The Final Discard. Except It´s Not.

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“He told me he never wanted to see me again so long as he was alive. That is it. This time it  really is over.”

“She told me I was useless, pathetic, that she hated me and she would call the police if I came near her again. I don’t understand what is going on, but all I know that is the absolute end.”

“He made it clear that there is no future for us, that he cannot stand the sight of me and that he wants me packed and gone by morning. This is it. It really is it, this time.”

“She has taken everything and left me a letter explaining that she cannot do it any more, that she needs to find herself, whatever that means and there is no future for us together. I knew this was coming, I could tell, I have been given the final discard.”

The final discard. The curtain of conclusion. The guillotine of totality.

It really is over.

So often victims of our kind distinguish between being discarded and then there is (await dramatic music) the FINAL discard. There is being kicked to one side by us but the prospect of being hoovered back in and then there is the final discard whereby you have been removed from your association with us and it is the end of the entanglement and there will be no more engagement between you and I.

Victims often consider declaring that this time is the final discard and they do this for two reasons, which, interestingly are conflicting.

The first reason is that they desperately hope that it is not the final discard at all and that when they explain to whoever is listening to them recount the minute my minute dynamic of this final discard, that the person will tell them that it is not. The victim is hoping that the listener will provide some cogent reason, some piece of evidence which will explain that it cannot be the final discard and thus fulfil that which blazes at the heart of all empathic individuals; hope.

The victim does not want the entanglement to end. He or she cannot bear the pain. They do not want this to be their exile, their abandonment or their expulsion. They want to remain with us but fear that this time it really is the end and they are crying out for somebody to tell them that it is not, just so they can cling to a hope.

The second reason is because the victim does indeed hope that it is over so they are freed from our monstrous clutches. They want that to be the end. The victim, either at the time or sometime after this final discard, having gained some knowledge and understanding, ascertains that what they did caused significant wounding (although often they are wrong about that) and that this wounding was to such a degree that it sent us packing with our tail between our legs, skulking away, broken, humiliated and shame pouring from us, so that we will never, ever dare risk returning to you. The victim concludes that what they did has sent us packing and we will not darken their doorstep or inbox again. It is an understandable conclusion to reach.

There is no such thing as a final discard.

There is no such thing as a discard.

There is only ever dis-engagement.

This is because in our minds you belong to us and the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until you die or we die. That is only when finality applies to our connection. You are our property. You are our fuelling appliance. You are good and then you are bad. You are of use and then you are of no use. And then you are of use again.

We have invested time and energy in you. We want to reap the benefits time and time again.

If you are our primary source, we will dis-engage with you. We paint you black and do not want anything more to do with you at that time. It may appear as if we have ‘discarded’ you, but it is merely the termination of the Formal Relationship. You are not our girlfriend, partner, wife any longer. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. We do not draw fuel from you, we do not take your character traits, we do not take your residual benefits. You are deleted as we enter a golden period with a new primary source.

If you are an intimate secondary source, we will dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf, back in the cupboard, ready for the next time we want to engage with you. You are not deleted. You are just not required. For now. There is no discard. You usually are not devalued. If you are, then you have offended us and there will be a dis-engagement and a termination of the Formal Relationship of booty call, friend with benefits, shag partner.

If you are a non-intimate secondary source, we dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf again until the next time we wish to engage with you. Most NISSs do not notice this happen because they regard it as a natural lull in between meeting up, speaking and so forth. Again, it is rare for the NISS to be devalued, but if you are, then you have offended us and the Formal Relationship is terminated. You are no longer our friend.

If you are a tertiary source be it intimate or non-intimate, you will be put to one side as we dis-engage. There is no Formal Relationship to terminate. We may return to you or we may not. It depends on our fuel needs.

Thus, you need to understand that there is only ever a dis-engagement. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. If there is no devaluation, we consider the Formal Relationship to remain in place – thus you remain our booty call, our friend – but we have no need to call on you at the present time. If there is devaluation, then the Formal Relationship is over – you are no longer our wife, you are not our boyfriend, you are not the friend or friend with benefits and we dis-engage.

It is usually us who decide on this dis-engagement. Whether there is devaluation and dis-engagement or just dis-engagement, it is invariably us that makes this decision. If you reject us then it is an escape and of course we will endeavour to hold on to you.

What though of the situation where you have actually wounded us considerably, either as we dis-engaged or more likely, when you make your escape? Surely that brings about finality? That must mean we do not want to engage with you any longer because you have mortally wounded us and as a consequence if you did this as we dis-engaged with you, then we will never return yes? If you did it as part of the escape you implemented, then is it not correct to state that we will not hoover you?

No.

As mentioned many times, there is always a risk that we will come back and hoover you. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger activated by you entering a sphere of influence. Thereafter, the Hoover Execution Criteria has to be achieved. This includes various matters to balance, some increasing the risk of meeting the criteria, others diminishing that risk.

This includes

  • the type of narcissist you are dealing with
  • how your fuel was regarded
  • whether you provided character traits
  • whether you provided residual benefits
  • whether you are with somebody new
  • whether you have recovered from a position of being broken or not
  • how easy it is to contact you
  • how easy it is to make physical contact with you
  • whether we know you have been lamenting our dis-engagement
  • whether you have been angry about our dis-engagement
  • whether there are outstanding issues – money, property etc
  • whether there are obstacles
  • whether there is a risk of wounding

Thus you can see the savage wounding you may have inflicted on the last occasion we interacted is but a consideration in the criteria. Yes, it may well be an important consideration when viewed against the other criteria but it will not itself amount to a final discard.

