Poll : How Did You Uncover The Narcissist´s Infidelity



Infidelity. It will nearly always occur when you have been entangled with a narcissist. It may come in many forms, emotional, intellectual, financial and the one that most people know and the one which causes the most pain, physical or sexual infidelity. If you did not think your narcissist cheated on you, it is probably because you just did not find out. However, many people do find out.

Whether you were the IPPS or the IPSS, you believed the narcissist was faithful, but this did not happen? How did you find out?

Sometimes it is a brutal awakening when they thought there was nothing wrong, such as walking in on the narcissist in bed with someone else or seeing a damning text message apppear on the narcissist’s ‘phone. Perhaps you found some physical evidence of infidelity – the narcissist smelling heavily of an unfamiliar perfume, missing condoms, underwear or clothing that is not yours, bites or scratch marks on that person or the traditional lipstick on the collar.

You may have had suspicions and did some sleuthing, finding evidence of e-mail exchanges or subscriptions to dating sites or hook-up sites. Maybe the news came from a third party who had seen the narcissist out and about with The Other Person. Perhaps it wasa more direct as The Other Person contacted you to tell you what was going on or maybe the narcissist told you him or herself as part of the devaluation. You may choose more than one answer before casting your vote and as ever do expand in the comments section about the experience. How did you feel? What did you do? What happened thereafter? Thank you for participating.

How did you uncover the narcissist's infidelity?

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93 thoughts on “Poll : How Did You Uncover The Narcissist´s Infidelity

  1. Pati says:

    I dont know if I am blind or naive reading all these comments. Mine is now giving advice to a high school friend who is having marital problems in Facebook messenger. He says we are just friends. I am having doubts.

    1. Cyn says:


    2. Cyn says:

      Because we are empaths (in my case anyway), we want to give people the benefit of the doubt. The narcissist counts on this.

      1. HG Tudor says:


        1. Cyn says:

          Also you have a knack for sometimes being truthful, or half-truthful. So we cling to those occasions, the slivers of truth in a lie; citing those as examples why other indiscretions couldn’t be so. The empath wants so badly to believe.

    3. Cyn says:

      Also keep in mind it is in your nature to second guess yourself which will also be used against you as it’s of course a relief to believe the lie; a relief to keep your eyes half closed in order to believe in the person you love. That relief is temporary. I don’t know your relationship, you, or your person; so not my place to call him a liar or assess him as a narcissist- that’s HG’s job. But obviously you have doubts, there have been red flags, you have found yourself here for a reason. He very well may be giving a friend ‘marital advice’. But the meaning, motivation, and intention are different for him (if he is a narcissists) than for you or I.

  2. santaann1964 says:

    Is this the poll site?

  3. aapzonderstaart says:

    I found out because she accused me from infidelity. She pointed her out and all at some party or dinner from my work.
    I was like ”did I really ???.Why would i do that ? She’s just as a nutcase as you are,no point in doing her!”

  4. Omj says:

    I knew he was seeing other woman outside of IPPS. But since I was number 2 – I thought the other ones were just passing. One day I found on IG a woman with pictures at his place and all the places we went – and doing all the same things we were doing . I freaked out.
    So the cheating was on another level when I realized he actually had relationships with other woman and not only encounters.

  5. Jaya says:

    There had been multiple instances of him being “overly familiar” with other women during our relationship. He “could see how I might see it THAT way” but of course it never was like THAT.
    We were about to go on a theme cruise (all Elvis tribute artists) one of his interests, I just suffered it and paid for everything.. I was feeling resentful and he was on top of the world.
    He left his laptop unattended, I guessed the password and he was logged into multiple hookup sites. I read his chat history – he was chatting that day. All the same endearments he used for me, all the same bs I had received a decade before when we met. He had an IPPS then too, we had been in a relationship for 2years before I learned of her existence. I should have left then. Another decade of mind fucking, deceit and misery before I wised up and went looking for answers. HG, I remember the hairs on my arms standing on end, my chest feeling hot and tight and I had to consciously remember to breathe when I discovered your site and started reading.
    Thank you for educating us. I’m grateful beyond words to have the understanding, insight and tools you provide us with to free ourselves and move on with our lives.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome, Jaya.

