Love Me, Hate Me, But Never Ignore Me


I want your love. I want your hate. I want your joy. I want your tears. I want every single emotional ounce that you possess and I want it directed at me. It is easy to understand why anybody would want to be loved because isn’t that what everybody only ever wants to have? To love and be loved. Of course it is. I only ever wanted to be loved and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried it was denied to me. Push yourself harder, go further, work harder and you can have it. I was promised that gain repeatedly and I complied. I strove and I toiled and I grafted. I studied, I obeyed, I trained, I ran and I ran fast, I jumped and I jumped higher than anyone else. I tackled, I shot, I pushed, I swam, I wrote, I complied, I answered, I read and I read. I did everything that was ever demanded of me. Does that sound familiar to you? Of course it is. You know what it is like to give your all and it still not be enough. You know what it feels like to keep trying until you feel like you have nothing left to give anymore. Why do you think that we are so effective in extracting that sensation from you? It is because my kind has been schooled in such a technique for so long that it becomes second nature.

Of course I was praised. I was encouraged. I was supported. I was pushed. I was told and instructed and ordered. The plaudits came but there was always the caveat.

“That is an excellent result, next time try for one hundred per cent.”

“Brilliant time but I know you can do it faster. You just need to try harder.”

“It is good but not as good as you can do. You are better than that.”

“Not bad but you will let me down if you do not get to the top of the class.”

Still, although it was conditional praise it was still praise nonetheless and this combined with my endeavours meant that I was never ignored. The achievements accumulated, the prizes were gathered and the accolades were acquired. Upwards, always upwards. Accordingly, your praise and admiration means so much to me. It was always the standard by which I was judged and so it is the same now. I crave the adulation and the passion, that is why I work so hard to cause you to give it to me. I want it, I want to be seen, I want to be recognised and that means I must receive your emotion sodden attention. It does not matter if you are shouting at me or begging me to stop, so long as it id directed towards me. This is why everything I do is calculated to provide a reaction.

When I am seducing you, you must never ignore me. I have too much invested in your acquisition to lose you to someone of something else. My bombardment of you with messages and attention is to draw you to me, but it is also to ensure that you do not venture somewhere else and I am denied your attention. This is why I will text you and if there is not a prompt response I will text you again, then again, then call you and then turn up at your house. I need to know you are responding to my seduction. I need to control you. There is too much at stake to allow you to ignore me.

Once devaluation begins then I need once more the emotionally charged attention that comes from you weeping, shouting and screaming. It never troubles me in the same way that it troubles you to be shouted at. I require it and all it does is make me feel powerful because I know that I can prompt these responses from you by virtue of my manipulations. I know by saying nothing that you will beg and plead with me to explain what is wrong, hang around me, eyes wide in confusion as you beseech me to tell you what you have done wrong.

I am not fussy about the emotions which you pour my way. Good or bad I will take them all. The bad do admittedly make me feel more powerful but the sweet potency of favourable responses and eyes glowing with admiration are most welcome too. That is one of the reasons I alternate back and forth, making you happy and joyful towards me and then full or woe and anger. The contrast reinforces my omnipotence because I am the puppetmaster. One moment I can make you laugh and then with a flick of the switch I have you in tears. That is power. That is control and this is what emphasises my greatness. Yes, I know you consider such behaviour wrong. I am well aware of that and do not be fooled by any pretence to the contrary. I am fully aware that such behaviour is considered, bad, wrong and evil, according to your values but you ought to know that this game is not being played according to your rules. It is played with mine and I always have to win.

Should you be treacherous and be the bad person that I always suspected you to be and ignore me, then I will provoke you all the more in order to gain my reaction. Few of you realise that this is the aim, at least, not until much later. You are unable to understand this sudden escalation, this switching because of the confusion that you are mired in. I am grateful that this is the case for when you ignore me I begin to crumble. The edifice that I have built up begins to crack, splinter and fracture and I must escape your betrayal and seek out the emotions of others in order to compensate for your seditious behaviour. If I cannot bring your love or hate to the fore, I cannot remain to be ignored, for that is my death sentence and I am not allowing you to sign that warrant. I must be loved for I am worthy of the most perfect love, I must be hated because my works are that of the devil and attract your furious ire. Always look my way, always give me your emotions and never turn your back on me. Do that and all will be well. At least, for me, but then, isn’t this all about me anyway?

