Hoover Risk : The Need For The Last Word

HOOVER RISK _ THE NEED FOR THE LAST

I often reinforce how the key to understanding who you have been entangled with and therefore maximising your own prospects of moving on is to comprehend that we operate from a different perspective from you. That is why so much of what we say and do appears odd, irrational and downright perverse to you, yet completely normal and understandable to us.

One of those ways in which the perspective affects the dynamic between my kind and your kind is the fact that we always want the final word. Now, of course, it may have occurred to you that since we regard the Narcissistic Relationship as one which lasts forever, how can there really be a last word? Once again, this does not matter to us and this highlights the contradictory nature of the way by which we behave. We are the ones in control and we must always exert that state of affairs. Therefore, within the Formal Relationship we want the last word in any discussion or argument. We want the last word when issuing our opinion about something. We want the last word when the Formal Relationship has been brought to conclusion. Indeed, even if you end the Formal Relationship and escape us we will still maintain that we had the last word and we ended it. We will skew the situation to maintain our control and sense of power, irrespective of what might actually have happened. This causes confusion, frustration and astonishment for you, which of course is all good fuel to us.

The need for the last word is also a device which is designed to set us on a collision course with your kind. You also want to have the last word. You want to be able to say your piece. You feel that it is only right that you are heard. You believe it to be a fundamental part of any relationship that you are heard and because you find yourself so annoyed, upset and frustrated with the way that we operate, this desire to have the last word, set us straight and assert your position becomes all the more important to you. If the Formal Relationship has ended, you also want to have the last say. You want to let us know what you really think of us. You want to make some last plea to the normalcy you believe still lurks somewhere inside of us. You want to make us hear you, listen and somehow accept that we are wrong and you are right. This desire of yours to say the last word is considerable and flies in the face of our own desire which of course leads to conflict, drama and opposition, all of which creates fuel which is what we want. You are left infuriated if you cannot have your say. You are furious if you have been denied the chance to articulate how you feel. You are upset that your desire to say what you want to say has been ignored, disregarded and treated in a roughshod manner. You want finality. You want some kind of closure and having the last say as we both stare at one another across the smoking ruins of our Formal Relationship is something which matters to you tremendously. We know this. This is why we make it so damn difficult for you to achieve, either talking over you, shouting you down, walking away or just disappearing. You feel cut-off, denied, unfulfilled and this gives us both Thought Fuel and Proximate Fuel if we stay to witness the reaction.

You are preoccupied with thinking about the injustice you have suffered at our hands. the sheer unfairness of what has happened, the need for restitution. You want us to know what we are. You want us to realise that we are bad, awful, horrible, an abuser. You want us to know how you feel. You want to say your piece, articulate your anger, your pain, your bewilderment. Your emotional thinking relishes this happening. If you are thinking about delivering any of the above, in person, through text or smoke signal. If you are discussing this need with a friend or therapist. If you are reading the latest piece of provocation that we have sent you, querying why you have behaved so abominably, criticising your past weekend behaviour with the children or demanding you repay us for some debt. Any and all of these matters will heighten your emotional thinking which will want to go one step further and make you engage with us either by confronting us in person, by ringing us up or firing off that venomous late night text volley.

Your emotional thinking will corrupt your empathic traits of fairness, honesty and decency. It will corrupt those narcissistic traits of pride and envy. Most of all however it will hone in on your empathic truth seeker trait in order to make you endeavour to deliver (your) truth to us in one last proclamation, a final declaration, that signing-off.

When that text arrives and finds you because your no contact regime is poor, it baits you and how many times have you failed to resist responding to this provocation. You have to set us straight, you have to put us right, you just cannot leave it be. Full of righteous indignation, bristling with anger, brimming with (your truth) you have to have that last word and you respond. You text. You email. You social media message. You call. You appear in person.

You provide us with pure fuel or challenge fuel. You risk an adverse response. You heighten your emotional thinking further and get drawn into a war of words, an array of accusations and a tussle of the (differing) truths.

