Something Does Not Feel Right

SOMETHING DOESN´T FEEL RIGHT

“I am left feeling I am not good enough”

“I am always waiting for him to call.”

“She never seems to listen to me.”

“I feel like I always have to respond straight away.”

“I do not feel settled.”

“I always feel like I am being scrutinised.”

“I feel like I am out of my depth.”

“I am always wondering whether he is serious or joking with me, I struggle to tell.”

“I cannot seem to think about anything other than him.”

“She makes me feel left out.”

“It seems like I am always running around after him.”

“I always feels like I have to please them.”

“I feel like I am on trial.”

“I find myself always having to explain myself.”

“It feels more like an obligation than a friendship.”

“I am often left wondering what is happening.”

“I am left feeling unsure of myself.”

“I feel like I am always on call for her.”

“I keep feeling jealous and that makes me feel bad.”

“I am anxious for him to leave her and be with me.”

“If I express an opinion I feel like I am being unfair in doing so.”

“It is great when we are together, but then am left feeling uncertain when we are apart.”

“I am sure he doesn’t mean to make me feel nervous, but I am.”

“I don’t think I am good enough.”

“I don’t want to let her down.”

“Nothing seems to bother him and I am such a worrier. I will put him off.”

“I don’t understand why he still keeps in touch with her, but I don’t feel I can say anything.”

“I am nervous I will mess this up and he is so wonderful.”

“It´s nothing specific, but there´s something that makes me uneasy. It is probably just me.”

Doubtless many of you will find some of the above comments will resonate with you.

You have been created with emotional empathy. This has formed the bedrock for your worldview and your perspective. This accords with a majority perspective and forms the basis for those subjective qualities of what is deemed as “good” and “bad”. Since you operate within the majority perspective it is your perspective of “good” and “bad” which prevails.

When you encounter something which contrasts with this majority perspective, you often do not see it as a clear, shining example. Instead, you have a “feeling” or a “gut instinct”. This is the manifestation of behaviour which clashes with your empathic world view. This is your alarm bell.

There are those of you whose alarm bell does not often ring at all, although you are limited in number. For most of those who are empathic, the alarm bell rings through some kind of feeling encapsulated by many of the phrases detailed above and more besides.

So far, so effective. You have an established worldview formed by your emotional empathy. When you encounter behaviour which contrasts with this empathic worldview, your alarm bell goes off. Where it is one of our kind (and it almost always is one of our kind) which has caused this alarm bell to sound, this is when the problem starts.

Your alarm bell sounds but you attribute it to the wrong cause.

You either think that the cause is an external reason for this alarm bell, such as

  • The individual is tired or exhausted
  • The individual is drunk
  • The individual is suffering from stress
  • The individual is suffering from grief or bereavement
  • The individual is under some kind of pressure
  • The individual suffers from anger management issues
  • The individual is highly strung

There are others besides.

The alternative is that you think the cause is an internal reason, namely your behaviour, such as

  • You are too sensitive
  • You have been hurt before
  • You are too direct
  • You think badly of people too quickly
  • You are too trusting
  • You were not listening
  • You judged too soon
  • You are tired, upset, stressed
  • You were insensitive to the needs of others
  • You were worried

There are others besides.

Accordingly, when your alarm bell rings, you end up attributing the sensation of something feeling wrong to either an external cause to that you are the problem.

This is incorrect.

It is akin to your burglar alarm going off and you think it was a passing cat or that you tripped the sensor yourself. It was the burglar.

Something which offends your worldview, offends the logic of your world. Your logic seeks to warn you by creating a feeling or a sensation (the alarm bell) so that you take action.

Unfortunately, two factors interfere in this warning system.

The first is a lack of understanding about the nature of the individual that is generating the behaviour which causes the alarm. The red flags that signal that it is a narcissist which is engaging in behaviours which are offending your worldview.

The second is the obscuring nature of your emotional thinking which does not want you to pay attention to the alarm´s actual source and instead diverts you to thinking it is the external source (incorrect) or your fault (also incorrect).