13 thoughts on “Love Me, Hate Me, But Never Ignore Me

  1. Victoire says:

    “Should you be treacherous and be the bad person that I always suspected you to be….” Are narcs always looking for people to be as devious as they are? Once my narc drunkenly said to me in one of his unprovoked outbursts: (This was before I was aware of the spyware he had installed on my mobile..)”I’ve been looking for a reason to end this….” The phrase “Looking for a reason” stuck with me. He was always looking to find something wrong about me after the idealisation ended. He wanted a “Gotcha” moment. He had proudly told me about the “Gotcha” moments he had with his exes. Hindsight is 20/20. Sigh.

    1. Bekah B says:


      I can tell you from personal experience with my narcissist that this is very feasible.. Back in the days of just being friends with my children’s father (way before I could even fathom what a narcissist was), he once told me that he wished his then girlfriend would just up and sleep with some other guy so he would have the perfect reason to end their relationship.. I thought that was the strangest, afterthought type of statement coming from him at the time, but did not dwell on it too much after that.. After all, we were still so very young.. But now, more than six years later and after being involved with him myself and wholly realizing and accepting he suffers from this narcissistic personality disorder, I truly believe he is always looking for a reason to justify his actions, as they concern devaluing and discarding a person.. In my current situation, he has even speculated that a guy that was pursuing me last summer is the father of my unborn son.. I think if he believes in his mind that I was the one being dishonest, secretive, and deceptive, he feels better about his current actions and most notable absence now from our lives now.. It’s just projection.. I have to tell myself that every single day..

      1. Victoire says:

        Bekah, Sending you strength & resolve from afar. I am also newly in my NC. You know, I never thought about it the way you described it. My ex-Narc had these crazy stories about “catching” his exes cheating. The punishment he meted out for it was soul-killing, but I didn’t know about that until later. The thing is, he had spyware on my mobile and was reading my messages but I was always 100 percent loyal. So he looked for other ways to pick at me. He tried to shame me. I wonder if looking for a reason really is what you write- looking for a reason to justify his own lying, cheating, treason and disrespect. If I did something like cheating, he could write off his own behaviour. But I never did. However, he completely attacked my vulnerabilities and tried to humiliate me on social media when I escaped him. I still can’t get over that.

      2. Bekah. He sounds cowardly. And most highly concerned with his facade. And whiny. He will not go head-to-head. Mealy mouthed. He sounds like a mid range narcissist. They are very surreptitious and very sneaky. He would probably pay a gigolo to entice his woman, if he is not stingy about the money. To compromise her. Be careful. especially if you are married and he ever wants a divorce. Most courts and laws severely punish the woman`s entitlements if adultery is proved. Or, cruelty. Do not ever send him angry texts or things like that, and never hit him physically. Plus, they have magical thinking. I am still not exactly sure about all the ways they magically think. It is not good, though. But, remember, The courts are going against women more than they used to. The idea that women are madonnas is ending. Maybe the singer Madonna is not so helpful to us, by being an icon of the modern woman, after all.

  2. Bekah B says:

    I always like this post and read it in its entirety when I take that very deliberate and difficult step of ignoring the contact attempts of my children’s father.. It reminds me that ignoring is the ultimate weapon against the narcissist and everything they’ve worked so very hard to be recognized for (although deceptively) means absolutely nothing if I choose not to respond to them or acknowledge whatever they are doing.. I am 47 days strong and counting of straight ignoring my children’s father.. Let’s see how much further I can go..

    1. Joanne says:

      Have you had your baby?

      1. Bekah B says:

        Hey Joanne!! How are you? Thanks so much for asking, but I am still quite pregnant.. Lol.. I’m 30.5 weeks this week, so not too much longer to go.. My due date is July 15..

