Regrets

REGRETS

 

Dr E explained that he wanted to discuss with me the issue of regret.

“Have you ever regretted anything?” he asked.

“No,” I answered promptly.

“I see. What do you understand by regret?”

“It is a feeling of sadness or perhaps disappointment over something that you have done or failed to do.”

“When have you experienced that feeling?” he asked.

“I haven’t.”

“If I tell you that most people have regrets, which ones would you remember?”

“Which of their regrets would I remember?” I asked. He looked up at me over the top of his red and black note pad and raised his eyebrows.

“I haven’t had any,” I repeated.

“Why do you think that is?”

“Let me see. Probably because I have had nothing to express regret about. The absence of something tends to be the reason why you have not something, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Okay. Now in your many explanations to me you have explained some of the things that you have done. Yes,” he noticed I was going to interrupt him but he kept going, “I know you detailed those at my behest and I appreciate you sharing that information with me. Those acts of commission and omission led to people feeling angry with you, hurt and upset. Would you agree?”

I nodded.

“Okay. Now I would suggest that one might feel regret at having caused those people to feel that way. Would you agree?”

“You might feel a sense of regret Dr E but I do not.”

“Why is that?”

“Why to which part? Why you might feel a sense of regret or why I do not?”

If he was irritated by my pedantry he was not showing it.

“The latter.”

“Because I am not at fault. In all those instances it is the other person’s fault.”

“How about some examples?”

“Okay. Kate’s dog went missing. Do you remember me telling you about that?” He nodded. “If she had cared for it properly and given me the attention I deserve it would not have been lost. Christopher who was fired from his position, he was incompetent. Emily kept asking me the wrong questions so that is why she was treated in that way. Sophie kept asking me what I was thinking so that is why I lost my temper and smashed her television. As for Paula, she was late so I walked off and left her to find her own way home. Do you want me to go on?”

“No, that is sufficient.”

“If people tried harder, if they were more thoughtful then this would not happen. I can do it so why not they? I will tell you why. They become weak and complacent. They think that they can not invest any energy into our relationship, whether intimate or not, any longer. If you do not feed something it will wither and die. They brought it on themselves and they are the ones at fault. My reaction was perfectly natural. I was entitled to respond the way I did. They cannot judge me, they have no jurisdiction to do so, certainly not when they let me down every single time.  They bring it on themselves with their weakness and their whining, their reluctance to do what is needed, what I need. It sickens me doctor, it truly sickens me.

Have you any idea how difficult it is to find someone who retains my interest, someone scintillating enough to match my brilliance?

It is impossible. I try Dr E, I bloody well try to I offer them the world in the hope that just this once they will match my expectations and not let me down.

It always happens. I am always let down. She did it the first time and then it happened again and now it is repeated.

Why? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve being treated like this?

I regret nothing doctor because nothing is my fault.”

71 thoughts on “Regrets

  1. Valkyrie says:

    I very much appreciate regret. I am glad it lingers. It is a reminder not to touch the hot stove. It keeps me from making the same mistake over and over.

  2. Sweetest Perfection says:

    Why does this guy remind me of Tom Hanks?

    1. MommyPino says:

      Haha he does look like Tom Hanks!

  3. Liza says:

    I wish i could keep my empathy so i don’t do something hurtfull to someone by pure inconsideration and selfishness, but if by mistake i end up being wrong i really wish i had the ability not to regret, because it is pure and simple torture, for me it is the worst feeling a human being can experience beause it hurts a lot and it never fades away and the slightest reminder about the event will make it hurt exactly like the first time i realised what i did.

  4. lickemtomorrow says:

    I regret marrying a narcissist and then falling in love with another one.

    My list of regrets is long, and sometimes I think it is all my fault.

    Maybe this is the place to lay some of those regrets down … understanding I didn’t know then what I do know now.

