Here Comes The Rain Again

I love the rain. I have a lodge in the countryside and like to sit on its veranda and gaze across the lake as the rain lashes down. I hear it drumming on the roof, a steady, reliable rhythm. I can see the large droplets cascading down into the lake, striking the foliage that grows on the edge of the water, the splashes and rivulets visible from my vantage point. After a time I am always compelled to leave my seat and walk the short distance from my lodge to the lakeside. I have brought most of my girlfriends here. It is tranquil and beautiful. The lake is about a two miles long and half a mile wide and is rather deep. Excellent for fishing. One can walk all the way around the lake and I have done so with my girlfriends as we strolled through the woodland, isolated from the rest of the world.

I like to stand on the edge of the water and stretch my arms out wide and tilt my head upwards and feel the heavy drops of rain pelt against my face causing me to blink as they land on my eyes. The cold water trickles down my cheeks and over my chin as the steady patter continues, eventually soaking into my clothing. I often lose track of how long I stand there, feeling the water striking me and then running off me. I never feel cold and I don’t notice the wet, not really. I feel clean though, the cleanest I’ve been as the edifying pluvial downpour continues. Each drop that hits me seems to take with it the dirt and disease, casting it down onto the ground beneath me. The impurities are washed away, the droplets scouring the contamination from my skin. The water strikes me and the spray that rises dashes the filth away, the mire rinsed from me. It feels to me as if God has sent his purity to scrub away the muck, grime and pollution that clings me to me for far too long. I am soon soaked as the water dilutes the sin and flushes away the stains.

There is innocence in the rain. For however so long it is that I embrace the downpour, I am divested of my cynicism and just for a while everything I have ever done, everything I have ever said no longer matters. I have been stripped of it all. I would stand like this with Karen. She would adopt the same pose. I would hear her gentle laugh as she opened her mouth to let the rain get inside of her and she held my hand, both of us arms outstretched as if we were being crucified. Even now as I close my eyes against the deluge I hear that soft laugh but I know she is not besides me anymore. She knew what the rain did and does for me. She understood.

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68 thoughts on “Here Comes The Rain Again”

  1. Pingback: ECCO CHE TORNA LA PIOGGIA
  2. Notice I addressed the religious folk in one of my posts yesterday, not the spiritual. Big difference. Understand, I have narcissistic traits that when used with no emotions, allow me to deal with narcissists. The traits aren’t the problem, it is choosing to use those traits for bad purposes, that harms instead of heals. Having said that…
    Windstorm, (lol, that’s a type of state mandated insurance in Texas)
    Get back to me when you have figured out that a person can use a Bible to justify any position from murder of children to unprovoked genocide. Then, we can have a real discussion without the need for cognitive dissonance clouding things up.

    Persephone
    I have enjoyed the back and forth productive discussion with you immensely. Thank you.

    Chihuahuamum
    I agree with your statement that God will forgive anyone who asks. If you read what I wrote carefully, you will realize that my entire point is that the desire for forgiveness comes as a result of remorse. Narcissists will not and can not, due to a severing of their conscience, ask for or desire forgiveness. In their mind, they have done nothing wrong that requires forgiveness.
    In General,
    It is always good to know, when you walk into a narcissists world, who will defend them and who just watches what is happening. To all of you who participated in the survey, thank you. I appreciated your cooperation.

    1. It depends
      Good examples of both using your narc traits and demonstrating your own point that people will attempt to justify any opinion with the Bible. Also good deflection from a losing argument.

      1. I can’t tell if I’ve missed something but I’ve been falsely called a lot of shit and “Cooperative Survey Taker” is the least colorful, so whatever.

      2. Nunya biz
        Ha, ha! I just took the “survey” comment as part and parcel, in keeping with the tone and purpose of the comment. Any further participation on my part has ended

  3. I think we also have to bear in mind that who ever HG is, he has a talent for writing and whilst he is conveying practical real information , he writes like a novelist. Presumably because he enjoys showing his flair and talent for words and writing ability and this also makes it more interesting for the reader. Just because he has a talent for writing doesn’t mean he feels these emotions, there have been many amazing novelists that have written things that they have never in their life experienced. HG could write an amazing love story but it wouldn’t mean a thing really in terms of his feelings . It’s theatre in a way even the writing is an extension of the part he plays in life. But he is genuinely a talented writer, he should be writing non narc stuff !! And if he is or does, how are we going to buy it 🤔

