Own

own

I want to own you.

I want to draw you into my world. A world where my rules are the only rules that matter. When I first set eyes on you I make it my business to ascertain your suitability for ownership. You might only be owned in the sense of being a tertiary source which I interact with the once, but in that moment, I own you and I own the fuel that flows from you.

I wish to brand you as my property. My appliance. My plaything. I own you and this means that nobody else does. I have exclusive rights.

I may designate you the role of secondary source, should you make the grade and you become mine, subject to the unwritten contract that governs you and I. You are to be loyal, obedient, compliant and a provider of fuel.

If you are to be my primary source, that coveted position of supplier-in-chief of the most precious and desired fuel then you also must be owned. You must be subjected to my total and hegemonic control. Once I decide that you are the one, I will not stop. Once that light has turned green, once the first tantalising drops of your fuel have begun to be sucked up by me, there is no hope for anything else.

You must be mine. I must own you.

You at first think that I look on you with love-lorn eyes. Indeed I do as I turn my precious orbs into the mirrors which give you what you want to see. Behind their silvery gaze, my machined machinations are forming. I am absorbing how you smile, how your wrinkle your nose, how you play with your hair on the left hand side of your head, never the right. I listen to the way you say ‘scone’ – do you say it so it rhymes with tone or with gone? Every word that will come from your mouth will belong to me. I want to know everything about you. Every facet of your life must now belong to me. When my hand touches you and you feel that jolt of electricity between you and me, that is my connection with you as I begin to download your life.

It is true that I have already screened you, probed your life from a distance, made enquiries and observed before launching my take-over bid. I have done my homework but now I want to dominate, conquer and subsume. I must envelop you in my world for then I can be sure that you will respond as I require. Loyal, reliable and functional.

Steadily I drain your identity from you, consuming it for my own use. This is part of the process of owning you. I know no boundaries, I see no limits, I recognise no restraint. I have decided that you are to belong to me and thus this is what must happen with the steady and incremental accumulation of what you are. I am plugged into you, the ultimate parasite which sucks the life from you. Your money becomes my money, your house becomes my house, your friends become my appliances. There is no real me. There is no substance and thus I must steal what you are in order to give the appearance of substance.

The only way I understand to do this is to own you. Make you part of the fabricated world that I have woven. This dazzling fiction fools so readily and as I part the curtain and beckon you in to my wonder land, you accept and once inside you become mine. The real world is left behind. The real world of rules, standards, procedures and fairness is no longer applicable to you. I own you now and as a consequence you are subject to my capricious nature, the arbitrary application of my diktats and pronouncements. None of it will make any sense to you when you start to realise what it happening but it will be too late by then. Your assimilation into me will be so far gone that you may just well scream and the only voice you will hear will be mine.

My ownership means I tell you who to speak to and who to ignore. My ownership means that dress is wrong and that one is right until it is the other way around. Yesterday is tomorrow which becomes today. You think Josef K endured the Kafkaesque nightmare of nothing making sense? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

I must control everything. My space, time and the environment around you. This is why to you I seem to operate as if I have no concept of time, but that is because I do not operate to Greenwich Mean Time but rather Being Mean Time. I compartmentalise, shifting between worlds which must never connect, where the players and actors inside of them move to my direction. They dance to the tune that my invisible piper plays. I must not leave anything to chance. I do not like chance. It is the ruin of me. I want predictable and eventually you will come to realise that there are few who are as predictable as my kind. We bring excitement, we bring chaos, we bring drama but it is all so predictable. The same manipulations, just variations on a theme. Some of us have more strings to our dark cupid’s bow, but the poisoned arrows we fire all have the same effects. Control and fuel.

It is only by ensuring that we own you that we can be assured and convinced that you will do as we want you to, that you will not be disloyal or a traitor to us. We must plug you in to us and like some giant leech suck the very essence from you, taking your fuel, your confidence, your self-worth, your self-esteem and stripping you of them to ensure there is compliance and obedience.

I want to own so that I know I will win. I want to own you so I can exist.

I want to own you so that everything you do is as consequence of my decisions and my actions which ensure you provide me with my lifeblood whenever I demand it. You are on call and on demand, my primary source of salvation, the reason for my existence and I dare not allow the slightest chink of autonomy for fear of losing that control.

I want to own you to underline my superiority. I want to own you to remind myself that I am powerful. I want to own you so that it is repeatedly highlighted that I am the controller.

