30 Shards of Ice
Words are our weapons. Easy to use, low in energy expenditure but with such potential. The capacity to charm, to flatter, to instil joy, to create desire, love and passion, to engender affection and much more besides. Words can be used to soothe, to convince, to persuade and to calm. Those words can also hurt, upset, annoy and frustrate. Cutting comments, acidic accusations and pernicious put-downs. The greater of our kind show particular ingenuity in assembling those savage sentences which cause despair and generate misery for the recipient. We adopt a considered approach in respect of the uttering of these barbed comments.
- They will be reserved most often for strangers and minions in order to reinforce our superiority and to show off in front of you, our primary source. We have no façade to maintain with the newspaper vendor, the waitress or the driver of another car. They will suffer the caustic words to allow the provision of fuel to us by their shocked and upset reaction and also from you by reason of your admiration at our masterful handling of the incompetent person serving us.
- Those who form the façade rarely receive the lash of our tongue unless they deceive us and become treacherous. For the most part those people will only ever experience the pouring of honey in their ears and the sugar-coated pleasantries which are designed to keep the loyal to us and to maintain the façade to our benefit.
- The worst of these comments is directed at you as our primary source of fuel. The issuing of nasty, malevolent and hurtful comments will be saved for you during devaluation for the purposes of causing the maximum provision of fuel and the assertion of our control. Slurs about your life, your appearance, your family, your interests, your job and your friends will be routinely hurled at you. This will happen repeatedly, like a machine gun firing our bilious bullets towards you. We also like to wield a show stopper of a comment, a particularly chilling comment which is designed to drive a shard of ice through your heart. The type of comment which leaves you in a stunned silence at the malice it contains. The nature of the comment leaves you horrified that somebody would say that to you, somebody who is meant to love and cherish you, somebody who once said the most wonderful things to you (and will do so again in about a week as the rollercoaster ride gets into its stride). These comments are designed to deliver maximum hurt, total upset and have that negative fuel pouring from you. They may leave you stunned, sickened, frightened and anxious, they will chill you to the core but our kind will always deliver them because words are our weapons. Here are thirty icy shards which are driven through your hearts.
- I will always be in your head and your heart. You will never ever escape me.
- I will not stop. Ever.
- You know, I thought about your funeral before and it troubled me. It troubled me because I would no longer be able to punish you.
- Nobody likes you, that is why your dad left you, you know. Nobody else will say it but I will.
- I hope it takes years of therapy to sort you out.
- You think this is bad? This is nothing. I am just getting started.
- I always know where you are.
- You are my puppet and I will never cut the strings.
- I know everything about you. Remember that.
- It’s strange what can happen when you are asleep.
- No matter how far you go I will always find you, because I own you.
- I only chose you because I felt sorry for you.
- You have no idea what is going through my mind right now have you? But I know exactly what you are thinking.
- Go on scream, nobody is listening.
- You are not a person to me.
- I’ve caressed you. Now I am going to crush you.
- Just think, you have already had the happiest moment in your life.
- You have told me all your secrets. Remember that.
- I’m diseased and I’ve infected every part of you.
- Nobody will ever believe what you say.
- I’m the permanent reminder of all the things you want to forget.
- I will teach our children to hate you.
- I’m going to show you what loneliness really is.
- This is happening because you are a bad person.
- I need to cleanse you and I will not stop until it is done.
- When you close your eyes you will only ever see my face.
- I will never let you go.
- I will never put you out of your misery.
- I hate her because she reminds me too much of you.
- This is what will happen for the rest of your life.
There are many more, but what have you been told which has stopped you in your tracks and sent a chill through you?
26 thoughts on “30 Shards of Ice”
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“I’m only using you.”
Most honest thing he ever said. I thought he was just being cruel but that he didn’t mean it. How ridiculous of me.
He actually nerver lashed out at me directly i’v never been told anything mean, disrespectful or been even shouted at, what he does is he lashes out at those who talk to me, especially his male firends (whom he was the one to insist i meet) and then he gives me the “look what you make me do “
HG, when I Ieave he will haunt me for the rest of my life. Its like a horror movie with no ending. So scary!
I asked the Narc once how long we were going to carry on this long distance, mostly messanger, relationship.
He said “forever. “
He consciously intended that to sound magnificent. Unconsciously he was exhibiting his sense of ownership
Director (on phone about a staged reading for which I have worked on costumes and choreography): The call is at 2.
Me: OK.
Director: We might have to change some of the dances; some people may not be able to make it.
Me(walking right into the trap): Who can’t make it?
