The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 4

golden 4

You are never immune to our kind. You will ALWAYS be susceptible to us because of your innate addiction to our kind. You cannot remove it and thus you will not achieve immunity. You must therefore always be resisting.

You can don the armour to protect yourself as fashioned through my works, but that armour does not give you permanent invulnerability. All armour must be updated, maintained and checked otherwise the shield splits, the chainmail links weaken and the breastplate shatters more readily.

If you think that you are immune to us, you are succumbing to emotional thinking. It wants you to think that you are immune because if that is what you think, then guess what you will do? You will either want to test your immunity or you will believe that you can engage with us in some way and therefore you are doing precisely what your emotional thinking wants you to do. It wants you to engage with us and it will find whatever way it can to make you do that.

You are not immune. You may very well be able to take a telephone call from us and not react to what we say you may even feel nothing for us – no pity, no love or no hate. That time. You may be able to take that second telephone call from us and feel the same way, but because you are not immune, the more you engage with us – whether this is thinking about us, talking about us, spending time with us – you will eventually fall prey to your emotional thinking to a greater extent.

The very fact you are engaging with us when you think that you are immune, means that your  emotional thinking is working, because of course logic would tell you that you have no need to engage with us. Why then are you doing it? Because I want to show myself I will not react, I will not get drawn back in. That is emotional thinking. You are engaging with us and several things arise from this which are problematic. They may not appear problematic to you, because during that telephone call you feel in control, you did not get upset, you do not feel anxious any more, you do not feel anything for us, but you are creating problems.

  1. You will be providing us with fuel. It may be minimal but it will be there because you will not be able to maintain a neutral and flat tone throughout a conversation. Yes, you may be able to achieve this for a very short time and yes, you may not be giving much fuel, but it is there all the same. Thus, we are getting something we want.
  2. You are not rejecting us. By speaking to us you have signalled that you will answer the phone and engage. You may not be enthusiastic but you answered nevertheless. This provides us with encouragement.
  3. You are feeding your addiction and therefore your emotional thinking will want more and in its insidious way it will con you by telling you that you handled the call without any difficulty (it feels like this of course but it is not the case) and thus it will encourage you to do so again or encourage you to attend that social event where you know we will be there because you remain confident of being able to handle the situation. All you are doing is allowing the addiction to be fed and for the emotional thinking to surge until it overwhelms you (and it will) at a future point.
  4. You may well be feeding us useful information in the course of the conversation which we can use to our advantage.

Accordingly, by thinking you are immune and therefore thinking you can engage safely with us, you are creating risks and problems.

You have no need to engage with us.

You have no need to test your immunity because you are not immune. Understand this.

Instead, you can build your resistance. You are resistant but not immune. Some of you have a very low resistance, others far higher, but whichever it is, this resistance, just like the functioning of your own resistance to disease, can erode and weaken. The easiest way for this to happen is by repeatedly exposing yourself to engaging with us. The more you do so, you do not build your resistance but you weaken it. Of course, as I have explained above, you think you are becoming more resistant because you have an encounter with us and you walk away head held high thinking you handled it well. Superficially, yes, but beneath the surface, the problems I have detailed above are forming, waiting and growing ready to ensnare you.

By obeying this golden rule, you will avoid the complacency and risk which comes with thinking you are immune. Instead you will recognise you have resistance, you will understand that his resistance can be made stronger and can also be made weaker, so that with that logic defence established in your mind, you will work harder to avoid complacency and the problems that come with that.

Some of your resistance will be innate, but the majority of resistance is that which is learned and applied. You increase your resistance through reading and understanding, through the imposition of a solid no contact regime, by applying a rigorous purging of the emotional infection so it is driven to the lowest level and by the building of Logic Defences. Combining all of those elements will heighten your resistance, minimise weakening it, reduce the risk of using your resistance unnecessarily (which is of course a consequence of the impact of emotional thinking) and means that when a hoover happens to get through unexpectedly, that when you have those ‘bad days’ when you pine for us, your resistance will not be found wanting and you will repel the hoover, you will reject the emotional thinking which is straining to make you contact us and you will ensure that your resistance remains intact. Do not voluntarily test it, that is giving in to emotional thinking and taking an unnecessary risk – save its strength for when it is really needed because those moments will indeed come.