  6. Kimi says:

    I realized through HG’s media that I had been married to a Somatic Mid-Ranger and thus knew that he had not faithful during our 16 years together. 2 instances involving other women suddenly made sense – he cheated then and multiple more times, I’m sure. That realization changed my whole view of the years I spent with him. The bad far out-weighed the good and I no longer believe in fairy tales… almost!

  7. Akdr says:

    I fu$%ng smell it from miles away

  8. Chihuahuamum says:

    I didnt actually find concrete proof but more or less online proof. His mask was revealed online and he knew i knew. In fact i think he deliberately wanted me to know. I think its him thinking he warned me or told me so. Our relationship is not in the context of an actual committed relationship like a marriage or true girlfriend boyfriend type so this doesnt fully apply but i did see early on that he was involved with others. The extent of that involvement im not fully aware of. I guess its hypocritical to even judge him given my own part in it. Hes a single man so its his perogitive what he does aside from us.

  9. SMH says:

    If we’re talking about IPPS, The Other Person told her. If we are talking about IPSS, the narcissist told her. The narcissist also told IPPS about The Other OTHER Person and told The Other Person about IPPS. Confused yet? So were we.

  10. Andrea Wainer says:

    My situation was different and complicated. It was in my best interest to NOT let him know that I knew he was cheating. I was surprised initially and then did a great job of pretending everything was fine, getting everything in order and exiting quietly. He didn’t get the fuel from me confronting him. I prompted him break up with me. I argued back at some of his BS, knowing he would devalue or dump me. I bolted and got physically out of the situation. When he hoovered I had someone else respond to him. I was in a bizarre situation where I needed to get information from him in order to get information about another person (group). I got most of what I needed. I knew he was a narc/potential psychopath from the beginning.

  11. empath007 says:

    He left hints about it all over his place with Hoover objects for other women all around. I could peice together there was other women. But it broke my heart/my ego….. I knew it was the truth but did not want to face it.

  12. Libby says:

    I wonder how much of the digital trail is deliberate. All of it?

    1. Lala says:

      My narcissist has ventured over into date rapist territory due to his ego and his want to control me becoming so skewed since his cheating began. He punched me in the side of the head last night unprovoked after finishing his boundary violations to see if he could literally do everything cruel imaginable to me as if to punish me for his cheating. I hope he ends up with a lengthy prison sentence because he deserves nothing whatsoever from anyone. No fuel. No thrills. No entertainment. No indiscretions. No coterie. No triangulation. No hoovering. No competition. No intimate primary source. No sources at all. He deserves to sit in a 6×9 cell in solitary confinement and to learn to fuel himself because he has no options available to appease his want for the admiration from his humiliated and degraded victims. He doesn’t deserve an escape route. He doesn’t deserve being pacified by play things. He doesn’t deserve a safe place. He doesn’t deserve a getaway to hide from being held accountable for his actions.

      He disgusts me and he is truly pathetic to me and a laughing stock now. He gets by on pity but he no longer has anything to use to charm others for pity benefits. He’s a user and abuser and a loser and I will continue to laugh in his face for him being stupid enough to throw away the only value he had in his life.

      He is less than nothing to everyone to be truly honest. I think he is mostly just barely tolerated in his supposed friend group and in all honesty has almost no friends. Which is even funnier to me how I sacrificed my precious focus and love and care on someone who destroys everything that matters and keeps his own gilded cage under the misconception it is his hideout to keep him away and above the backlash of his ignorant actions.

  13. Caron says:

    “I just love f*cking around with girls,” he messaged his best friend, “it’s so relaxing.” And, “I’ve been lucky enough to screw four women behind her back. And I’m sex talking two more.”

    I should have known. Found the hook-up websites earlier and he asked me not to give up on him. During deval he flirted with other women right in front of me. I must have married him during deval because he was all about this other girl at our wedding. When I found these messages, I went looking because he was obviously texting other girls while I was lying in bed with him.

