5 Conversational Derailments

5-CONVERSATIONAL-DERAILMENTS

We don’t do conversations. That suggests that it is an equal process where we listen to you and your opinion is respected and deemed as valid. During seduction our conversations are both information gathering exercises and monologues which are there to showcase our brilliance. Once we devalue you, our conversations with you are tirades, imperious and haughty speeches, vicious diatribes against you where we speak and you had better damn well listen. All conversations must be controlled by us. Our need for control is considerable because if we every allow you to hold centre stage then we are losing out. We risk losing fuel, we are allowing our innate superiority to be undermined and we are ceding control to you. This is why we must never allow you to think or even achieve some kind of dominance, even if slight, during a conversation over us. The conversation is a mechanism for our use, not yours. It is for us to shine, to avoid blame, to lash out at you, to hoover you back in and enable us to achieve what we want. It is our conduit and you just happen to be involved but on the receiving end. Achieving such domination and control of the conversational arena is absolutely necessary and to maintain such a position we engage in numerous manipulations. There are many which are deployed and here are five of the most popular ways we will derail a conversation for the purposes of maintaining or seizing control.

  1. The Blame Shift

If you are trying to accuse us of something or pin the blame on us in the course of a conversation this is against our rules. We will not allow this to happen. We are unaccountable and especially so to somebody like you. If you can hold us to account through a conversation, then this reduces our superiority and allows you control. In order to prevent you from achieving this will engage in a blame shift. Whatever you are accusing us of will be your fault. It does not matter if there is no logical link (in your world) between what you have accused us of and our response. These conversations are not governed by your logic but by ours. Our logic is that we must maintain control and therefore shifting the blame on to you, by any means, is a logical method of achieving this. There is the logic for you. Understand this and you begin to understand why we act as we do. Accordingly, you might accuse us of the following and be met with the response in bold.

“You have been seeing another woman, I can smell her perfume on you.”

“I’m not having an affair but if I was who would blame me? You never show me any attention or affection. You cannot smell perfume; you are just making that up.”

 

“Why haven’t you remembered to switch the oven on?”

“Why do I have to remember to do that? It is your job. If you spent more time getting on with what you are supposed to do, rather than trying to pick fault with me, this wouldn’t happen.”

 

“Why are you always trying to tell me what to do?”

“I don’t do that. You are over-reacting. I just suggest things for you because let’s face it, you aren’t really capable of making the big decisions yourself are you? That’s not me being horrible, that’s a fact, you are poor at decision-making. You should thank me for helping you.”

 

  1. Projection

This favourite method of derailing the conversation is so effective because it takes your breath away. By accusing you of doing the very thing that we are accused of (and invariably we are doing) you are so astonished at our bare-faced cheek, our audacity and our brass neck, that you lose sight of what you are talking about and end up focusing on the counter-allegation that we have just flung at you. You hate being thought of in an incorrect manner and because we project with such conviction, you are immediately drawn into engaging us on this point. You will fail to press on with your accusation against us and instead be side-tracked into discussing your own behaviour in a fruitless effort to try and persuade us that you have not done any of the things that we accused you of. You let your emotional response to such allegations take hold of you and this is entirely deliberate. Expect to hear comments such as these: –

“If you didn’t drink so much, you might begin to realise just how horrible you can be, but you can never remember because of your drinking.”

 

“You always take the last can of soda without replacing it. It is so selfish.”

 

“Me flirt? Have you seen the way you go on around Harry? Only last week you were all over him like a rash. It just wasn’t me that saw it and commented on it either.”

 

“You never turn up on time. I find it disrespectful.”

 

“You spend too much time thinking about your work and not enough concentrating on our children.”

 

  1. Interruption

You will not be able to finish what you are saying because of our repeated tendency and need to interrupt you. We do not consider anything that you have to say as having any value. You are inferior to us therefore anything which comes out of your mouth must be inferior too. We do not recognise or respect boundaries and therefore we regard it as perfectly acceptable to talk over you and interrupt what you are saying. Our sense of entitlement means that we are always to be heard and if this means cutting across you, so be it. This can reach even childish extremes where we will say one word so you stop and then we stop. You try to speak again and we repeat the trick. We keep doing it, halting you from speaking until you continue talking and we speak over you or you storm off in frustration. You can expect to hear phrases such as these: –

“If you would just let me speak.”

