I Am Empty. I Show You What You Want To See

 

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There is a vast emptiness inside of me.

Whatever was meant to be there is not there and instead this chasm remains, an expansive void that is dark, deep and perpetual. I remain ahead of this void because it wants to consume me and in so doing consign me to oblivion. This relentless black hole wants to devour me, breaking down all that I have achieved and crushing them into nothingness, a final insult against me as I disappear without trace. A terrible matter to contemplate that as this extinction is aimed at me is the prospect of never having mattered, never having existed and never having made a mark on the world. To be erased in an instant, obliterated and deleted.

I am fearless in all that I do, save that is this void, this nothing which is the architect of one total fear. It is against this constant fate that I drive forward. You see, hurled into this void is The Creature and he is scrabbling to escape it so that with dreadful suicidal intent he can wrap his sinewy arms about me, his yellowed and sharpened teeth plunging into my neck, his venom paralysing me as he gurgles and giggles, hauling me backwards off the precipice and into the void, the pair of us plummeting into oblivion.

That must not happen.

In order to keep him deep, deep down in the void it is necessary to imprison him and keep his vile and seditious whispers silenced. This means filling the void. Imagine he lurks at its very deepest point. He wishes to keep the void as it is. Vast and empty, since by doing so he will be able to then clamber out and grab me, dragging me down back into the void. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can reach out of it unhindered. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can destroy me through its unrelenting absence of anything.

I cannot have emptiness.

This void must be filled and it is filled with fuel. Each piece of fuel places a layer within the void and behind each layer The Creature becomes imprisoned. Oh he will wail and protest but as those layers become thicker and more numerous his wretched cat calls become muffled and then silenced. He cannot break through these layers, he cannot reach out and burst through the constructed layers to sabotage my existence. Each layer differs in depth, strength and duration in accordance with the type of fuel that I am able to gather and place within the void, fashioning my construct.

The smile from a stranger is a thin and ephemeral sliver. The admiration from a newly acquired primary source is a dense and durable slab that protects me and makes the construct strong. Piece by piece, layer by layer, each segment of fuel, positive and negative, reinforces the construct, fills the void and keep The Creature at bay.

One cannot rest for these pieces dissipate and melt away through time. The Creature picks at them, claws at them, raking through them. Your treacherous criticism punches massive great holes in them allowing the mocking howls of The Creature to echo to me. See now why we hate criticism so vehemently?

Fuel fills the void. Fuel creates the construct.

The fastest way to gather fuel is to show you what you want to see for then you will pour forth with your love, your delight, your admiration and your appreciation. Marvellous, edifying and filling is your fuel. If I show you the very thing that you want to see, namely yourself, you will give me this fuel more readily, with such potency, often and in huge amounts. I have not time to build something of substance for you to fall in love with, to admire and desire. I must create it with due expedience and what better way than to use that which already exists, namely you. Thus, I show you yourself through my mirror and you fall for that image believing it to be me, believing it to be my essence and substance.

You do not realise that you are seeking yourself and indeed you do not see yourself when I mirror you back at yourself. You are conned by my fakery into thinking that it is my substance that you see and it dazzles and enchants you. I care not. So long as you are providing me with that fuel, I will hold up that mirror to you and let you fall in love with yourself. It is an artifice, a fabrication and fakery but it is necessary.

I give you what you want. It is not real but it seems so real to you and thus your responses are in fact real. The delicious fuel flows and I want you to pour it into me, filling me up, creating a barrier of salvation between me and the Creature as you are chief architect in the plans to frustrate and defeat his attempt to dethrone me.

This is why when you are installed as primary source and your wonderful fuel flows you truly are everything that matters to us.

You are our salvation and if holding a mirror up to achieve this salvation is what must be done, then it will be done.

10 thoughts on “I Am Empty. I Show You What You Want To See

  1. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

    Is it weird that I always picture a Smeagol / Gollum thing going on when I think of the Creature?

    1. Kim e says:

      Policy of Truth
      I picture the extreme opposite. A scared kid huddled in the corner

  2. Ash Lemmon says:

    I have never commented on a post anywhere no matter how brilliant or idiotic I perceived the content to be. So although this is rather uncomfortable I have decided to allow myself this moment to say thank you this was beautifully written in a way that I’ve only seen in my own journal and a few pieces of artwork . thank you for using your craft to give me a moment of first envy and pleasure from such an honest look inside of the darkness of which I know to well. We always have a choice but not always a good one.

  3. Violetta says:

    Wanna-Be Playuh-Narc to the hollow core. Even changed his taste in music and actors depending what other people said, in the space of 30.seconds. I don’t even believe he was faking it. It wasn’t like HG pretending to tolerate Celine Dion or concealing his Depeche Mode mindset in order to ensnare someone: I think WBPN had no idea what he liked unless someone told him.

    1. lisk says:

      I almost get sucked into feeling sad for WBPN.

      But I know better now!

  4. Narc noob says:

    Hg, is wounding and criticism similar and the victim is always painted black?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See the 3 Interactions With the Narcissist.

  5. Narc noob says:

    HG, how is wounding and criticising different? You are always painted black with either, correct?

  6. lisk says:

    So, I was truly everything to Narcx while I was “installed.”

    How romantic!

  7. Caity says:

    One of your most brilliant, HG, from volumes of like brilliance, but this is the core. Thank you.

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