And all this do

The need to have the last word also leads to you being susceptible to being hoovered because you feel that there are loose ends which need tying up. We instinctively  know this and rely on it to keep you hooked and providing fuel to us without ever allowing you to tie up those loose ends correctly. It is all part of the way we continue to manipulate you. No doubt you have found yourself in such a situation. You may now have moved on and know that the last thing you ought to do is engage with us in this way, no matter how tempting it might be. You have learned it will only result in fuel, if handled incorrectly and at worse you might even succumb to our charm once again and be sucked into the Formal Relationship again. Yet the desire to say those things you wish you had been able to say all that time ago or even more recently remains strong and powerful. Of course what you might say now would perhaps differ from what you might have said back then, when you did not know better than what you know now. You did not know what you had been entangled with, nor how you had been manipulated and thus your words would take on a different form compared to if you said them now, armed with knowledge and understanding.

Think back, when the need to say those last words arose, if you could have said them, at the time, what would they have been?

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44 Comments

  1. Dear Mr Tudor,
    I hear and fully appreciate what you say, however …
    My narcs have manipulated and controlled how everything has been played out to their way and to their advantage
    I FINALLY got the chance to have MY control MY power and have the “last word” and did it MY way
    “I” was the one who turned the weasel’s fuel off, for good …”I” ended the friendship ….. .he didn’t know what had hit him and in his true Mid range style was his predicable cowardly self and didn’t reply …PERFECT !

    I would do it again

    Thank you for your insightful and helpful article
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  2. Ugh so bad at this. Even when I did cut contact, I’d renew it again to get the last word. Oh well, at least I escaped, told him that he was a psychopath, and asked if he killed small animals when he was young or stole toys from other children.

  3. “Think back, when the need to say those last words arose, if you could have said them, at the time, what would they have been?”

    You are deliberately contradicting yourself. Why?

    I think because you are confronting your readers to asses their often nonsensical relationships. That’s clever. Your sentence makes literally no sense. Based on all you have shown us, the only answer is no answer and THAT is the last word. So why are you asking us what that word might be?

    That is how we win. Despite monumental, heartache, worry and loss – we have to go on. And then the real sticker is that we will never receive what we might terms as ‘justice’ in our lives. In terms of the Criminal Law system I mean. To paraphrase The Secret Barrister who quotes a random,’ We have Justice in the next world, in this world we have Law.’

    There has been a self imposed ‘omerta’ in abuse survivours. Because essentially we all know we cannot win so we don’t even try. This of course allows abuse to perpetuate and again, we are in a lose-lose scenario. We are caught in the system.

    It’s all butterflies.

    1. “You are deliberately contradicting yourself. Why?”

      Perhaps HG is perfecting his ability to craft Zen koans.

      1. HG long ago stopped perfecting. He reached an Enlightened state. It’s like the Shoguns. Who controlled them?

        Now we have our answer. It was HG. Or his ancestor. What we need to do is ask him how his Bonsai collection is fairing…

          1. May I propose a thought experiment, HG?

            You have acquired a beautiful Bonsai. It’s a miniature flowering cherry tree that also bears fruit. It is gorgeous and many admire the tree from afar.

            You have cared for this tree for many years. You have observed how sometimes it flowers, sometimes it bears fruit. Other times it appears lost and barren. But however, over the years of keen observation, you have a rough idea when the blossom comes or the fruit fails.

            You are in control. Now that poses a problem.

            If you are totally in control, you need not use those intricate scissors to cut her leaves. As you are minimalist, there is no point holding onto the scissors. Space = money x time. Junk the scissors.

            If you are not in control then you NEED them. But the q

          2. I think the scissors fought back against your comment before they could be “junked”.

          3. Dear HG. This is hard. It’s hard for all who have become Aware through your writings. To see things as they are? As opposed to the fantasy?

            I know that I am feeling fragile right now.

          4. It is. But at least it’s not as hard as slow death. At least this way we can see the horror and step out a little at a time instead of being mired in it hoping to be struck by lightning, win the lottery, have the narc hit by a train or a revelation which to be honest I wouldn’t believe anyway. At least this way the shock and triggers are constructive. Constructive destruction of the false paradigm.

