.

    Anyway I want to thank you for being exactly who you are because in the end, everything works out for the good of everyone involved in one way or another. Yes I really do believe this, as squishy as it sounds. Lessons are there to be learned on all sides.

    I in no way want to sound patronizing here, but I sincerely hope that you live to find something unexpectedly good and undeniably real and confidence-building throughout all of this. Wholesome confidence. Something that doesn’t come from the Fuel of others, but rather something that you have created within yourself, by yourself, maybe in spite of yourself. It’s what every human has to learn to do in this life, empaths, normals and narcissists alike. That’s what self love is, though some may sneer at the overused phrase or concept. Or call it self respect if that is more palatable. To see ourselves for what we are, embrace it, and wring the most “good” by whatever definition we can muster up, out of it. While creating and enforcing boundaries. I’m convinced that boundaries and self respect, and seeing and accepting what is, form the insulation that will protect us all, at least somewhat, from the pathology of people, circumstances, experiences, and most of all our own emotional thinking. Then we can redirect in the way we choose.

    You were created. Whether by God or by someone in your childhood who was also created, and so on for generations probably. Doesn’t matter. You are doing what you are here to do and you are damned good at it for a reason. We are learning to equip ourselves for this game of life from the best! It doesn’t grate on my nerves in the least to say that because I know how much relief your work has given me and obviously tens of thousands of others…and I thank God on my hands and knees that I’m not married to you of course!! 😉

      1. HG, only at narcsite could someone thank God on their hands and knees that they are not married to you and you thank them for their compliments. That’s so awesome!

      2. Ironic isn’t it? Yet so fitting somehow, that a pathetic little empath is seeing the ultimate good in a narcissist and baring her honest feelings about it. We never really change do we? Haha! I’m happy that I can laugh about it now. More accurately, smirk. I wrote that comment after yet another morning of waking up and finding no message from my narc…habit and muscle memory ingrained during the golden period and subsequent devaluation. I expect that it will continue for awhile. But I understand now and know that I’ll be just fine. This blog is my daily dose of reality.

  2. Pingback: *The Devastation of the Illusion* by HG Tudor – Darkest Before the Sunrise
  3. Dear Mr Tudor,
    Last week, I was going to the ladies in a shopping complex. Next thing this young lass was walking right beside me …. crying and breathing uncontrollably ( my magnet working again)
    I asked if she was ok and she said “yeeeeh yah”
    I asked if she needed a “puffer” because she was getting worse.
    She said she was diagnosed as having PTSD and was having a panic attack. I asked if a male was involved and she replied it was her boyfriend and he had abused her .. I asked if he was a narcissist and she replied …. yes
    She calmed down slightly after leaving the ladies, as we met up after and I suggested to her to try to breath from the stomach, concentrate on her emotional thinking and go on your Facebook site …
    It broke my heart that this gorgeous young lass was going thru all this … she was bewildered I could relate to her
    I really hope she’s comes on to your site … and seizes the power
    Luv Bubbles xx

    1. Bubbles
      Awwww….that poor child. I am so happy she was drawn to you and I hope she comes here. It really is heartbreaking to see that suffering.

      Good job!!!

      Luv
      K xx

      1. Dearest K,
        Thank you so much gorgeous
        She was no more than 18-20, beautiful young lass, nicely dressed but a complete emotional wreck
        It was extremely distressing to see her in such a state
        When she said she was diagnosed suffering ptsd …. I knew straight away
        I was trying to soothe her back to calm her
        I reiterated to her three times to look up HG Tudor for help
        I hope she follows thru and saves herself from further misery

        We discuss narcissism on this blog, but coming face to face with someone who’s suffering ….. reality truly set in … because I was looking at me as well

        Luv Bubbles xx

  4. Ugh. Tonight was difficult for me. Vulnerable feelings blindsided me. I did do some journaling though, writing on her negative attributes/behaviors. I knew I had written a lot but was surprised that I has filled four pages. It is a sad reminder of all I tolerated over the years.

