TIRADE1

 

“You’ve done what? I cannot believe it. What on earth possessed you to do that? Are you mad? Are you completely unhinged woman? Sweet Jesus I don’t believe what you just said to me. How many times have we been over this before? Countless times. Hell, I said it only yesterday didn’t I? I cannot believe you would be so stupid as to do something like this, it just beggars belief. You know I am starting to think that you do this on purpose don’t you? It’s no good shaking your head and staring at me like that, do you think I will feel sorry for you if you give me those eyes? Do you? I said DO YOU? Yes, you may as well shake your head again, it’s about as much as someone of your idiocy can do. I swear I am living with an epsilon semi-moron, have you always been this fucking dumb? I guess you have. It was such a simple thing to do, straight forward, a child could do it, but no not you, you had to go and be clever and go and royally fuck it up. You absolute idiot. You have ruined everything now; you do realise that don’t you? I mean it is completely ruined and how about that for a fantastic start eh? Yes, I am being sarcastic, I suppose I have to explain that to someone as brain dead as you. Jesus, why on earth have I been saddled with you. Don’t you fucking dare speak when I am speaking, you’ve done enough damage as it is, you will shut the fuck up and listen to me when I am setting you straight. I have pointed out to you so many bloody times what you should do and you assured me, you stood there and assured me that you knew what you were doing. That was a lie. I SAID SHUT UP AND DON’T INTERRUPT ME! I swear you want me to hit you don’t you? That’s what you are trying to do. Oh I know you alright, you think you are so damn clever but I have you worked out. I know what you are up to. That’s right, wind me up, get it wrong, disappoint and frustrate me and then you want me to explode and land myself in some hot water. Well it isn’t going to work with me. I am not stupid. I am not you, you know. I know what I am doing. I am the one that keep this place together, you would do well to remember that when you are busy ruining everything with your mind-blowing and monumental incompetence. It is breath taking. It truly is. I told you what to do. I told you once, I told you a hundred times and you said to me and I can specifically remember what you said, you said ‘don’t worry, I can be trusted to get it right’. Yes, that is what you said. It is no point looking like that, don’t pull that face with me, don’t you fucking dare, I am sick of you not showing me enough respect around here. I work my backside off to keep things afloat, not that you give me any credit for it though. Oh no, you are too busy taking the piss, fucking things up and spoiling it for everyone and especially for me. I don’t know what I am going to do now. I mean, you’ve just, I, I am almost lost for words. You see, not only have you cocked it right up but you have lied to me as well. I don’t know which is worse, but that’s you all over isn’t it. The liar, the deceiver, you flatter to deceive. Don’t think I don’t know what you get up to. I have my eye on you, yes, you would do well to look worried, I know all about you. What are you looking over there for? Look at me when I am talking to you. Look. At. Me. Oh here we go, the waterworks. If you have messed up and you are being corrected start crying and it will be all okay again. Well it won’t will it? It won’t be okay after what you have done. It won’t be fine. It won’t be good or great or fine and dandy. You have messed it up. I knew this would happen. I knew I shouldn’t have left it to you, but do you know what, I thought to myself, no, give her a chance, let her prove she can do it, let he demonstrate that she can be trusted to get it right, I mean, after all, that is what a relationship is all about isn’t it? Trust. Without trust there is nothing. Do you see what you have done? Do you? Do you really understand the impact of what you have done? Somehow I doubt it, that is why I am having to do this. Do you think I like shouting at you? What’s that? Were you going to nod then? Why you ungrateful and nasty bitch, you have some cheek to accuse me of enjoying this when I am the one who has to put up with the consequence of your outrageous incompetence. I am the one who is put out. I am the one who has to suffer. You will just walk away muttering about having understood, how you have learned your lesson and you won’t do it again but I may as well be speaking in Mandarin for all of the notice that you take. I told you to stop crying. If you don’t stop crying, I am going to seriously lose it with you. Christ, what am I going to do? You’ve messed it up and ruined it for me. You don’t care, you don’t. If you did care you wouldn’t keep doing this would you. You wouldn’t keep making these mistakes and winding me up. You are trying to send me to an early grave aren’t you so you can have all this to yourself aren’t you? Got some fancy man on the side have we? I bet that’s what this is all about isn’t it? Ruin me through your incompetence and then waltz off into the sunset with some Johnny Come Lately after I croak it, sent to an early grave by your scheming. You’d love that wouldn’t you, to see me off. You nasty cow, no wonder nobody likes you, no wonder nobody asks you out. Oh yes, we never get invited anywhere these days because of you and your behaviour and is it any wonder. You are a walking disaster area. I mean people put up with you, they did it for my sake, I have good friends like that, or should I say I had good friends like that but thanks to you they are disappearing like rats on a sinking ship. You won’t be happy will you until you have completely ruined everything for me will you. That’s what you want. You want me on my knees, gasping for breath, miserable and wretched as you cavort and carry on with some other mug that you have seduced and promised the world to. I can’t believe I fell for it, but then I guess you keep the real you hidden don’t you, tucked away until you have your feet under the table, your name on the deeds and the joint Amex account. Well you are not that clever because you won’t beat me. I am cleverer than you. I am going to make you pay for what you have done. I am the one who is in charge here, this is my house and you do what I say. I am going to unleash hell against you after this catastrophe, it is an outrage, a complete outrage. I pity our neighbours having to put up with this, but you make me do it, it is all about you. I am not fooled by the frightened looks and the tears, other people might be taken in by it, but I am not. I know it is all for show. You disgust me, you scheming, manipulative, hateful cow. I curse the day I met you. Now look, you’ve made me late, thanks a bunch, that’s all I need. I’m going and don’t think I’ve finished; this is far from over.”

