The Married Target


“Nuns and married women are equally unhappy,” so said Queen Christina of Sweden.

I have not (yet) targeted a nun although I would readily claim to have done so, since an entertaining tale would surely be attached to such an endeavour. It is a different story with regards to married women.

Our kind often target married women and men for the purposes of seducing them, causing them to engage in an affair with us and cause us to put asunder that matrimonial union.

Why do we target those who are married? Given that our kind generally prefer to be pushing on an open door when it comes to the question of seduction and the fact that we like to conserve energy, why we would pick a target which is already with somebody else? Not only are they with someone else but they are married, joined together by ceremony and therefore this coupling has become elevated to the ultimate statement of commitment and therefore ought to be regarded as unassailable.

  1. Entitlement. The world is ours and that includes all those within it. We want therefore we should get.
  2. Lack of boundary recognition Nothing is off limits to us. The institution of marriage is one we respect for the purpose of the facade but otherwise it means nothing to us ( The Narcissist and Marriage ).
  3. Lack of accountability. We might be labelled as a marriage spoiler and home wrecker but what do we care? It won’t be our fault because our narcissistic perspective automatically causes us to advance reasons as to why we have done nothing wrong – “He obviously wasn’t happy otherwise why he did he leave?”
  4. Triangulation. A favoured manipulation of ours which allows for contrast, the creation of drama, pitting parties against one another and of course two fuel streams.
  5. Magical thinking. This includes the triangulation and lack of accountability as we regard ourselves as actually doing a good thing. We are the White Knight riding in to rescue the damsel in distress or the Angelic Soul tending to the downtrodden man. As is often the case we will portray ourselves as the rescuer – at least to begin with.
  6. Omnipotence. Seducing someone single, anybody we choose and of course succeeding, shows how effective we are. Steal that person away from a partner, our power is even greater. Pluck them from a marriage? How mighty are we to be able to do that?
  7. Malice. The cuckolded individual might be someone who has mortally offended us and by stealing something so precious as their spouse, then that allows the delivery of sweet revenge on this transgressor.
  8. Confirmation of empathic traits. A married person is clearly a love devotee. They will be honest and decent because they agreed to this statement of commitment. They subscribe to the institution of marriage which will indicate a good moral compass. They will be caring since they have agreed to be with another in this environment and that means they will share resources, tend for that person when upset or ill and so forth.
  9. Confirmation of residual benefits. It is highly likely that this individual, being part of a domestic set-up will engage in earning a wage, DIY, cooking, cleaning, tending for the other person and similar tasks which tells those of our kind who prioritise those matters that these are residual benefits which are ready to be conveyed on us. There may even be property and financial advantages to sequestrate post divorce.
  10. Fuel. By turning the head of this dazzling exotic creature which is locked in a gilded cage, he or she will be grateful, joyous and ecstatic to be freed and of course the recipient of all this positive fuel will be us, the glorious rescuer. Throw in the negative fuel of the bested spurned spouse and it is a fuel frenzy.

Accordingly, the fact that somebody is married signals to us that there are many benefits and our mind set sees this individual as an entirely viable target.

However, might there be concerns also? I am sure various questions have already formed in your mind as to why we might not regard a married person as a viable target. This may include.

  1. Why choose someone who is already with somebody else? Surely that requires more effort to lure them away?
  2. Is it not the case that Lesser and Mid-Ranger Narcissists are more likely to be deterred from hoovering when their former Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) have a new parter post escape/dis-engagement? Does this not apply when seeking a target?
  3. Are we not concerned about reprisals from the target’s spouse, family and friends?
  4. Are we not concerned our facade may be damaged by such behaviour which society generally frowns on?
  5. Would we not be perturbed that if this person can be stolen away from another that that means they will do the same to us at some point?
  6. If someone is willing to cheat on their partner, are they as empathic as we want them to be?

Fair questions. Taking them in turn.

