Contrariwise,’ continued Tweedledee, ‘if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.”

Makes perfect sense to me but I should imagine it will not to you. Welcome to the logic of my world. The penchant that our kind and me exhibit for telling you that black is white and when you eventually agree (and you will no matter how ridiculous this may appear) we will tell you that it was black all along. Or orange. Or azure.

Our ability to deploy contrariwise must rank amongst one of the most confusing, infuriating and draining manipulative techniques that we possess. Well, judging by your reactions when we wheel this out it is. In all honesty, it is used so often it may as well be a default setting. No matter what you say to us we will automatically adopt a contrary position even if that contrary position appears to you as untenable and that it flies in the face of logic. We will always find ways of undermining, denying and deflecting what you are saying to us, most particularly if you are trying to make us look bad, prove we are wrong or you are challenging us in some way. We cannot allow those things to happen. We have a number of standard phrases that we will use in furtherance of this ability.

“Why must you always exaggerate?”

“No, I have never done that.”

“You are over-reacting. Again.”

“I think you will find that you are being sensitive, I did not mean it the way you are interpreting it.”

“You always look at it the wrong way.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Your memory is playing tricks on you.”

“You/he/she/the world is making things up.”

“If you say so but you have got it wrong.”

“I never do that.”

“You always have to make a scene don’t you?”

Do any of these sound familiar to you? Our capacity to be presented with evidence of something and then in the next breath deny the existence of that evidence is staggering. We will reject what you say, deny we ever said anything (even though we actually said it just ten minutes ago) and twist our position so many times we appear to turn into a corkscrew.

Why do we do this? It serves three purposes. The first is because we are never wrong then we must never be shown to be wrong. You seem to have a fascination for trying to demonstrate to us that we are wrong about the things we say and do. That is a nonsense. We cannot be wrong and you must accept that. Our use of contrariwise enables us to ensure that we remain right and you remain wrong. It is entirely logical to us. If it is not so to you then that is your problem. You wanted to come into our world so now you must accept its rules. Do not try and argue that you did not agree to this. When you embraced our illusion you consented to this state of affairs. Do not try and deny that it is the case otherwise we will just have to provide you with some more contrariwise.

The second reason that we do this is that we have to have you in a state of confusion. This means that being a creature of order and logic you will try and make sense of our contrariwise which will merely serve to put your head in a spin. Furthermore, you cannot help yourself but want to show us that we are wrong. You cannot accept that we are unable to see the point that you are making. That is entirely the point. You are subjected to our rules now and logic, reason and sense rode out of town many moons ago. This confusion will leave you susceptible to our other manipulations and drain you of your resistance and resolve making it harder for you to escape our grip.

The third reason is down to our lifeblood, yes fuel. Your evident frustration, curses and desperation as you try to make us see that we are wrong provides us with delicious dollops of fuel. You tear your hair out, repeat yourself, raise your voice and collapse sobbing in frustration. It is all good fuel to us. No matter if you argued the point with the forensic precision of a top barrister we would twist the words so they achieve what we want and not what you want. To borrow from Lewis Carrol’s fantastic writing I leave you with the words of humpty dumpty, who was clearly a pioneer of our kind.

“When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean.”



30 thoughts on “Contrariwise”

  1. This is probably one of the things that I hated most with my mom and my half sister. But I think my half sister was more talented with this because she was really smart. This is another brilliantly written article. And probably one of my favorites. I’m so happy that I found this blog.

  2. HG, which response injures the narc more; 1) silence and resolute disregard or 2) unemotional responses such as “is that so” or “ok”?

      1. How about unemotional sarcastic humor about their pretentiousness or status? If the sarcastic put down was really good does it wound them? I believe my husband has wounded my half sister with that a few times because she would lash out on me everytime my husband did it to her.

          1. Oops. I just realized that prior comment was supposed to be on another article. Sorry about that!

          2. Narc Angel,
            For a little while I went by “Challenge Fuel” as my name on here before making it “Fuel on the Shelf”. I am tempted to change it to something else but I have no ideas so I leave it as it is.

          3. FOTS, how bout Kiddo? Just kidding! I suggest:
            Not Settling (NS)
            Done With Narcs (DWN)
            I Deserve Better (IDB)

            Or, to keep your initials: Finally Out of The Shit

          4. MB….

            Kiddo?! Hahahahahaha! It is okay, that one made me laugh.

            I was also called “Kid”, “Darling Girl”, “My Child”, “Child of the Corn”, and Luna Lovegood (from the Harry Potter movies). I wish I was kidding here but I am not. And my original monikor was “Paloma” (it means dove). I still hurt over that one being put to bed.

            F O T S = Finally Over The Shit (not true as I am far from over it, but I can pretend)

            Finally off the Shelf? (Not for him but for myself? Well to set a goal anyway…)

            Fucking over the Sex? ~(A big cornerstone was him constantly changing his mind about that all the time).

            Full of the Sadness? – Accurate AF right now!

            Failing over the Struggle? – Another accurate one.

            Yeah I am overthinking this.

            I did like using the name “Challenge Fuel” though….

          5. NarcAngel
            Ha, ha! Great at sarcasm, huh? No surprise there! I took the opposite path. Probably in defiance. I’ve spent a lifetime working to be the opposite of my mother. 😝

          1. I used to CONSTANTLY challenge my MMRN Piano narc with sarcasm. CONSTANTLY. I would point out his contradictions and throw it back at him in the most polite sarcastical manner I could come up with. Either he would be silent or would say “I have nothing to say to that kiddo” and he would then usually withdraw.