Silence.

“I thought you would prefer raspberry jam to marmalade,” you say softly to nobody in particular.

Advertisements

WHY WON'THE SAYWHAT'S WRONG?

Something is wrong.

The fact that something is wrong has many manifestations in the narcissistic dynamic. You may experience a sudden eruption of temper, the instigation of a silent treatment as you follow us around the house trying to draw from us what on earth is the matter. It might be that you plead with us to explain as all we do is fix you with a malevolent glare and say nothing. It may escalate into you being accused of various transgressions which make no sense and certainly cannot be what is truly wrong since the allegations have no bearing in fact. You are faithful yet accused of having repeated affairs. It makes no sense. You are told you never listen, but that is all you ever seem to do. The subject matter of the vitriolic accusations is clearly not what is really wrong.

We may vanish, subject you to a bewildering word salad, drag you into a circular conversation, triangulate you with the angelic other person but still you are none the wiser as to what is actually wrong.

Repeatedly you exhort us to explain, to elaborate, to detail what is causing this behaviour, just to talk and help you understand. Surely it is a reasonable and sensible request? Whether it is silent treatments, triangulation, verbally abusive accusations, a beating and so many other manifestations they will all have a common thread; we will not tell you what is wrong.

Why is this so troubling? Leaving aside the unpleasantness of being hit, called names and all the other effects of the various manipulations which are used against you, the simple fact is that people do not like not knowing things. Being in the dark is perplexing and causes anxiety. Not knowing something unsettles people, has them uncertain and bewildered. Just like not knowing whether you have secured a promotion, got the grades from your exam results, where your youngest child is when you are in a supermarket or what the outcome of a life-changing decision will be, the sensation of not knowing is one which causes anxiety for most people.

This becomes especially problematic for empathic individuals. Not being told what is wrong by a significant other, a family member or a friend, is even worse for an empathic individual because this offends many empathic traits.