    Trying to clean up the mess he made of me, while also cleaning up the mess I was in the first place that caused me to put up with this behavior at all.

    Still have some fear of him, and he still has power over me in that I live in his house. In about a month and a half I will be able to change that. In the mean time I don’t contact him, and when he contacts me I give him just enough fuel to keep him satisfied for days but not enough to call him back to hoover me. I know who and what he is. The narcissist has to be managed, though, and this is easier done from afar.

  14. Sisty says:

    Text message sent to me “by mistake.” First he told me that he had done it on purpose to make me mad, then he admitted he had had been in contact with her all along. Don’t know whether they actually ever reconnected sexually, or whether the text to me was deliberate or a mistake — or which would have been worse — but calling another woman “Darling” was enough for me.

    1. WAF Tudorita says:

      HG this is a triangulation tell – sending the wrong person a message – but surely sometimes it must be by accident? I’ve done it – not to triangulate but just by accident

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Well yes an accident will happen, that is why I explain an item in isolation is an indicator not a determinator.

        1. Cyn says:

          Repeated accidents mean he can’t keep his shit together because he was driving and/or drank too much, in my case lol 😂

  15. Geminimom says:

    My narc never cheated on me physically. He cheated with money and having his sister and her kids control our money. It was triangulation at its worst for me. What I later found out is the sister is a higher narc than my ex and he is oblivious to her. Oblivious because he can’t see his own kind. Both are somatic with her possibly a lower greater but he being a mid ranger with less malice than her.

  16. Debs says:

    Saw a picture she sent him. He said it was someone’s Facebook wall update. He was always on his phone as well and hiding it. Even going so far as to text her when we were out at a zoo and then pretend that he was taking pictures lol. Knew for sure when on holiday he was messaging her in front of me after a few drinks forgetting I was there. Made the mistake of leaving his phone on charge on my side of the bed and I woke to an I love you message! He denied said it was a friend friends say they love each other all the time etc etc. Told me she was married showed me her wedding photos on Facebook. Didn’t believe him contacted her ex husband – narcy boy made the mistake of showing me the pictures as knew his name now. He said they were no longer married and he knew she was seeing someone in the U.K. so he told her gave her my number and she contacted me and sent me all their texts pics etc and lo and behold narcy boy was cheating. Told her we were friends told his friends we just broke up etc etc. Saw one of his friends recently and let it slip he was a cheat and he was shocked and said that’s not what we were told. Self image all important to a narc! Still with the new supply she’s completely oblivious to it all and even believes him when he told her we were friends such close friends for 10 years who now no longer don’t speak and the friend is in complete no contact after narcy boy went into a rage and threatened to kill her in his car. Funny things friends do right? It’s been a year now and I’m now doing ok finally. It took a year to reach this point. I never thought I’d get there but I did and it’s thanks to HG’s website. Hang in there guys and gals there is light at the end of the tunnel it just takes time and before you know it you are indifferent to what happened. No contact was my life saviour at breaking the addiction to the narc and the psychological abuse I was going through. Stay NC!

  17. Veronique Jones says:

    My so called best friend at the time confessed to it

    1. WAF Tudorita says:

      That’s the WORST. Double betrayal

  18. Whitney says:

    To my Dearest HG,
    The same day the LMR cheated on me, I instinctively knew. He was saying things like “your body is so hairless”. I wanted to ask him that day, but I didn’t want him angry. He was always angry at me.

    About a week later he said something like “women have sex with a guy to make him be with her”, so I said, “I’m going to ask you a question but please don’t get angry. Did you have sex with your ex?”
    He was surprised and said “who told you?? Someone told you”.

    You told me, idiot!

    1. hahaha…..oops !

    2. Whitney says:

      He said he had sex with his ex “so she wouldn’t fuck other guys”, and that he “felt nothing and regretted it”.

      A couple months later, he said he LOVED her and didn’t love me.

      She wanted to be with him. I knew for a fact, she was trying everything. I said “Why don’t you be with her then? Why are you with ME?”. “I don’t know”, he said.

      It was so confusing, I wrote down everything to try to piece it together.
      HG was my only salvation.