Director names several people, including tentatively the one who plays the female lead. I’m the only other person who read for that part, and since it’s a staged reading, no memorization is required, although I’m familiar with the show and have played similar parts before.
Me: If so and so can’t make it, I’d like to be considered for understudy.
Director: Yeah, I’ll bet you would… No, if so and so can’t make it, we just won’t do the show.
Pause.
Me: Call is for 2, and we go up at 3?
Director (disappointment audible in her voice): ….yes
Me: See you then.
WTF? She didn’t get the protests or tantrums she wanted, but I was still stunned at her malice. If I wasn’t the right type, why did she audition me in the first place? If my reading was so bad, why did several people in the company say they thought it was excellent? Why did a longtime friend of hers tell one of my friends she was having trouble deciding on a female lead after so and so and I had both read, delaying the casting announcements and keeping everybody in suspense for days? What the hell did she have against me? Hardly the first time I didn’t get a part I wanted, but I had never encountered such hostility.
I found out she pulled a similar routine on another young actress some time after I’d left to work with another company. I suspect we were neither her first nor last victims. Meanwhile, there were people she did cast, but if they weren’t one of her pets, she gave them hardly any direction, focussing all her feedback on people she favored. She didn’t care if the whole production suffered, as long as she could treat some people as if they didn’t count. Her company fell apart within a few years. I’ve seen this before in other industries, where someone actively alienates people for no discernible reason, even if it threatens the success of their own careers. It never made sense to me.
Now it does.
Sarah
I know it’s a good thing that he’s gone but I’m having trouble moving on because there was never an apology or admittance of guilt. It’s also hard for me to accept this happened because I have a very strong personality and he came along during a time when I was very vulnerable. He just weaved his way in very slowly like a snake. Literally the day after I said I didn’t even want to be friends he was in a relationship with someone who he says looks, sounds and acts like me except she was willing to give him what he wanted. It was like a punch to the gut because only than I realized what I was dealing with. The mask only started coming off about a month before I started questioning him and pushing him away. He showed his lack of emotion at that time and it was frankly freaky as fuck. It was like he was a serial killer with his deminor. I’ve dealt with people with narc tendencies before but never at this same level. It’s over a year now since it ended and I still can’t move past it.
Replaying every fucking red flag I missed.
I’m so fucking mad at myself.
He wins because I still get mad and sad because of him.
if he is indeed a narcissist he will never apologies and admited any guilt, from his pov, you were the bad one. Are you ok with waiting for something that will never happen?
And since you read about NPD, you should know by now that even if he did admit guilt, it will be just an other manipulative move among hundred others that will come soon if you let yourself be fooled by his suden ” remorse”.
accepte the facts, stop self flagellating, learn and use your knowlege to avoid further involvement with these kinde of individuals.
as long as you keeping talking in terms of he/I win/s it means that you are playing his game, stop playing.
I’m sorry if i sound harsh, hop you will feel better verry soon.
Thank you, sometimes we need to hear harsh truths
AK,
You are not alone – many of us have felt this way.
I want to encourage you to have your own back. You are educating yourself well and you need to give yourself credit for that. You know that this man was a snake, wearing a mask. You started to question his credibility and addressed this with him – he knew he was striking out and so he bailed.
Mask wearing snakes leave without apologising or taking responsibility for anything because that is who they are. Expecting anything different is like waiting for flowers to grow out of concrete. It is not your fault that he is a 5 year old in an adult’s body doing show and tell with his new girlfriend. It is not your fault that he lied to you and pretended to be a prince when he was actually a snake.
As you are a strong person, it is easier to hold onto guilt and anger for yourself than admit you were a victim. Do you think the little old lady on the street who gets hit over the head while she has her handbag stolen should feel guilty? Nope, not one bit and neither should you. You were a victim of a person who needs victims to survive and provide them with fuel; their only life force. The best revenge and best way forward is to not be a victim anymore. Holding onto guilt and anger makes you a victim – that is not you. Let it go and do it for you. Remind yourself over and over “I am doing this for me, I am doing this for me”.
Have you read HG’s books? They are a phenomenal way to draw your power back into your consciousness. I always read them when I am working out and feeling strong. When you feel strong and have your own back you will channel energy toward the N differently. The more you read the more you will lose interest in him because you have your own back and you are focused on you.
If you wrote a list of all the reasons you should hang onto this sadness, anger and guilt, how many would you come up with? Exactly – none! Your emotional thinking is holding you back but you have control of that. Write a list of how many reasons there are for you to let go of your negative feelings? Write as many as you can and don’t stop until you are thinking about the next guy- not the old guy. You’ve got this (and then some) a year is long enough, time to let the dark corners of your mind rest and live your life to the fullest.