“If I can get a word in edgeways.”

“Why don’t you listen for a change?”

“This is important.”

“I want to have my say for once.”

“If you actually listened you might understand.”

“No that’s wrong.”

“No, you are making this up.”

“I have to stop you there.”

  1. Topic Shift

We love to deflect and distract. We also exhibit a considerable capacity for moving the conversation away from what you want to talk about and thus have control, onto something we want to talk about. It might be espousing our virtues of having a go at you instead, but we will hijack the conversation and wrench it over to our preferred topic. You must not protest for if you do you will be accused of trying to monopolise the discussion and failing to listen to us. We are brilliant at talking about ourselves or finding some topic which we can take round and round and round as you feel yourself falling into a stupor. We rely on your innate empathic nature of politeness, good manners and being a good listener so we can abuse this and prevent you talking about something which matters to you. Nobody is interested in what you have to say. Expect shift comments such as these: –

“That’s all very interesting but let me tell you about….”

“That’s not important right now, but this is….”

“That is irrelevant, now let me tell you..”

“Oh I must tell you this, it is hilarious….”

“I have to tell you this before I forget….”

 

  1. Silent Treatment

The old favourite. If we do not like the way, the conversation is going then we will either walk off or sit in silence. This is often done when there is a conversation going on in a group setting as well where we are failing to dominate the discussion. We want to bring it back to us and therefore by sitting silent and sulking we hope to engender some sympathetic reaction that causes someone to comment on our silence or invite us to speak. When done in a one-on-one situation this is designed to ignore what you have to say, treat it as unimportant and make you feel uncomfortable. You will be forced to ask us what is wrong and then chase after us as we remain sullen and silent. Your comments are forgotten as the spotlight returns to us again and the conversation has been successfully derailed.

Do not be derailed

Escape

Defend

Purge

HG Tudor´s work, works!

20 thoughts on “5 Conversational Derailments

  1. Duchessbea says:

    Excellent article HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you DB.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Projection – yup, She did that. A number of times, over the same thing – she was the one doing it yet accusing me of it. Even put it in a message to me. I didn’t bother replying. She knew that I knew.

    LOL. Interruption, Topic Shift. Very often because he didn’t want to have to comment or respond to what I was saying.

    Silent Treatment – yup, the higher level management were doing this. Sitting in silence was carried out with the The Stare.

  3. HealingHealer says:

    All this is instinctive right? They dont really plan or put much thoughts into acting this way. It comes very naturally to them. How do all narc say the exact same things? Queer!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See Why Do Narcissists All Operate From the Same Book.

  4. Leela says:

    There´s one sentence which I will never forget, which he said just shy pre escape:

    “You are dangerous”

    I knew this is pure projection. So actually this means “I am dangerous”. Yes, that´s what I had felt already deep inside, that´s what my gut feeling had told me all the time. This is in fact a dangerous man! I felt all the time: When his man is lashing out, it´s Armageddon!

    Fortunately this never happened in my presence.

  5. Leela says:

    Topic shift, aw yes, the favorite of “my” ex-mid range “friend”. Just ignoring what has been said and shifting topic to something which is relevant to him. No further comment, no further reacting, just ignoring what the other person said and talking about something else. Meeeh. Thank you very much! 🙁

  6. December Infinity says:

    Insightful article. I experienced the above many times.

  7. lickemtomorrow says:

    Always very helpful to get the examples as well.

    Thanks, HG.

  8. Barbara says:

    HG, what ‘d you say it’s the difference between a psychopath and a narcissist? Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Briefly, fear, fuel and impulsivity.

      1. Leela says:

        Oh, H.G.: Would like to know also more about that topic: narc vs psychopath.

        Would you please, please write or make an audio about that?