  1. Yes, it will require more effort but our sense of entitlement, unshakeable belief in our brilliance and moreover the rewards that await us mean this effort is worthwhile. Keep in mind that as we are targeting this person we will usually be devaluing our own IPPS an therefore there is plenty of negative fuel to hand to power the seduction of this newly acquired target. We are not in any rush to secure them (our IPPS is not looking to escape and the conditions for dis-engagement have not yet been met).
  2. That consideration is certainly applicable when applied to the Follow-Up Hoover but this is a Seduction Hoover and therefore the condition and context are entirely different. The fear of rejection is not one which is looming large.
  3. No. Our belief in our superiority pushes such a concern to one side. The Lesser will resort to physical violence if necessary. The Mid-Ranger will use this unwarranted (in his or her mind) attack to prove that he or she deserves pity and praise for doing the right thing in trying to set the poor spouse free from their “abusive tyrant”. The Greater will charm his way out of trouble or threaten his own far worse repercussions if anybody tries to get clever.
  4. This is a concern however it is overridden because whatever (unmerited) criticism may come our way for interfering in a marriage, we convince ourselves that it is justified and for the ‘greater good’. This person is unhappy, bored, abused and we are getting them out of there and if you were a real friend you would understand that and help me! (May as well manipulate the disapproving secondary source as well).
  5. Ha ha! Of course not, why on earth would they ever leave us after everything we have done for them? Don’t be stupid.
  6. This is an interesting question and one which merits its own article as to why do empathic people cheat? Suffice to state for the purposes of this piece, we regard their desire to cheat as a necessary ‘evil’ to escape the situation they are in/get to a better place with us and this is a temporary behaviour which will not affect their overall empathic nature.

Accordingly, with motivating factors in place and any potential concerns either not applicable or easily addressed, we commence our pursuit.

Why do we consider that this married target will succumb to our seduction? Leaving aside our belief in our irresistible qualities, our brilliance and magnetism there are a number of reasons why we see it as likely that these people will fall under our spell.

  1. The married targets we lock on to are of course of similar make-up to our targets who are single. Namely they have the relevant empathic, class and special traits as explained in  Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You . Moreover the people we target are susceptible to being drawn to our kind. They have an inherent vulnerability to our kind and being married does not mean this vulnerability has vanished.
  2. The married target may already be with one of our kind. Thus, whilst the Lesser and Mid-Range will not recognise this, they will instinctively have identified a person who is susceptible to them also AND will invariably be devalued (or is being devalued) and therefore allows the incoming narcissist to play the role of rescuer. It is the case that our kind will steal empaths from one another. The Greater Narcissist will of course recognise one of the brethren and use this to his advantage in spiriting away the empathic married target.
  3. The married target might actually be one of our kind and the Lesser and Mid-Range have not spotted one another. The married target is of course absolutely game for infidelity and whilst the outcome will be the relevant conclusion of a romantic collision between the relevant school of narcissist, the fact that the married target is a narcissist means that the coupling is going to occur.
  4. We see how people’s lives become humdrum and monotonous. We do not recognise the deep-seated bond between two people because we are incapable of attachment ourselves. We do not pay heed to  the stability that some relationships acquire through the passage of time. What we see instead is someone who must be bored with the same routine (because of course we become bored easily and therefore judge others in a similar vein) but our magical thinking means they cannot possibly become bored with us. Whilst we may not play the abuse card, we still see this person as stuck in a rut, fed-up, in need of spice and adventure and of course as the dazzling whirlwind that we are, we arrive and provide that all. Who could fail to be excited by such a marvellous array of glitter, gold and garnish?
  5. People always have something to complain about with regard to their spouse. He isn’t romantic any more, she has let herself go, we never do anything together, she just wants to watch television, he won’t show any interest in what I do, he insists on going fishing every weekend, he snores and it drives me nuts and so on. Whether it is significant or trivial, we will count on these facts and uncover them and use them to our advantage. We will heighten our attractiveness based on this (for instance asking you all about your interest in 18th century literature) and denigrate the spouse’s unattractive trait (i wouldn’t go fishing if I could go to the theatre with you instead). Of course this is just part of the lying and mirroring that we do.
  6. Our split thinking will automatically paint your spouse as the villain of the piece. His concern about where you are is painted as him trying to control you. His friendly demeanour with other women is evidence of his flirtatious nature. Our insidious techniques drip feed dissent and play with your mind. We dangle the golden carrot in one hand and pump toxic lies over your spouse with the other, looking to steadily tip the scales in our favour.
  7. We will readily invent tales of your spouse’s supposed misdemeanours and/or manufacture them. A Lieutenant will be sent to flirt with your husband and we will provide you with footage to show their entanglement (of course we remove the part where your husband actually shows he is faithful and he tells her to leave him alone). Another Lieutenant will be sent to get your wife drunk or slip drugs into her handbag for you to find later, ramping up our suggestions that she is selfish and tripping the light fantastic whilst you stay at home looking after the children. Why are you putting up with that when you could leave and be with someone who really appreciates you?
  8. Everybody has their price. Nobody is immune and above being manipulated into a position whereby they are seduced by us. Yes, some may take longer than others, but combine the target’s susceptibility, the fact they may be in a difficult relationship, the fact they may be bored or lonely, the fact we are exciting and invigorating, the fact we will manipulate the battlefield so it is always in our favour and you have a situation where it is impossible for someone to resist us. We will secure our married target. Ultimately, if there are those who are impervious to our overtures, we won’t target them to begin with.

