The Dirty Empath : Relationship Breaker



The Empath. Regarded as a paragon of virtue with those traits of honesty, decency, compassion, love devotee, moral compass and so on. All of which make the empath and their fuel output tempting prey for us. Yet within these virtuous empathic traits sit other traits, narcissistic traits.

There are four schools of empath (Standard, Super, Co-Dependent and Contagion) . Layered on to these schools are the empathic cadres (such as Magnet, Carrier and Geyser).

Each empath within the relevant school has both empathic and narcissistic traits. Some will have a small number of strong empathic traits with few narcissistic traits which are low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are moderate in strength and have few or numerous narcissistic traits which are all very low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are strong and numerous narcissistic traits which are moderate or even quite strong. The key consideration is that, in effect, the empathic traits keep the narcissistic ones ‘in check’ and thus the empathic individuals behaves in a way which is empathic with other people.

There are however two main instances when the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The first is through The Empathic Supernova which is when the empathic traits become ‘dialled down’ or eroded for a temporary time and thus the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The second instance is a permanent state of affairs and this is the cadre of the Dirty Empath. The individual is empathic, of that there is no doubt, they have those empathic traits, they also have narcissistic traits too, however one of those narcissistic traits remains strong and prominent throughout and sits alongside the fewer, weaker narcissistic traits and the various empathic traits of varying strength. This does not mean this person is a narcissist, not at all. It does not mean that this person is not an empath. What it means is that they are an empath but there is one (sometimes there might be more) narcissistic trait which ‘dirties’ their empathic status. Think of the empath coloured white with a black streak running through them. The DE is the class of empath and there are various Dirty Empath streaks.

One of the dirty streaks which runs through the Dirty Empath is that of Marriage Breaker (or Intimate Relationship Breaker). This streak is based on the narcissistic trait of selfishness.

This situation arises where the DE becomes involved with somebody who is already in another relationship. The DE is single. The other person is not. There are those empaths who would never have a relationship with someone who is already committed to another. The level of refusal varies from those who might engage with someone who is dating other people but would not if they are in a steady relationship and not at all with someone who is living with another person and is/or married, through to those who refuse to countenance any romantic interaction with someone who is engaging with other people, at any level.

The Dirty Empath will not actively seek out a romantic relationship with someone who is already married. If the DE knows somebody is in a relationship, they will not pursue that person as that offends the empathic traits of the empath. The narcissistic trait of selfishness is not so strong as to override the empathic traits and cause the DE to want to pursue and engage in a relationship with someone who is already taken, committed to somebody else and so forth. Such an act is the preserve of someone who is a normal (even then it remains unlikely) and is more likely the response of someone who is narcissistic (not an empath and not empathic) or a narcissist.

Accordingly, a Dirty Empath will not target, pursue and engage with a person who is already in a romantic relationship.

That point made, what are the circumstances which give rise to the Dirty Empath Marriage Breaker? There are three.

The common thread where the Dirty Empath Marriage Breaker (“DEMB”) arises is where the DEMB is targeted by the other person. The person will be highly narcissistic or more usually, this person will be one of our kind.

Addressing the three circumstances :-

The Ivory Response

The DEMB is seduced by the Other Person (“OP”). They do not do the seducing. The OP does not tell the DEMB that they are in a relationship and if the OP is (and most likely will be) a narcissist, the DEMB will be the Candidate IPSS or Shelf IPSS. The DEMB may well be strung along in this fashion, oblivious to the fact that the OP is in a relationship, for some time. They may have suspicions but as ever, the OP will use plausible deniability to assuage those concerns. In the usual style of the seduction of the golden period, the DEMB will be taken in and engage romantically with the OP.

You may be thinking that since the DEMB does not know the OP is in a relationship, was not the pursuer and has been seduced, is it not somewhat harsh to describe them as a DEMB? Possibly, but the fact remains that they are romantically entangled with another person who is in a relationship and thus that comes within the umbrella of DEMB.

However, there comes a point where the DEMB finds out that the OP is already in a relationship. This may happen whilst the seduction is ongoing, it may (more likely) occur when there is devaluation or during a period of being placed on the shelf. The DEMB having learned of this will not immediately walk away from the OP. They will, in accordance with their status as a truth seeker want to gain answers from the OP. The relationship will continue. The DEMB will also make it his or her mission to tell the spouse or partner of the OP what has been happening, thus they earn the epitaph of Marriage (Relationship) Breaker or at the very least, disruptor.

The DEMB will fail to get adequate answers from the OP. The DEMB will not however just retreat, upset and distraught at having ‘been played’ and lied to. This is where the DEMB’s selfish trait flares up. Their moral indignation at their situation must be attended to. They will not withdraw and allow the OP and his or her partner to mend matters and patch things up. No, the DEMB will :-

  1. Ensure the OP’s partner knows what has happened in detail and will encourage them to walk away from the OP;
  2. Ensure other people know about the OP’s behaviour;
  3. Ensure the OP is told precisely what a low-life, cheating bastard he or she is.

