For The Sake Of Argument

FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT

Would you like to know what is going through my mind when we argue? Thought you would.

I do enjoy an argument. I love to start a squabble, a contretemps and escalate it to a quarrel through to an altercation, a fight ! By now I am sure you have realised that the reason I do this is twofold. First, I am provoking an emotional reaction from you which gives me fuel. Secondly, it enables me to put you in your place and control you by being abusive towards you. I keep it within the realms of stinging and barbed verbal abuse but there are those of my brethren who do like to let their fists do the talking. That is not my style but we cannot shy away from the truth of what is being done in the name of “a discussion”.

I know from experience and also from reading numerous comments and observations that you regard arguing with me akin to banging your head against a brick wall. You cannot understand the stance we adopt in an argument. Surely we must recognise that what we are saying makes no sense? Do we not realise that our position lacks logic? I will endeavour to enlighten you. I recognise two types of argument. The first is created by me. The second is created by you. What they both have in common is you are at fault.

In the first type I generate an argument out of nothing. You find this disorienting and confusing. In fact,I will often do this after we have just done something delightful together (throwing you from a height is all the more delicious – see Get Ready To Drop). I will invent some offence (why did you just look at that man across from us, when you did not) or I will seize on something utterly trivial (thanks for taking that last drop (and it was a drop) of the sauvignon blanc). I will level the accusation at you. You will at first be stunned because everything was going swimmingly. You will then be perplexed as my accusation is either untrue or so minor to be negligible. Why is he getting so het up over nothing? Indignance will then rise inside you as your inner self questions whether you are just going to sit and take this unjust accusation. I am shouting at you now and you either run away or fight back. It might go something like this.

“Oh thanks for taking the last of the wine, I wanted that. I have hardly had any.”

“Sorry? There was only a drop left.”

“But you didn’t ask me if I wanted it did you?”

“I didn’t think to, there was just a dribble.”

“You didn’t think? That’s the trouble with you. You never think.”

“Oh come on, besides you’ve had plenty of wine anyway.”

“Are you saying I have a drink problem?”

“Woah, where did that come from?”

“You. You are always doing this. You do something selfish and then turn it into an attack about me. Just because you cannot stand for someone to point out when you have done something wrong.”

“Good God, what are you talking about?”

“That’s it, try to dismiss me when I am making a valid point.”

“I only poured a drop of wine into my glass. It is not big deal. Here, if it troubles you so much, have what is left in my glass.”

“No, it’s too late. The damage is done. You are trying to make light of when I am pointing something out to you.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Oh I am ridiculous am I, well that’s rich coming from someone who drinks a bottle, at least one, a day.”

“Where do you get that from? No I don’t.”

“Yes you do. I am concerned about your drinking, have you ever considered getting some help?”

And on it goes.

When I start an argument like this I am not interested in proving what I am saying is correct. I am already right in my mind. You should note that ‘right’ and ‘correct’ are not necessarily the same thing. The whole purpose of this type of argument is for me to upset you and turn an otherwise pleasant experience into a horrible one. This is about exerting control so that you become wary about upsetting me. Next time you will always ensure you offer to pour me a glass of wine before tending to yourself for fear of causing an argument. Of course,, the next time I will be arguing about how you took the last profiterole instead even though I had eaten five more than you already.

The second type of argument is where you level a complaint or accusation at me. Invariably what you say is correct and you have valid grounds for raising it. You will also do so in a calm and level-headed fashion because that is your style. When you do this I do not hear what you are actually saying to me. The validity of your argument is meaningless to me. The piece of paper that documents your point may as well be written in Sanskrit for all the notice I will take of it. All I hear is you criticising me and I hate that. I absolutely hate it. How dare someone like you, who is inferior to someone like me, have the audacity to suggest I have done something wrong. I do not hear your words, I do not see the video recording you are playing back, all I hear is an unjust and scathing attack on me. Your words are drowned out by the raging fire that surges through me. The noise of the flames renders me deaf to your cool logic. I will deflect, deny and launch my own attacks (usually predicated on inventions) in order to beat you back. I am not interested in the correctness of what is being argued about. I am only interested in stopping the burning sensation I feel from your criticism and to do that I have to extinguish you. This is when I lose control and lash out. I will hurl savage insults at you and I will smash items of property (in my mind I am smashing you, just another object in front of me when I do this) and some of my kind will engage in physical violence. You will try to make me see that I am wrong (any healthy person would do this) and you are utterly flabbergasted as to why I cannot see what you are saying to me. Now you know. I cannot see because of the fiery rage that has erupted.

How do you deal with me in these two types of argument? Well, I am saving that information for another time. In the meanwhile, see if you can piece together that ornament I just have hurled against the wall.

