Why Yes Is Not Always Best



Lots of people have trouble with saying no. It carries with it the connotation of negativity, obstruction and disappointment. People much prefer to say yes. I know that you and your kind really do struggle with saying no. You prefer to be regarded as a can-do kind of person, positive and accommodating. You also find it difficult to say no to people as you really do not like to see the disappointment on their face should you respond in this way. It makes you feel bad and accordingly, you either avoid saying it in the first place or you change your mind if you have said it. Occasionally, you will take refuge in the realm of uncertainty.

“I will think about it.”

“We shall see.”

“Let me reflect and I will come back to you.”

“I just need to check something, but I think it should be okay.”

You want to say no, but you find that you are unable to and therefore you trot out one of these insipid responses and ultimately you will end up saying yes. We know this is a common trait of yours and something we rely on and play on. We are aware that you do not like to say no and therefore we will press and cajole to ensure you say yes. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we need your validation and approval. Far from it. We do what we want. We like to hear you say yes because it underlines our power over you. We can always make you say yes. Sometimes you do it straight away (especially if we have you conditioned correctly). On other occasions it requires some persuasion and in the remainder of cases we need to pull out our manipulative tool kit to achieve the desired result, but we always get there. You are designed to say yes, we programme you to say yes and you do so even if it is ultimately detrimental to you. You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.

By contrast we are firm disciples of the word “no”. It is a word of strength. It is commanding and authoritative. Those who can say no have fortitude, steel and resilience. We say it regularly. We are untroubled by the fallen expression, the noises of disappointment and pleading. In fact, should you beg and plead we will just keep saying no and sit back and enjoy the fuel that you provide to us by your behaviour. Beseech us, blackmail us, bribe us and bombard us with requests, nay, demands to say yes and every time we will bat you back with a firm no as we savour your increasing anger, frustration and upset.

We do not associate the word no with negativity. We see it as a positive word. It is one that enables us to assert and maintain our superiority. We are able to use it to control you and keep you in your place. We are fully aware that whoever is on the receiving end of the word no automatically feels bad because they have been denied something.

“No I do not want to have dinner with you tonight.”

“No, you cannot borrow my car this evening.”

“No, you cannot go out with your friends tomorrow evening.”

It takes guts and integrity to say no. You struggle to say it because you are used to being exploited and taken for granted. You may try and dress it up as being someone who always helps and is a facilitator but the reality is you end up being used. Notice how in those instances above where I stated no, I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. It is my decision, the answer is no, that is an end to it. I can do this because I am not accountable. I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the disappointment of others. This enables me to achieve more and avoid being burdened unnecessarily.

You can learn a lot from my use of the word no.

Just do not think of ever using it towards me.

That’s a big no.


17 thoughts on “Why Yes Is Not Always Best

  1. Gina Gonzalez says:

    My experience is that the middle midranger didn’t usually say yes or no. He liked to keep me dangling with maybes. Or he might say yes to something and then not say when he was going to do it, it might get done or it might not. Of course this was during the devaluation periods. If questioned about why it wasn’t done, I was just nagging and he was just so busy. But me telling him no, or anybody telling him no is one of the ways you can spot him as a narcissist. No just does not work for him.

    1. SMH says:

      Gina Gonzalez, That was my experience too, also with a middle midranger. He would do it for hours and days and weeks and months on end. Always in limbo. Made me feel really strung out all the time. I like a clear yes or no. No confusion.

      1. Gina G says:

        Yes. It produces anxiety and confusion. Can be gaslighting too.

    2. Bibi says:

      I had similar happen with my middle mid as well. He would make promises but then never give a specific date or answer. I asked him to read some work of mine and then 4 and a half years later he still had not read it. ‘When are you going to be out of this phase?’ I asked.

      ‘I resent that you refer to it as a phase.’
      ‘So when will it end?’
      ‘I can’t give you an answer.’

      Then, if I emailed direct questions, he would ignore them or just not respond altogether. His actions always told me no. But he was the eternal carrot-dangler.

      The UMR at my job does not like being challenged. I’ve seen him bring a coworker to tears b/c she requested he return something.

      HG, I am having a hard time understanding how it is possible he has remained married so long. His wife can’t be that admiring and submissive all the time–how has she not been painted black yet? I am only a Non-intimate secondary source and he has devalued me and others. So how could he not do it to his wife by now?

      He always has to be the best at everything and he resents you if you don’t admire him or if you have something that he lacks.

      1. Gina G says:

        In my experience he would almost never shut the fuck up. So virtually the only time I got the silent treatment was through the absence of a response to emails and or text messages. He would either not answer at all or he would start a word salad or go off on a completely different tangent or start some circular conversation. I pointed it out once that he didn’t respond and for a short period after that he would reply “K” to almost anything I sent. Then he returned to just not replying at all.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    HG, I just wondered, when (not if), you have your robot designed, the words ‘Yes’ and ‘No’, would t these be omitted from the robot’s vocabulary?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Asp Emp says:

        I knew you’d answer with ‘maybe’. You could program it to say ‘Yup’ and ‘Nah’ instead. I’m assuming the most used word from this robot of yours would be ‘Maybe’.

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. Bibi says:


          2. Asp Emp says:

            LOL. Forever the ‘Word Master’ HG.

          3. HG Tudor says:


          4. Bibi says:


      2. Truthseeker6157 says:

        Ha ha !

  3. December Infinity says:

    I need to learn to say NO.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A robust no contact regime means you do not need to say no.

  4. Truthseeker6157 says:

    I think police hostage negotiators are trained never to say no to the hostage taker. It’s probably for this reason, saying no would threaten control and cause escalation.

    I’d make a kick ass police hostage negotiator.

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