The Creation of Narcissism : To Control is to Cope
It is important to understand the creation of a narcissist. To deal with and to address the vagaries of life, human beings have developed coping mechanisms. These coping mechanisms vary in terms of the extent of their use, their impact on the user, the impact on others and the frequency of their deployment. Some coping mechanisms are regarded as ‘healthy’ and others as ‘unhealthy’ and some may be a hybrid of the two, dependent on the extent and duration of usage.
Distancing is a coping mechanism. You may distance yourself from a situation and people, but prolonged and extensive distancing may lead to isolation with the associated problems which such isolation can bring. Short-term distancing can allow recovery, re-charging and avoidance of an ongoing harmful situation. Longer-term distancing which is targeted on one or more chief proponents of harm can lead to near complete removal from toxic and harmful influences. No contact of course is a coping mechanism which incorporates distancing as a central tenet of it and is the most effective coping mechanism to apply with regard to your recovery from ensnarement with our kind.
Crying is another coping mechanism. The release of tension, held-grief, feelings of misery often evaporate as a consequence of somebody crying. You may be told ‘have a good cry, you will feel better’ and indeed many people have testified to the beneficial impact of doing so and thus crying achieves release and often acts as a signal to invite comfort from others. It is a coping mechanism deployed by people to deal with a stressful, worrying or hurtful situation.
Self-harming is a further form of coping. The distraction caused by the painful response of cutting (cutting being just one form of self-harming) enables an individual to relieve the pain of certain other feelings, it achieves a release, a distraction and also enables that individual to exert control in circumstances where they feel unable to exert control (or to the extent that would make them feel comfortable). Self-harming whilst a coping mechanism is regarded as a negative form of a coping mechanism.
Expression of feelings. Being able to ‘talk it out’ and ‘air your feelings’ is a coping mechanism also. The ability to talk to someone else who will just listen, even if they offer nothing in response or even just to talk to yourself about how you are feeling (be it generally or in relation to something specific) enables people to experience a sense of release, a lightening of a particular load and it often brings clarity in terms of understanding themselves and finding a way forward.
There are many coping mechanisms that humans deploy – some are conscious and others occur unconsciously.
Narcissism is one such coping mechanism and it is a powerful and invariably hugely effective, although its effectiveness does depend on the school of the narcissist and which particular outcome one is having regard to. The outcome of our narcissism is something that I shall address in a separate article.
Narcissism must maintain the construct (the false self) and imprison the creature (the true self). Collectively this is the Self-Defence of the Narcissist. This Self-Defence is achieved through the The Prime Aims(fuel, , control, character traits and residual benefits). Our creation is based on this.
Central to this Self-Defence and the achievement of The Prime Aims is control. The narcissist must at all times have control of his or her environment and the people within that environment which of course includes you. Whether you are a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, a colleague, a relative or a romantic partner. Whether you are a neighbour, a date, sister or brother, that man from the corner store or fiancée – you come within the fuel matrix of the narcissist and you have to be subjected to the control of the narcissist.
This control has to be exerted second by second of each and every day. Every passing moment must be owned and governed by the narcissist. We must exert control all around us, this has to be complete and total as if the very clouds were tethered by us. Why is that?
Because once upon a time the narcissist did not have control. This lack of control, spawned our creation.
That lack of control meant the narcissist felt powerless, weak, vulnerable and exposed.
The combination of a genetic predisposition and the imposition of this lack of control created narcissism as the coping mechanism. These two ingredients combined and gave ‘birth’ to narcissism as a means of coping with the world, with the lack of control that the world causes for individuals. Many people have no issue with this lack of control, others have alternative coping mechanisms and then there is us – the narcissists. Around one in six of the human population of this planet became narcissists in order to cope with this loss of control.
The creation of narcissism allows the imposition of control through manipulation. The imposition of control allows us to achieve the Prime Aims. The achievement of the Prime Aims allows our Self-Defence and thus we survive and we thrive.
The creation of narcissism gives the narcissist a coping mechanism.
People believe that abuse is the ingredient in the creation of a narcissist. It is an ingredient, yes, but there are two ingredients in the formation of our kind. The first ingredient is the genetic predisposition, if you will this is the fertile soil which provides the basis for the narcissism to grow and flourish. The second ingredient is the lack of control (of which abuse is part of that lack of control) and this is the ‘seed’ which is placed in the fertile soil of the genetic predisposition and thus there is the creation of the narcissism as it ‘grows’ as the coping mechanism. For some, the soil is there but no seed ever arrives and thus no creation of narcissism. For others, there is no soil but there is the seed, but again with one essential ingredient missing, there can be no creation of narcissism.