Your emotional thinking does not want you abiding by the logic of your world. It does not want you acting on the alarm by identifying the real cause (the narcissist) and then taking the logical step to avoid further harm (further feelings that something is wrong) by removing yourself from the real cause (the narcissist).

Your emotional thinking does not want to do what is best for you. It does not want you to know the actual source of the alarm nor act on that alarm. It wants you looking in the wrong place,e taking the incorrect course of action so that you remain interacting with the narcissist.

Your emotional thinking does not care about your physical health, your emotional contentment, your mental well-being or the state of your bank balance. It is not interested in you engaging with a healthy, normal and well-adjusted individual. That does not matter to your emotional thinking.

For a very unfortunate few of you, there is no inherent alarm system and you need to build one. It is hard work but achievable.

For the vast majority of you, you have the alarm system but it is infected and caused to malfunction by making you look in the wrong place for the problem and not act on the actual problem. Fortunately for you, this faulty alarm system can be corrected although it requires repeated and ongoing maintenance, which is naturally most worthwhile.

There is a valid reason why you feel something is not right. It is your early warning system, but it is not perfect and it is fundamental that you realise this and understand that it is here that you are able to perfect its operation.

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62 Comments

  1. I had others tell me to just let them (both narcs) spoil me. I have also always been very critical, and not knowing narc 1 one was really a narc when I divorced him, there was a part of me that thought maybe my critical and overly analytical nature had played a part in his ridiculous abuse. I wore that noose of guilt you have written about into my relationship with narc 2. Who presented differently. Mid-ranger. I saw the red flags, alarms went off, again I hit snooze button and thought this time I will be less critical, watch and wait, don’t overthink. Big mistake.

  2. My personal epiphany that has served me well is
    If you find yourself saying .
    .-“Who would DO that?!”
    It’s a narcissist.
    I point this out to friends often. They tell me if some behaviour- and I ask if it’s logical. Getting them to see it’s NOT is awesome bc they have this “a-ha!” look come over them.
    Recently a friend explained a weird instance of behaviour and I got her to see that since the explanation given by the narc wasn’t LOGICAL- it probably wasn’t the full truth . The “a-ha” look was princess. “I didn’t even think of that!” She said.

    Yup. LOGIC.

    My alarm system was always correct and I overlooked it bc
    A) I didn’t understand the narc didn’t “love” me and so therefore tried to abide his toxic logic
    B) I didn’t think I could do any better (due to my age, looks, income, location)
    C) I didn’t want to believe my alarm bells bc I liked the narc too much

    and
    D) I wasn’t crystal clear on the difference between my alarm bells and just plain old anxiety/excitement

  3. Thanks HG I cant believe you know so much about empathic individuals. Observing your victims must have really helped out. Not a single therapist would know these things like you thats why I do not go to one.. Knowing about their gut feelings and writing about everything. You are definitely a mind reader. Congrats!

      1. Very intelligent I might add. Do N have empathetic traits since Empaths have narcissistic traits . I thought I would ask since listening is an empathetic trait .

          1. Thank you HG! I do appreciate everything you do on your blog and consultations. I find that empathetic in my book. I do however understand that they dont have empathetic traits, they sure fake it though . If it wasnt for you I could never tell . Hugs

          2. That is tragic and a pity. In my mind’s eye I see your heart, with all of this beautiful, golden knowledge, trapped behind a plate of glass… wanting to perhaps tap on the glass but not able to even do so much as that.

            You are so unbelievably tuned in to the emotions of others that if you had empathy… you might possibly be the most perfect and beautiful human being in existence.

            I’m sad thinking of it but I’m not sad for you because I know you would not have it any other way.

      2. I wonder if I was trained (inherently emotionally built upon past interactions with a narcmom, Narcex, father of my child, and a narcexboss) to act & explode as my super empath self did (several times- hence why he (my one year former lover narc) thinks I am the narcissist or was it a learned reactionary response to being pushed too far as a solid empath super nova?!

