You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

10 thoughts on “Tenacity

  1. Lj says:

    Yes, this is me for the last 18 years. Even as he now sits in jail on attempted murder charges after strangling me several times in a rage that I accused him of cheating again and refused to believe his lies. And even now, I take his collect calls, and try to get answers that make any sense, and listen to more false promises and declarations of undying love and being his soulmate and even still consider the possibility of bailing him out and taking him back. As he begs for my empathy and help and I remind him of his lack of empathy when he thought he found a replacement for me and left me for 6 weeks and laughed while I sobbed begging him to come home. I know this is insanity and I don’t know how to stop it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are in the right place to bring a halt to this LJ and you should organise a consultation as a matter of priority to achieve the assistance you require.

  2. FYC says:

    Tenacity (combined with reason) has its rewards in every area of life except when dealing with narcissism. Tenacity combined with hope can be a dangerous combo for empaths. The desire to love, forgive, fix/heal, bring peace/happiness/joy is strong for the empath, but remain ineffective when applied to the narcissist. How many lives have been spent trying to turn that key only to find the lock is continually changed? Better to apply one’s tenacity to no contact and remember that happiness is an inside job. One cannot change the defense mechanism of another by any means. Core defense mechanisms are adopted for survival and therefore remain regardless of any other’s love or tenacity.

    1. MB says:

      Well stated, FYC. You’re always so eloquent. I appreciate and enjoy your contributions here.

      1. FYC says:

        Most kind of you to say, MB, thank you very much. I have always enjoyed your contributions as well, and I hope you return to the private forum where you have been missed lately.

  3. Dorion says:

    I think this tenacity is the biggest bane and blessing of some people. It makes them stuck in destructive situations and engage repeatedly, but it is also the power that helps them eventually get out and recover. Narcissists also have an addiction but don’t seem to have this drive, this belief in a better future, so they never change.

  4. Charlene P says:

    Oh this is me…cringing reading this but everything you write rings SO accurate keeps giving clarity. I can’t push proof away anymore, my soul won’t let me. I guess
    Clarity is key –

  5. Ashley says:

    This was me! I cringe. I did it all because I’d rather hate doing something than have him criticize me for not doing it. I just wanted the admiration I used to get. I didn’t see how sad that was, because I thought the beginning was attainable again.

  6. guera714 says:

    Every day, no matter how battered I am from the previous day of denigration, I wake up with renewed hope. Hope is the thing that lead me into the shell of a person I see in the mirror. None of my self-help, fixing myself, praying, or speaking a better marriage into existence works, because this is not a normal relationship. I need to get out of this trap. This site is very helpful and I read and re-read your articles so I can get my heart to match what my brain is learning.

    1. MB says:

      Guera714, keep reading, it will build and reinforce your logic defenses. No amount of hoping will make your relationship healthy. It is heartbreaking to learn that a narcissist can’t change and even more painful to realize they don’t have the capacity to love. Stay here with us. It is not an easy journey, but you can do this.

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