    1. Eternity says:

      Same here , I regret marrying a Narcissist.
      I pray I dont get ensnared again in the future .
      I will always have HG in spirit if I ever go on dates. I will remind myself all.the things he has warned us about. Mirroring, texting. And talking badly about his ex. If we both ending up liking Celion Dion then that is a huge Red Flag ha ha.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Not the only one praying not to be ensnared again, Eternity. Let’s hope those prayers are answered <3

        1. Eternity says:

          I hope out prayers are answered ! We deserve happiness without them in our lives

  5. lickemtomorrow says:

    One of my narc ex-husband’s favourite songs was “Je ne regret rien” … I regret nothing … Edith Piaf.

    After a major falling out with my narc-ex I shared a song about regret with him – obviously I was the one at fault – “if I could start today again” (sung by Missy Higgins, written by Paul Kelly).

    It is unfathomable to me not to experience regret/remorse at a wrongdoing.

    It is unfathomable to me to understand how a narcissist cannot feel the same.

    None of my narcissist’s every offered me an apology, apart from the last as a means of hoovering me (so a false apology). And because I couldn’t fathom otherwise I believed it was sincere.

    I was left high and dry on the apology front all round and it wouldn’t have meant anything anyway apparently!

    And with every bone in my body I still want them to regret what they have done.

    Guess I’ll be waiting a long time …

    1. Another Cat says:

      Hi Lickemtomorrow
      What an enormous fuel source for a narc. First cheating and hurtig and stealing, then reinforcing through music “Je ne regrette rien” that he likes just fine what he did to you. They really are 3-year-olds.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Hi AC, for him it was the perfect caveat to the relationship we had … he was remorseless and regretted nothing while I regretted almost everything! Justified in everything he did/didn’t do, it was a no win situation for me. There was not an iota of conscience. He just didn’t care.

        I remember our first Christmas together (we’d been married 3 weeks) he took off during the day on Christmas Eve – supposedly to deliver some presents – and then rocked up drunk with a friend at around 2am on Christmas morning. He’d left me alone on Christmas Eve to go drinking with his friends. We were supposed to go to friends the following day for Christmas lunch and I was livid so refusing to go. Another friend of his came around to cajole me and when I realized I would be spending Christmas Day on my own otherwise I decided to go. There’s more to that saga, but I’ll save it for now. It was absolutely devastating at the time, and the best part looking back on it now is that the friend was the one trying to talk me round. My husband offered no apology and could not give two sh*ts if I went or was left on my own.

        With a ring on my finger, I was determined to try and stay in it for the long haul.

        1. smarinucci1970 says:

          Hey lick on tomorrow how you doing hun listen forget about the narcs and get on with your life be the best you could be that’s the best revenge I did it , and if I CAN so you can do it I don’t think about it anymore I don’t talk about it anymore I don’t live it anymore I can enjoy myself I’m free I’m healing up nicely from my two total hip replacements I’m enjoying the weather I’m enjoying music and art again my animals are beautiful they surround me I’m cooking recipes I haven’t in years I’m taking better care of myself and my looks and my health I’m looking good again be the best you can be I’m probably old enough to be your mother if I can do it and I’m all alone then you can do it good luck🎵🌙

    2. FYC says:

      LET, I’m so sorry you were treated without empathy by your Nex. He cannot apologize because he is blind (defended) to the view that he could be at fault. Further, even if he could, to apologize would be akin to giving you his power/control. To do any of these things would placing his perfected defense–which he adopted for survival–at risk. This can never happen. Therefore, he is blameless, you are blamed and no apology is warranted. The defense reins supreme because it is a matter of survival at the most basic level of psychological consciousness. This is one reason why I feel compassion for my Ns. At one point in their life, they internalized a lack of control to be a life threat and the N defense was their lifeline. Please know this is not to say I excuse bad behavior, I do not and I am Zero Impact, but I do understand and have great empathy for both sides in different ways.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Hey FYC, you speak so much sense and sometimes it hard to absorb when the hurt comes to the fore. That is why it is good to be here because we are able to apply logic to something seemingly illogical. We can’t make sense of it, we are hurt by it and the narcissist’s lack of regret is almost like rubbing salt into the wounds.

