Sounding Off

Vent your spleen. Have your say. Give us both barrels. Let us know what you really think. Such sentiments towards my kind are entirely understandable and they invariably occur post discard and sometimes post escape. There are differing rationales associated with this almost overwhelming need to speak to us about your experience of being entangled with our kind.

1.      Anger. You realise how you have been manipulated, abused and taken for a fool. Your anger is substantial and you feel a pressing need to unleash that anger against us with a litany of insults and some choice language.

2.      Enlightenment. You have had your epiphany and realised precisely what ensnared you, how it happened and why. You have seized this knowledge and now feel elated that you have done so. There is a sense of superiority in finally having all the pieces of the puzzle click into place and you want to confront us. You may not actually tell us what we are but you will certainly want to use the words, “I know what you are now.”

3.      Unfinished Business Part One. Nearly all discards occur without you being told that the Formal Relationship is over and if you are given such notice you are rarely given any proper or adequate explanation as to why this has happened. This results in the need to confront us at a later stage in order to try to find out why what has happened, has happened.

4.      Unfinished Business Part Two. This is akin to the situation above but the basis of this confrontation is in order to demand of us how we could do what we did and address your need to have us explain ourselves for what we did during the relationship.

5.      To Understand. You do not know what you were entangled with and you are unable to comprehend how somebody could behave in that manner towards you after everything that you did for us. This tirade details all of the help you gave us, the advantages that you conferred on us and each and every thing you did for us in the name of love.

6.      Clear the Smear. Predictably enough, you will have been smeared following your entanglement with us. You have heard all about the lies that have been peddled about you and you want to set us straight about how those comments were wrong, that you did not behave in the manner which we have described to other people and ultimately how you need to clear your name.

7.      The Right to Be Heard. You have a significant desire to want to be heard, especially as our manipulation of your will have caused you to feel that you have not been listened to during the Formal Relationship. You want your voice to be heard, you need to articulate your thoughts and feelings and an opportunity to avail yourself of discharging this need is too good to pass up.

8.      Convey the Pain. You remain horrendously wounded by your experience of being entangled with us and you want to let us know how badly we hurt you, how much it pains you still and how upset you are to have been treated this way.

9.      Sing the Praises. Sometimes you exhibit a capacity for nobility which manages to transcend the hurt, the pain and the angry. You remain bewitched by the golden period and all those magnificent attributes that you believe we still possess and therefore rather than attack us, expound bitterness or lash out, you declare all the reasons why you still love us, why you find us mesmerising despite what has happened and you wish us well for the future.

10. Justice. It is only right that are given the right of reply to the treatment that has been meted out against you.

11. Medicine. You put up with the tantrums, the lengthy invectives, the oral onslaughts and you were pummelled by our words. Now it is the time to give us a taste of our own medicine.

Whatever the motivation may be, your need and desire to have that final confrontation with us, to purge yourself of all those thoughts and considerations is huge and is very difficult for you to resist. Indeed, most of the time you do not resist it at all, instead you look to engineer situations whereby you are able to speak to us and deliver this tirade, this riposte, this howitzer. You will seek us out in order to provide us with a piece of your mind. Is this a good thing? Well, there are two potential upsides when this is looked at from your perspective. The first is that you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released as you allow your words to explode from you in an outburst of emotion applicable to whichever rationale which has driven you to this point. The second is that you may well feel that you have achieved some kind of closure by engaging in this step of giving us a piece of your mind.

But what about our perspective on all of this? What does this blast, this sounding off and this diatribe mean to us? This is where giving a piece of your mind in such a manner is actually not a good thing for you to do. Why is this?

1.      Sounding off in such an emotional manner, whether it is insulting us with angry words, crying with pain, savagely mauling us with a sneering and twisted face or even expressing how you still love us, just provides us with fuel and it is plentiful. You may have collared us on the telephone to vent at us. Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.

2.      This is a prime opportunity for us to hoover you. If we see you are angry, we may express false contrition, if you are hurt and upset we may declare how we will make changes so everything is right, if you reminisce about our wonderful times we will offer that golden period again to you. You are giving us a glorious opportunity to hoover you and in your heightened emotional state there is a good chance this will succeed.

3.      If we do not hoover at this point, you have just given us several reasons to execute a hoover at a later juncture by confirming to us that you remain adrift in the emotional state, you are fountaining with fuel and still beholden to us. The signs are good and it all points to a successful hoover in the near future.