Thinking of you.
Sarah
Thank you, Sarah
That really help
EX-N#1(father):
After going through physical abuse where I feared for my life, I stood up to him once and was going to defend myself. His comment was “I will never touch you again; I’m afraid you might kill me in my sleep “.
EX-N#2 (husband):
I was going through a panic attack and hyperventilating while he stood there yelling “you crazy bitch!!! ” over and over.
EX-N#3 (his DLS):
He stated “maybe you shouldn’t wear your heart on your sleeve; maybe you shouldn’t love with all your heart” (maybe I shouldn’t be me???) I think that would be like asking him not to be a narcissist.
“Don’t bother calling the cops. I’ll be calmed down by the time they get here”.
(Kid’s dad, shortly before I left him for good)
“Maybe I’ll just revenge-fuck her”
(My MMR , before he hoovered his current IPPS)
(This was one of those MR slip ups but it stayed with me)
“I knew you’d be back”
(My narcoholic- I returned the next day after I had left a get together bc he was ignoring me and disgustingly and blatantly flirting with the 21 yr old neighbour. It was the way he said it…smug, sneering, but…just oozing with spite and contempt and superiority and….malicious amusement)
“You just got raped by a dog”
(After a MR assaulted me , he licked my face then said this. He’s a psychopath. Duh. Empty eyes.)
Funnily the most hurting, painful and destroying sentence was: “To be honest, I have never loved you.”, which was the only true sentence in four years time, wasn’t it?
By the way was it told “contrariwise” the very next day and on and on it went the roller coaster….
Reducing ET is like finding buried sentences like that in your memory, which your mind had suppressed right away to protect itself from going mad.
The human’s brain is designed to avoid und solve cognitive dissonance.
In other words: In times trapped by a narcissist even the own mind works against you.
HG, did you hear about cognitive dissonance before? In German articles it is used a lot to explain the emphat’s addiction to the narcissist.
Thanks for your work.
I have heard it mentioned before, yes.
Basically cognitive dissonance is an emotional state that is perceived as unpleasant and that results from a person having multiple thoughts, perceptions, opinions, attitudes, wishes or intentions that are incompatible with each other.
The human mind is made for avoiding this state of cognitive dissonance. That’s why it “helps” the narcisstist to abuse his victim, because the victim’s brain tells her to balance those contradictions.
That’s why we suppress abusing and manipulation so easily.
Because our own mind prevents us from saving ourselves….😥
I think, it’s an important point for victims who can’t stop blaming themselves.
I hope, it’s understandable. I improve my English here, too! 🙃
I understand what it is, thank you.
So true
I never heard any of these—he just refused to speak to me!
“Sometimes I have dreams about you getting hurt.”
“This is my last opportunity to see you in this life.”
“Shame on you. You’re a horrible human being. What would your parents think if they saw you now?”
“How can I let you go when you’re this amusing?”
“She is going to regret telling lies about me.”
“I wouldn’t mind if you were sore tomorrow. You’d think of me.”
“Go ahead, trash me to everyone.”
“I knew you were damaged and being with you would be hard, but I decided you’d be worth it.”
“Now now, you won’t die.”
KD3
I am very serious when I say this, he is completely unworthy of you. You did not deserve to be played with like that. I am sorry you have those words echoing in your head, it is unjust. He was not worth it at all. May you find a wonderful, wonderful way to forget each one of those sentences.
Thanks for sharing, they are painful words but as you know we come full circle when we offload our rubbish here.
Hope you are much happier these days without him.
Sarah
I was told even if I’m not with him he’ll always be a part of me especially during sex. He took away my innocent way of thinking and I’ll never get it back.
AK
Boy does he have tickets on himself! Your innocence may have changed but your body and mind are your own and the beautiful thing is you can choose how you enjoy them. He will never be a part of the best chapter in your life, the one where he is gone from it!
Sarah
Unfortunately I heard almost all of these from narc 2 and when I just tried to type up a few in response to the article I went blank. Once again, it’s like having the air sucked from my lungs and I am speechless. I can’t remember. Such hate and so much damage.
Cyn, your soul is protecting you and stopps those horrible memories.
Love it for doing so and find something nice distracting. Going shopping for example…
I have to skip reading here today, too, because I can’t bare my emotional reaction to the articles. It was a sleepless night and a horrible morning and now we keep on saving and loving ourselves, don’t we?
Best those words are gone Cyn, it’s not like you want to use or remember them. The hate can hang around for a while – it is such a great motivator to do you and forget about them. They are such experts at depleting energy in others!