Genetic predisposition plus lack of control (at a formative stage of life) equals the creation of the narcissist.
What does this lack of control (at a formative stage of life – i.e. childhood) look like?
- Abuse. Whether it is physical, emotional, sexual or psychological, any form of abuse towards us amounts to a lack of control. We could not defend ourselves against the abuse and therefore this is a lack of control, over ourselves and over those who meted out abusive harm towards us. The abuse is an act of commission – we were beaten, molested sexually, told we were useless, insulted etc.
- Isolated. Whether this was being locked in a cupboard under the stairs, prevented from playing with other children, kept apart from other family members, not allowed to participate in group activities of any nature, given silent treatments and treated as if we did not exist, isolating and ostracising us in some form again constituted a lack of control. We were not able to control our own interactions, someone else did this for us and to our detriment. We were controlled by another and thus lacked control.
- Neglect. Whilst there may not have been abusive acts of commission , there are abusive acts of omission. Therefore we were not given a safe environment, we were not taught effectively (be it about ‘facts’, relationships, behaviour, responsibility), we were not emotionally supported, we were not fed, clothed or protected, we were not shielded from an abuser of commission and/or we could roam where we wanted. Once again we were denied control over ourselves because we were not provided with the assets, resources and tools to achieve effective control over our lives and this neglect (lack of control) exposed us to hurt, pain, disease, injury, loneliness and/or acts of abuse through commission.
- The Golden Child. Everything we did was lauded and praised. It was invariably held up as a glowing and shining example of brilliance, even when it was not or the praise was excessive for a valid achievement. This meant we lacked control in the sense of earning achievements in a valid fashion. We had greatness thrust upon us without being ready for it, without having earned it and without appreciating it. Everything came to us too easily and this also amounted to a lack of control. We had no control over the outcome from our endeavours, we felt no compulsion to achieve and apply endeavour because whatever we did (bad, mediocre or good) was met with accolade, praise and the lavishing of ‘how brilliant’. We were denied the ability to control our own destiny.
- Shifting Sands. Where we experienced Shifting Sands we had a lack of control because the environment around us at that formative stage lacked constancy. One day the sun shone and the next day, even though everything else appeared to stay the same to us, there was a thunderstorm. On Monday our painting was declared to be ‘Rembrandt in the making’ (a la Golden Child) and by Friday our painting ‘was the work of a moron wielding a potato for a paintbrush’. The application of black and white thinking by the aggressor created an uncertain environment, one of push and pull, idealisation and devaluation and we had no control whatsoever on which version was going to appear to us. There was a lack of control in our lives through uncertainty, unpredictability and those shifting sands.
- B Graders. ‘It’s good but not good enough.’ ‘You can do far better.’ ‘You are not trying hard enough.’ ‘You are letting yourself down but moreover you are letting me down.’ These phrases and those similar to it encapsulate the loss of control felt by those who are ‘The B Graders’. Each time the hill was climbed and the summit anticipated, another hill suddenly appeared. The effort was okay, decent enough, acceptable but never that which met with approval. Keep going, learn more, be faster, swim stronger, climb higher, shine brighter. There was no control because we were never allowed a moment to settle, to cherish that which had been achieved and to reflect. We could not establish our own parameters of achievement and satisfaction but instead we were always beholden to the standards of another which ultimate proved to be unobtainable standards and thus we had no control.
- The Facsimile. We were shaped to be precisely like the aggressor. Sometimes this was entirely at the behest of the aggressor and sometimes we saw how this individual behaved and decided ‘I want that power also’ (usually unconsciously but sometimes, such as was the case for me – consciously). Whilst you may think a conscious decision to copy the aggressor and thus seize power was a form of control, it was not – this was actually a product of the already establishing narcissism and thus a symptom rather than a cause. Where the aggressor caused us to be moulded just like them – forming our opinions, our views, our behaviours, our likes and dislikes, what we wore, what we ate, where we went, what we did and in some instances alongside this there was an unconscious decision to mimic and copy those behaviours and characteristics, we were once again denied control.
Thus, whether we came from an impoverished background, a gilded background, a seemingly run-of-the-mill background, any of those environments had the potential to cause a lack of control in our lives. Take this lack of control and add it to the genetic predisposition and thus our coping mechanism of narcissism was given birth to.
The creation of our narcissism became our way of coping with the world.
The creation of our Narcissism allowed us to exert control.
A lack of control equates to a lack of power.
A lack of control equates to being vulnerable.
A lack of control equates to being weak.
A lack of control equates to being worthless, meaningless and unimportant.
When we lack control, we start to fade and will no longer exist.
A lack of control now returns us to the lack of control then.