  19. Liane says:

    This topic reminds me of an amusing story (amusing now – not at the time). I found an open packet of condoms under our bed, and we weren’t using any. So I asked him about it. Answer: When you were away for a couple of weeks, I felt randy but didn’t want to mess up the bed while w…..g, so I used condoms to avoid the mess.

    The thought of him getting up at night to go and buy condoms, when he had never worried about dirty sheets before, and had never used condoms when masturbating … seriously? Who would believe that??

  20. Cyn says:

    Texts that were out of nowhere and meant for someone else, a butt dial in the middle of the night with someone in the background, physical evidence, lies that were highly unlikely truths, texts in the middle of the night. I didn’t read everything, saw glimpses of things but did not scroll through phone or dig through things, in fact I refused to but there were many things he slipped up on when triangulating me. Many things he said when he obviously had me mixed up with someone else and many texts meant for someone else. The last one I recognized from one of the ones he sent when we first met; a description of his and location lol!

    1. Anm says:

      My son’s dad, who is a cerebral narcissist would do weird things like. I don’t think he was really cheating, I think he was just being disrespectful, and part of the mind games. Was your ex cerebral or somatic?

  21. I told him there could be nothing physical between us until he stopped working so many hours and started spending more time with me. Three and a half years later I was at work and received a picture from his ex wife of him and the woman he had been living with for over three years. I told his girlfriend about us. Until she read through our texts she believed we were just friends with no real emotional ties. He tried to convince her of that but I had proof that shot down every single lie. I spoke to him once after that just to hear “I’m sorry” over and over again. I walked and discovered my “happily ever after”. I left 8 months ago. Now my best friend receives a friend request on Facebook from his best friend this week. Hmmmmm

  22. Pink says:

    This POS had all his little whore numbers in his phone as guys I had never met or even heard of..that’s because they didn’t exist! I called and of course they were girls..usually any and all new hires at his work. I would also stalk him outside his place during discards and ohhhh the train of tramps..let the show begin!!🤪

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  24. ANK says:

    He was texting, sat right next to me. She had written ‘I really want you right now’. He was replying you’re just exaggerating or something of that sort as he asked me how to spell exaggerating. I confronted him, so he fessed up. After, on a few occasions when he was with me, he would be texting her but pretending he was texting his mate. Tosser.

  25. Libby says:

    I never really caught him but the signs were there. Obviously. The sudden devaluation after the love bomb…I knew if I was no longer getting his attention it had to be directed somewhere else. His “likes” and comments on Facebook we’re creepily excessive. He was clearly fishing. His father was dying and he used it to guilt me when I questioned him.

  26. Jess says:

    I never discovered a narcissist’s Infidelity. This is more than likely due to the fact that I dated cerebral narcissists and one victim narcissist. I cared much more about sex than they did. Their manipulation was to withhold sex from me. This worked with the ULN for a number of years before I realized what was happening. I did notice them all getting more attention than what I considered normal but there was always plausible deniability in their part. I was the neglected cheater not them. I am quite a paranoid researcher as well and I did check phones and emails…nothing

    1. Christopher Jackson says:

      Same here I haven’t caught anything as well but I am going through that too she is always controlling the sex all the time when we can where we can how long how many times where I can touch where I cant touch…its driving me nuts that she does that. It’s always like hurry up …you need to hurry up all the time she seems to be doing it like it’s a chore or something always lazy me doing all the work. The whole “head” thing stopped like 15 years ago got reduced down to holidays and then just the bdays then down to nothing so go figure..