By applying the cornerstone elements from the paragraph above, their maintenance becomes easier, more natural and more instinctive and thus less arduous for you. You do not need to maintain a state of heightened vigilance, for that becomes draining, you will create a more-readily maintained defensive regime. Doing so little and often becomes far easier than a sudden overhaul when it is too late, which is invariably when complacency has already become the traitor who is unlocking the castle gates.

You are not immune.

You are always resisting.

Remember this and that resistance will achieve freedom and maintain it.

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29 Comments

  1. I was doing alright for a couple of months. He walked by my house last week on his way to work. I hadn’t seen him do that in a long time and it threw me off. The next day would have been our daughter’s due date and I really wanted to connect with him. We lost her and I didn’t want to feel alone. I texted him about her, partly because I assumed he still had me blocked from our last fight in July.

    HG – I’ve read books on narcissists, but nothing compares to the true darkness you present. I see his face in everything you describe. What an important job you do here.This is very helpful and will hopefully be the eyeopener I need.

    May I ask you a question so I don’t wait for the answer from him? He kept saying to me “I know you don’t think I have feelings, but I miss the baby.” He said it in the same tone and same exact words that I had said it to him months earlier. But, he didn’t really miss the baby, did he? Did he take pleasure in watching me suffer? He never suffered like I did, did he?

    But, then I guess the real question I have is how can I make him suffer?
    I’ll keep reading for more enlightenment…

  2. Reminds me of the movie War Games, in which the supercomputer analyzing scenarios of nuclear war concludes that the only winning move is not to play. It also references nuclear war as a “strange game” which I think can sum up the entanglement with the narc.

  3. Dear Mr Tudor,
    Your second paragraph … “You can don the armour ….” is so true
    As soon as I walk out my front door, I’m confronted by all things “shiny”
    The only “shine” that exists for me now is polishing my armour … I try to maintain it to its maximum, however I do get a tad nervous of my “Achilles heel” ….somehow a “band aid” will not suffice

    This is why I’m here everyday to keep focused and have “you” firmly imbedded in my brain ….

    Bit like the old “American Express” commercial …. “don’t leave home without it” …. haha

    Excellent excellent so true article
    Well done
    Luv Bubbles xx

  4. There are people who are so horrified by a narcissist’s behavior that any positive feeling is killed when they are subjected to the smear campaign and vindictive revenge attempts. Not everyone is pining to be back with the narcissist, nor is everyone forever susceptible to emotional thinking regarding them.

    Sometimes narcissists target people who are done the minute the insanity starts. Narcissists always think that they’re irresistible forever to anyone they’ve ever been involved with, but that’s just part of the huge blind spot all narcissists have about themselves.

    1. I’m sure that sometimes it is just like that. I personally have not been subjected to any harsh treatment from him, he just failed to deliver on a continuous basis after the Golden period was over. I definitely don’t pine to be back with him, yuck! I don’t care about revenge or getting one up on him etc.

      Still, the idea of him is still imprinted on the recesses of my mind. I’m still vulnerable to errant thoughts on having felt loved and accepted, of having felt connected with someone in such an intense way, of the ever-presence I constructed and embedded in my mind to feel less alone. These thoughts don’t go into the direction of “I want him back”, they revolve around the debacle of having engaged with him, and then I’m back to reminiscing and over-analysing myself again. It took me forever to stop doing that. One thing I have learned is that relationships should be easy. They shouldn’t require constant vigilance over one’s thoughts, emotions, actions etc. There should be no hyper-vigilance… that is a hallmark of abuse and other relationship disorders (is that even a thing? if not, it should be!).

      Anyway, to come back to the point – HG’s advice is very sound. Those kinds of people WriteItOut mentions will not engage with the narcissist anyway, or will do so when forced in a social situation and will then go back to no contact (incl. no thinking about them). For most of us here, however, the narc(s) is/are still something of an Achilles’ heel. And while I don’t need to resist much or very often, I’m far from immune and it’s good to be reminded of that.

      1. You make good points and I agree that HG’s advice is sound. It’s also from narcissist and that has to be considered, especially point of view. His is…you will always be susceptible to me. That’s a part of the blind spot of a narcissist personality.

        People will interact with narcissists without being aware at first that they’re dealing with one. All of those people will not be forever ensnared by thoughts of them, some walk away with no regrets or lingering thoughts of how good it was. Some people look back and are horrified that they were fooled by a person like that. Their fervent wish is that they’d never met the narcissist to begin with.