  1. You want to help. When you see that somebody is troubled by something it is an instinctive reaction on your part to want to help them and you cannot but help but try to assist. If you are not told what it is, you cannot help and the increases your frustration.
  2. Your propensity for self-examination. If you are not told what the issue is, you will then spend a considerable amount of time trying to work it out as you replay conversations, analyse recent events as you seek a third party influence which has caused our behaviour and then ultimately you will examine whether you have caused the problem and if so how.
  3. You capacity for self blame. Without being furnished with the details of what is causing our behaviour, you indulge in the behaviour at two above and eventually all roads lead to a moment of mea culpa as you self-flagellate and decide you must have done something wrong. After all, nobody becomes upset for no reason do they?
  4. You are a truth seeker. Accordingly, you need to know the truth of what is making us furious or causing us to sulk.
  5. You are a love devotee. The person you love is upset, angry or tormented and this pains you. You suffer the emotional contagion arising from this and feel our pain as your own and with any pain you want to make it stop.
  6. You expect honesty in all dealings and especially from those close to you. You expect us to be honest and tell you what is annoying us.
  7. You are a problem solver and you need to fix the problem which is so apparent in its appearance.
  8. You are a good listener. You want to listen and if only we would explain what it is that is upsetting us so much, you will readily sit and listen, but please, please just tell you what it is.

All of these factors means that our failure to tell you what is wrong offends so much of what is important to you with the result that you become concerned, confused, hurt, anxious and even angry. This naturally leads to one place; fuel.

From your perspective, you know that if you talk about a problem you feel better. A problem shared and all that. You also know that you have the skill set and the tools to make everything okay. You have that selfless willingness to attend to the needs of others and remedy the ill. You want to collaborate, resolve the problem and that way we will feel better and in turn so will you. You cannot walk away from not knowing what it is. You have to know.

This near inescapable desire to know what it is that is wrong results in people falling into traps in terms of finding a reason why we are not talking about it to you. This is because the victim does not know what they are dealing with. He or she does not understand that they are dealing with one of our kind so instead, they will become ensnared in one of the many misleading traps. These are propounded by popular and incorrect reasons as to why some people will not talk about a problem and arise from ignorance about our kind. In such an instance you will hear comments such as

“He is the strong, silent type.”

“She has trouble trusting people, that is why she says nothing.”

“He feels silly admitting to having a problem.”

“He wants to sort things out for himself.”

“She won’t rely on other people. It is pride.”

“He has always learned to deal with things on his own.”

“Stiff upper lip I guess.”

“He doesn’t do feelings.”

Whilst there may be a kernel of truth in the applicability of these comments to the situation they are not the whole and sole reason for the failure to communicate the problem to you. The reason that someone who is of our kind will not tell you what is wrong goes beyond these comments.

The Lesser

If you are entangled with a Lesser Narcissist he will not tell you what is wrong because he does not know what is wrong. His less well-developed ability to control his environment means that the slightest disruption threatens his control as a whole. You are not doing what he wants but he does not know what he wants. All he realises is that something is wrong, but he cannot identify it. He cannot articulate what it is and this manifests as his increased irritation and annoyance. Indeed, the restlessness he experiences from the sensation of feeling like he is losing control is what is behind his need to lash out at you.

Your desire to help only serves to annoy him all the more. As you keep asking what is the matter, you are actually reinforcing the shortcoming and repeatedly reminding him of the problem that he cannot identify. Accordingly, his skewed logic will readily conclude that you are the problem. You are the problem and your repeated reminders of this shortcoming constitutes as criticism. The fury is thus ignited and it will erupt as heated fury. You still try to ascertain what is wrong but all you are then doing is pouring fuel (in both senses) on the fire that rages inside of the Lesser.

The Mid-Ranger

The Mid-Ranger reaches the same conclusion as the Lesser, namely you are the problem. He does so far quicker as a consequence of his increased cognitive ability. He cannot put his finger on what it is that you are doing that is causing his sense of dread, that feeling of instability and vulnerability, but he recognises that it is something to do with you. It has to be you. He will not say however that it is you because the attention which is generated by you keep asking him is making him feel better, because of course it is fuel. He senses that you are the problem therefore it make sense to keep you guessing as to what his problem might be. After all, you should be able to work out what is wrong without him needing to tell you if you truly love us. You should be able to ascertain the problem and remedy it because we expect this level of telepathy and second-guessing.