          5. Oh sorry, my attention span had me skimming past big topic, not being AWARE. That’s not sarcasm either btw.

          6. No and it’s fair play. The bigger picture is tantalising for us all, I feel.

    2. Renarde, I concur. Looking for someone to overturn the *system* and bring it back to justice! Will it need to be a greater? 😉

      1. Hmm intriguing question Narc Noob!

        I would say it needs to be someone who is aware but which side of the slash they fall onto is a big ? in my mind.

        I going to change tack a minute here and talk about the planet. The planet is dying. It may well now be too late. This is why Extinction Rebellion in the UK are possibly gaining so much traction. I believe we do live in very intresting times. We are very slowly becoming aware. The founder of ER hit on a brilliant idea – get people in masques/white makeup and swanning around in scarlet robes. That is genius when you can work out why they have chosen that. It does appear to be gaining traction. Indeed, I know of people this weekend who are part of that ‘red gang’.

        And in other news, the founder of ER has just called for a mass ‘sit in’ where people protest against the criminalisation of drugs. They want to organise a gathering where people ingest mushies/LSD/MDMA etcs but not hard ‘street drugs’, the opiates and coke.

        So why just soft? Unless of course the public-facing concept is a bit of a McGuffin and it’s all about expanding consciousness and awareness. Planting the seeds, so to speak.

        In this aspect I feel they may be slightly preaching to the converted but maybe it’s the bigger picture? Just imagining how hilarious it would be to have several thousand people in Trafalgar Square tripping their nuts off? The police would be ‘confused’. Especially when the lions start talking.

        So yes – it looks as if alternate systems are forming. Probably with the rise of flower power and Woodstock. Counter culture. And maybe even before that. I’m thinking of the explosion of gay culture that happened in San Fran post war with the returning homosexual GI’s forming bike gangs which then became known as ‘Old Leather’.

        However, counter culture will have a very hard battle to overthrow the willful and collective blindness (let alone amnesia) that society as a whole is displaying right now.

        The aware are out there and some are trying to help. I truly believe that. I’m still a little on the fence with ER as there could be a number of scenarios that movement is/are playing out right now.

        Hope this makes sense?

        1. Hello Renarde, I had to look up XR (apparently their abbreviation) but yes, I did understand what you were talking about. Being someone that appreciates sustainability, supports the eating of plants and watches what I consume, I would say I would be interested in what they stand for. I am based in Australia but know about Woodstock. I am likely ill informed on matters like soft drugs (other than cannibas) as I have not been around people who use them nor had them myself. We also have similar people over this way trying to cause a stir so that people become more aware.

          1. Ahh yes, you’re right. Its XR. Of course.

            Well Austraila is one of the last few closed systems. From what I read, you guys are trying to keep it that way. Kudos.

            However, one question is, what happens ultimately in a closed system?

        2. Renarde: I remember the Occupy Wall Street movement, some years ago in the U.S. and also in NYC. It was a very large national movement. For quite a while, the authorities allowed the sit ins, the tents, the love fests, the magicians, the poetry readings, sandwiches and sodas, the free sex within the tents, a few brutal rapings of upper class women do-gooders, and little robberies,etc., Drop-ins by celebrities, to go on and on, but when many adherents and hangers on within the movement, both men and women, started having bowel movements and started urinating in front of store fronts and the likes, because they did not know how to perform reconnaissance on an area to see where the various public restrooms were available, from such places as a McDonalds, or a Starbucks, or various more friendly and open hotels,etc, because they were not of the lower classes and thus they had no idea what `living rough` really entailed, when living in tents without hygienic facilities, and all that, week after week, a tipping point was reached. The movement was put down in a blink of an eye: some mass arrests, a few dousings of weaponized pepper spray from the police, and the entire movement shut down. Poof. Like it never happened. The do gooders went home, or back to College/University, along with a few of their Professors, and the future activist had a street-credit arrest on their records to show that they fought for the `sheeple`, when they run for office in the future, the politicians came and went making speeches regarding this and that and such and such, and blah and blah, and the followers of anything and everything that provided food and cumbayah bonhomie, had a tainted arrest on their records, as a reward for their involvement, both young people and older people, that will only mark them and hurt them when they apply for certain jobs in the future, and it all was over. The real losers during the protests, were the very people the movement was supposed to be fighting for, and now these many hapless people that were just the pawns and filler during the movement, now carry arrest records that they surely do not need. Anyway, when the word came down, the movement was shut down In a flash. Just like that. No more media coverage. No mention in the Newspapers. No celebrity mention on their social media. No mention in song lyrics by famous musicians. No breach by activists during corp meetings and political rallies. No more t-shirts. It was just gone. Like it never happened. Poof.

