Do You See What I See?


One of the common themes in my sessions with Dr E and Dr O is their need (note not mine) to have me be aware of what I am. Of course I know what I am. I have always known I was different, special, superior and set apart. I was told as such too, actually it was beaten into me but that is for another time.  As ever, I gave them the impression that I was co-operating so I went along with their questioning. After all, they are asking about me so it is at least worth considering. Initially this was all about how I regarded myself. I enjoyed this part and I could have gone on for some time. They reported back to me that I consider myself as more intelligent than most people, that I am more amusing, I am more likeable and more successful. I am also more physically attractive than most people. So far, so obvious. They then also established that I am obsessed with power (who isn’t if they have any drive and ambition – you don’t become President by sitting there do you?). I am also impulsive. I agree. I am arrogant (I call it confidence but what’s in a word?) and I like to exaggerate my success and abilities. I explained I emphasise my success and abilities which may comes across as exaggerated (purely because many people never get that close to such success), but by explaining that to some people is necessary to get people to do what I want.

Things got interesting after that. The perfidious duo had been asking questions of others about how they perceived me. I was fascinated as they told me that the  respondent s´perceptions of me were accurate with regard to what I thought about myself. How about that for getting it right?  I was rather pleased. Dr O asked,

“Some of those traits could be viewed in a negative light. That is how other people see you. Does that not concern you that they view in a negative manner,” I was asked by Dr O.

I shook my head.

“You label it as negative. I regard those traits as strengths and it is clear that other people do as thy have clearly identified them with me.”

She raised her eyebrows (recently plucked I noticed) and remarked,

“What if I told you that those people do regard those traits as negative?”

I felt the sensation of irritation rising at such a comment. Only the envious would regard such traits as negative. There is nothing wrong with having an excellent conceit of oneself and one which is entirely justified and grounded in evidence. Just ask those I have vanquished and they would tell you. Well, the ones who are still able to speak would tell you.

“If they do then that is envy for you. Or I suppose they are too stupid to recognise the brilliance of what I do.,” I explained.

“Okay, but what if I was to tell you that those people are intelligent and they answered honestly and consistently?” she pressed.

I considered providing a response to this, a detailed explanation of how intelligence does not equate to an ability to understand, that honesty is often mistaken and consistency is a matter of perspective. I considered providing Dr O with such a forensic response but as my quickened mind formed the thoughts and sought to breathe life into them through articulation I stopped myself. No. I am not giving them the information that readily, to do so would be to offer up too much to them, too soon and deny me the entertainment of the good doctor finding this out through application. Let us test them. Let us make them earn their inflated payment. Come on good doctor, you are going to have to do much better than that. No, the detailed reply would be denied to them and instead I would offer them something they will have doubtless encountered many times and would be familiar to them.

 I shrugged.
I saw the slight flicker of surprise from Dr O at my lack of anticipated response. She expected a verbal landslide and I had denied it to her. Delicious. That moment, brief as it was, of her anticipation to receiving information which I just plucked away from her, causing surprise and a dash of annoyance was very short but every so worth it. A sprinkling of negative fuel. How marvellous. Dr O forged onwards, unfettered. Good. I dislike it when they give up too easily, I want the sport, I want to be entertained. I bore easily and therefore some pluck, some fight, some spunk, some boots, some petulance, some resistance is always desired. After all, the conquest is all the more to be savoured when the vanquished (and they always are vanquished) try to resist and fight back. The pathetic attempts to prevent the inevitable amuse me.
“Would you not rather they liked you for decent qualities such as honesty and trustworthiness,” she asked me.
My laugh of contempt began but I halted it. It was a stupid observation but I do not want her feeling stupid too soon otherwise she may give up. No, I am not going to crush her so quickly, in fact, I want to own her for some time, I want her to become a play thing for me and she will not become that if she feels ridiculed. I shall direct my contempt towards those who make the observations rather than her.
“I’m not bothered about whether they like me or not, I want them to admire me for what I am.”
I actually prefer them to fear me although admiration is not far behind, but we can get to fear in good time. Plenty to offer before I let them into more of the labyrinth.
I know precisely what I am. Anybody who tries to tell you that I am oblivious to it is a moron. I know full well what I am, what I do and what I achieve.
The difference is that some people regard what I am as a bad thing. I know they are wrong.
What I am is a good thing. The world needs people like me. Now is the time they begin to realise that.

13 thoughts on “Do You See What I See?

  1. December Infinity says:

    I endured harsh treatment growing up from my pushy parents, and as the first born my parents expected a great deal from me.

    At least you have some self awareness HG.

  2. Barbera says:

    Wow.. you silenced me today for the third time.
    Whatever your reasons, you are doing amazing at what you choose to do here. I know.. you already know. But when it is true it is true, and that’s a healthy assessment on your part.

    The first times you silenced me was just you made stuff so clear for me. Like I suddenly got new glasses.

    This silences me because here you appear so vulnerable.
    “You have gotten your specialness and superiority beaten into you? And believe the world needs more people like you.”

    That just shuts me up. And makes me sad.
    The deep awareness of narcissism as a victims disorder. Making so many more victims to give more pain sadness and suffering and mental illness to..
    No …we do not need more.. and even without the narcissism your innate talents would have been there. I hope you , just for curiosity’s sake, will give it a go at facing that creature deep within.
    It probably really just is a lovely creature.
    Or maybe just out of superiority, you can do it.. if anyone can you can…
    Thank you HG. Thank you for your podcasts, and articles. And information.
    And your deep voice that drifts me of to sleep sometimes.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    I see a great image.

    “how intelligence does not equate to an ability to understand” – I agree with this. Intelligence is not necessarily learned. Knowledge is.

    “Anybody who tries to tell you that I am oblivious to it is a moron” – this made me laugh.

    Considering that you. HG, provide this site and teach us all about narcissism, you, your experiences and so on – there is honesty, so I would say that you have this quality.

  4. MB says:

    My father always said he didn’t care whether his children loved him as long as they respected him. Not much need for a Narc Detector there.

    1. Emma286 says:

      I imagine it was tough growing up with a father like that. I am sorry.

      1. MB says:

        Thank you for your kind sentiment Emma. I was was very fortunate as compared to most children of narcissists. HG’s comment in the article made me remember what my father said. It’s just further confirmation of what I’ve learned to be true about him since coming here.

        1. Emma286 says:

          No worries. 😉

    2. Eternity says:

      So sorry to hear that MB. It sounded like all he wanted was control for all his children.

      1. MB says:

        Eternity, yes. We were his little control and fuel appliances. We also made a beautiful little perfect family facade for when he wanted to dress us up and show us off. The shock of our lives came at his retirement party. All of his colleagues telling us what a great man he was, how funny he was, etc. It was one of those, “are you talking about MY dad?” moments. They didn’t know the *real* him. Very surreal. It’s sad that he saved his best for them.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, MB, his narcissism allocated benign manipulations to preserve his facade. There was no best, only less bad.

          1. MB says:

            Thank you HG. Logic prevails. It wasn’t personal. It’s all he knew. I don’t blame him. He did what he had to do. If he knew better, he’d have done better. I’m just thankful I didn’t develop like him or his father before him. Of course if I had, I wouldn’t know any better either!

        2. Eternity says:

          MB, I completely understand he wanted to show the perfect picture.
          He believed he was a good person.
          All for the Fascade. I am sure one day his colleagues will see him for what he really his. FAKE !
          It is really sad because trying to explain your side of the story no one will believe it.
          Hang in there MB! They will see him for what he really is.

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