The Mid-Ranger cannot tell you what is wrong, because just like the Lesser, he does not know, but he knows straight away that it is something to do with you. Therefore he wants you to work it out and resolve the problem and he will not provide you with any input, why should he? He may talk in vague terms in order to keep the guessing game going so you are lead down dead ends and blind alleys and all the while fuel is obtained.

The Greater

As you would expect, the Greater knows full well what is wrong. He knows you are at fault (because of course everything has to be your fault) and this is because you are failing in your role. If you were performing as an effective appliance he would not feel this way. You are clearly not functioning and therefore you need to be punished until you eventually start to function again. Note this does not mean that you actually identify a problem and solve it, but rather that you start to provide fuel, comply with the Greater’s demands and submit to his or her control.

The Greater is never going to tell you what the problem is. To do so would be furnishing the enemy with secret information and that cannot happen. To tell you that you are not functioning and you are eroding his sense of control would be tantamount to ceding further control to you. Our sense of wariness will prohibit us from disseminating such information. Instead, as part of regaining control, the Greater knows that having you flow with fuel and pleading for him to talk to you is all part of the game which must be played. He is superior and not in the business of giving you any insight into his dark mind. You are  there to have your strings pulled and he will delight in doing the same keeping you in the dark, upset and begging for him to talk to you. He may embark on lengthy but ultimately meaningless monologues, grandstanding and pontificating but all this is done purely to tie you up in further knots.

What do you do?

Recognise it is happening and now understand why that is.

Ask once what is wrong. Don’t expect to receive an answer or if you do, do not expect it to be meaningful or helpful. You have however discharged your obligation by asking us what the problem is.

Understand that repeatedly asking us what is the matter is only providing us with fuel and allowing us to regain control. If you keep asking, we will just keep going with the game of not telling you. Once we see fuel flowing we want it to keep flowing.

Instead, ask and if you receive no answer or a meaningless answer just state

“Okay, I am sure you will tell me when you are ready.”

Then walk away.

You are not giving fuel, so we have not scented ‘blood’ and thus there is no feeding frenzy. Your comment is not a criticism however because you have allowed power to vest in us by leaving the decision with us. You can then get on with what you want to do. Yes, you will be accused of not caring, but do not respond. Yes, you are likely to face further pressure to draw fuel from you, but move away from us or if you cannot engage in a different task and if you feel the need to say something, just state in a neutral fashion.

“I have asked and I understand you will tell me when you decide you want to. That is fine.”

By asking once, leaving the decision with us, re-stating that position (if need be) not encouraging a fuel-frenzy and not wounding us, the particular manipulation that is being allied with not telling you what is wrong will fizzle out. You will then have saved yourself worry, energy concern and anxiety.

 

 

 

untitled-design

 

STOP PLAYING THE BLAME GAME

Why is it always your fault? Why does the narcissist never accept that he or she is to blame? How are they so adept at blaming others and especially you? Why do they do that? How do they achieve this blame evasion? What is behind their need to place the blame elsewhere? Why do narcissists create blame bombs and what do they do with them? These questions and more besides are posed and answered in the usual direct style, straight from the caustic tongue of the narcissist himself. Understand the reasons behind the narcissist’s relationship with blame and finally understand why it is always your fault.

 

US e-book here

UK e-book here

CAN e-book here

AUS e-book here

 

 

why-wont-he

During your seduction if we were not bombarding you with those delicious text messages complimenting you, inviting you out and describing what we would like to do to you in bed that night, then when you answered us you would invariably receive a lightning quick response. This is all part of the conditioning which is part of the seduction see  Message Hook .Even if we were driving we managed to rattle off a reply, during a meeting there would be a surreptitious response texted from underneath the desk or boardroom table and what about those late night messages which made you smile and think about us? Yes, we were ensconced in our bolt hole be it the study or a silent trip to the bathroom or even we lay in bed texting you as the outgoing primary source slept beside us oblivious to what was going on. Heady and exciting times indeed.

All of that has now changed. You send a text and there is no response. You send another. No answer. You issue another text. Still no reply. You know of no reason why we cannot respond, in fact you checked we would be around this morning and we said that we would. We used to answer at any time. Your pleasant enquiries soon take on the tone of concern, irritation, hurt and anger as every time you send one there is no response from us. Why does this happen?

