Just the Way It Is
By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.
In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.
This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream along and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.
I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.
I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.
In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.
12 thoughts on “Just the Way It Is”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
HG, is it possible even if you know about narcissists from reading this site regularly and have gone no contact with one,that you can be completely blindsided by a friend who you thought had tendencies of one but now shows nearly all the signs…like went from Jekyll to hide when you start becoing empowered, stand up for yourself and start keeping your distance. many thanks
Hello Blondie, yes it is and this is for two reasons:-
1. You may have focussed on the romantic ensnarement with the narcissist and not paid attention to the social, familial and/or work entanglement. Empaths will always attract narcissists and you will have more than one at some point (sometimes more than one at a time) during your lifetime.
2. If you have been interacting with the friend (and possibly other narcissists) this will increase your emotional thinking so that you are blindsided by the existence of the friend as a narcissist. This is why ET is so dangerous.
This is what happened to me. I didn’t realise a friend is most likely a narc or very close to being one until recently even though I’ve been friends with her for years. It took me a while to realise that she becomes friends with very unstable people or people who are also on the narcissistic range just so she has drama to complain about or can judge and look down on them with her other friends, or make statuses on social media bitching about them while restricting the friend she’s talking about from being able to see it.
She is likely a victim narc.
That describes the entire cast, past and present, of the Real Housewives franchise. I tried watching a rerun on broadcast (no cable, Netflix, etc.), and lost patience before it was over.
Thankyou..much appreciated
You are welcome.
I got caught up in ET at work last week. So angry with myself, especially after I have read so much of your work, HG. I feel like a failed student.
The good news that a spike in ET can be addressed, it is not permanent. Furthermore, you recognise what it is.
But I can’t undo the the fuel/control that I essentially handed over to my boss . . .
And my regret over my failing is driving up my ET even further!
No, you cannot undo it, but it is meaningless to get irritated or annoyed by it. It is done. Move on.
We all make mistakes Lisk. As HG says just put it behnd you and move on. What’s done is done.
Where I do things which I would ordinarily feel annoyed with myself about or embarrassed about I literally think to myself how would a narcissist cope with this in such a situation. Could be anything. And I often seem to find myself in embarrassing situations!
Now I think to myself, how would an UMR or greater narcissist feel/react under the circumstances. They would brush it to one side. Not feel embaressed they may lack control briefly and in the moment if mid range but it is temporary and they would not think about it afterwards.
So fuck what your boss thinks Lisk.
Just put it behind you and move on. We all, all of us do things we wsih we hadn’t.
Thank you, Alexis.
I will heed your good and kind advice: i will do as my Narc boss did—go on as if nothing happened.
Though I am sure the retaliation will one day come.
When it does, I shall say to myself, “Ah, the expected retaliation has arrived!” and will view the task (or reneging of task) as an opportunity.
I shall then proceed with logic full throttle.
Thank you again, Alexis.This thought exercise has resolved a lot.