          1. PSE – There is a lot to unpick here which I will apologise for if I do not do it justice.

            I’m seeing uncanny parallels when I look at your post as a whole compared to both my own personal experiences in the UK.

            Let’s raise awareness together. x

            So No 1 for me is the camps that did indeed spring up in your country and mine. Parliament Square to be exact. All in reaction to the second Gulf War. Over a million in the UK marched that day. It was wrong. We were being sold a fucking lemon and it stank! Again, those camps have been long eradicated and pretty much to zero in the MSM about why and how.

            Point 2 is the infiltration of the bourgeoisie into Counter Culture itself. It’s seen as ‘cool’ because it strives to be against the very system they ‘perceive’ they are rebelling against. They are not against the system. They are the system. They simply do not know it. Ask any Hunter wellie wearing, man bun sporting, beard (ish) or even females that look just, really good (and are with the aforementioned twat) to be certain. They talk the talk but they do not walk it.

            These are the people who have the ‘mate’ who has a ‘mate’ who has this tiny ball of hash and he’s letting us have…. a joint!’

            [Much merriment ensures]

            So, the middle class with their middle relationships showing how they are cool and hip with their fairy lights and Cath Kidston? Bet you any money the marital bed is a dry as the proverbial Sahara.

            It’s about appearances isn’t it? In either case, one cannot have all these protesters coveting space by a Sir Henry Moore (or something) OR the perfect 2.4 family next door that likes to be seen but they once searched for their moral compass and found it at the bottom of their Miele ‘Deep Freeze.’

            Grass roots protests such in my view, the Stonewall Riots, Miners’ Srike or the Slut Walk and that knitted pussy hat thing are phenomena that are priceless. Even my own kind (kink) turned up in force to protest against government legislation which outlawed female ejaculation on the grounds it was ‘all a load of piss’.

            How. Fucking. Dare. They.

            It’s happening everywhere and all the time. The rate that this happening is increasing. That’s why we sometimes cannot even comprehend what it happening in either the UK or US politics. We are always behind the curve, you see.

            Anyway. How are you?

        3. Renarde: I could feel what you are saying. The do-gooder women being raped in the tents was truly inconvenient for the media during the Occupy Wall Street movement. And all the theft. The people raping and robbing the people helpers. These incidents were constantly being hushed up. Also, the activists and college students and a few of their Professors were bailed out of the mass arrests immediately, while many of their pawns and filler people watched in dismay and could neither make bail nor quickly obtain the free attorneys and so they spent many nights in bad smelling jails being afraid to relieve themselves and bathe and accidentally upset one of their jailmates, on top of being fingerprinted and photographed for their police records. There has not really been any large movements since then. The Me Too movement had a few walks across a few bridges, and in front of some corporations, etc., but that is gone now, as well, as a visual and physical public protest. Regarding protests, and so many groups grabbing their piece of a protest, one time many activist lead buses for various causes were taking the pawns and fillers to Washington D.C. one weekend. After they arrived, and the pawns and filler people were being handed their protest signs for one of the causes, one guy said after reading the sign he was given: `I am not protesting this, I am for this!` It turns out that the guy had been seated on the wrong protest bus. The guy then found his cause across the way on another bus, in D.C., but he asked if he could still keep the box lunch that he was given on the wrong bus, because he was hungry: Good box lunch sandwich, but wrong bus: True story on the televised evening local news. A lot of these pawns and filler people are just happy to be treated well for a change, and put on a bus for a little trip, and given a box lunch and then later a sign to hold up, by nice and friendly and important activist people, as they see them. I guess the ball is in your court across the pond now. It is largely quiet, protest wise, in the U.S. lately. P.S. ~~ I hear that the weaponized pepper spray used by the authorities to break up protests is more painful than ever. And I heard that rubber coated bullets can really hurt.