I want to own you to stop being the slave that I am.

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35 thoughts on “Own”

  1. “When my hand touches you and you feel that jolt of electricity between you and me, that is my connection with you as I begin to download your life.”

    I felt this jolt of electricity. I still do when he is a narcissist trying to seduce me. It is quite impressive A normal male doesn’t have this type of magnetism.

  2. “I want to own you to stop being the slave that I am.” – HG Tudor

    This line is beautiful, actually. It is fragile, yet bold. It speaks volumes. It screams of intense desire while whispering desperate need. This insecurity summaries so much of the empathic/narcissistic relationship… for all of us.

    Sometimes I get so caught up in the reader’s comments that I take for granted how talented you are at delivering the message. So today, I want to take a moment to say thank you. Your gift is much respected and appreciated, HG.

    Thank you for your ability to delivery poetic wisdom.

    1. Thank you for your ability to deliver* poetic wisdom.

      Do you wanna see an empath spew narcissistic rage onto auto-correct? Beware: It won’t be pretty.

      1. Summarizes*
        Readers’*
        I know what’s happening to me… It’s the time when I was being critical of the grammar of one of the fellows who has been texting me, but when doing so, I couldn’t even spell grammar correctly.

        Why is it every time WE get all cocky, karma jumps up and kicks US in the rump? Not fair.

      1. I especially love the poetic expression “You play ball with me; I play ball with you”, that so often drips off those finely sculptured curves of those amazing lips of yours.

  3. “There is no real me. There is no substance and thus I must steal what you are in order to give the appearance of substance.”

    I don’t understand this. What if you’re a doctor? You’re not substantial? You need to steal?

      1. What if the narcissist is a doctor, a good one at that? Isn’t that real and substantive in itself? Why does he need to steal from lowly me or from anybody?

        Oh…perhaps being the doctor is in itself an act?

    1. Doctors are often narcissistic especially the good ones their inflated egos are made worse by the title , they have a god complex ie: the control over life and death
      They are already in a position of control as we generally look up to them so our venerablity is easy for them to access without much effort at all so all the more dangerous if you get into their web
      Mostly they go for positive fuel and are incredibly charming unless for one reason or another you stand out to them then you are at a real risk of being hurt and the smear campaign is even harder because all the people around are either highly intimidated or in ore of him/her but either way under their control

      1. Thank you, Veronique. I think I get it now.

        Whether consciously or unconsciously, he chose to be a doctor because he lacked substance, because being in the role of physician, especially in a hospital, is the ultimate opportunity to steal from others.

        “Our vulnerability is easy for them to access without much effort.” Ah, yes. Infinite fuel supply!

        Also, being a doctor narcissist is even better than being a rock star narcissist because the former gets to be seen as “doing good.”

      2. Hi Lisk,
        You can view a doctor in the medical field another way too, I suppose. They clearly had the intelligence and resources to go to medical school. Not a small feat at all. By their work, in whatever specialty they chose, they are helping people, i.e. an oncologist is helping a patient fight to survive some kind of cancer. If they are not a Greater, than they are unaware anyways of their subconscious driving them for fuel. They will just appear driven, or that they do have a “God” complex. But it is bringing value to the world. It is just difficult and painful for the people living with them depending how narcissistic they are on the spectrum.

      3. I work with some doctors who are unmistakably narcissists. It does take skill to fly under their hateful radar, especially when you are the one in charge and they are raging over something simple. Trust me, the level of anxiety runs high those days. There is no alcohol enough after work… (laughing). They have bad bedside manners, hate shaking anyone’s hands to the point of simply ignoring the patient’s hand or washing the hand right in front of the patient.
        They see the disease process to be treated and not the patient. They are the ones who walk in the room, give bad news chewing gum or in a robotic, unemotional tone: “yes, it is cancer. You have 03 months at your best bet. Have a great day.”

        However, these doctors usually do better at emergencies. They keep the team in check, emotions contained, focus on the right things, , accuracy in procedures, and efficiency. They handle gore without drama, and make tough decisions logically and accurately. So… there is a positive to it in this scenario. I am not defending poor bed side manners and egocentrism. However, it goes without saying that during my code blues I have my favorite set of doctors who I like having in the team to direct the efforts.

      4. Thanks, Clarece.

        But I have a specific doctor in mind, and I would be most willing to expose him, even if that meant he could not save one more single soul.

