Never Again


I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.
By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Never Again”

  1. I struggle with this whole topic. I realized with my ex-husband he was a lesser and very damaged – and I had a good feeling it was because his mom abandoned his family when he was young because his father was a lesser, too. Double whammy, he had no chance. I left him and never felt bad about it because I knew I did not deserve the raging and ridiculous treatment he gave me. But a part of me always felt sad for him because like HD says, there is no fixing it. And it wasn’t even his fault :(. It’s no wonder narcissists try to control everything because they had no control when they were suffering trauma as children. They could not escape it even if they wanted. They suffered in silence. SO SAD. So years later I come in contact with the covert narcissist, although I did not know it at the time We engage in an intimate relationship for three years Some of his thinking and behavior was a lot like my ex-husband, but because he was covert, passive aggressive and quiet , I didn’t put the puzzle together quick enough This hurt me so much worse than the blatant torture my ex gave me. I was blind sided and that hurt MY ego. I’ve gone no contact and even though I realize I’m saving myself, I still feel sad for him. They just push you away because they don’t want to get hurt like they did when they were a child I believe that even the elite, high functioning great narcissist is exactly the same they’re just more pissed off. I guess what I’m trying to say is… Hate the sins but don’t hate the sinner. in my opinion, they don’t even know what they’re doing to their targets – on a deep, deep level. Crazy the damage we can do to our children who grow up to be such messed up adults. I forgive them both.

  2. ‘Never again will your life be the same after meeting us.’

    That’s right! I have never loved life or myself more than I do now.

    Thanks, narc, for showing me the dark, so that I could see the light.

  3. ‘Never again will your life be the same after meeting us’.
    Mr. Tudor, never was a truer word spoken. I know for sure that I am never going to be the same again. Oh, I will pick my broken self up and carry on with this life when he is no longer here, and I will still give help to those who need it because that is who I am. But for me personally, something has been lost……that almost child-like belief that love can cure all…….it’s kind of like when you’re a kid and you figure out that there is no Santa Claus [not that there ever really was a santa claus in my life but that’s a different story].
    I thought I had seen the dark side of life, but NOTHING can prepare you for the Narcissist. Life will never be the same again……..how true.

  4. That’s how I guess you like to imagine it, but it’s not like that for me…it has helped me to be more greatful for what I have, to value more the meaning of real love and commitment

    1. Right there with you again, butterfly. I’m being hoovered now and my temptation only arises out of boredom and sexual frustration. Even so, I know I can’t ever be intimate with him again, knowing what I know. Ours was no great love story or “golden period “, although I think my narc thinks I fell in love with him. Although I would have been open to love, he showed his true colors early on, so the reason I even continued with him was pure lust. He thinks now he can just pick right back up on that, but he’s wrong.
      You are right about being more grateful, and also more discerning, about real love and the bullshit little song and dance if the narc. I guess I’m lucky that mine didn’t even really try that hard!☺

Vent Your Spleen!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.