        1. Joanne says:

          Ok, you keep us updated! Hope you are feeling well!

  3. Veronique Jones says:

    Thanks again HDG I have read this article many times and have used it to ignoring them seems to really piss them off though you would think they get the hint when we start Ignoring our narcissist are usually over them

  4. Evelyn Baker says:

    Dear HG,
    I have been wondering why love-bombing and seduction works for narcissists but usually doesnt work for those considered the good guys. The good guys that are caring, attentive and honest may only get girls as friends. But when the narcissist displays the chasing of the girl, she responds. Why do we do women consider attentive men advances as needy or pathetic but not so with the narcissists love-bombing?
    Thank you,

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your emotional thinking prioritises the narcissist’s advances because of your innate addiction to narcissists. Curb the emotional thinking and the non-narcissist becomes far more attractive and their overtures would succeed.

  5. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    I wanted to ask you if you ever showed yourself as you really are without masks, without a facade when it comes to seduce? ever try to seduce without artifice, without mirroring the other person? If so, what was the result?
    Because one thing is to speculate or theorize about something and another thing is to verify a fact with the practice.
    You may refuse to be really loved because of your low self-esteem, because if you think about it, you were never really loved, it is just another magical thought because who we fall in love with is our own reflection projected in you when we reflect.
    And if this is so, they were never really loved by any of your victims.
    I never really try?
    For fear of being disappointed? a narcissistic heirloom?
    What does it matter or what does it matter to you to suffer a narcissistic wound? if at the end of the day you can get fuel to heal the supposed wound.
    I believe that the narcissist did “fall in love” or infatuation at some time in his life, and suffered a disappointment, shutting them down to never suffer this pain again. This had to be a great traumatic event for him, refusing to experience that pain again.
    The victims go through love, hatred and finally to find out by ignoring them. The most terrible thing of all, is that by controlling the emotional thought you will finally be forgotten. You only survive, in the victim’s mind as long as the victim continues to encourage and not control the emotional thought. By controlling this and time you will vanish like smoke. Isn’t this a great fear?
    You could answer the above questions that are really very interesting. At least for me.
    Because if you don’t show yourself as you are, how do you want to find your one love?

    1. J.G THE ONE says:

      I understand this can be limiting. Because of their lack of energy or their refusal to apply effort to perform these kinds of actions. For saving energy, and the way it is built.
      But I also think, that like the muscles of the body, if they are not exercised, they atrophy. The brain is malleable, so it can be changed and improved.
      Another thing much more comfortable is to say, this has no solution. I stay as I am, because it is much more comfortable.
      I know that there are many problems and limitations with the disorder, especially their energy needs, but being a narcissist and being aware of it, it is in his hand to change or at least improve.
      You are in treatment, to understand and improve and you have helped people.
      This makes me think that there is something at the bottom, something small to develop. You can say: I don’t do it to help. ajajajajaja. I do it to get things (attention, recognition and above all an economic plus) and those who do not like that.
      You have many strong points, you have a fantastic voice, you express yourself quite well, you look elegant and intelligent in the way you express yourself, I suppose you will be attractively “normal”. Your low self-esteem is in your mind, and you don’t look valuable enough. It’s like anorexia/bulimia disorder, you’re fine physically, but you look in the mirror and you look excessively fat or skinny.
      I don’t understand, it’s because I envy you, we all have limitations and deficiencies. In life, everything is ephemeral and circumstantial. Today you have it, tomorrow you don’t. I really believe that one loses a great experience by not even trying to experience being loved for what it is, without mirroring anyone and without hurting anyone.
      At least, it would take a real experience, of life. I think about his life and I see it so synthetic and artificial, so lacking in everything essential that it frustrates me a little.
      JAJJAJ, I see that the empathic healing traits come to the surface… Ay H.G what are we going to do? if each one in an extreme we are. This is so crazy, that although analyzed and rationalized to 100% it is so surrealistically painful…
      Maybe my questions and my comment are a Utopia, but it would be nice if it were real.
      And you will tell me, if it were real or possible we wouldn’t be here…

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