Showing Restraint






In some instances, the actions of our kind necessitate the obtaining of an injunction or a restraining order to address certain behaviours. Obtaining one is not always as straight forward as it might appear, though much depends on the type of narcissist that you are dealing with. You can often count on facing a counter-application which is designed to muddy the waters, intimidate you and/or be used as a bargaining chip in order to cause you to drop your own action. The fabrication of evidence in support of our own application can be expected. However, let us assume that you have succeeded in obtaining the injunction or restraining order and there has been no cross-application from us, will we obey the restraining order that you have secured?

Do not think that it is as simple matter of  us evaluating whether we should obey it or not. You must keep in mind that we are entitled to do as we please, when we want, where we want and with whomsoever we choose. This includes you, probably more than anybody. We operate from a position of assumed superiority and we do not recognise or respect any boundaries. The presence of a restraining order is regarded as a terrible and unjustified imposition on our capacity to do what must be done. In order to understand whether we will comply with it, you must understand how it fits into the narcissistic dynamic. This differs dependent on the type of narcissist your order is against.

The Lesser.  The Lesser Narcissist, although he has a lower control threshold, meaning his fury is more prone to erupt, he also has less energy and motivation to embark on a hoover. In such circumstances, whoever it is who has to serve the restraining order is likely to receive the initial backlash as the Lesser’s fury erupts on receipt of this criticism. The provision of such a shackle on his ability to do as he pleases amounts to a considerable criticism. Most process servers will serve the order without providing fuel. The same goes for the judge, if the narcissist has attended court to challenge the application. You can expect an immediate eruption in such circumstances and the Lesser will lash out at those in the vicinity.

Once this fury has abated, will he obey the order? The existence of the order acts to raise the bar rather high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. This makes the prospect of successfully extracting fuel harder and therefore even if there is a Hoover Trigger, the existence of the order means that the criteria is far less likely to be met, you will be left alone and the order will be obeyed. Note how it is not the order per se that causes compliance, but its effects on the Hoover Execution Criteria. That is why it is necessary to understand how a restraining order fits into the narcissistic dynamic.

The circumstances where the Lesser is likely to break a restraining order are: –

  1. If you criticise him and ignite his fury, for instance if you contact the Lesser by telephone. The ignition of fury will mean he will have no regard for the order and come after you in order to seek fuel to deal with the wound you have caused. It may be the case that the Lesser is forbidden from coming near you, but you can still contact him if required (if indeed you actually wanted to); or
  2. You do something which lowers the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria. Thus if the Lesser happens to see you somewhere, perhaps by accident, the presentation of potential fuel in this manner means the criteria will be more readily met, a hoover will take place and the order will be broken.

The Lesser is not concerned with the downside of breaking the order.

The Mid-Range. The Mid-Range narcissist is of all the schools of narcissist most likely to obey the order. This is because his passive aggressive nature does not lend itself to contravening the order, combined with the raising of the HEC bar as described above. You should also note that he has an increased cognitive function so that he is well aware of the downside of contravening the order and the consequent effect on his liberty which will thus in turn hamper his fuel gathering capabilities. If the Mid-Range is going to breach the order, he will do so by utilizing a proxy to approach you on his behalf. This will not be done in any aggressive way, but rather as a pity play beseeching you to stop this unnecessary action and “can we not just talk to one another like reasonable people”. This is a ploy through a third party to cause you to lower your guard so a hoover can be effected and without any consequence. If you agree, the hoover will not be malign, he will seek positive fuel in order to build a bridge to keep coming back for more.

The Greater.  The HEC bar is raised but the Greater has greater energy and cunning to address this adjustment. He also has a greater sense of entitlement. The Greater is well aware how the downside of contravening such an order will have against him. He will know it will impact on his capabilities for gathering fuel and also damage the façade. He is however driven and regards the appearance of such an order as a challenge for him to flex his cunning and manipulative muscles. The Greater will not be able to resist the opportunity for game-playing but will do so in a manner which minimises risk to him. He will have the arrogance to assume he will not be caught, but lack the stupidity to blindly contravene it. Instead, he will utilize all manner of tactics to breach the order but through others with no link to him, he will rely on plausible deniability and the threat of breaching it, to cause consternation on the part of the victim. The Greater will not want to suffer the downside, he is wary of this, he does not want his standing to be affected by it and the effect it will have on his carefully constructed façade, but the temptation of the fuel and the desire to win, by outsmarting the order will usually prove too great. If there is a trigger and the HEC is met, the Greater will hoover but will do so in a clever manner. There will be no crass and blunt weapon involved. He will aim to breach it, but through clever manipulation, the use of others and the complete avoidance of repercussions for him.