There are a number of factors involved in our behaviour when we are not answering your text messages and this includes what type of appliance you are, the stage you are in during the narcissistic cycle and what school of narcissist that you are dealing with.

The Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”)

The most likely form of appliance which asks the question as to why he or she is not replying to the text messages.

Seduction

It is extremely rare for us not to answer your text messages during seduction. As I have described above, anytime, anyplace and anywhere we will be looking to text you and respond to your messages as part of the love-bombing seduction. It is worth pointing out that this period is not the initial stages of the seduction (you will be an Intimate Partner Secondary Source or Non-Intimate (so far) Secondary Source at that stage, but rather as the seduction has progressed and we have made you our primary source, we continue to embed and bind you to us as part of the golden period. We want to receive your glorious positive fuel and our ‘phone will be about our person as we are loving, caring and attentive. If we do not reply during seduction it is probably because we are grappling an alligator and cannot reach the ‘phone or we have been kidnapped and our hands and feet are tied and our head restrained so we cannot prod the ‘phone with our nose. Yes, it needs to be that extreme to stop us from answering during seduction.

Devaluation

This is where the failure to reply to you is deliberate. We invariably know that you are messaging us because we are rarely without our ‘phone which is the mission control of our operations.

We may have our ‘phone in our pocket and the repeated buzz as you message us is felt. We may look once to confirm that it is you trying to get in touch with us and then we deposit the ‘phone away once again. This is because we are busy seducing somebody else, busy gaining fuel from another source. It does not have to necessarily be somebody who we are trying to bed or recruit to become the new primary source. It might be our inner circle secondary source friends who were are drinking with and thus we are triangulating you with them. They do not know you are messaging, but we do. Accordingly, we gain fuel from the proximity of our inner circle friends whilst the repeated vibration of the ‘phone gives us Thought Fuel as we envisage you becoming more and more frustrated with our failure to answer you.

Alternatively, our ‘phone will be on display. We might be on our own, watching a film, wanting to stay away from you as we dole out this silent treatment. We may alternatively be with other people. Those other people could be inner or outer circle friends, it could be a secondary source which we are busy seducing in order to recruit them as your replacement. We have the ‘phone on display so we can see that it is you who is messaging us and we can see all or part of your messages. This enables us to gain fuel from seeing the emotional content of your messages as you plead with us, insult us, exhibit hurt or concern. If we are alone, giving you a silent treatment from some bolt hole, we gain fuel and feel our power reinforced. If we are with other people they may see your name keep flashing up and even be able to see part of the message. This provides us with an opportunity to gain extra fuel from the reactions of those who are with us. If the people indicate they have seen the message or pass comment we will reply:-

“See what I mean about her trying to spoil my nights out with you guys, she is such a control freak.”

“What can I say dudes? She is just totally obsessed with me, but who can blame her?”

“Who is Rachel? Oh that’s some obsessive ex. Don’t worry about her, she does this all the time. I don’t block her because then she would start stalking me in person again, it is easier to let the ‘phone take the strain.”

“Who is Emma? This is the nutjob I am trying to finish with and as you can see she won’t let go. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about her, tell me more about your favourite films and let me get you another drink.”

“Who is Joanne? I dated her a couple of times. As you can tell she is rather keen on me by how often she is messaging me.”

Thus you are often smeared to the other appliances and their reactions provide fuel. It is also done to encourage the prospective replacement to work harder to gain our attention as per the final comment above.

You receive a silent treatment through our failure to respond, we gain fuel from seeing your messages and if we are triangulating you we will gain fuel from the other appliance or appliances that we are with. It is all calculated.

There may be occasions where we will purposefully read the messages. This is not only done to derive fuel from them but is carried out where we know you will know that we have read the message. We can envisage you getting more and more worked up as you know we are reading but clearly not replying. This provides further fuel and allows our devaluation of you to be made loud and clear to you.