This must never happen for too long and thus we were formed from this lack of control adding to our genetic predisposition and in order to survive and thrive we must never, ever lack control for if this persists, well, then, it ends.
We must have absolute control. And that means absolute control over you, him, her, them but most of all YOU.
16 thoughts on “The Creation of Narcissism : To Control is to Cope”
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Explaining the formation of narcissism is not the same as suggesting it can be undone through enough “inner work.” Narcissism is an entrenched survival construct, not a “mindset” awaiting enlightenment. Neuroplasticity may allow for many forms of change, but it does not create the motivation, or the underlying architecture, required for a narcissist to become something they are not.
Mari, I hear what you’re saying, and I agree with part of it. Narcissism isn’t just a simple mindset shift, it’s deeply rooted and often formed early as a survival response. That’s real, and it’s not something that gets undone easily or quickly.
Where I see it a little differently is in the role of change itself. Neuroplasticity doesn’t automatically create motivation—you’re right about that. The desire to change has to be there. But it does show us that the brain is capable of forming new pathways over time when there is willingness, accountability, and consistent work.
From both a clinical and spiritual standpoint, I don’t believe anyone is beyond change—but I do believe not everyone is willing to do what it takes. That’s the distinction. The structure may be deeply ingrained, but it’s not unmovable. It just requires a level of surrender, self-awareness, and truth that many individuals with narcissistic patterns resist.
So I agree with you that it’s not about “enough inner work” in a surface-level sense. It’s much deeper than that. But I also don’t see it as fixed or impossible, just rare, because it requires something most aren’t willing to face.
And who exactly is this arbiter of truth and healing? Who decides what those are and holds this magic yardstick with which we should be measured to deem if we have ‘put enough work in’? To satisfy whom?
I get the question you’re asking, but I’m not talking about some outside person holding a “yardstick” over anyone.
Truth and healing aren’t decided by people, they’re revealed. From my standpoint, truth comes from God, not from human opinion or shifting standards. Healing isn’t about meeting someone else’s expectations or proving you’ve “done enough work.” It’s about alignment, coming out of denial, taking responsibility, and facing what’s real.
No one can force that. No one can measure it for you either. But there are clear indicators when it’s happening—ownership without deflection, consistency over time, genuine humility, and a willingness to change patterns that harm others.
So it’s not about satisfying a person. It’s about whether someone is actually willing to step into truth and let that truth transform them. And that’s something each individual has to choose.
Well, Beth, it’s never stopped people like yourself (well meaning as you may be) from trying to force it through the lens of God/Jesus (and the collective beliefs of their followers) on those whom reject that premise.
Narcs believe they are in THEIR truth all the time, so no work is required, and yet that doesn’t seem to satisfy those who continue to push narcs towards “truth and healing” to change their behaviors because they are not satisfied that it is not possible for a narcissist to accept their religious standard. This holds for non- narcs as well whose behaviour is not that of a narcissist but deemed non-conforming all the same.
So the argument falls flat that it is up to each individual to satisfy themselves because the narc (and similarly non-narcs) are already satisfied there is no need to transform and yet the persistence of truth and introspection continues unabated.
Instead of repeatedly hoping for and insisting on the change of others whom we only BELIEVE are able, we should focus on the only person we can effect change with – ourselves. If it’s as you say an individual choice and not having to satisfy anyone else, then why the constant persistence otherwise? Seems a bit narcissistic to force one’s own narrative on others if choice is truly the case.
Well Narc Angel if you want to take the source out ( ie Jesus) then you are talking about imposing compassion, kindness, community, love helping the poor, the ill, and forgiveness, acceptance and hope.
Elon Musk and many atheists can be “ culturally Christian. They think the values are good for humanity even if they don’t believe.
So what values do narcs bring to society when they are satisfying themselves. Some might do good like HG. But many others inflict harm. And while they might believe there is no need to transform… they are not ignorant to laws in society such as you can’t batter your wife, de-fraud people. While cheating and lying and emotional abuse are less obvious, they are still harm.
So my point is that a narc often devalues or harms others. Too often. It’s that.
And of course there are people who enter, use and abuse others in the name of religion, many religions not just Christianity but they are often narcs and even if not following the message.
So while I firmly believe “ To thine own self be true.” I also love the words and teachings of Christ as a way to live by. You don’t have to believe to avoid harming others deliberately ( or with full awareness that your acts break laws) .
What values that Jesus taught do you disagree with? Whether you believe in Him or not?
Stepping into truth – is that before or after sitting in your authenticity? And wouldn’t it be difficult if you’re already anchored in your knowing? Those anchors are heavy.