    1. With all due respect, he does not write like a novelist. An authentic creative writer is …creative…not a mirror construct of what they have stolen from others and a novelist is full of imaginative creative ability that he does not possess. He does however, provide practical and straight forward information that is highly appreciated by myself and others, with a realization that he does so for his own self-absorbed and selfish purposes. He could not write an amazing, “original” love story but he could rewrite the love stories of original thinkers in such a way, that he could pass it off as his own original work, to most, I will agree. His writing and books so far, illustrate this point…

      1. Hi It Depends, i’m sorry i don’t agree, all or most novelists are writing from borrowed or imagined things, we don’t really know who they are. Not everyone that ever wrote about something experienced in personally. HG is a narcissist, he’s not a robot , he is actually a person. His talent for writing isn’t mirrored it’s just how he writes.

      2. It Depends, sorry, you don’t know what you’re talking about. HG is a very poetic, descriptive writer whose fiction novels I long for. I know about writing, I was always encouraged throughout all my schools and teachers to be a creative writer, if it weren’t for my narc mom discouraging me – ‘do you know how many people want to be writers – get a job with a pension after 20 years’. I don’t understand the purpose of your comment either, but I do know it’s not deserved. No disrespect to you, honestly.

      3. It Depends,

        “An authentic creative writer is …creative…not a mirror construct of what they have stolen from others and a novelist is full of imaginative creative ability that he does not possess.”

        What creative individual do you know that is not a product of their experience, background, upbringing culture etc., and the creations produced by them are therefore a result of that?

      4. It Depends, you are of course entitled to your opinion that you don’t find HGs work descriptive or creative. I do however take issue of your insinuations that he is manipulating the work of others and passing it off as his own. That is serious and should not be said without proof of such.

  4. Kim e

    I am very pleased that you consider I have contributed something in the way of perspective. 🙂 Thank you.

  5. Pingback: Here Comes The Rain Again ⋆ NarcTopia
  6. It Depends,

    ‘Their “curse” is to always feel empty and unfulfilled because of the suffering that they inflict on others’ I think that Ns inflict suffering on others BECAUSE they always feel empty and unfulfilled.

    Your next lines are closer to what I think is true for them:
    ‘Joy and happiness are not allowed to them. This is why they are so envious of the happiness and joy of others and try to destroy it when they can.’…..Exactly!

    Now, about his writing about the rain and what is does for him, it is a beautiful piece, and shows that narcissists DO have some emotions, and he relates these beautifully. It is also nice to see that so many of us also enjoy the rain, even if it conjures different emotions for each of us.

    I feel a wild euphoria if I can get out into the rain and enjoy it. I will even ride my bike and not give a flyinphuc about the mud streak on my back!
    I even open my sunroof if I am driving in the rain by myself. (Don’t worry, the rain (and snow!) flies over the top of the car, barely moistening the interior and occupant(s).

    Perse (the wet one)