The dynamic of the married target and the narcissist also has to be addressed. We may see a ring on a finger of a person in a bar and opt to make them an Intimate Partner Tertiary Source by sleeping with them that night before they slink away to their spouse. We may never bother with them again, but fuel has been obtained, Thought Fuel gained thinking of the unseen spouse wondering where their wife or husband is and the ratification of our power achieved.

More often the married target becomes a Non Intimate Secondary Source. We worm our way in as a wonderful friend, but this is a mere staging post as we hurtle towards bedding them and making them an Intimate Partner Secondary Source. They may be a Dirty Little Secret, a colleague who we rut in the empty offices at work or who scurries away from their spouse under the pretence of attending the gym before meeting is in the back of our car in a shadowy car park. We may have no pressing need to make them our IPPS and therefore we are content to utilise that person as a Shelf IPSS, organising a night away together when he pretends he is on a business trip, or calling in to work on the basis of being unwell, to spend an afternoon together. We may bring you into our world, letting you meet friends and family, seeing you intermittently, content to show you our enticing world and then place you on the shelf, leaving you longing for more, pining for us at weekends when you must be with your family and we are engaging with our own IPPS or a different IPSS.

We may hit the motherlode and realise you ought to be our IPPS and as our Candidate IPSS we go all out to smear your spouse, entice you and roll out all our dazzling illusions to show you that you need to leave him, be free and be yourself but with us. We will coax, cajole and entice, showing you the forbidden fruits and the liberation that awaits you at our supposedly benevolent rescuing hand. The more we smear your innocent spouse and the more we shower you with the love-bombing, your resistance will erode. Your emotional thinking will subsume your cool, hard logic as you become swept up in the moment and your emotional thinking cons you as it whispers to you

“You have been a wife and a mother for twenty years, never complaining, it is time you started living.”

“She just isn’t interested in sex anymore and you have needs, here is someone who makes you feel alive again.”

“She just takes you for granted. Here is someone who values you.”

“Yes he will be hurt if you leave but he will get over it. You deserve to be happy don’t you?”

Oh the excuses will come pouring and of course we will not dissuade you from thinking in this way. We will say and do whatever is needed to get what we want. Charming you and painting your spouse as evil, awful and selfish.

The simple fact is that all people are targets. Married targets are often even better targets.


26 thoughts on “The Married Target

  1. cb says:

    Irina & Lady Gaga, I guess, represents this dynamic (competition between two narcs) with the target empath Bradley inbetween.
    Even though he wasn’t married, they have a small child together, rather off limits

    1. cb says:

      Oh, but I was apparently wrong? According to your old comments, HG, I see now that Bradley is the narc?
      Hm, why did I get the feeling those ladies were Ns

      1. cb says:

        Well, guessing this Irina-Gaga-Bradley was a PR stunt triangle of three narcissists.

        Haven t seen this phenomenon before.

  2. alexissmith2016 says:

    awwww that really made me laugh! so accurate though!

  3. Joanne says:

    Nov 26, 2018
    I am a married target. I believe I’m in the devalue or discard phase now. I was swept away by his charm, now here I am, lost in a whirlwind of confusion. I won’t run after him, I can’t, after all. So I will suffer without him and accept the pain that I deserve for being unfaithful.
    – – – – – – – – – –
    I have come so far since the first time I read this article in November of last year. I remember posting my feelings ^ and was shocked by the kind and supportive comments I received in reply. I was ready to be judged and attacked but I was embraced and comforted. Thank you HG for your work, for this community. I am so grateful. Reading this today, I can say I have healed and reached a level of true understanding of what I experienced. Frustratingly, it still lingers in my mind and heart but at least I can look at it through a clear lens now.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome and well done.