Also, anyone who has genuinely attempted to change themselves knows what an almost impossible endeavour it is, how difficult it truly is in reality, even with extensive knowledge and understanding, not to mention the level of awareness and responsibility required before positioning oneself as the healer of another person.
Do you really think no one has attempted it before and therefore would not understand how it works? People who have attempted it know very well what actually may shift and what ultimately remains the same.
And here you have chosen a narcissistic psychopath as your project, driven by rescue fantasies, the desire to feel chosen, and the belief that you have a direct line to God reinforcing your conviction.
What is interesting, however, is observing the loops you return to repeatedly, unintentionally demonstrating how difficult genuine change actually is. You write: “I understand what you mean by this or that, BUT…” and then immediately reinforce the very same patterns and statements again.
Paradoxically, religious, spiritual, or esoteric individuals often appear among the most resistant when it comes to changing their own belief systems in the first place.
And then the contradictions you cannot see appear once again:
“I’m not talking about some outside person holding a ‘yardstick’ over anyone.”
And then:
“From my standpoint, truth comes from God, not from human opinion or shifting standards. Healing isn’t about meeting someone else’s expectations or proving you’ve ‘done enough work.’ It’s about alignment, coming out of denial, taking responsibility, and facing what’s real.”
And yet, if it is not about meeting someone else’s expectations, what gives you the authority to hold the “yardstick” of God over everyone you encounter?
And “facing what is real” still depends entirely on your determined reality within a religious framework that positions itself as the holder of truth and salvation.
“Human opinion” becomes less worthy to you than what you perceive to be the opinion of God. Through that divine extension you attach yourself to, you inevitably position yourself above others as the fixer of personalities according to your own scriptural and divine standards.
That is an NPD indicator, my dear.
Hi NA,
I know several narcs who would love to be the arbiter of other’s truth and healing. I believe it is on each individual, not anyone outside of ourselves, except those who live is and get us help perhaps, even that being limited.
I understand what you’re saying here HG, and I can see the truth in how these patterns form. A lack of control early on, whether through abuse, neglect, inconsistency, or even overindulgence, does shape how a person learns to survive. From a psychological standpoint, it makes sense how a false self would develop as protection.
But understanding the origin doesn’t justify the outcome. At some point, it becomes a choice to remain there. Not everyone who experiences a lack of control becomes this. Some face it, do the work, and break the pattern instead of repeating it onto others. That’s where accountability comes in.
What you’re describing is survival rooted in control, but real healing doesn’t come from controlling everything around you. It comes from facing what’s underneath it.
And that’s the part most won’t do.
The brain isn’t fixed. Research on neuroplasticity shows it can change and rewire over time. Daniel J. Siegel speaks to how our patterns, how we think, respond, and attach, can be reshaped. But that only happens when someone is willing to face themselves and do the work.
From where I stand now, after doing my own internal work, I can see both sides of this clearly. I understand how it forms, but I also know it doesn’t have to stay that way.
That’s where the divide is.Truth brings freedom, not control. And not everyone is willing to walk into that.
Thank you for laying this out the way you did, it gives clarity to what’s really going on beneath the surface.
My belief is that many narcissists were some of the most sensitive people prior to the lack of control happening. They simply could not see another way to survive. So their protection is bolted on in such a way that it is next to impossible to remove, not even allowing their mind to consider that they need to change, it is too dangerous to go there. To do so would admit their vulnerability, which cannot be allowed. Just my thoughts on it.
A Victor, I agree. But it is the harm that they cause that I have trouble with. I think they know their actions, ie fraud, theft, physical abuse and whether society sees it as right or wrong even if they don’t. They don’t get a pass from me on holding them accountable.
I have read several of your answers on this thread and others, Beth. From what I could gather, you are approaching the matter from a mostly Christian point of view. If not that, then at least your faith in a Higher Power (that is, God) heavily influences your conviction about the potential for change in every single individual.
Not everyone is religious, and thus many won’t adhere to this spiritual point of view, which is perfectly fair in my opinion. The very essence of the freedom granted to all by God is to make that choice for themselves.
I do not subscribe to the concept of ‘organised religion’ myself. Notwithstanding this fact, I’d like to make a point that even within the Christian perspective, which I assume you are, narcissists are clearly… well, irredeemable—to put it bluntly.
Christ’s description of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law in Matthew 23 perfectly embodies the ‘Holy Narcissist’. His very coarse rebuke of them in that chapter points to Him having drawn this line of irredeemability in the sand about them.
He saw them for what they were and treated them as such. Not only did He not sugarcoat anything He was saying, but also and more importantly, He warned His disciples to be on their guard about them. One could point to countless Scriptures from Paul’s, Peter’s and Jude’s letters, which draw this same line in the sand and warn against lacking the wisdom to do the same.