4.      You confirm to us that you have failed to grasp the logic and reason of the situation and therefore your defences are weak. This means that further manipulations can be used and they will prove effective in terms of fuel and control.

5.      We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.

6.      You are confirming that we continue to have considerable control over you. We may be busy with a new primary source but this confirmation acts as a green light to further unleashing of manipulations against you because you are not able to let go.

The temptation to give us a piece of your mind is vast and overwhelming but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.

7 thoughts on “Sounding Off

  1. Tired says:

    I’ll never do that face to face, not with him. In the past I’ve written him letters to discuss his behaviors because I couldn’t speak to him without him yelling, deflecting, blameshifting , and projecting.
    I’m glad I have those letters, and his responses to them, they’ll serve me very well in divorce court.
    I will write him a letter someday, after divorce. Will likely be a lengthy novel .
    I want him to be able to take that letter ( book) out and read it over and over.
    I want him to read it when he can’t get a date because he’s already lost his looks , hair, body and mind.
    I want him to read it on the holidays he’ll be spending alone because his entire family will have written him off. I want him to read it when he’s high and desperate in the abyss of his substance abuse. I want him to read it when he’s dying alone in a nursing home.
    I want it in writing, I want him to be able to relive it all, over and over.
    Sounds callous, I know. This isn’t me , this isn’t me in a million years. This is what he’s doing to me , slowly turning my heart to stone where he’s concerned.

  2. lickemtomorrow says:

    Right now I feel like kicking his ass right back to the start of the relationship.

    Instead, I’m reading the obituaries.


    (Sorry, dark triad part of my nature revealing itself!)

  3. Matthews says:

    Will the narc always smear? Is it an inevitable part of discard ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Matthews, please see the book Smeared and also in the Knowledge Vault “Smearing and Smear Campaigns” the answers are provided there in detail, along with considerable assistance.

  4. Liz says:

    HG, thank you for providing us with this information! I have had a hell of a week, but I’m (falsely?) feeling like I’m going to come out alright, maybe on top.

    My narc husband “hit” me with divorce papers on Monday. I knew it was gonna happen, and he told me what time the process server was coming by. As you may expect, he came home 3 different times before the process server was due to arrive, so he could watch for my anguished reaction and get fuel I’m sure.

    I got the papers, secretly threw a party for myself, and waited until he got home. The police had to be called not 15 minutes after his arrival home because of the violence. I stayed in a shelter. I took his truck to drive there.

    Tuesday, I returned home thinking he was at work so I could pick up the things I had forgotten the night before. The police came again, cause he was there. I took off in his his truck again.

    That afternoon he filed for a restraining order against me, and I called his commander and told him what had been going on. He got his guns taken away and is facing discharge from the military.

    His attorney sent me an email with his “negotiations” in order to drop the RO. All I have to do is bring his truck back, and he gets to pack and ship all my shit in the house to my narcissist mothers house.

    Today, I went with a police escort to gather up whatever stuff of mine I can. I got the things that matter most to me, and I also pulled out the hideous strap on dildo that he manipulated and coerced me into using on him. I wasn’t allowed to talk about it with anyone, ever, and he said he was extremely ashamed. I pulled it out in front of the cops, said I was taking it, and he called his lawyer (that he used his life savings for) to complain that I’m stealing community property and I need sanctions. I stuck the dildo to the refrigerator with the suction cup on my way out.

    I look like a spiteful, controlling, abusive, and petty woman. It doesn’t matter cause he will say I was that way anyway, and worse. I managed to humiliate him with the dildo, get his truck (highest valued possession), get his guns (second highest valued possessions), and maybe even his job (his identity). And I escaped. He doesn’t have any leverage against me anymore, for the divorce or otherwise. He’s still taking up too much space in my mind, but the manipulation and scheming I have been doing stops here. I’ll sign whatever settlement agreement he sends me, the courts won’t give a shit cause of COVID.

    Am I the narcissist? Maybe. Kinda starting to look like it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. Violetta says:

      As HG has said elsewhere, Normals and Empaths can be provoked into Narcissistic behavior, but no one suddenly becomes a full narcissist as an adult.

      If you’re worried about being a narc, you’re probably not one, but a consult with HG would settle it.

      In the meantime, listen to “Am I the Narcissist?” on YT. I found it incredibly helpful:

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

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