        But such exposure would involve breaking No Contact and I’m not willing to do that.

        I have my own soul to save.

  4. “Being Mean Time vs Greenwich Mean Time”

    Thank you for the laugh in the middle of being owned

  5. HG I am still perplexed as to why you choose empaths , codependent and broken people or badly wounded people can be controlled , can be owned but an empath the nature of us is to be free anything else would suffocate us and we will always find a way to break free we have to granted once you’re in the heart and soul of an empath you’ll never be out of it But I Neisha that’s like caging a butterfly

    1. I think that I understand your view, Veronique. I also can’t stand to feel caged. Actually, I value my freedom immensely. Shamefully, I am basically a coward… and perhaps this just represents a typical American mindset… but I feel as if I’d fight to death (if needed) to protect my freedom.

      Yet, I let my narcissist take so much from me. It is as if the pull towards the narcissist is a very special dynamic…. so unique that unless one experiences it for him/herself… it’s just too daunting to absorb. Empaths, indeed, share many similarities with narcissists. I am not so sure that all narcissists realize the many ways in which we are the same.

      But the differences are stark, so I’ll often think that as strong as the draw towards one another… the separation must be just as intense. Because as you said, once in our hearts…

      I’m pretty open, in general. But I let very few cross into that special place. Once there, you’re stuck. Maybe it’s more a basic personality trait than empathic… I don’t know?

      I’m curious if you ever took one of those personality tests based on Jung/Briggs-Myers? I am apparently an ENFP. That probably paints me as a total Fruit Loop, but that was how my results panned out, at least years ago.

      I’m always curious to learn other’s views on the empathic/narcissistic personality traits, so thank you for sharing your thoughts.

      1. It was my empathic nature that gave the impulse to look for a way out of that dynamic. My co-dependent side surely fell as if I was going to die without him. I actually felt death closing on me. It was the single scariest feeling I ever experienced in my life. Everything went frozen. I felt like I was hitting against a concrete wall inside of myself. there was no way out. None. Then I felt my own self pushing me up and out of this cage. I had to breathe. I had to fly. I had to live. Funny thing… I never mentioned this to anyone before. In my mind at that time, clueless as I was to all this, I kept imagining that I would find someone with similar traits that the ex has… he would just be better, bigger, stronger, more powerful… and that he would “steal” me from my ex. I thought of that a lot. I even looked for it in other males… until
        I found HG. And yes. It did happen… not the way I was expecting, but I did find a better version of my narc, a greater version, a much note powerful version, and that’s HG. The knowledge I got here keeps me away from those familiar tentacles. I do know that I transferred a lot of my internal world to HG. That familiar energy. I am co-dependent and I have to anchor that aspect somehow. If I don’t, I will fall prey again. The empath side will fight. Like a lioness. But the co-dependent side wants to sink down…
        So… that is my way to cope as I go through this…

      2. Hi, Kathy….I do not know if this note will find you, but I can relate to what you shared. I was astonished at how hard I took the end (several ends) of my relationship with my narcissist… especially since I wasn’t much attracted to him in the first place. Actually, I was very attracted to his brain, just not drawn to him physically. (That came later, once he won me over. Then, I was amazed at how intense that became! They are so good at what they do! But how did I find myself lusting after a man I wasn’t even attracted to?)

        I was resistant to his advances, but the more I resisted, the harder he pursued. I think that’s what made it so painful when he revealed his other side. I truly couldn’t fathom that a fellow human would proclaim so ardently that another was “the one” and then suddenly treat that woman as if she’s dirt beneath his feet. ❔ Huh? What the hell just happened?!

        Upon our first meeting, I saw him as “a player,” and I could sense that he was trying to hide some sort of deep-down-damage, but my observation of such was actually what pulled me in… that damn “need” to help! Ugh! But like you implied, we all eventually get to the point where it’s time to help ourselves. We see that to be free from the pain requires an escape.

        Coming here helped me tremendously. When that pain was still raw, like you, I replaced my obsessive-passion with trying to learn more about this disorder. I was enthralled with HG’s gift of conveyance, and his readers pulled me in with their kindness and wisdom. I’m still eager to learn more.

        I’m hoping to learn from HG, in more depth, how the narcissist truly views the Golden Period? Is it mostly a carefully calculated ploy or is there genuine hope? I’m gathering from “feeling” HG’s excitement that the beginning feels very real to the narcissist… maybe even as golden as it appears for the empath?