Once 1,2 and 3 have been achieved, the DEMB then walks away from the carnage caused and endeavours to remain out of the hoovering clutches of the OP, the OP now desperate to find a new IPPS since in all likelihood the actions of the DEMB have caused the narcissist OP to lose his existing IPPS and be looking at a fuel crisis.

Accordingly, the DEMB is not whiter than white because (unwittingly) they engaged in a relationship with an attached OP. They cause carnage through their response to learning of the cheating behaviour of the OP towards themselves and the OP’s IPPS (and possibly other IPSSs). They are not completely blackened however as their response has sought to achieve some good, albeit for selfish reasons. The DEMB walks away from the OP (and tries to stay away) and accordingly the response arrived is off-white, hence ivory.

The Point of No Return

Similar to the above, the DEMB does not know that the OP Narcissist is attached to someone else. The DEMB is pursued, seduced and falls for the OP. At some juncture, the DEMB later learns that the OP is with somebody else. This could be during seduction, when being placed on the shelf or through devaluation.

The response is not one of ivory however.

Instead, the DEMB has reached The Point of No Return. Such is their addiction to the OP Narcissist, such is their desire to keep that person as their own and ‘beat’ the OP’s partner, the DEMB’s narcissistic trait of selfishness rises to the fore, overriding the empathic traits and causing the DEMB to fight for the OP.

He or she will do whatever they can to maximise their chances of being retained by the OP over the OP’s Partner. The combination of the seductive addiction and their own selfish narcissistic trait means that they will :-

  1. Tell the OP’s Partner about their existence;
  2. Focus on winning back/retaining the OP’s interest;
  3. Possibly even smearing the OP’s Partner themselves in order to achieve their aims.

The DEMB’s usual empathic traits are outshone by this single, strong narcissistic trait of selfishness to the extent that they appear to have taken leave of their senses. They want the OP, they see that they should be the one who ‘wins’ the triangulation and they will keep on trying to secure this outcome again and again, even when placed on the shelf or devalued. Of course the OP may well find their relationship with their IPPS in tatters but will not be unduly concerned as the Narcissist OP will feed on the twin stream of fuel and either remain with the original IPPS and dis-engage from the DEMB IPSS or choose the DEMB IPSS instead and continue with the shelf arrangement with them or make them the new IPPS.

The DEMB in these circumstances has reached the Point of No Return, they want the OP and notwithstanding the carnage caused, the roller coaster ride which awaits them, they earn the title of DEMB justifiably.

The White Knight

In this scenario, the OP tells the DEMB that he or she is with someone else. Nevertheless, the narcissist OP will adopt the tactics of

“We are effectively separated.”

“We are only together for the children and lead separate lives otherwise”

“I am being abused.”

“It is a loveless marriage”

“I have tried to make it work but he/she just isn’t interested any more and I have not left because x, y or z”

“My wife doesn’t understand me.”

The DEMB adopts the role of White Knight riding to the rescue to save this poor OP from their misery, their banal existence or the clutches of the tyrant spouse. It is the familiar story of faked misery and abuse manufactured by the narcissist OP, the cultivation of the DEMB in the role of rescuer, the OP as ‘victim’ and the OP’s Partner as the ‘perpetrator’. The DEMB operates through a hybrid of empathic traits (doing the decent thing in rescuing the poor downtrodden narcissist OP, exhibiting compassion for this person etc) and also the narcissistic trait of selfishness because they want to be with this person, they want to ‘save’ them even though they are attached to someone else. Yes, they have been duped by the OP’s manipulative act and illusory behaviours, but nevertheless, the DEMB knows this person is attached and because they do not walk away, but instead engage in the relationship with the narcissist OP, they earn them mantle of DEMB.

Thereafter, this White Knight DEMB may be the Candidate IPSS and becomes crowned as IPPS, only then to suffer the devaluation and then learn the truth about the nature of the OP and what he or she did to the innocent OP’s partner. They may become the Shelf IPSS and find out the truth when they are on the shelf or possibly (though rarely) have been dis-engaged from. Once the White Knight realises they are not the rescuer, their response changes and they may respond with an Ivory Response or continue to fight for the OP, as per the Point of No Return. The fact remains, they knew this person was with someone else but they engaged with the OP and went along with the seduction despite this state of affairs. Yes, they may well have done so for noble empathic reasons but they also did so for a narcissistic selfish trait also.

Thus the Dirty Empath Marriage Breaker arises in three different ways, all of which either dent, damage or destroy an existing relationship between the narcissist (or narcissistic) OP and their existing partner.