When we do eventually reply be it hours or days later it is done to gather more fuel from you. Invariably your response is one of relief and delight that we have got in touch and we receive a blast of positive fuel. If it is hurt or anger then we receive negative fuel instead. We may not give you any explanation as to why we have not responded deeming you not worthy of one, such is our arrogance. Alternatively, our explanation is framed around your response. If you are giving us positive fuel we will trot out some excuse about not being able to use the ‘phone, the ‘phone being broken etc (see the excuses listed in Being Mobile ) These explanations may sound plausible and even if they do not, you are too relieved and delighted we are back in touch to make an issue about it (something we rely on). Do not accept those explanations. They are all lies. They are said to avoid accountability and the truth is the failure to respond was completely deliberate. If you are giving us negative fuel, then we will blame you for the reason we did not respond in order to provoke you further and gain yet more negative fuel, saying that we needed some space, that you never leave us alone, that you are always trying to control us and such like.

In terms of the type of narcissist who fails to reply to the text messages, the fact is this form of manipulation is used by all of the schools of narcissism. The Lesser is most likely to ignore you completely. He will have gained fuel from the institution of the silent treatment (although the silent treatment is not one of his favoured methods of manipulation) but rather the failure to respond is representative of the compartmentalisation which we engage in  ( see Compartment Store ) and the Lesser has closed the door on you (for the time being) as he focusses on dealing with somebody else. Given his lower cognitive function and lower energy levels, he is less likely to juggle two people in the instant and therefore he would rather not be bothered by you at all as he concentrates on drawing fuel from another source, especially that which is being recruited to replace you.

The Mid-Ranger’s favourite method of manipulation is the silent treatment and therefore he will make repeated use of not answering texts in order to control you, make you feel inferior, assert his superiority in this passive aggressive manner and most of all of course to gain fuel. He is most likely to keep the ‘phone in his pocket as he seeks to seduce a new primary source, savouring the vibrations and taking the occasional glance when the target has gone to the bar or to the bathroom. He will have the ‘phone on display when he is alone, delighting in reading your messages and will also make use of allowing you to know he has read the message and still has not replied. He is less likely to be so brazen as to have the ‘phone on display so others can comment on it.

The Greater will delight in having the phone in a prominent position, lighting up and beeping, glancing at it and ensuring that if he is with other people then they see that he is in demand and it allows him to engage in triangulation. It appeals to our sense of superiority and string-pulling that we can demonstrate that someone is trying to get in contact with us and we can brush it off, dismiss istand explain it away as we rope somebody else in and they accept what we are saying without question, allowing us to note that our charm and manipulative guile remain at the top of their game.

If your messages are not being answered there is next to no doubt that you are being manipulated and this is entirely for our benefit.

Part Two examines the reason why text messages are not answered when dealing with Non Intimate Secondary Sources, Intimate Partner Secondary Sources and Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Sources.

 

 HOW THE NARCISSISTTURNS A TRAITAGAINST YOU.jpg

The chime of my ‘phone alerted me to the arrival of a text. There was nothing unusual in that. Scores arrive daily and this rises to beyond a hundred and more when the glorious seduction has commenced of a fresh, prime target. I looked over with half-interest to my ‘phone and see a name which attracted a greater level of interest. It is from Jane. An ex. One of the many exes. I stopped what I was doing and reached for my ‘phone and opened up the message.

“It would be 2 years today x”