  27. ANM says:

    I have many stories about narcissist infidelity.
    This was my first experience with the crazy making of infidelity of a narcissist.
    I dated a politician who was so so so dirty. He was 21 years older than I was. I was 27. I was his IPPS. I was closer in age to his son, than I was to him. He also had real estate investments in other states. I would be left at the house to handle matters at home, while he “traveled for work”. I always had a really dirty feeling around him when he would come home. Weird things would happen, like he would go MIA for hours when he was supposed to be available, when I got used to that, started to constantly want to go to LA and Las Vegas for “conferences”. People had that look on their faces like they knew something was up, but didnt want to get involved. To make things conflicting though, he would act so horrified if I asked him if he was cheating. He would accuse me of having cold feet, or being Co-dependent, and not emotionally independent. Then I would start looking into his browser history, and it would be too clean, like he cleared it. I would look through his text messages, and wonder why it looked like he was deleted some of the text messages. Then I started to wonder why he was going to events without me, and usually not even telling me. Or why is it “poker night with the guys” again? I would wonder why he had no boundaries. He would hit on my sisters, cousin, friends, ANYONE! I became obsessed with trying to figure out if I should trust him! I finally went on his browser one day…… and I caught him! I found the history of him on Backpage shopping for a “massage”. I confronted him.
    “You were on Backpage shopping for a hooker?”
    “Honey, I was looking for a massage.”
    “On back page? What about craigslist? Then you jump to personal ads? What is all this?”
    “It’s entertaining to read personal ads. Dont you think?”
    He signed us up for therapy. He even charmed the therapist. The therapist thought I was a psycho for not giving him the space he needed. She saw me as the problem.
    Then I started noticing that he would get these sleazy women as fans on social media. These women were foreigners, escorts, desperate single women who would message him on FB like he was a celebrity. His professional relationships started to not like me, like he was getting ready to boot me out, if I exposed him.
    The final straw was, I gave him the ultimatum of staying with me and doing a polygraph test, or I would leave him. He choose the polygraph test, but paid the person doing the test to say that he past and “never cheated” on me. What a joke it was, embarassing, and I couldn’t believe I stood that low. It was a giant mind f**k. I knew he was cheating on me, but wanted him to confess or give me closure. It wasn’t going to happen.
    One weekend while he was away, I hurried, and got an apartment and moved out without telling him. He was upset about losing the control, but tried to charm his way back. He eventually told me that our therapist told him we should try group sex with other people to save our relationship. He never did confess to the cheating. The signs were there. He knew how to cover a scandal. He is still a pillar in the community, and dated my cousin briefly after we broke up. I am so glad I never had children with that narcissist in particular.

    1. E. B. says:

      I have heard about narcissists passing polygraph tests and more than once. Ex-wives spoke (wrote) about it. I think those narcissists must be Greaters (their calm demeanour is unbelievable) or perhaps UMR. My father was an UMR and I am quite sure he would have passed one of those tests.
      I don’t believe what your ex told you about your therapist – that you should try group sex to save the relationship.
      Good to hear you did not have any children with him!

      1. WAF Tudorita says:

        “It’s not a lie…..if you believe it.”

        -George Costanza , Seinfeld

      2. caron says:

        My ex narc passed a polygraph test to become a law man. Had to say he never hit a woman, when he’s hit multiple women. He was so relaxed he fell asleep, which makes me wonder if he had taken something before the test. They get good at lying, don’t they?

        1. E. B. says:

          If your ex fell asleep, he was probably bored.
          It does not make sense to use those tests when they know they are not reliable. People who get anxious and nervous while being interrogated will not pass the test, even when telling the truth.

          1. seballerina says:

            Pretty sure that’s what happened to me. I took the test and was super nervous, but I didn’t lie and I don’t think I passed. I should have though, but I’m a feeling person, so…

          2. E. B. says:

            The polygraph test does not detect if someone is lying. It is about physiological responses – heart rate, etc. If you got very nervous, you may have not passed the test.

            A former FBI special agent wrote a book about a method to detect deception. He analyses written and oral communication including people speaking on the phone. I have read some excerpts and I found it very informative. However, I think interviewers should consider other aspects before reaching a conclusion. There are different reasons why people’s narrative could be seen as deceptive when they are actually telling the truth such as previous traumatic experiences, (C-)PTSD, stigma, social anxiety and phobia.
            Giving too many details is considered a sign of deception. However, truthful people who have been repeatedly told they were lying will tend to give too many details, even when not asked. They may be seen as manipulative as in trying to convince others they are telling the true. People think they are lying.
            Also, those who have not been believed or were accused of lying in the past may get triggered when being interviewed or interrogated. They get anxious and nervous.