  4. Chihuahuamum says:

    My narc has admitted to having a fetish for an “affair”. Even during intimate moments he’s wanted to act out an affair situation. I do think its bc he feels he must be something special to have enticed a married woman. In actuality it wasnt him it was the situation of a marriage gone wrong. I told him from the beginning that im not the cheating type and there were reasons why i would look at another man let alone be involved.
    I also think hes afraid of committment bc he knows theres a good chance of failure. Living with someone 24/7 you have to be yourself and he knows a woman wouldnt put up with him. He enjoys his freedom as a single man and being in his early 60s is very set in his ways. Having a married woman/women affords him his lifestyle and still have a longterm fuel source without sacrificing his way of life.
    My narc has never had any kind of resentment towards my hubby or felt insecure. He does feel smug that hes secured a longterm affair and possibly feels superior in some regard but hes not been in a marriage and has no inkling how much work it takes and the struggles that can arise.

    1. Joanne says:

      That makes a lot of sense. Do/did you enjoy a prolonged Golden Period because of this?

      Mine seemed very smug and special too, for having lured me away from my wedding vows. He also never showed any jealousy or resentment toward my husband. He once asked me what I was missing in my marriage and all I could list was that I felt a “disconnect” at the time. He asked if he was the cause of that disconnect, and when I said no he seemed genuinely disappointed!

      1. foolme1time says:

        Joanne just last I realized a very old friend , who I thought was an empath was surely not! I never seen it. He to showed no jealousy or resentment, he also felt no guilt, the guilt consumed me! Until I read your comment I also didn’t realize the night I ended it he the only emotion he showed was disappointment. Once again HG and the people on here have opened my eyes to what it really was. I remember the comment you wrote that November and the bravery it took for you to write it! I never felt anything for you except hurt and understanding. I am so happy you have been able to find the knowledge that you needed to heal. 😘

        1. Joanne says:

          HG, what is the story with narcs that can fool you into thinking they are empaths? I have just uncovered one, whom I’ve always known is toxic, yet she appeared to be an empath or at least a HSP. How are they able to disguise themselves that way?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Mimicry, the narcissistic perspective causing them to regard themselves as the victim – see Angels With Dirty Faces.

          2. Joanne says:

            ah – right, the victim. I will revisit Angels with Dirty Faces shortly!

  5. UpInFlames says:

    Hi HG,
    What if the narcissit had nothing to rescue in the married target? She was happy to oblige in the affair to fuel a sex addiction, she was indeed happily married and the narc knew this… is it right to say the narc would then just be fueled by his attempts to one up her husband and potentially sabotage the marriage with envy as his driving force?


    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is no such thing as sex addiction, it is a manifestation of narcissism.

      The fuel would come from the target and cuckolded husband from their reactions with some Thought Fuel caused by the imagined response of the husband to being cuckolded.

      1. DesertRose says:

        So all sex/porn addicts are narcissists?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is no such thing as a sex/porn addiction, it is a manifestation of the behaviours of certain narcissists.

      2. Claire says:

        No such thing? But aren’t there people that are just really messed up and have no boundaries looking for a quick fix through sex that isn’t fuel oriented?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I think you will find that person would be a narcissist.

          1. Claire says:

            Interesting. I just can’t believe how defining all these behaviors are and how it casts such a wide net.

          2. ANK says:

            So all those celebs who have admitted to sex addiction
            are narcissists. Some of them I can see definitely are narcissists.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            They might be mistaken as to the admission so I would not want to advocate an assessment without relevant information on each individual definitely being a narcissist, but the admission/claim of being a sex addict is an indicator.

            In effect it is a subtle form of blameshifting – ‘It is not my fault that I have no boundary recognition, a huge sense of entitlement and no emotional empathy for those who are affected by my rampaging desire to have sexual congress with people, whether they want to or not, regardless of how my wife and children feel about it or that sheep in Carmarthen – my unassailable lack of accountability means that it was not me, it was my sex addiction. I am a victim too and with the help of this so-called sex addiction therapist Dr N. Arc, I will be grandiose and overcome this affliction and maintain my façade so I continue to bask in the adoration of my fans, the groundswell of pity and compassion for me (to which I am entitled) and then I will do it all again and say it was a relapse caused by, oh I don’t know, somebody else, because hey, it cannot be my fault, right? Now, who’s for the strippers?’

          4. Narc noob says:

            Beastiality even?!

          5. Claire says:

            Yuck! That is at least a depraved weirdo.

          6. Claire says:

            What about a porn addiction HG? No—I don’t have one. Curious if there is fuel from porn?

          7. HG Tudor says:

            See the Porn Supremacy and Sex and the Narcissist.

          8. Claire says:

            Good article.

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