      1. If you ask a lesser,mid,greater how good they are at reading people out of 10 say, would the greater be Morley likely to be modest like a 6/6.5. And why? To give the illusion they don’t?

          1. Ugh both annoying and wrong. But I know the answer anyway. I just like to hear you say it.

        1. My Lesser father used to say that he could “read anyone”. Truth is, HE DID NOT HAVE A F*%*ING CLUE. He had three or four basic categories he would put people into. Example: woman wearing short skirt and high heels = whore. Man wearing fitting clothes = homosexual.

          1. EmP

            Thanks for the laugh (although I know you were being serious in that that’s what he thought).

  4. This is so very interesting. 25 years in and I’m still vulnerable to the fog that sweeps in and I get lost in it, even though HG you showed me what i was dealing with 3 years ago when I came across this site. Every day away from him is a win. Every day of no contact I praise myself.

  5. Great work, HG, as if you were listening to my thoughts.
    Thanks to your education I found out about our boss having a narcissistic personality, too.
    Today there was a staff meeting without the school administration, because of all the problems with his authoritarian and manipulative management style.
    Since my abuser was in the room, I tried to name facts and explain the principle’s personality without my narc feeling addressed.
    (By the way, my colleagues were quite impressed about my comprehensive knowledge….)

    I’m afraid, I couldn’t manage and expect the certainly coming next hard triangulation scene and other wellknown forms of devaluation.

    So then I find myself working with my narcissistic abuser and his current IPPS under a narcissistic principal.

    But my logical thinking is winning fights against my emotional thinking day by day and I will leave this year as a different person than I used to be.

    I wouldn’t have managed without my reading lessons here in your blog.
    Thank you for your work, HG Tudor.

      1. Question to everyone:
        Today the IPPS asked me for a conversation, because “our friendship and me as a person were too important for her”, so that she would dare to step over my request to cancel contact.
        I was too surprised and overwhelmed to reject her, additionally I have watched her devaluation on facebook already.

        I just can’t imagine him to want that conversation, because I only need to put my phone on the table with our communication open and she would see what she is sleeping with.
        His manipulation in my direction continued directly after they were in a formal relationship.
        Or do you think, this conversation was the narc’s idea, sending her to give me a final kill?
        I trust nobody anymore who tells me, I was important for him/her because of me as a person (although I know her as an empath). I’m quite confused.

        1. You are confused because your emotional thinking is still high because you are continuing to engage with the narcissist. Arrange a consultation with me and I will assist you in terms of perfecting your no contact regime, removing your confusion and explaining what is happening in these interactions.

  6. This one should be flashing on billboards around the world! It is spot on as they say over the pond. The many reasons for overlooking the alarm bell are described in other articles by HG. Maybe If I try a little harder, who wants to start over again at this point in life, but the sex is so fabulous can I do without that?, There’s nobody else out there that I really want to date, I will just start emotionally detaching and looking for another while I gradually separate from the narcissist. For those that are married and have families involved and children… It gets even more difficult to leave.
    Intermittent reinforcement is a tough addiction to break. Thanks again H G I love the lists😊

    1. Thank you Joanne, I appreciate your efforts in seeking to bring my work to a wider audience which very much needs this information.

      1. You know what, HG, after your poll on retaliation the other day, I’ve been thinking that instead of dreaming of taking him down by way of empowering his ex (something which I’ll never even do), I should apply my efforts toward spreading the word everywhere.

  7. HG, you need to become a therapist if you aren’t one slready. The way you explain things is really helpful.

    1. Thank you Maria. I am not one. I would actually be hindered if I was a therapist in providing solutions to people. I am hugely effective for my readers in the way that I operate now through the manner in which I write and the information provided in consultations, but I appreciate the sentiment of what you have written.