No matter how damning we were about you, how we may well have used words such as “never”, “do not”, “forever” or “always”, we are pragmatists. It is the practical need of fuel which governs all that we do. Contradiction and hypocrisy do not concern us. We can perform a 180 degree turn, a volte face or a complete turnaround and it matters not. Those were yesterday’s words.

We do not discard.

We will always come back IF the Hoover Trigger is activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.

There is no final discard.

And that is my final word on the matter.

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18 Comments

  1. So even though I KNOW it shouldn’t, this brings me comfort. I don’t want it to. I want to move on but I can’t. I have suffered dreadfully and spent time in a psychiatric hospital but still something inside me aches for him.
    This man who threw me aside, homeless, penniless and jobless still consumes me.
    And yes…. I’ve read. And I’ve read. And I’ve watched. And I’ve listened.
    It’s like I’m bound to him
    I want to hate him. No actually I don’t want to think anything about him.
    And then the idea that he hasn’t cut me off for good….

    1. Rachel – hi there – sorry you are stuck in this self destructive cycle of thoughts about being bound to a narcissist. The thoughts you have do not equate with reality; they are symptomatic of something you are telling yourself and reinforcing through your emotional thinking but they are not real. You have powerful autonomy if only you will choose it.
      Imagine if you spent as much time thinking about your robust no contact regime as you did entertaining the idea of a Hoover?! The N is an emotional drug dealer – how much of this drug are you still taking? How often do you check his social media, fantasise about him, talk to friends about him? You can read as much as you like about recovery from addiction, however if you keep dabbling in the drug you will never be drug free.
      Go no contact, fill up your diary with personal goals, dinners, your kids (if you have them), activities, family and friends. Once you go no contact then start your reading again, you will be reading through a different lens this time around. You will be focused on your freedom and wholly invested in your future as far away from him as possible. No contact is vital – you can’t get to the end of this nightmare without it. You can’t keep trying to convince yourself you are bound to him and recover from this – it won’t happen.
      Buy your own biscuit and enjoy every delicious piece of it, don’t sit around waiting for him to bite into his and drop a few crumbs on your plate. This guy is a narcissist, a using, abusing, coward – it is dangerous to allow your thoughts to bind you to him. Fight these thoughts and fight hard for your freedom. You will recover from this addiction if you make friends with logic and allow yourself to bleed out the unhelpful fantasies that keep you stuck in narc-hell.
      I am in your corner – I know it is not easy but I also know it can be done and you can do it!!
      Sarah

      1. I assumed from Rachel’s post that she has been reading, watching, and listening to HG’s work rather than reading about “recovery from addiction.”

        I also assumed from her post she had come quite far and is not in touch with a narc, but that knowledge and ET about the supposed Final Discard allow for a stupid “hope” to exist that the narc will return.

        That “hope” even I have at times. The practice/use of logic gets me through these less and less frequent instances . . . and they *are* instances, now, thankfully.

        A consult with HG was especially helpful in helping me implement and maintain this practice.

        1. A letter to “Dear Relationship Advice Expert!”

          Dear RAE! My husband is verbally and physically abusive, beats me up every week, cheats and steals money from me. Now he has left me, yet again, and went to some whore. Dear RAE, how do I get him back?

          P.S. Would be funny if it wasn’t so sad…🤭
          P.P.S. Not about my husband 😂

        2. Hi Lisk – my comment re: ‘reading’ was referencing HG’s work re: emotional thinking and addiction to a narc e.g., love sex addiction. I hope that provides clarification if it was unclear.

    2. Rachel, you say “ I want to move on but I can’t.”

      I wonder if it’s the other way around: You CAN move on but you don’t want to.

      If it’s the former and really what you say, then maybe it’s time for a consult with HG.

      If it’s the latter, well, I don’t know what to say, except that you’ll move on when you’re good and ready.

    3. Rachel: The man you think you love doesn’t exist. Been there, done that. Doesn’t mean you are at fault: he took YOUR wonderful qualities, the good things in YOU, and reflected them back at you. Give yourself credit for good taste: you had admirable ideals, admirable enough that someone knew it was worth disguising himself in them to get you hooked.

      This is what they do. Keep reading Narcsite. Once you learn how they work, it hurts a lot less. Much of what HG writes makes for uncomfortable reading, but it can also be a tremendous relief to find out that the perceptions the narcissist taught you to doubt had some basis in reality. You weren’t imagining the mixed messages or the glimpses of emptiness when the mask would slip.

      Breaking a narc addiction is just as painful as any other addiction. You long for the very thing that is bad for you, destroys your career or social life, possibly even puts your life in danger. We are all in various stages of recovering from narc addiction, or we wouldn’t be here.

    4. I’m so sorry for what has happened to you and for what you are still feeling.

      You’re not alone Rachel, though I know that it feels that way.

      Keep reading. Keep learning. Keep busy and take extra good care of yourself.

      It does get better with time.

  2. So true. This month is one year anniversary post escape. Just got message from fake profile on a site I’m on where only friends have certain access asking “How has your year been?” Blocked. They never stop. A hit of thought fuel was all he needed, must have been running low somewhere lol. Block block block.

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