        When I read HGs article it makes sense to me from a narcissistic perspective. Oh, to be free of the burden of regret … and the other side to that is the lack of an apology. Where is my apology?

        I probably wouldn’t want an apology unless it was sincere. And it cannot be sincere as the narcissist doesn’t see he/she is at fault.

        I think I’m back to my no win situation, but I better understand it from another perspective.

        The narcissist is all for driving forward, and somehow I can’t help looking behind.

        1. FYC says:

          Dear LET, You have regrets because you loved him and intended to stay. You believed in the illusion. You loved the illusion. When that changed and the abuse began, you could not “square up” the enormity of the difference (cognitive dissonance). This is normal and understandable. In your belief system, people are decent and caring and if they hurt another, they feel badly for hurting them and apologize. This does not and cannot happen with a narcissist as it would breach his defense.

          If a narcissist were to give an apology, it would be empty and used for manipulative purposes. What would it mean? It would only be yet another tool to secure his prime aims. It would be empty. There is no value in an unfelt apology by anyone. I would suggest such an empty apology is more of a pathetic insult.

          You do not need his apology. It is more about working through your pain and letting go. I very highly recommend Zero Impact. It will help free you from your anguish and set you on course to becoming free in every way possible. Not only from past negative influences, but potential future ones as well. You will be set on the healthiest course and you will master your life experience going forward. ZI will change everything if you truly apply it. Your heart will rejoice and you will no longer be at the mercy of another or look to the past.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            Thank you, FYC <3

            It seems you know me better than I know myself …

            The breaching of the defense is what I would hope to get to, in the sense of understanding it and in many ways I do. Only because HG has been so forthright in his explanation of the same. While I can apply it to HG, I can do so because he has not hurt me. But he also stands as a bridge between two worlds – mine (the empath) and his (the narcissist). It is a bridge of understanding and I thank you for reminding me of that. I'm not sure emotional thinking can be applied to the hurt because it is real and felt deeply. So, there must be a passage where we move from this deeply felt emotion and into a place where we can be released from that. Maybe "Zero Impact" is a way to achieve that, so I will look to your recommendation, FYC.

            I agree an empty apology is useless. So I need to stop looking for that.

            No doubt my deeply held desire (and trait) for justice is what is at the bottom of that.

            I appreciate you helping to clarify a few things for me again today. It takes time.

          2. FYC says:

            LET, I do understand and empathize. Your feelings are very valid and meant to be felt and understood. I know it takes time to integrate your feelings with all you are learning here from HG. I also know you will achieve this and find your peace (as long as you do not engage with the N or another N). I believe that bridge you seek is acceptance, at least it was for me. It takes time. I hope you soon find the healing that you seek. You deserve that and you deserve so much more.

          3. Violetta says:

            LET:

            Here’s what I finally learned:

            A) my love was real. He was not.

            B) I do not have to be ashamed of my love. Had the person he pretended to be been real, he would have been entirely worthy of my love. I need not apologize for my bad taste. This was a classic bait-and-switch, where the product advertised is not what’s actually on the shelves.

            C. He isn’t capable of a real apology because unless he’s a Greater, he doesn’t even know the difference between the Samsung Smart TV he pretended to be and the Element ELEFW328C he really is.

            Perhaps we shouldn’t make a habit of seeing people as appliances, the way narcs do, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to avoid bringing a piece of junk into your home.

  6. Eternity says:

    HG ,since you dont have fear, isnt there anything you regret in life.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No. Regret is pointless.

      1. Eternity says:

        Great positive attitude !