  4. I was actually triggered by something stupid I did today in to huge bout of emotional thinking worse than I have experienced in months. But I saw something you posted. I did not act. One of the most powerful things I learned to do was walk away when he was speaking. Just walk, my last word was silence while proximate. Then silence from everywhere, every time.

  5. So far I’ve only been a silent reader. Almost 12 weeks since escape, exactly 11 weeks since I realised what he was and over six weeks since I established full NC. Ten days ago he started zo give my number to strangers to me, telling me they had the number of Instagram, although I do not own an account. I seriously only laughed about this. Makes me question my actual previous status, so far I thought I was Candidate IPSS at best.

    But that is not why am writing. No, I am waiting at the moment at the gynecologist, because of… ah I leave out the biological details… He just might have left me some bacterial gift (Ha, nice pun for a German.).

    Anyway if there is something, I question if I should breach NC briefly and tell him, that he should get checked. On my pro side is the prevention of the further spread of diseases and I consider, that I could play at, that chlamyds can cause infertility and I know, he definitely wants to have children (Somatic Mid-Ranger). On the con side is, that he might assume himself immune and I just will have breached NC for nothing.

    Any suggestions? I do not cared being smeared because of this. I already changed cities and will even change countries next week. All social media is shut down, new phone number is prepared as well.

    1. Welcome Sonnychan,

      1. If he has told you that he is giving your number to strangers you are not in no contact.
      2. Do not tell him he needs to get checked, that is a breach of no contact and he will not listen to you anyway (but he will drunk up your fuel).

      1. Thank you for your answer.

        1. He did not tell me. I just counted one and one together. Especially since one of them asked me, if I felt discomfort that he got my number. I didn’t answer and just blocked him. One week until I am truely unreachable (for a Midranger).

        2. Okay, i will do so. Thank you a lot for the advice.

      1. I do not care for him anymore. I am more concerned about the spread of diseases, the public health so to speak. It is the result of an unfortunate combination of being empathic and out of a family full of medicals. But I did take care of myself first, everything is going to be alright.

  6. I wasted more than enough time trying to explain how to behave to a grown ass man.

    Years and decades from now I’ll still get a kick out of the fact I cut contact and blocked without warning him.
    That was the ultimate last word.

      1. Dude also I’m in a small town so like- I’ll randomly drive by him occasionally- not often, -, or maybe I just don’t notice.
        But when I do notice him as I drive by, I get a lil chuckle knowing he saw me (of course he would) and he’d remember I escaped and stayed gone. Nyah Nyah, sucker!

          1. I’m female but I consider myself a Dude. . . I’m actually kinda a Dudeist (see The Big Lebowski ) and sat “dude” probably 20x a day- to myself, everyone I talk to, and my pets

          2. Ok. Just got off the phone. Both Bill and almost unbelivably( but not undeniably) Ted is/are here.

            Lets just be excellent. OK?

  7. I am improving in this area I no longer even try to get Understood by them if it gets him to leave me alone he can have The last word it’s really not that important to me I know he’ll only use whatever I say as a negative thing To either smear or hurt me
    I have tried so many times to make peace outside myself and I have learned it’s impossible with a narcissist they don’t want peace they like the drama and chaos that they cause and because I really have no negative feelings for him Any more I am actually try not to think about him I still do but not as often as I do before and it doesn’t have the same Emotional effect on me
    I except him for what he is but I have gained too much self-respect to have contact I’m hoping we stay in no contact it would be easier to maintain for me feels like a death now you mourn it for awhile And it takes time to heal but eventually learn to live without it and get on with life The only narcissist I will deliberately keeping my life as you HG because you’re a constant reminder of what not to and I don’t want to slip back into bad behaviour patterns with toxic people Thanks for everything you do it really helps people 🙏🙏

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