            It seems to me there isn’t any test that is 100% reliable.

    2. Anm says:

      @ E.B @ WAG Tudorita @Caron,
      I totally agree that it was not a good position for me to be in, for asking him to do a polygraph test. I think it should be carefully thought about before asking any narcissist to do polygraphs, drug testing, or psychological evaluations. Because they can very much cheat with the test or even fake the documents, and exploit it for all it’s worth, and then revert back to false test if challenged. It’s best to document their behavior, or if money isn’t an issue, have a PI dig up what the Narcissist is really up to.

      1. SMH says:

        Don’t ask a narc to go to couples counseling either because he will do it and put on a good show, all while he is cheating on you.

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. SMH says:

            Thanks, HG. I have to say I was really shocked. I was so naive. One day after the ‘reconciliation’ with IPPS began, he mentioned his counseling (I think I was insisting that he pay for my therapist). I say, ‘have you mentioned me/us?’ (thinking he is in individual counseling) and he says ‘no, my wife is right there.’

          2. HG Tudor says:


          3. SMH says:

            Was a complete surprise to me, HG. I did not know people were capable of doing that – I did not even know what compartmentalization was, not to mention fuel. Of course it all makes sense now. I sure have grown up a lot. You are wise beyond your years.

        2. Anm says:

          The “couples counseling” was his show. Something he forced me to do. He used it as a third party to keep me in line; and then when I left, he used it as part of the smear campaign, “I loved her very much, and only wanted her to get help. I was committed to making it work, I paid for the best counseling and therapy for us (her), but she was unwilling to work on her problems”.

        3. Anm says:

          Not only was he cheating on me, he was also engaged in a protracted custody case for his son. I knew he had an ongoing dispute with his son’s mother, but he never let me know that they were actually litigating in court the whole time we were together. He took credit for the parenting I did for his son, and maintained the upper hand in court as the involved parent, when in reality he wasn’t around that much.

    3. Anm says:

      In my case here, the relationship shouldn’t have even gone that far. There was no legal binding, and i was too young to deal with that crap.

  28. Samantha says:

    I never experienced that with my Narc. He has women ‘friends’ that he keeps in touch with mostly by phone, including ex-girlfriends, but he always assured me they were no more than that. I knew one of them. They’ve been strictly friends for 25+ years. She encouraged our relationship to both of us (separately) and told me he’s a really nice guy. I doubt that she knows he’s a Narc. After being educated by your teachings, I now understand why he keeps a fan club. He has limitations, so he gets his fuel by phone and text.

    1. Anm says:

      You believe a narcissist would just stay “strictly friends” with an ex? Or a narcissist would keep “limitation” on friendships to phone and text? Please don’t ever fall for that again. If he is a Cerebral Narc, there is a slim chance of it not being sexual, but he was cheating somehow.

      1. Intrepid Traveller says:

        Mine had a small harem of ‘friends’ and some had been promoted to lieutenants over the years. I didnt see in the beginning what they were but since i have been here and consulted with HG they all fall into place very predictably. They didnt become sexual and were very obviously to feed his ego, he would keep them on a string or pity play to get sympathy. He used to reinforce and justify his reality by telling me about them in different everyday stories so they appeared like work mates to me. Some of them were online only. I found out later that several stories were actually one person. He didnt want to not tell me about their existence but also didn’t want me to realise how much he interacted with them. I suspect he got his fuel from my ignorance and acceptance of them. ☹️

  29. cogra002 says:

    So many things.

    The mixed up conversations was the 1st clue

    After spending 24/7 on msgr w me suddenly during devaluation he was on msgr 24/7 but not talking to me much

    He dangles new conquests in front of me

    Generally during new or rekindled old supply , he will pick fights, nothing I say is ok, he has new interests, dresses different, suddenly can spell, etc. Its in my face. These things tend to blow up a lot it seems, then hes back. Then the cycle repeats.

    In one case, a Japanese guy he got completely obsessed with….he made them matching tshirts with their pictures.
    It was obvious.