  7. December Infinity says:

    I regret not seeking out my freedom sooner, but since I was in a full on war zone it was a challenge to do on my own due to all the violence. While it took time to get rid of the last narcissist (turns out from all the reading I have been doing here that he wasn’t the first!), I am here now, on the way to better things. Time to tune up the narcdar.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      Probably a regret most of us would share, DI, and circumstances can be preventative for sure.

      I’m so glad you got out and escaped the violence, too. It can be a major deterrent in terms of escape.

      Funny how the awakening to one narcissist awakens you to others, too. That has been my experience as well.

      Happy to hear it’s onwards and upwards for you from here on in <3

      1. December Infinity says:

        Thank you lickemtomorrow! It is a good feeling to be out of the situation with the narc. I am sure many of us have plenty of learning to do! Each day will get better 🙂

  8. blackcoffee30 says:

    I regret not fucking a bartender who looked like young Billy Zane. My empathic nature stopped me. I didn’t go home with him after he closed up the bar because I felt guilty that I was leaving my friend alone in the hotel room. Never again. We discussed it. Now, I’m allowed to go hookup guilt free when me and her are on our little road trips.

    1. Sweetest Perfection says:

      The past is the past, blackcoffee. I regret not sleeping with a sexy German guy because I didn’t shave my legs. Now it’s too late for that but it taught me what not to think about in future moments like that.

      1. lisk says:

        . . . or always make sure that one’s legs are shaved.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Lisk, I prefer waxing though. But I am about to switch to laser.

          1. blackcoffee30 says:

            Do it! I had laser done years ago, so I have very few sprinkles on my muffin. I prefer waxing, but don’t like waiting for it go grow out enough to wax, so I end up shaving.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Blackcoffee you crack me up with your euphemisms: peach, muffin… haha.

          3. Eternity says:

            Me too SP, I am switched to laser and say goodbye to unwanted hair forever just like the Narcs.

          4. Another Cat says:

            I do the no-pain-before-date version and use H&M Veet cream to remove leg hairs.

            Need good-scent body lotion afterwards tho…

          5. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Another cat, I have tried those in the past but found them really messy. And yes they have a very strong scent. I am sure HG is finding this thread very insightful, if not enlightening.

          6. Another Cat says:

            Sweetest P

            Works on the peachmuffin as well.

          7. blackcoffee30 says:

            Oh! *squee* you changed your avi to Loubies! I asked if Christian was a N on my private consultation list. Adore him!

      2. Fiddleress says:

        Now that’s too bad, SP, because most Germans tend to think nothing of unshaved legs!
        Which is a cool.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Fiddleress, I learned that later, though I wouldn’t have anyway. I remember using that as a strategy to avoid having sex on the first date.

          1. Fiddleress says:

            Now that I’ve sailed past my twenties (or something like that, haha), I think it says a lot about a man who tries to have sex with you on the first date – namely, that he shouldn’t even be granted a second date.
            Now, there’s the theory, and then there’s the practice…

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            But the strategy is for me! I’m the one that wants to have sex on the first date!

          3. Fiddleress says:

            Hahaha, SP, that’s a different story, then! I thought your previous comment meant you did not.

      3. blackcoffee30 says:

        Fortunately? Unfortunately? the unshaved game plan didn’t work for me. haha

        1. Witch says:

          A real man is not scared of a little pwsy hair in his teeth

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Witch,
            Exactly, that’s why dental floss and toothpicks were invented 😁
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. Eternity says:

            Ha ha , that’s what a Brazilian wax is for.

      4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dearest Sweetest Perfection,
        Men aren’t interested in your legs lovely one
        It’s what’s holding them together
        😂
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          What? I thought it was my brain!

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Sweetest Perfection,
            We wish 😂
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        2. Violetta says:

          Bubbles:

          “Men aren’t interested in your legs lovely one
          It’s what’s holding them together”

          Should that be shaven or unshaven?