Moreover, it is a warning which, when read with the right context and exposition, extends to all who behave like them (narcissists), not only within the church but also outside it. This same warning is found in the Old Testament; the Psalms, Proverbs and the Prophets thoroughly drive the point home.
HG has done several posts (or videos) on the ‘Holy Narcissist’, which I encourage you to check out. In fact, he released a video on his KNT YouTube channel about the performative ‘born-again’ antics of Russel Brand yesterday. I encourage you to watch that video, and also the multi-part series that HG did on his channel about that particular narcissist who proclaims ‘redemption’ and being ‘a new creation’ in Christ.
Regards.
Isabelle, hi and welcome!🪷
Beth’s identity seems to adopt the “Overwhelming Angel” approach, believing in exceptional healing abilities through divine intervention, to which she believes she has access through faith and personal expertise, by way of having “healed herself”, whatever that may ultimately mean. Religion, after all, can become a means of compensating for a perceived lack of control.
Isabelle, you seem to lean more towards the opposite end, the “eye for an eye” approach. Correct me if I’m wrong.
HG has taught us that anger and hate stem from emotional thinking, baiting an empath into engaging with what causes them distress in reality. Emotional thinking contributes to a form of self-imprisonment within the illusion that the narcissist still holds power over one’s reactions and actions, compelling the empath to seek revenge.
According to HG, irrelevance is the pill that both heals and kills, though not with the intention of “killing”, once one realises what sits at the core of NPD and therefore no longer feels the need to blame or assign ill intent to individuals who perceive a completely different reality and act accordingly.
Hi Beth,
HG simply explained the origin of narcissism, quite in depth actually. No one said anything about justifying an outcome.
What does neuroplasticity have to do with narcissism? It is explained here that narcissism is a coping mechanism to deal with a lack of control experienced during a formative period. HG has explained on numerous occasions that narcissism cannot be undone. It is what it is. The same applies to empaths. If you have high emotional empathy, you will have it until you take your last breath. You cannot change that.
Narcissism is not a choice. It was not a choice when it was formed, and it certainly is not a choice to undo at a later stage. The majority of narcissists do not even know they have narcissism; they are not able to reach that awareness. HG knows about himself, but even so, he sees no need to try to change it, since he is fully content with how he is. It works for him.
Why does the narcissist need to heal? They are actually not suffering that much. They mostly just have to deal with the creature, and they are one hundred percent wired to keep it at bay 24/7.
You can call it an ugly truth. This is what it is. It is part of humanity, a variation in the gene pool, I would say.
Yes, narcissists are a pain in the ass and wreak a lot of havoc. The only antidote is to gain awareness about narcissism and yourself, especially if you are an empath, and to stay away from them. You cannot change them. You cannot erase the creature. You cannot fix their false self or make them grow up and develop a real self.
Narcissists make up roughly 17% of the human population. They are a minority, although a sizeable one. That means there are 83% of other, less destructive people you can spend time with. Plenty.
You say that you know it does not need to stay that way, being a narcissist. How do you know? Were you a narcissist who is now a person with emotional empathy? What truth do you want the narcissist to see? How do you want the narcissist to see that some of their behaviours are hurtful?
I am genuinely curious because you seem one hundred percent convinced about this. What do you know that we do not know, and that HG does not know?
Hey Beth, I’d like to add something else.
‘At some point, it becomes a choice to remain there,’ you said, Beth, and you are correct.
From my udnerstanding (Please HG, do correct me if I’m wrong), for ‘inner healing’ to happen narcissists would need to see their behaviour as problematic in the first place. But they never will because their psychological construct makes them view themselves as awesome and blameless. No soul-searching is possible because their built-in defence mechanism (narcissism) can never permit them to criticise themselves.
Criticism is seen as betrayal to a narcissist, and a defence mechanism built to avert all kinds of hurt will never allow the said betrayal to be inflicted by the narcissist. In other words, the narcissist’s traitor will never be himself.
The same way that to you God’s word is truth and Jesus’ redeeming power is limitless and can save even the narcissist, to the narcissist, everything he or she says and does is truth and right (no matter how much he or she feigns a will to change).
Personally, stripping narcissists of that innate potential for hope and change, which I have realised I am prone to project onto every person I meet because of my own psychological build, has been my strongest defence mechanism against their abuse.
The narcissist is a predator. A heartless, callous and dangerous animal. Accepting that the narcissist is irredeemable is, in my opinion, the most fundamental part of understanding NPD and protecting one’s self against it.