    Also, whoever the Narc is talking to late, at bedtime is the primary. That has not been me in a long time, except when he needs to get me back

    And the ever present triangulating me with someone new

    1. WAF Tudorita says:

      Suddenly can spell LOL

      1. cogra002 says:

        WAF 😂😂😂
        I know right.
        He has the literary skill of a 12 yr old and I have a masters degree. Yet here I am psychically chained to man-boy. And I’m not the desperate type at all!! W-T-F!

        1. WAF Tudorita says:

          OK but remember you’re not actually psychically chained. That’s just a romantic notion , an idea . 😉

  30. Lorelei says:

    Is it strange that infidelity never really bothered me tremendously compared to the nonsense behavior? Or was this a part of me just accepting poor behavior—like bundled up in a package? How will I acclimate to a more normal scenario in the future?

    1. cogra002 says:

      Lorelei, it all bothered me. The Male-whoredom the fact that it appears he likes men too, the lying and the buuuullllllshit.
      I hate it all.
      Yet I’m extremely trauma bonded. Really psychically shackled at the moment
      Being on here is helping a lot.
      HGs relentless reminders of what’s going on.
      Hearing you all. 💞

      1. Lorelei says:

        If he had liked men I would have lost my mind in disgust but I am not homophobic at all—it’s the high risk behavior I would have been subjected to and the “back and forth” that for whatever reason nauseates me. I basically have no clue how to function in a more normal situation. Basically infidelity with women though is not an issue of visceral proportions for me. It’s strange—I’m almost more accepting of the other woman if extremely attractive. I’m really odd. It never felt like competition but a mutual appreciation. I’m incredibly amused by his current situation—she is horrendous and it’s like he’s lost his mind. I say this with absolutely no stretch of the truth. It’s an incredible display of nonsense. He would have expressed embarrassment to me about being aligned with the type of people he is around now, yet I understand he was
        mirroring my personal threshold of disdain. Make sense? He has no true sense of self so shape shifts accordingly.

        1. Completely get the ‘ shape shifting’. It’s something that i have been wondering about recently as i can now see my ex definitely does that. It’s like he doesnt know what to be next and has to plug in to someone else to be something or how to react to ongoing life events. Shoes always help, somewhere to dump your ET !!

          1. Lorelei says:

            Exactly. I thought I had an unstable sense of self until saw this disaster. It’s repulsive and embarrassing. It would be one thing to tuck a one night stand under your belt but to parade around with garbage is horrendous. It’s in equal parts: entertaining, repulsive, and humiliating because there is no class in this matter. I need to let it go but the amusement drives it a bit because objectively jt is hilarious. Like side splitting funny.

          2. Kim e says:

            IT & Lorelei,
            My ET reliever is BIG purses. Not really shoes. DSW is my oasis int he land of bullshit!!!!

          3. Lorelei says:

            DSW is popular Kim—I never go though!

          4. Lorelei says:

            Omg now I am giggling in Lowe’s all by myself!

          5. Cyn says:

            I love giggling in stores! Especially alone lol!

          6. Lorelei says:

            I couldn’t help it. I’m still here and the sweetest looking thing made a point of telling me he was in a divorce. His English sucks so can’t I just assume he is not a narcissist based on lack of ability to communicate? He was a customer and I know he has money because he told me where he lived. (I found a subtle way to ask because I’m slick) I bet I can get the kitchen designer to make this happen, sleep with him and then if he’s a prick just GOSO!

          7. Cyn says:

            Maybe you should sleep with the kitchen designer instead, in a sample kitchen when no one is looking, and get a discount. Ha! Just kidding.

          8. Lorelei says:

            He’s not as do-able. The customer guy was 100% appropriate.

          9. Cyn says:


          10. Lorelei says:

            Truly—anyone I’m attracted to is a prick Cyn.. I don’t know the mating call of a normal person! Absolute pricks. Oh not at first..