        Would also love to know more about the co-morbidities of NPD. Many (or most?) NPDs exhibit also other personality disorders/mental illnesses. Would love to know more.

      2. alexissmith2016 says:

        No fear. they don’t depend on fuel? and they are more impulsive?

      3. lickemtomorrow says:

        Can I ask …

        The Psychopath feels no fear?

        The Psychopath requires more fuel?

        The Psychopath is more impulsive?

        And therefore the narcissist requires less of these in comparison?

        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          Lickem, I think you’re probably right. I totally agree on 1 and 3 but I’m uncertain re 2. Based on the fact HG is a N-P and he fuel is his lifeblood, then you’re correct re 2. But my understanding of Ps (pre HG) was that Ps don’t need attention in the same way Ns do.Think typing is making me re-consider and that they do need more fuel. That said all the Ns I know considerably more than N-Ps are desperate for fuel. Perhaps an N-P can just survive without it for longer due to the lack of fear, so the creature is kept locked away far easier.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            Hey Alexis, you’ve made lots of good points and I think it gets confusing where lack of fear comes in. And how that might relate to fuel. And I almost forgot about the creature!

            One of the things I have discovered is that all Ps are also Ns. The difference being Ps do not feel fear. So, I think that box can be ticked. HG has said himself he doesn’t feel fear. So that must relate to the P side of his personality.

            However, I’m not sure how this relates to fuel as we know HG has a vast fuel network in order to maintain his construct and keep the creature at bay. I agree with you in that my impression was Ps have no concern about what others think about them, but I’m not sure we can tick this box with HG. Well, we know there is a lack of concern for others, but at the same time there needs to be a concern about the construct and this is where the fuel comes in. HG we need your help!

            And now that I’ve thought about it, I think the P is less impulsive and more calculating. So, an N without the P would be more impulsive than an N-P.

            All in all I think less fear, less impulsive for the P. Guess I’m going to have to go with greater need for fuel although it doesn’t really fit the hypothesis that Ps don’t care what other people think.

            OMG, I can feel the frustration rising …

          2. alexissmith2016 says:

            Yes, thinking about it Lickem, like you – fear I am certain of. A P has no fear. as for the other two I keep chaning my mind. For it is the greater who is not impulsive, he sits and waits. I’m uncertain whether that extends to Ps as well? In Dr Robert Hare’s book which I haven’t read for about 10 years now, he describes Ps as impulsive, So I imagine HG’s headvoice is always arguing with itself ahaha. As for fuel, it is the lifeblood of all Ns and as HG’s website is all about Ns and he only touches on Ps my guess is it is the N who requires fuel but as you say all Ps are Ns but not all Ns are Ps. fooookinell I’m confused.

        2. Truthseeker6157 says:

          See I’d have said the opposite.

          Psychopath feels no fear
          Psychopath does not depend on fuel
          Psychopath is less impulsive.

          Can I try the “Guess what I’m thinking?” question now please? I’m good at those. Ha ha.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            Oohh, TS, I think we’ve come to a similar conclusion, and your conclusion here is much less tortuous than mine!

            Is that the answer? I think you, I and Alexis agree that the Psychopath does not depend on fuel. So how is it that HG requires such an expansive fuel network to keep the creature at bay and how does that relate to fear or lack of?

            This is where I’m getting stuck, but a pure P would certainly fit your conclusion.

            I need to stop there now before I tangle myself up any further 😉

          2. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Alexis, LET

            I’m probably wrong. I know very little about psychopathy.
            I think HG is a law unto himself. I didn’t consider HG when answering the question.

            School of narcissist likely has additional bearing on the impulsivity element. Most narcissists aren’t Greaters. All will exhibit ignited fury if wounded due to perceived criticism just at varying stages. To my knowledge Psychopaths aren’t affected by criticism in the same way so I concluded that Psychopaths are less impulsive.

            Fuel for the narcissist is gained by control. Psychopaths are controlling but I don’t think this is the foundation for all their behaviour as it is with Narcissists, (along with the Prime Aims) so I categorised psychopaths as non fuel dependent.

            Was just having a stab at it ha ha.

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