4 thoughts on “The Dirty Empath : Relationship Breaker

  1. Pingback: Den falske empatien - Psykopatene blant oss
  2. Asp Emp says:

    The White Knight – ah, no. They are both narcissists. Victim MRN shoulda known better than to involve me. I was a NIPPS for a very long time then he goes and obtains an IPPS. Allowing the spouse to assume I was a DE – the IPPS is the MB, not a DE, but a narcissist too!! The triangle is them 3, I removed myself from the quagmire of narcissists.

  3. smarinucci1970 says:

    Yes I would never admit to it but there are feelings there and the person is not free ..I’ve heard it all I’ve heard about the abuse I’ve heard about the children the children are 43 years old and 45 .I’ve heard about the mental abuse feeling like nothing no one takes him seriously as soon as he opens his mouth she walks out slams the door , spends all the money , she has a gambling problem she has an alcohol problem she cheated on him in the beginning with his own brother & brother-in-law the roofer , the man at the bank the neighbor and everyone else .. first wife second wife both the same. she doesn’t look like me my hair is long and natural and silky she’s going bald she’s not at all like I am ..she is short she’s not curvy you like I am .. black and brown spots all over her whole body and her face . I’m not like that I listen I cook I clean I understand. I’m loved the other person isn’t ,, I’m in his dreams they love me they think of me .. you want to believe it,, of course the red flags did go off in the beginning ! you know the difference you don’t realize you’re being groomed the phone calls the visits but you still know something is not right and you think that because people are older all three of us are older she’s exactly my age which is kind of funny usually if you’re getting a sweetheart she’s probably about 20 years younger it’s very sad because you know when you’re an empath you have that quality where you kind of can tell when someone is lying to you or sneaking around or pretending but yet your feelings run so high that you’re not pretending you want to believe 98% of the relationship is based on communication you laugh easy you talk about the same movie stars from the past the same music from the past the same movies . you have the same kind of SOB stories about childhood early marriage you share so much . but then you learn about the stare, the smirk then you learn about other things from HG and then you know you were conned . It was all an illusion . Your fuel . THE WORDS WHY DO YOU LOVE ME. I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I LOVE THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL OH.,????

  4. So-Called Discarded Dirty Empath, So I Am Then says:

    Got discarded 3 months ago. Sent you an e-mail asking why I should had gone to get the things she stole from me. You asked for a consultation. There was no time for it. I had to go, I had this urge. I went there and she didn’t even want to see me, and told her sister to tell me she didn’t have anything that was mine (which of course is a lie).

    Her sister also told me she was with her real ex, the one I was intending to separate her from (she was discarded from him – I think he’s a narcissist too since he beat her). Got this far only to get beaten by her myself, the very thing I wanted to avoid her from getting in a bad relationship.

    Now I’m thinking if she is really with the ex or if it is a new source. I’m in doubt. But I’m certain she’s still in touch with the ex, even though she might already be fooling with a new supply.

    Her family found only too normal and said she could always choose to go back to the aggressor and abuser or to stay with me, but didn’t support us in any way shape or form, were just waiting for her to decide. When things broke up, she had already done her defamation and used to make me look like a controlling guy, when in agreement we had to keep her in check not to get in touch with her ex because she was having a Stockholm Syndrome. You know she never told them that. That’s how it finished.

    I feel the pressure is off. No more waking up arguing or going to sleep having to put up with some attempt to fight or no more intimacy control. But I still can’t believe how she could stole my things from me. The worst part. She knows I’m “cold” enough not to care about “losing” her since I told her I wouldn’t lose anything, so she took things for me to feel devalued. I didn’t care about her really, I just cared about who she could become if she changed. Also, I was announcing and provoking her to leave or saying I was the one leaving myself since the drama never stopped. Just wanted to close things off correctly, but she was never serious enough to have a discussion about this and used the worst moment to leave and say nothing, actually she sent an email to attempt to keep me on hold or something, but when I tried to reach her through localization (I had in her phone and she had in mine) and calling her, she was with her family and probably painted me as a crazy one to be forgotten because I was being intrusive and controlling. I guess I did it right then.

    Now I know I’m no bad person, but wanted justice for her, she just didn’t wanted. And I also would not give anything to her if she didn’t change, since I knew what I was dealing with (abuse, belittling and defamation ensued as soon as possible in the beginning of the relationship and also with her family back then). I was smart enough to tell her she could not seduce me ever, and that I never invest in anything that doesn’t work 100% of the time. So I let nature run its course to see it all and was appalled to really see these narcissistic love relationship monsters do exist. I would never get involved if I didn’t want to test the waters of this in a relationship, once my parents are narcsissists themselves and I already cried the loss of them even though they’re still alive.

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