          11. Cyn says:

            Ok, so here’s my thought. For you and also @Renarde not sure if this works. Since we only are going to draw narcs, we may as well learn to play. Maybe just put tape on their mouths, or flatter them, then tape their mouths, have sex, give them a fake name and number, hide our license plate number, don’t tell them where we live, and vanish. We’ll be single forever but I don’t have time for anymore bullshit. I’ve already spent too many years. I can have my needs met without abuse.

          12. Lorelei says:

            The thing truly is that I’ve come too far to have intimate relations with aliens. I want to graduate from this affliction more than sex is necessary! 🤷🏼‍♀️

          13. Cyn says:

            My truth is that the thought of someone touching me wants to make me scream.

          14. Lorelei says:

            I think you are supposed to scream if they do it right Cyn:)

          15. Cyn says:

            Ha! Good one and true! I find though that screaming breaks my concentration in that instance.

          16. Lorelei says:

            Cyn—it’s been so long I can’t even remember my own idiosyncrasies. I am on sabbatical and I suspect I’ll be so old by the time it’s over I’ll only be eligible for men with ED! This is ridiculous.

          17. Cyn says:


          18. Cyn says:

            Omg it’s been 8 months!

          19. WAF Tudorita says:

            Everyone I’m attracted to turns out to be a prick also
            Or, more often than not, a narc.
            Nowadays I know that if I’m attracted- look for the Flags.
            Never takes long .
            I think this is an in-between stage , a transition , as I now see the behaviours as red flags and gross, instead of breezing past them
            Here’s an eg
            A fb friend of a friend I had a brief getting-to-know-ya with 10 years ago recently re-friended me… I accepted the request out of curiousity. I had forgotten who deleted who and why.
            After a couple of days I checked his profile- he’d gone on to get married, had a kid, and divorced. I noticed by his pictures that I am attracted to him and I’m really not attracted to that many people .

            I messaged him and asked why we had Unfriended each other. He said I had unfriended him. I said well, I probably had good reason lol
            We chatted for a bit then he mentioned we had (a decade ago) talked about him visiting me ( we live in different provinces)
            I said yeah so..?
            He said “well I was never totally against the idea..”
            ( I mention it’s been 10 years? I don’t even know the guy ! -and he’s hinting that he would come out to visit?!)
            I said (to his hint) “ well wherever you go, you take yourself with you” then I said “ok nice chatting ,talk another time, gtg”
            He says “ummm ok?”
            Then “you ok?”

            ( like I need to give a reason for ending the conversation ? Or that I’m not OK because I said talk to you later And didn’t jump on his hint about visiting?) I think he thinks I’m just desperate . Maybe I was 10 years ago I dunno

            I just ignored I’ll unfriend again soon

            I have narc radar now.
            I might still be initially attracted to them, I’m hoping even that will pass

        2. cogra002 says:

          I was disgusted at figuring out he seems to like d**k. But due to the distance, I guess hes able to get me to 2nd guess it all the time. I thank God for the distance every day

          1. Lorelei says:

            It would make me even more disgusted than his current scenario.

        3. cogra002 says:

          Totally get it. Too bad we aren’t each others type 😂

    2. Intrepid Traveller says:

      I think that ‘normal’ becomes skewed when you have been with a narcissist for a while and the behaviour boundaries become blurred. The nonsense behaviour kept me fighting with my ex, fuelling him whilst keeping my ET up and therefore hooked as he kept on promising a return to the GP, it was just one big blur. The affair i dealt with on a ‘normal’ level, that you forgive, you are good together (hah!) so you can put it back together and move on like every other ‘normal’ couple. To summarise – everything ends up upside down!!

      1. Lorelei says:

        I was in a really bad space from the blog for the last few hours Intrepid—until I checked my email and enjoyed looking at Jimmy Choo shoes. I need to do the Stepford thing for awhile and then just leave after I snag a dozen pair. I want the black ankle boots with gold JC and they are $1300. I’m sick over it.

        1. Intrepid Traveller says:

          ☹️ its like peeling an onion isn’t it? Layers and layers. You find out something new or address some behaviour and it suddenly all falls into place but you then have to deal with the hurt of it in a new way. Hah! One pair of shoes Lorelei … I have had a whole new wardrobe of clothes this summer lol !!

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