        Still, we are well past our Golden Periods, Kathy… now left to deal with the aftermath. For a bit, I replaced my “addiction” with this site. I’ll be forever grateful for having a safe place to land to do just that. HG reminded me of my narcissist in so many ways… his humor; his haughtiness mixed with a down-to-earth appeal; his verbiage mixed with his simple, direct way of responding. The manner in how HG interacted with his readers reminded me so much of my narcissist that I truly first thought, “That son-of-a-bitch has done gone and started a website just to meet more women!” I truly believed, Kathy, that I had stumbled upon MY narcissist. “That incognito bastard!”
        Of course, once I heard that voice, I knew.

        Ironic, isn’t it? That the voice of someone with such a dark past was able to settle me in the ways that it has. I’m not sure why you or I had to experience this, Kathy, but we have… and we are learning, and we are growing, and we are free. Your survival instincts kicked in, and you made it out. Congratulations!

  6. HG, would you call yourself a misanthrop? Is it common for narcissists to see themselves this way? And would you tell the world (not here anonymously but in “real life”) that you are one?

    The mid-range narcissist I know calls himself a misanthrop and is quite proud of it. He says he hates people. He hates people, holidays, human-kind. Literally.

    I wonder why the narcisaist, esp mid ranger who really thinks he is a good person and want other people to like him would be proud of his misantrophy and spread it in public. Shouldn’t he hide this fact and present himself as someone who loves people as a part of his facade?

    1. I have no prejudices, I hate everyone equally.

      With regard to your example :-
      1. The person may not be a Mid Range Narcissist and therefore has no concerns with regard to a facade (lesser) or is unconcerned at the potential for damage to a facade (Greater) because he sees the benefit of provoking you with such comments to outweigh any potetial damage (plus he may well deny what he said if you try to repeat it elsewhere).
      2. If the person is a Mid Range Narcissist then the comments that are being made are
      a. Potentially being made when there is a loss of control and is the manifestation of fury, thus the facade cannot be preserved; or
      b. Is actually a form of Pity Play – “Feel bad for me that I hate so many people, help me end this hate.” and will no doubt be coupled with you thinking that he does not actully think that way or isn’t such a hateful person, thus when you say “No you don’t because x y or z” you provide fuel and also verification to the narcissist that he isn’t a hate-filled person but is actually the ‘good’ person he believes he is.

      1. Thank you for the explanation. He is mid range or upper mid range. And what you say makes sense.

        I think he uses his misanthropy as a pity play (oh, I actually do care, that’s why I hate people because they let me down so many times that I have lost all hope) and it underlines his grandiosity (I am better than all of you).

        Also he uses it as a form of manipulation and defense when you accuse him of being sociopath. I asked him once after series of abusive manipulation and silent treatments when he came back to me like nothing happened “Are you a sociopath?” He answeared: “No. I am a misanthrope. I told you that. As far as I know it’s not a big deal.”

        He plays the misanthropy card every time you accuse him of doing something wrong, being a bad person. Which doesn’t make any sense because what is the link between hating some abstract “mankind” and being abusive to his intimate partner? There is none.

    2. Sadgirl
      From his POV it makes perfect sense, he plays the misanthropy card to deflect and blame shift at the same time (oh, I actually do care, that’s why I hate people because they let me down so many times that I have lost all hope).

      When you point out his abusive behaviour then he deflects, minimizes and blame shifts all at once by stating:

      No. I am a misanthrope. I told you that. As far as I know it’s not a big deal.”

  7. HG, i don’t understand that last sentence ? Meaning you are a slave to fuel?
    That doesn’t make sense to me though because they get bored with that fuel and want a new one ?
    My ex said to me that he didn’t want a relationship but he didn’t want anyone else to have me ? Is that owning ?

    1. lisa
      Yes, you are owned. Your ex-boyfriend’s statement indicates that the formal relationship (FR) is over but he still maintains his ownership over you because, in his mind, the narcissistic relationship is forever.

  8. This was a good one

    But I learned how to compartmentalise my inner self so that only pieces of me could be attacked at a time

    1. After what happened to me, I now compartmentalise people. I compartmentalise myself, my emotions, my feelings. I hold back a lot of myself. I know I am still vulnerable and I think I will always have to be alert. I know red flags can be hidden by a greater. I know I still can be read by them…

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