          2. MB,
            I know he calls his wife “kiddo” too. Others beyond that? The fuck if I knew! Urggghh. It always IRKED me that he called me that. I am 5 1/2 years YOUNGER than he is!

          3. Re: the mid range thinking they “love” others and the “fuel getting stale”.

            This discussion just tripped something that Piano boy told me once.

            I asked him once “Do you love (IPPS’ Name)?”

            Him: “Yes. I love her. So much. But something is missing….”


  3. The early years were like this and I basically crumbled and just avoided conversation with him. He then sought fuel from my oldest daughter by provoking her after I essentially retreated. Its clear to me now what he was doing but at the time it was maddening. And of course he actually got more fuel ultimately because I was always interjecting on her behalf and taking up for her. It was just a confusing state of affairs. I would honest to goodness euthanize him if I could do it without going to prison. He’s just worthless and possesses no particular quality that someone else cannot easily fulfill on this earth.

  4. You document in excruciating detail the pain and insanity that you perpetrate on innocent human beings. People who are only trying to love and please you.

    You narcs destroy children, adults, elders, and more…. It is like reading about war crimes but there is no panel of judges to meet out retribution to you – yet.

  5. Yes this is my mother all over I know the frustration that comes with this very well
    This year I realised that it was a pointless exercise trying to reason with her and finally got her out of my life. I accept that I will always love her my love is unconditional even after everything she has done but my trust and respect are not and that is how I got out . For such a long time I was afraid that I would suffer guilt for not being there for her and regretting it if she died I could never fix her. This woman did unspeakable things to me and frankly criminal I never wanted to be like her I wasn’t her only victim but I was her favourite one the smallest crumbs of affection would be enough for me to take years of abuse from her and whom ever she cared to involve, then I went through years of trying to reason with her this behaviour was my normal and narcissists gravitate to me like bears to honey I have gone super now many times but it is a waste of time energy and emotion I really like who I am and I will never change in essentials there is no fear I haven’t faced and still have a unlimited capacity to love it hasn’t made me weak I am the strongest person I know having the ability to love and forgive unconditionally is a real strength even amongst empathetic people anger and resentment causes you pain sometimes the only real choice we have is to walk away or at the very least keep at arms length distance from
    Your blog is helpful mostly because it gives us clarity the one thing that you are definitely right about with me is that the entanglements I have with your kind are choices I have made to continue with your kind give us a false sense of purpose and thanks to your blog and honestly I no longer doubt myself by the way we all need fuel we just obtain it from nature it’s a pure fuel source that fills up your body mind and soul have a great day HG 🙏

  6. Ahhhh, my good friend Contrariwise!!! Thank you soooo much for reminding me of your presence!!

    So this is why one moment I’m being told “We are not having sex tonight, we are going to do the right thing and behave properly for once!!!”

    And then 10 minutes later a sex fort is being built out of pillows and blankets and it’s on?

    Can I call that Contrari-DICK-tion? (Too soon? 🤦🏻‍♀️)

    Oh and then it’s all * MY * fault because I wasn’t respectful of his decision! Which decision was that again?

    (Head wall)

    HG, this response is not intended to mock your writing. I am only being sarcastic because it helps me blow off steam since my brain is sputtering from confusion and anger. As always, your writing is perfectly accurate and eerily matches what is going on in my head. So thank you again, for not only delivering the awful truth but for getting under my skin while doing so.

  7. Finally, after 40 years and with the enlightenment from HG, I have learned to follow the egoless answer Eckhart Tolle speaks of. “Oh, is that so?” There is nothing more they can say. It is painstaking to not resort to my conditioning and respond to these contrariwise announcements! I have a tad of “have to be right” in me as well.
    I still slip up, often, but am now conditioning myself to recognize the payback if I respond with anything but, “Oh, is that so?” I swear, he goes away, unfueled, and sits and stews and comes up with another announcement, much more cleverly comprised, something he just knows is so twisted that I will have to respond. Dam! Got me to bite again.
    Comment turns to discussion, discussion turns to blame game, blame game turns to shouting and VOILA!! Cause to close the curtains to his room and initiate the silent game until I “bring home the bacon”
    I am catching myself more and more. No fuel, no fire.
    It used to upset me so and get me sad and out of balance for days. I am learning to be more narcissist I guess. If you learn to not care, not want the company, are okay with being just with oneself, it doesn’t hurt. (well not as much)

    1. Newby,

      Your last sentence is accurate. But I couldn’t accept any of that especially the pain of feeling like I meant and was “nothing.” We deserve better than that! Hope

  8. Yes! This article is so abundantly true! Sometimes he will instantly shoot back a contrary line with a smile which is cute, and makes me feel like we’re siblings and still kids. One time he explained to me that I was not looking at it right, he said, No, you don’t understand, that’s not how I’M looking at it, which was the wrong way but the only way he could justify his actions, I had to agree to disagree and concede to it. Or he’ll say, It’s just your imagination, at which point I’ll stomp my foot and say, No it isn’t. I definitely overflow with emotional responses! I feel like a kid around him.

    1. Ha MB and K. This one really makes me hate MRN – such a smug pos. If I saw him again, I would say fuck you asshole and punch him in the face, and I am not a violent person.

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