    2. Yes, WriteItOut, I think you are correct in saying that narcissists have a blind spot in regard to this. I have CPTSD from narcissistic abuse. Usually my physical reaction to the narcissist warns me long before my brain even kicks in to tell me that I’m in danger. It all depends on how safe I have felt with the narcissist, which really amounts to how well they have completed my trauma bonding to them. With CPTSD, once someone makes me feel radically unsafe, I lose all attraction to them, and even feel repulsed. There aren’t any narcissists I’ve been romantically involved with who hold the same charm after I’ve seen beneath their mask. For example, the Woman Collector — I caught him being unfaithful to his girlfriend. Could I ever be in a relationship with him and backfile that he’s a cheater, and think he’s not cheating on me? I might foolishly think I didn’t care what he did, but my CPTSD wouldn’t let me forget for 10 seconds. Then I’d go all Supernova on him the second something appeared out of sorts. I can adaptively overcome this on a very temporary basis, but it never lasts and fighting my CPTSD only results in a larger catastrophe.

  5. I started reading this blog and it was like a revelation of many years’ worth of past events. Now it’s like the daily posts are perfectly timed to help me deal with what the enemy is currently doing. Also, the tone and dark humor of your writing is comforting to read. Like hiding in a horror movie set to successfully evade a real life murderer.

  6. So true. I was almost 2 months full NC. Found out by accident a way karma had bitten him in the ass and felt sooo good. Against all my best instincts I unblocked him and sent a gloating message, then blocked him straight away. This was 3 days ago and plunged me straight back into full withdrawal mode again. It’s like the ex alcoholic thinking one drink won’t hurt. Starting NC over from day one.

    Live and learn..

  7. I am living proof that you are not immune. 2 narcs 3 differentl times. The same narc returned after more than a decade. I finally got over his return and then bam a few years later Narc 2. How did I not know number 2 was a narc? Easy different schools. They presented completely different from one another

  8. Ah, the emotional thinking. Best to give the devil it’s due. How easy to con myself into thinking I’m perfectly fine. Until some innocuous occurrence and I’m down the rabbit hole. HG kindly called it hypervigilance.

    Friend request at twenty minutes to one a.m. I know this person, worked with them, had them on my old profile. Disovered this person was mutual friends with you know who and blocked them. I didn’t block them the second time around and now I’m over thinking full steam ahead. I’m not savvy enough to spot fake profiles, just suspicious ones.

    This person would be easy enough to con. I know enough to know they are empathic in nature. I also know that it’s not quite eleven at night in Colorado and that the narc stays up late most nights.

    ET is telling me I’m over thinking and this is a coincidence. In truth it very well could be. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.

    Maybe I’ll just drink another cup of coffee and ignore it anyway.

    1. Oh I have dealt w the whole fake profile thing. If this is someone you know and they aren’t really that friendly with the Narc it’s probably ok but if your gut says no then listen to it.

      Are you worried this person is spying for him?

      I have one really good friend that is friends w the Narc. She has no idea he’s a narc and doesn’t know I was involved with him though she suspects. I don’t think hex ask her anything as he knows it would get back to me. So far it’s been we rarely discuss him but on ocassion it’s been a little triggering because she has mentioned him and the new ipss a few times but I handled it fine

      1. He himself is real. There is part of me that just went with it to see wtf would happen, if anything. Is this person an LT, is there a fake profile on his account that would allow the narc to spy, or am I just being hyper vigilant. I am mutual friends with a few other people that aren’t super close with the narc so maybe I really am paranoid.

        Good for you handling it so well.

      2. Go with your gut. I know Mr Lesser has used a fake profile to friend me and when I questioned how he knew me didn’t have any real answer and the answer he gave couldn’t have been the case. Yes I have mutual friends with this person but none of them actually know the person behind the profile. What he did was friend people I would know so that I would likely accept. WRONG

  9. This is so true. I often have thought that it is okay to contact him because this time I am strong enough!

    But, then I find that I am sucked back in without even recognizing the addiction process, itself.

    There have definitely been times where I have felt the genuine need to communicate with him… like I just HAD to… I HAD to!

    And then, I am starting all over again, trying to regain control, and it’s so difficult.