    1. Pale Horse, Since we attract what we think and feel, I’ve come to the understanding that recognizing the sadness I once felt, what I did to myself to be with this “KIND “, was generated by my own thoughts and feelings about myself.
      He was necessary to come into my life, i (intended) attracted him to myself to learn this great lesson. My belief system was faulty and I came to my own rescue and free myself from my own limitations that I placed on myself.

      I reset my direction and fully became who I was born to be, to become aware of my true essence in connection with the Source. What I endured and what I did to myself are the reminders of how much love I have to give.

      There are no problems but only solutions. You have strength, focus only on the positive aspects of your experience and the world opens infinitely.

      Blessed Be.

      1. Law of Attraction helped you out of the victim role too, I see.
        When I finally realized how my negative vibes of griping about my 40 years with a narcissist matched me with a psychopathic predator, I was able to finally realize how that happened and how to never let it happen again

      2. What a great vision to see the experience with a narc as a way to overcome some of your previous limitations and become a better version of yourself. Excellent

  5. I feel I am no longer in love with the person because thanks to your awesome blog I have learned that it wasn’t real. You can;t love what isn’t real. I now use the experience as something positive. I feel I now know how to deal with narcs; detect them etc.
    My ex-narc was a local-lame politician with whom I interacted with daily for almost 10 years. At first, I was very upset with myself: “I wasted my time!!! How did I waste my life???”

    However, I realized recently, that the experience with him taught me how to deal with politicians. my new narc friendenemy is a federal secretary B-) I feel the experience with my first loser narc was perfect training. I also feel AMAZING to think that I have managed to get WAY better connections in politics than my ex-narc. But, hey who is counting 😉 I have not received a hoover from my ex since last year and I think it is because I have put up pictures with my famous political friends B-) yeah!

    I love that I know understand what is going. Clarity!

    Fantastic writing HG!

  6. I can see how some may be “stuck” , as you worded it, ” in tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion”. However, it was not a ghost that we fell in love with at all. Because your type mirrored who we are, it’s concluded that we fell in love with all the attributes we possessed and that your type displayed back to us. We left your type because we love our self more than your type.

    If we had any doubt about ourselves, we are blessed by the encounter by your type. Our truth nature manifested and grew to areas we may not have without your type interruption.

    You say, “You will always be in love with the person you thought I was” Instead, we will always know who we were is who we are, and your type can’t embrace that, because of the emptiness you are within. Your type is the black hole beyond the horizon.

    There is no damage that is permanent with our type, we cannot be bound, we were born to raise.

    Blessed Be.

  7. “Your heart will never accept that it was not real.” At it’s core, that is what happened to the child with the narcissist parent and what turned them into narcissists.

  8. THIS:

    The pollution of the victim. At some point the victim will be dis – engaged with and the failure of this apparent panacea of applying increased loving runs the risk of creating cynicism so that the victim feels unable to and/or unwilling to ever try to love anybody else again in a romantic sense.

    This is it!

  9. Working hard to change everything but…I think about everything he did and the dimwitted shit I would do just so I wouldn’t lose him.
    I think I lied to myself when I moved back to Hawaii. It was him I wanted to be with.
    The last few days I’ve been sailing the emotional sea of insanity. I found out he moved back to long island. Now here I sit. All the times he said he wanted to leave Hawaii. Every month I’d fall for the same old shit, that we would leave, go back to long island together. Get married and build a life together. Instead id wind up beaten and broken. I bled just to feel any ounce of love from him. Well, now he’s gone. I seriously doubt he’s thinking about me. Even though yes, i wish that was the case.

    1. try to focus your mind on other things. I would leave hawaii . it probably reminds you of him. Can you change towns? Get busy and forget the loser

    2. T
      Thank God he’s far far away! Do you have a support system in Hawaii or is that where the two of you went so he could isolate you? I know you feel betrayed by him going back without you, but from the outside looking in, it’s a very good thing.

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