13 thoughts on “Showing Restraint

  1. Kensey says:

    NarcAngel – Thank you!!!
    Yes I found this site a year before I left & went NC.
    Until I started reading, I had no idea what I was experiencing.
    It saved me. Honestly. HG & all the souls that share on here. TY!

  2. tigerchelle78 says:

    My husband has threatened my narcy friend with a restraining order twice now! But he just ignores his threats. If he wants to contact me, he has made any number of email accounts, or pseudonym names on different accounts to contact me. He will find a way.
    My father uses pseudonym’s for just about everything. I’ve seen him pretend to be all sorts of people trying to get information from others. I’ve seen him pretend to be a female and send pics and even seduce a male, for information. And the other way around. They do whatever is necessary and don’t feel bad about it.

  3. Kensey says:

    My ex lesser spent a thousand dollars on a last minute plane ticket
    so he could turn up on my flight. It so caught me off guard (8 months no contact) as he stuck his face in mine at the gate area…I was going through all the HG Narc files in my head…WTF do I do…does RO apply here…if I yell or make a scene, then I’m the crazy one.
    Fuel was literally in the air.

    It’s war.
    Go to Narc warrior school.
    They know how get around RO
    I think my lesser looks at it this way..the world is so very cruel..
    he is such a victim..if he does get in trouble or locked up its YOUR fault
    not his. So bring it.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      How did you handle it?

      1. Kensey says:

        Hi NarcAngel… I was actually flying back to CA for the property settlement with him…me deed sign off, him pay me. Post my escape from him.No contact for 8 mo. Handling everything thru my CA lawyer. In hindsight,he thought he could love bomb me to come back.
        I had prepared to SEE him at the deed transfer but NOT at an airport in another state. He tried to hand me a note ..I let it fall to floor, walked away. He kept following me,I miss you, I still love you,etc. I changed the subject. Asked how his granddaughter was..that worked. Of course the bragging was all about HIM. So I felt , score one for me, I have learned how to protect myself. He shadowed me boarding. He sent me a wine..I refused. But he walked back to my seat (control, public bravado) & shoved it at me ..said here I Pd for this! Everyone around prob thought I was an ungrateful bitch. Shadowed me getting down to luggage /pick up area. Kept asking where I was going..I could Uber with fact could go home with was my house too after all. I finally turned to him & said my lawyer is picking me up, she is rounding the circle. You better step away from me or she won’t like it. She may even punch you. He stuck the note in my pocket & he recoiled …just enough so he could see if I was bluffing. Lawyer pulled up & we sped away. Course my lawyer was in shock, pissed..She’s a bulldog. She would have punched him. The signing was 24 hrs away. He did succeed in slamming me back to that terror/ punishment place he loved to do. Worry that he would not sign & I felt as if the past 8 months of NC was compromised.
        The note, I threw it in the bin. Never read it.
        The deed transfer? Done. He showed up but he HID in another room!

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Good for you in getting through that, and thank you for sharing your experience. Demonstrates that while difficult, one should not be deterred. It can be done when you properly prepare (reading and/or consultation here is best) and determination. Kudos.

      2. Caroline R says:

        Thanks for sharing, I feel inspired by your courage. In your situation anyone would be hard pressed not to feel intimidated.

  4. WriteItOut says:

    I wish I had thought of a restraining order or an injunction to keep her from continuing to post on social media about my husband. I’d have done it for the sheer annoyance factor because she’d have been enraged.

    I did talk to a detective once when she texted me a particularly egregious photo of him. She was behaving so outrageously back then, and had already been arrested after a previous breakup with some guy who escaped her for criminal mischief. She almost had a police detective come by her office for a chat. Silly bitch.

  5. Anne says:

    I’m curious about what do you feel with the signs of affection: a hugg, a kiss, when someone want yo have sex with you and touch you with passion… Do you feel nothing? Do you obtain fuel and pleasure? Only fuel? How do you feel the excitement? And when you are giving pleasure, do you obtain fuel seeing the other person having it? Just too curious

    1. NarcAngel says:

      You should read Sex and the Narcissist. Eye opening.

      1. Anne says:

        Thank you

    2. ---zzzzzzzzzz says:

      Its what u feel..thats what they become

    3. mommypino says:

      Anne, this is totallt unrelated but I’m just curious about your gravatar picture. Is it a picture feom the Philippines or Thailand?

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