  10. You’re correct HG. I ran an experiment With various intentions and I never even managed to get out what I really wanted to say to the narc because she got up and walked away soon as I brought up my feelings. And she thought she might have to take some accountability-She was gone and future faked about getting together a different time. Now I’m certain I don’t need to play anymore games with her. I will never believe much anything she has to say if I do speak with her again. I was offering to be a listening ear if she ever needed one but she would rather push me away and keep me as the enemy or some other purgatory state-Since obviously her existence is working for her. She doesn’t need any sympathy or support. She has created a new life at the snap of a finger. She left her last 2 primary sources behind and with zero empathy or closure.
    I don’t think I am in anyway at risk for another narcissist because I am entirely turned off to the idea of romance and honeymoon period- And sadly even passion seems ridiculous. Ever again. I just Don’t believe in it really.Like can somebody live in the day to day and treat me with decency-Without drama without control? That’s more important. A subtle attraction is OK but I think an intense attraction is likely false- or possibly toxic. Maybe I’ll change but I feel like that side of me has been shut down

  11. 6-year-old Maddox Ritch disappeared from a North Carolina park and in a TV interview his mother made these statements: “Maddox is my whole world and my reason for living; he is a mama’s boy. I want my baby back in my arms.”

    It is all about mom and evidences her sense of entitlement and lack of empathy. (I am learning HG)

    Maddox’s dad made these statements: “These past few days have been hell for me. I’m so broken. I’m heartbroken,” Ian, 42, of Concord, tells PEOPLE. “Every time it gets dark at night I burst into tears because I’m thinking, ‘My little boy is out there alone.’ The longer [the search is] going the harder it gets because I’m so worried. He hasn’t had anything to eat or drink.”

    Dad’s statements are about him too, but he does display some “empathy”, however, that empathy is somewhat self-directed: “I burst into tears” and “the harder it gets (for me) because I am so worried.”

    Maddox may have gotten lost, however, I suspect the dad may have had something to do with the disappearance but not the mother.

  12. I had never thought about it in that way but it makes a lot of sense. I realize that I am not completely immune but I can build my resistance by being aware. Narcissists are like allergens and the best thing to do is avoid them, so we don’t react.

  13. DO NOT DO IT! I finally did- my ego wanted him to know I am doing fantastic without him……..( I cannot in any compete with his ‘prize’ he has now from a famous reality tv family—- but she is a narc and a super crazy one at that) he does not care! He LOVES being able to parade her
    and her last name around ( funny after they divorce/ or the guy dies they still keep the hyphenated name as they want the fame the name brings them!!!! UGHHHHH! However, I love my dogs, babysitting other dogs, my volunteer work at the homeless shelter and gardening! So, let him know how happy I am with my life!!!! NOW, I cannot get him and her out of my mind!!! WTF did he even call me???? WHY did I answer???? Do NOT answer, stay out of their reach, keep your power!!!!!
    OH HG…… I am so sorry I did not listen to you!! Why would he even ‘lower’ himself ‘down’ to my level again? Why, play the let’s go to Vancouver, let me take you to my new resort in Alaska– WHY did I talk to him!!!!??????? I am so stupid- life was better without him—– life was better when he called and I did not answer!! Back to step one! DO NOT ANSWER THE CALL!!!!!!

    1. Dearest Empress1,

      1) He did not “lower” himself down to your level ….he’s was already there to begin with my luv
      You’re waaaaay above him my precious

      2) You are absolutely definitely “not” stupid
      He called you because that’s what they do….bloody nuisances I say

      You are a caring kind person who acted as an empathic human soul would
      You did nothing wrong, bad or fail in any way

      We act with our feelings, something you should be proud of

      Now dust yourself off, hold your head up high, start again and walk tall

      If you can, screen your calls, put them on the answering machine or block him
      Your gorgeous fur balls and calmness awaits you 🐶
      Heartfelt wishes sweetheart
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    2. EMP,

      It is easy to be hard on yourself during recovery. Try to keep in mind that recovery from narc abuse is a process and change happens slowly and in small increments. You may interpret your answering the call as a mistake. I see it as an opportunity to develop a deeper comprehension of HG’s teachings and why the strategies he professes are crucial to move forward.

  14. Oh, that’s just great, Here I am thinking I’m on the home straight to freedom, just to find n-ex is not just lurking at the finishing post but getting ready to move it further out of reach courtesy of me! HG, as much as I appreciate knowledge is power, there are times when I just feel face planted. Thanks for the reminder (grumbling under breath gnashing of teeth, and planning relocation to desert island).

Vent Your Spleen!

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