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Violetta,
            Hahahahaha
            I guess it depends if you live in a hot or cold climate 😂
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    2. Asp Emp says:

      Kudos to you BC30

    3. lickemtomorrow says:

      Billy Zane is hot 😉

      1. Eternity says:

        He played amazing as a Narcissist in Titanic.

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          Ahh, another narc on film! I never even thought about that.

          Guess I couldn’t take my eyes off Leo <3

          1. Eternity says:

            Leo was a sweety !

          2. Eternity says:

            Leo was the king of the world!

    4. alexissmith2016 says:

      hahah see if you can find him BC.

      I regret not eating more chocolate and drinking more gin!

  9. Asp Emp says:

    HG, did you replace Sophie’s television?

    1. dollysupreme says:

      Lol yeah HG we wanna know 😂

      1. Asp Emp says:

        LOL. We may never know…..

  10. dollysupreme says:

    Actually sometimes wish I could feel like this. No caring and no regrets….As much as we see narcs as being sired from Lucifer’s loins, it’s not fun being an empath either…..Sometimes I think it’s just as bad.

    1. Violetta says:

      No choice. I desperately wanted to be a sociopath as a teenager, but it was too late.

      1. blackcoffee30 says:

        LOL shut up Violetta!!! you made me spew sparkling water out of my nose 😂 it hurt!

        1. Asp Emp says:

          LOL

    2. WokeAF says:

      I imagine it all the time. What it must feel like ,— not having my well being tied up in the well being of my loved ones.
      Sometimes I pretend none of them exist for a couple minutes…just to feel the relief wash over me of just getting to be myself & feel my own feelings and nobody else’s.

      I often wonder if it’s possible for me (more than 50% contagion) to ever know what it feels like to exist just in my own feelings
      ..but then I think I maybe wouldn’t be as good of a mom. Then again, maybe I’d be a better one.

      I’ve often tried to imagine being a sociopath. I think I get it- but only as much as is possible for a non sociopathic mind .and even so there are those who understand it more- It’s a dark place – the type of abyss that Defin stares back. It almost feels contagious, tho everyone incl HG says it’s not.

      1. WokeAF says:

        As far as regrets re: narcs?
        ZERO

        I’m a better version of who I was.
        Narcs began this change
        HG completed it

        Now i know things
        I always wanted a magical world
        Xray glasses on the human condition wasn’t the magic I wished for
        But it’s hella good

        1. Violetta says:

          And I know things now
          Many valuable things
          That I hadn’t known before
          Do not put your faith
          In a cape and a hood
          They will not protect you
          The way that they should
          And take extra care with strangers
          Even flowers have their dangers
          And though scary is exciting
          Nice is different than good
          Now I know: Don’t be scared
          Granny is right, Just be prepared
          Isn’t it nice to know a lot!
          And a little bit not

          – Sondheim, Into the Woods

    3. Fiddleress says:

      Dollysupreme
      I’d say being an empath is worse, for us.
      Many people tell HG it must be exhausting to be a narcissist, but I find it totally exhausting to be an empath.
      Sometimes I wish some sort of brain surgery was available, the sort that could reduce the volume of empathy!

      1. WokeAF says:

        Spend enough of your life as IPPS and your empathy will reduce out of self defence

        1. Fiddleress says:

          9 years not enough (the longest)?
          Apparently not, in my case.

          1. Fiddleress says:

            And also WkeAF, surely spending 40 years of my life at my N mother’s hands, on top of 14 years (I think, all in all) as IPPS, plus 6 years as a ‘friend’ of an N, plus putting up with another familial one for about 15 years… Should be enough to reduce my empathy? All it has done so far is it has made me more vulnerable.
            Time to heal, I trust I will get better thanks to all I am learning here, and putting into practice.

          2. KJ says:

            25 years did it for me!
            I am into boundaries now, in a big way. I have even put boundaries around my feelings and only allow certain people in.
            It is much less exhausting than pouring myself out for every soul I cross paths with.
            I discovered that my heart is a limited resource and precious. I don’t waste my love any more.

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