A flame rose inside of me at this sudden provision of fuel. Even better it was unsolicited. Goodness me, would it have been two years? How time flies. The power flowed, generated by this welcome dollop of fuel. Dear Jane, always the one for remembering dates. She sent me a card and a gift to mark 1 month together. She pole-danced for me to commemorate one month since we first had sex (no the pole-dance and the card and gift were on different dates, just in case you were wondering. I am a gentleman after all). She sent a card to remind me that is was three months since our first kiss, a month since I first stayed overnight at her house, six months since we first set eyes on another. I used to call her the Chronicler for her ability to remember the anniversary of certain key moments in our relationship. At first I was suitable impressed by her memory and power of recall but then I realised that she had assistance. On one particular occasion I was having a good look around her house whilst she was out, opening draws, cupboards and so on in order to learn more about this enticing individual who I had seduced and in the process of this trawl I found a diary. At the rear she had a list of key moments in our relationship with the date written next to it. First date, first kiss, first time we had sex, first time pet name was used, first weekend away, first “I love you” and so on. Each milestone, from the trivial to the fundamental had been carefully written in her neat hand-writing (she always wrote with a Mont Blanc fountain pen – something which I liked until I decided to bend the nib one day after she accused me of forgetting her mother’s birthday. I didn’t forget. I deliberately did not remember). Each moment, each occasion had been carefully committed to the rear of this diary and beside it the date inserted as well. I was impressed and as I sat reading it, I felt the fuel of her dedication and admiration pouring over me. She was not there to do it but I knew from reading those neat entries just how much we meant to her, just how important I was and the fuel flowed. I remember sitting on her bed clasping the leather bound diary and realising that Jane was meeting my expectations and that I had such high hopes for her. The reminders and commemorations kept coming. She never forgot anything. Naturally the more traditional anniversaries – birthdays, Christmas and so forth were addressed and not only for me, but close friends, family and even Matrinarc.

Of course this slavish devotion to the recollection of events could not go unused by me. When she fell from grace and her denigration and devaluation began I would always send her a reminder written in black ink (using a superior Mont Blanc fountain pen) on a crisp piece of thick white paper inserted into a stylish small envelope. I would leave these reminders on her pillow, on her car seat, under her windscreen wiper, in her bag, on her laptop and so forth.

–         1 week since I last spoke to you –

–         2 months since our first argument –

–         5 days since I rang you –

–         A month since we last made love –

–         A week since the last silent treatment –

–         Three months since I took you anywhere

I have no idea if the timing was entirely correct with some of them, it was the effects I was after. Sometimes she would telephone me and question why I had done this. If it was during a silent treatment I said nothing but listened, allowing her strained tones to fuel me. Other times I would just stare at her and then snarl an insult, causing her to jump and her fearful look would naturally provide me with further fuel. On other occasions she did not manage to contact me but it did not matter because I knew how she would be responding as I used the very thing she liked to engage as an endearing gesture from her to me in our relationship, against her. We like to take the wonderful and then batter it, rust it, twist it and warp it so it resembles something else entirely and this act of defiling is powerful indeed in its effect.

Soon I accelerated their use at one stage having them delivered through her door on a daily basis.

–         One day since I realised I hate you –

–         Two days since I realised I hate you –

–         Three days since I realised I hate you –

–         Four days since I realised I hate you –

–         Five days since I realised I hate you

–         Six days since I realised I hate you –

–         Seven days since I realised I hate you –

–         Eight days since I realised I hate you –

–         Nine days since I realised I hate you –

–         Ten days since I realised I hate you –

–         I don’t hate you. I love you –

That last note was a highly effective respite hoover which had her call me straight away and I answered straight away and her sobbed relief poured over me with such potency, marvellous fuel that it was. Once again by using the very tool she deployed in our relationship I was able to bend it and her to my will.

Eventually she was cast aside, the new prospect of Andrea having come into my sights and dear Jane was removed, not even afforded the courtesy of being a memory. That is until that text message arrived.

A foolish move on her part to reach out to me in this way but having received the text, I knew that it was inevitable she would have done it and indeed I know that when it is 3 years, 5 years or 10 years she will keep sending these reminders. Her memory had been conditioned this way. Notwithstanding the pain it will invariably cause her she wanted me to know that she remembered still. The addition of a single ‘x’ was the green light which told me that my follow-up hoover (of course there would be one) will succeed and she would respond to it. Dangerous to apply those kisses. She had entered my sphere of influence. I did not want her back, I was busy with Andrea and that seduction, but this reminder told me that there was fuel just waiting to be collected. All I had to decide was how I was going to go about. There was no need to be malign about it, a benign follow-up hoover would work but in what form and for how long? That was what then occupied my mind as once again I remembered dear Jane and her delicious fuel. So good of her to remind me.