    1. Persephone

      Whoops, posted this in the wrong place a moment ago…..Whereas I respect your opinion that narcs inflict suffering “because” of their emptiness and I realize that this is the dominant psychological view of many psychologists, I do not agree with it at all. Here’s why. (I am excluding the lesser and victim variety in this explanation, they are another topic) What they desire more than anything is to feel powerful and in control of those around them. This is a choice they make, usually from a very young age. At some point, they begin testing their ability to control others and the more they get their way due to their manipulations, the more powerful they feel. This becomes a perpetual feedback loop that even their physical energy levels become dependent on. Through trial and error over time, they become more successful at their manipulations. They can not be successful in controlling people if they let good emotions like love and empathy, get in the way of their scorched earth control tactics. They cause their own emptiness.
      They remain unfulfilled because they want to have their cake and eat it too and that is no longer possible. They want to be able to have a level of power and control which requires a lack of empathy. At the same time, they want the real true power and effects that come from having love and empathy but they they can’t achieve this power because, by it’s very nature, empathy and love, voluntarily gives up this obsessive control. In the beginning, letting themselves love would have required them to let go of power and control and they refused to do that. Understand that over time they actually destroyed their own conscience and that “brain process” can’t be reversed. Once the conscience has been destroyed, they no longer have the ability to have positive emotions like love and empathy or the results of love and empathy, like happiness, contentment and joy.
      This inability to have their cake and eat it too, is a source of one of their greatest frustrations. They aren’t idiots. They see the actions of the empaths and realize that the happiness and contentment they experience daily is a direct result of the love and empathy that they show towards others. They see that empaths don’t need or want total control in order to be joyously happy. An empath finds their happiness by giving their love, care and attention to others. We are the direct opposite of the narcissists. A narcissist “tries” to find a sense of peace, relief from the nagging knowledge that they are horrible people and an escape from the reality that they are aware of (and always hiding from), the fact that they are low class low lifes. They try to ease the pain that their ugliness and terrible actions causes within themselves, by taking from others, be it character traits or a combination of negative and positive emotions. Empaths “find” happiness by giving. We are polar opposites of one another. One of the reasons that narcissists eventually become vicious (overtly or covertly) towards empaths is because they are attempting to deny the empath the happiness they get from “giving.” They want desperately for the empath to give, give, give to them but out of jealousy, they do not want the empath to reap the natural rewards of their giving.
      As to your comment that his writing proving that he does show emotions, I think what you meant by this, specifically, was that you are of the opinion that his rain article proves he has the ability to show “positive” emotions. Correct? Sorry, but again, I completely disagree. I can’t read his mind, thus I can not be completely certain of his feelings or motives but I can make a good guess because of my extensive experience and study of other narcissists I know. They are true masters at mirroring the positive emotions of others. Any positive, empathetic or loving emotions that they appear to have or write about, are simply a useful and manipulative mirror of what they have seen and experienced from others who genuinely have positive emotions. They could feel “satisfied” by a good day that left them feeling powerful and in control and thus get a momentary pleasing sensation from the cool rain hitting their skin with a contrast of a warm breeze. They could get a temporary and quickly fleeting sense of the “peace” that most often times eludes them, from standing in the rain with someone they know they have complete control over. They could feel themselves temporarily melt into the rain and lose themselves in it for a short time. I could give you lots of examples of what they could feel with this rain experience but what they are not feeling and can not feel, is the absolute joy of the moment, being so full of happiness you want to abandon yourself to the rain or complete contentment in the moment. These are by-products, rewards, of a life that is lived that is full of love and empathy. They are denied these pleasures. Forever. I apologize for the length but hope this clears up the reasons why I vehemently but respectfully, disagree with you.

      1. I do know that some people are genetically incapable of empathy, or of having a ‘conscience’ .
        Here is an article about James Fallon, a neuroscientist who was surprised to find that he was a psychopath:
        https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/01/life-as-a-nonviolent-psychopath/282271/
        He is not a narcissist, though, I believe if he had experienced the same abuse in childhood as HG and many of the readers, this is exactly what he would have become.
        I didn’t specify which emotions he felt, but I’ll agree with you that he would not be able to sustain many of the emotions that we identify as positive, and would not feel others at all the way we felt them.
        My N husband would insist to his dying breath that he loved me so much he would die without me. I don’t think that panic if you can’t control someone is love, but this is part of what he thought love felt like to him.
        Studies in neuroscience show that the brains of people without empathy are structurally different, and they are also nerve impulse different. (See Dr. Rhonda Freeman)
        So this information has informed much of my ideas about narcissists.
        And while they are not built like us, or function like us, they are only human. Humans committing monstrous acts in some cases, but they are human, and do have some emotions. For themselves, at least.

        Thanks for your thoughts on this, It’s good to know other peoples experience and thoughts on these interesting and contrary people. It just isn’t in me a lot of the time to emotionlessly consider where they are coming from. 😛

      2. Persephone, I feel similar to your perspective, meaning I tend to think HG is not a robot and also that he is a skilled creative writer of his own merit.
        Also as an aside (kind of off topic from what has been said) I tend to think that (some) people believe that far more writing has been stolen than actually has.

        But I also liked this comment, It Depends. A nice explanation and I appreciate it. I have been unable to put into words the repeated feeling of energy loss I have experienced from narcissists. I love that HG has many articles that point to the causes of that side effect. It has felt to me like a deep “sucking” sensation where colors seem to dull and movement seems to slow and feelings dim. This gives an insight into why and before reading HG I couldn’t identify all of that well enough, the source of the shifting, to avoid it. It helps take away that “deliberation” that I go through and the self-questioning. It is amazing how much removing my ability to simply be kind and generous in a natural flow ricochets through my actual experience of things. Amazing.