    2. I was in marriage therapy with my Narc (before GOSO) for over a yr.
      It made me feel worse! Today’s couple therapists need education. They don’t focus on the Narc’s behavior. If that is never addressed, the couciling is a stage for blame shifting, devalue you whilst snowing the therapist FGS!
      I was never separately talked to about the possibly of getting out. Hindsight, it was extremely dangerous to just gloss over what was happening to ME amidst the Narc’s behavior.
      Counseling was another avenue of entertainment and manipulation for my ex. In fact,he wanted to be re embersed his co pays for that therapy in the divorce. You can’t make this stuff up.

      By the grace of happenstance I found this site.

      1. Well stated Kensey. You get accurate answers here. Most therapists are unhelpful at best and harmful at worst. Way more bang for your buck here when you’re dealing with a narcissist.

        1. MB—most therapists are as helpful as tits on a boar. Like they are enlightened Buddha figures! It’s a f*^%### joke.

  8. The narc never directly told me “you need to respond to me immediately”, “you need to do exactly what I want or I’ll leave”, “you must never ask me for support”, “I don’t have time for your problems”, etc, but I always felt this way. Since he never said those things I though it was me being paranoid. And, sure enough, he discarded me as soon as I stood up to him and started expecting him to be there for me.

  9. Most of the people that were turned onto NPD as the cause of relationship woes had to Google cheating, ghosting, sleep rape, whatever it may be. If this were to be shared in the mainstream, people would know what that feeling is before it got to such a critical point. It’s a wonderful article to introduce people to HGs work. This will resonate with nearly everyone that reads it.

    1. The first time I ever came across the words ‘sleep rape’ was during reading SATN. I was quite shocked as I was unaware that people considered that to be rape. It has happened to me, as I awoke to men having sex with me, and I enjoyed it and encouraged it. I don’t know how often it may have happened that I did not wake up.

      Even when I was a little out of control and my biker boyfriend would carry me out of the situation to undress me somewhere and have sex with me, I never considered that a rape. I only now understand that other people might.

      I assume not many women agree with my views on sexuality. I’m not sure what drives my sexuality and perhaps others consider it unusual; maybe even depraved. I really don’t know. It also is often contradictory to my own main persona. Do you have any thoughts to add on this?

          1. I need more information from you to be able to provide you with accurate input and invite you to arrange a consultation with me for the purposes of discussing this.

      1. Njfilly, I had never heard of sleep rape until I got here. I have very little sexual experience so I am definitely not the one to comment. I don’t judge anybody’s sexual preferences or how they choose to enjoy themselves as long as it doesn’t involve children or animals.

    2. True MB! I never knew what NPD was Until I started googling things I was experiencing with the narc. It’s such a bummer when you figure it out and have invested so much of your heart… I didn’t want to just walk away without giving it a try and then I probably got more addicted while trying to figure out what the heck was going on. It’s amazing how my anxiety level has gone to just about zero again. Thinking back about how all of the uncertainty caused so much anxiety and fog.

    3. MB
      Exactly. Awareness that NPD exists and that it is far more prevalent than one would imagine, would definitely help to eliminate all the guesswork and self-blame….or at least reduce it. In my case, I had the exposure to narcissism via the experiences with my stepfather, so I made the connection as soon as we entered “Stranger Mode.” Maybe if NPD was part of my everyday awareness I wouldn’t have ignored all the alarm bells going off inside me right from the beginning.

  10. One of the best! This really resonated with me.
    Your ability to see our perspective is quite amazing.

  11. So so true. I said most of these before I got an inkling anything was a miss and when I was in the NIPSS pre DLS stage. Didn’t realise what it was until way after escape and on the way to healing.
    Just before the end I began to get a rash on my chest and neck and I would shake if I was near him. I thought it was adrenaline and excitement. Now I know differently.

  12. So true HG. It’s validating to have you explain exactly how we feel and to educate us on what is taking place. Looking back on my engagements with narcs, there were signs from the beginning that something wasn’t right yet I was so quick to overlook them/explain them away. Thank you for educating us on what we’re fighting and giving us the tools to GOSO.

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