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13 Comments

  1. Yes, I have certainly seen versions of this. I try to “oh look at the time….I’ve got to run”
    Now when this happens now.
    Yes, yes, no contact would be better….

  2. Dear Mr Tudor,
    Our “greater” friends invited us for drinkies yesterday
    We were all engrossed in the middle of a discussion, then right out of left field (and the greater looking directly at me) said “who does your eyebrows” ?
    Startled, I replied “pardon” !!!! ….. “where did that come from” ?
    Him … “I was curious”
    Me … “that was random”
    Him …. “I’m not normal”
    Me …. “we know you’re not normal Reggie” …..haha
    He persisted, then finally mumbled words under his breath half covering it with his hand
    Me …. “what was that you said” ? …as he’s sniggering
    Wife interjects ….. “oh he always talks with his mouth half covered at home, I can never hear him, don’t you Reginald …. haha ” ?

    He then proceeded to try and “stir” another topic of conversation, clearly he was in a “mood” (other times he has a go at Mr Bubbles) …. we allowed him a bit of fun, then deflected …haha
    It’s more “entertaining” when you know what they are, we just don’t take him seriously

    Thank you Mr Tudor for “embracing” us with the “power” …. you never know when you’ll need it … haha
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. being aware of my helplessness when it comes to human interactions, i made the big mistake of telling him that i don’t like unecessary drama, that if he doesn’t like something i’v done, he just have to tell me directly.
    i know that many couples like the dispute reconciliation game , and each one expects the other to read there minde, i don’t, i like to solve a problem when there is a real one. and if there is a pronlem, i want to solve it, not contemplate it. i despise the childish pouting and sulking.
    he said ok, but did the exacte contrary, his main weapon was sulking, and saying there is no problem when i ask him what the matter.

  4. How do you deal with me in these two types of argument? Well, I am saving that information for another time.

    Looking forward! Don t take to long.. 😉

    Yes this happened so so sooo many times to me, it finally made me doubt about myself and for to prevent these discustions I changed my way of acting, you get not only isolated from friends and kids, also from yourself. Your true essence.

    It is amazing how we emotional thinking persons start doubting in this way about ourselves….
    My Intuition then told me so many times, I even wrote down in a diary:

    “There are things about him that are not right, or,
    Again I took distance from him because I just do not now how to handle his way of behaviour.
    And then I wrote :

    AGAIN he is capable to get close to him….

    I asked that so many times, how come I was not able to listen to my Intuition. The conclusión I made:

    When we fall in love and that love is being responded it such an amazing way it is logical to trust that person instead of what you might feel. Even more so if you do NOT have a clue what is happening.

    I remember HG wrote about the amount of messages, so much that that would be out of proportion… That made me laugh, because I love that and I did it aswell…. 😉

    Now it would be different though, not the messages but trusting my Intuition.
    We also have never learned to trust and listen to that inner voice…
    I LEARNED THAT NOW in the hard way🤷🏼‍♀️

    Thanks to all this errible truth what I am going through I am now finding out how my childhood is conected with all this. And there is for me the key from where it all comes from…

    Starting to be aware of the way my mom treated me and the consequences of that.
    The trauma bond created then and the influences in my development as an adult.

    My mom was never there for me no support no empathy and I have felt myself for so many years so lonely!
    Though that was normal and Therefor “normal” my relationship with HIM.
    Because of my childhood experiences I became the person I am now a day and that made me a perfect blanc (un blanco perfecto) for the NARCISSIST. Low esteem, Insecure, co dependency etc etc.
    That with my core believe of not knowing better and it s me, always it was my fault… Makes, Made me a perfect blanc for Mr NP!

    And now it is up to me to take 💯 responsibility!!! 😃
    To accept that I can Not change my mom neither Mr NP neither my kids in what they think and do… Only I control my perspective about myself and how I decide to put myself in the world…

    And there I am…. 🤪

    Learning to love myself in a way I never have!

    Thanks again HG for sharing and your effort of writing this.

    “see if you can piece together that ornament I just have hurled against the wall.” 😄

    That is the narcissist and his humor?

    I still did NOT FIND the artículo about it.
    Neither the one about sex and the narcissist.

    If somebody, I know HG is very busy, can explain how I can find them, I do appreciate that.
    Don t see the search option.
    Perhaps because I do all from my phone…..

    With love Susanne ✨

    1. Scroll downwards on your phone, past the 5 or so articles, you will see “Older Posts” then “Blog Stats” and there nestles the search function.

      1. … Found it.. 😃🤪🙏 Thnx

        The article about sex and the narcissist exists or is there only a book about it!?..

        1. Susanne AP
          It’s a book, and one that should be required reading. Imperative that people understand this facet of the dynamic. Fascinating.

  5. Pingback: For The Sake Of Argument ⋆ NarcTopia

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