        And btw, Persephone, that James Fallon article is something I’m about to look at because I wonder if some of it might apply to my husband. I’ve never been able to put my finger on things with him.

      3. What I was curious about was the parts regarding development vs genetics etc…
        No “warrior gene” here, lol.
        I am curious about people who seem normal but have underlying stuff.
        Like seems pretty common that an N isn’t a psychopath or something.

    1. I think there is number of us on here who were teens in the 80’s … Depeche Mode, Eurythmics … That is when I first met the Narc both liked SMPLE MNDS .. Looked better written on an English Lit exercise book …. x

  7. Watching a movie and a comment about loving the rain came up; it made me think of you and this writing. Thank you for the ever presence! LOL
    In all seriousness this writing, of all yours, strikes in a very different way: I can’t describe it. I hope you get to visit that place often.

  8. I might be getting confused but wasn’t Karen a nurse ? Described as a caretaker and horribly abused and then there were follow up malignant hooverings , I might be getting her mixed up. I often wonder if any of these women read this blog. They could be reading without you knowing HG?

      1. How do you feel about that ? They could expose your identity ? I know of course you would deny and they would be labelled nutcases , however they still could and you wouldn’t really be able to stop that , other than to deny it ? There was a comment on here once that did seem like it was someone that was responding to an incident , you said That was not the case . I wonder if you would actually let a comment through ? and then of course stop them from commenting further . I don’t know how this would work with the 5 rules 🤔 If we found this blog through looking for info, i’m sure some of them must be looking for info or have in the past

    1. Hi lisa….i wondered the same thing but its possible these stories are altered or maybe some are even made up for teaching purposes. We dont know that these stories are exactly true. I could see how altering them would be the safest way or taking something that happened and completely making a different story from it to get the point across. HG is a writer and we have no proof these stories are true and happened exactly how theyre written.

  9. Nice piece of writing, mindfulness in the rain.

    I have gone cynical, I was waiting for the punch paragraph at the end, to say it didn’t happen. Happy that you do have those moments of peace and contentment.

    I love lakes, getting my fix this weekend Bala and Lake Vyrnwy. 12 mile bike ride around Lake Vyrnwy on Saturday all the beautiful Autumn colours and as North Wales very probably rain as well.

  10. HG

    I hate the rain.
    Its miserable.
    You very kindly did a counselling recording for me last week – well, My X turned up while I was at work. Our daughter was alone in the house. She opened the door to see him there, she was expecting me as it was the time I would normally come home. She had a terrible shock.
    Like a slasher movie she said…….her dad, standing there, in the pouring rain. Dark. He had a smile on his face. She made an excuse about putting the dog in the kitchen and closed the door then rang me in a panic!

    He told Our daughter he was soaking wet and cold, but she told him, no mum said he could not come in to the house. No way. Eventually, he went, walking away in the pouring rain.

    Why did he choose that day? That stormy day…..? Your wonderful work here explains it. Thanks.

  11. HG It is only 2 months that I am following your blog and this is the fist time that I read:
    – “I love,…. I like to… and feel,…I loose track… feeling,… I feel clean, feeling……It feels to me as if God has sent all this purity,…. There is innocence….”

    And I feel joy, thank you.

    At the level of your personality I feel scare, you are abusive
    At the level of your personal task of exposing the narcs you give life
    And beyond your task you are even greater, a poet

  12. Beautiful story. I have always loved rain, even in my childhood. I love the gloomy rain clouds and all of the movement from all of the water. My cousins and I used to play in the rain together. One of my best memories.

  13. If I didn’t know what I know, I would almost think you had genuine feelings for Karen the Codepebdent but it seems as if you miss her a bit but it’s not that you miss her correct ? If you miss her it would be the flavor of her fuel you miss correct ?

    Is this a recently written piece ?

  14. HG. Almost sounds like emotions. I envision you with a heartfelt smile and maybe something close to peace around your relaxed being
    “That clings me to me….”. This was my favorite line. I can relate…….

  15. Karen liked the rain too. While she probably enjoyed your seeming joy as well, she had her own emotions not entirely focused on you. She projected what she was feeling onto you, and thought you were sharing a moment.

    But you weren’t since you can’t share anything. Even the rain has to be all about you. What a waste.

  16. I relate to this. Love the rain. Makes me feel melancholic and complete. It has been raining by me for the past several days and has definitely contributed to my mood. I always loved running in it and as a kid would love swimming in it, but I was always forced to go inside.

  17. Pretty sure everyone on the entire planet, indeed the whole entire universe would understand this. (Although maybe they may not think themselves being crucified.) Karen understood what the pelting wild and natural rain did for you. A nice specifically subjective connection huh?

  18. This is beautiful. I have always loved the rain, because it reminds me that there is something so much bigger than any of us, any of our silly little problems and issues and lives and dramas…and it is comforting and cleansing. And I have been saying this for years, usually to people who don’t get what I am talking about. Occasionally there are some who do. But I have never read, heard, written, or thought anything as lovely as this. You may have been damaged but you have something amazingly pure underneath. Thank you for sharing this.

  19. So you do have concience in there despite it only making very brief appearances. Its hidden away but can never fully come out bc a narc would self destruct if they had to fully face what all theyd done in life and who they really are.
    I see this with my mother. I think she does a great job compartmentalizing all the damage shes caused by blaming it on me but deep down when no ones around it creeps up and she will drink to make it go away. I feel bad for her despite the hurt shes caused me. I have forgiven her despite still being angry at times. If she faced herself fully and admitted the damage she could help heal from within and thats what id want. Im healing myself and she needs to heal and wash away her dirt. God would forgive her too. God forgives anyone who prays for forgiveness and gives strength.

    1. iThey do not have or express a conscience. For the religious folks, who have been taught that God is capable of forgiving everyone (he can’t, for the same reason he could not forgive “Satan,” no remorse for wrong doing and he would still try to overthrow God himself) maybe if I speak your language, you would understand this concept. 1 Timothy 4:1-2 kjv Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits and doctrines of devils. Speaking lies and hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron.
      They are not damaged people in the respect that their personality was formed as a result of being damaged by others. They damaged themselves. They did this by deciding that they wanted power and control more than they wanted to possess the traits of love and empathy. That simple. They systematically destroyed everything that was good and pure about themselves. Their conscious was destroyed in the process and this situation can’t be “forgiven.” It isn’t possible because their ability to feel remorse and thus, “want” forgiveness, has been irrevocably destroyed by themselves.

      1. It Depends
        Your quoting the King James Bible to make your point intrigued me. That’s how I grew up!

        You use 1Timothy 4 1-2 to prove that narcs were not victims and chose their own path and “systematically destroyed everything that was good and pure about themselves.”
        Well, according to the verse you quoted, they WERE seduced by spirits and the doctrines of devils. Seems like a claim of being victimized might have some foundation to me.

        As to your saying that God can not forgive people with no conscience, the Bible is full of assertions that God can do anything, such as:

        Luke 1:37 King James Version (KJV)
        “For with God nothing shall be impossible.”
        Or
        Mark 10:27 King James Version (KJV)
        “And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.”
        Or
        Matthew 19:26 King James Version (KJV)
        But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

        Jesus seemed pretty sure about it. There is his opinion reported by three different apostles in three different books in the Bible – with God, all things ARE possible. Period.

      2. Hi it depends…thats your belief but not mine. I dont consider myself religious but more spiritual. Ive had so many instances in my life that have formed my faith. I never try to push my beliefs on others bc it is very personal. I will express it from time to time. I do believe god will forgive anyone who wants and asks for forgiveness.

  20. Weird / my ex narc was obsessed by water insisting on all 3 homes being by the sea, in view of the sea, sailing on the sea and incessantly showering, yes incessant showering. Not just to wash away the sex but now I know to wash away the evil. The sea, was he in awe if one thing more powerful than him I wonder?

  21. By George, I think he’s got it. Or at least it appears you get the joy of the rain. Do you feel joy when you feel clean? Do you feel joy at all? Or is it just the perception that clean feels less bad than a dirty scoundrel?

    1. No, it isn’t joy, they are not capable of that emotion. It’s a fleeting, welcome and momentary respite from from what they know they are and it is very short lived. That is all. Their “curse” is to always feel empty and unfulfilled because of the suffering that they inflict on others. Joy and happiness are not allowed to them. This is why they are so envious of the happiness and joy of others and try to destroy it when they can.

      1. Hello It Depends
        I always thought their “curse” of feeling cold and unfulfilled was why they caused hurt and pain on others. Your perspective made me look at it a different way.

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