Why You Should Fear the Smear
It is highly likely that you have been on the receiving end of a smear campaign. It is unusual if such a campaign is not used by our kind when dealing with the person who holds the position of primary source of fuel. The benefits of instigating the smear campaign are numerous and indeed in many instances the smear campaign is a necessary device for the maintenance of appearances, fuel and control. Since we are creatures of economy when it comes to the expenditure of our energies we operate those manipulations which are the most rewarding in terms of energy versus effectiveness. Smear campaigns rank high on such a list and this is for the following five reasons.
The smear campaign is rolled out in a convincing fashion. It is done with speed, it is done for the most part without your knowledge and it is effected by us in a manner which suggests that our words are undeniable truth. We are very good at persuading and portraying something as correct and the truth when it is not. We will seize on some element of your behaviour, some aspect of actions on your part or things you have said which are recognised by people. Perhaps you once got drunk at a party and kept falling over (it was a one-off and not helped by the fact you hadn’t eaten beforehand the copious amounts of alcohol we plied you with) but this forms the basis of creating a picture of your abusive alcoholic actions. You may be known for getting over emotional, especially when tired and therefore the picture is painted of you as histrionic. Taking some germ of truth and then applying it out of context, exaggerating and magnifying is a skill we utilise in the creation of the smear campaign.
“Yes, I am afraid I am at my wit’s end with Jenny, her drinking is out of control. I have kept a lid on it so far for your sake, I didn’t know want you upset, but I do not know what to do. You remember that party at Jonathan’s? Yes, that’s right when she could not even sit up, that’s a nightly occurrence now.”
We speak with such conviction and confidence that people do not challenge what we say. People usually accept the truth of what they are told by other people. This is a necessary social device because if it was to the contrary nothing would get done if people were suspicious and question everybody’s motives and comments. We play on this default setting and our confident and superior nature allows us to create a convincing smear campaign and thus guarantee its effectiveness.
- The Façade
Our façade of respectability that we have carefully created whereby we are seen as good, reliable, dependable and kind to the outside world provides us with serious support when doing out a smear campaign. In the similar way by which we point to evidence of your drink problem, temper tantrums and neediness as the basis for a much larger and wide problem, we rely on the existence of the constructed façade to demonstrate that we are not the issue. How can we be? We are seen by your friends, the neighbours and your family as that generous, pleasant and helpful chap who must be a good husband and father. He always says hello, is polite, holds down a good job, is seen out and about in the community and so forth. The creation of the façade is not only important for us to draw fuel; it is a fundamental part of why our smear campaigns are so effective.
- You Don’t Help Yourself
You fall right into our trap with a lot of your behaviour when you discover that you are being smeared. Rather than consider obtaining some independent and impartial evidence which you present in a calm and measured manner, allowing people to reach their own conclusions, you charge around, wild-eyed and upset, declaring repeatedly that
“It is him, not me, can you not see it? You must be blind or stupid if you cannot.”
This will not endear you to anybody. Nobody likes to be criticised. By slating their ability to make a decision you make them defensive and it becomes easier for them to make a decision which favours us. Do they believe the calm individual who has presented as such for the last year or so and who has come to explain you have a problem and we need help to deal with it or do they believed the swivel-eyed, tear-stained, histrionic person who keeps protesting it is not them? It is not a difficult decision to make.
Of course we encourage you to present in such a manner through our steady manipulative treatment of you. Moreover, we know that it mightily offends you to be thought of as something that you are not and in your frazzled and highly-strung state, you will not approach the denial of the smearing in a rationale or constructive fashion. This heightens the effectiveness of what we are doing. To some extent, you are proving our case for us.
- You Are Eroded
Linked to the above is the fact that when the smear campaign starts you will in all likelihood have been subjected to a sustained period of devaluation which has taken its toll on you. You will be exhausted from our tactics of preventing you from sleeping. You are anxious. You are hypervigilant. You cannot think straight owing to fatigue and the gas lighting to which you have been subjected. Your confidence has been whittled away and your ability to think in a critical fashion has been damaged. The combination of all these ailments means that you are ill-equipped to fight the battle with us for the minds and hearts of those observing. We got in first and you will always be fighting an uphill battle with few resources to rely on. You will have been isolated by us from your support networks. At best this means you cannot call on help when you most need it. At worst this results in those people you thought you could rely on, taking our side. This ineffectiveness of your ability to cope – caused by us – result in our campaign becoming more effective.
- Aversion to Conflict
People do not like conflict. People hate it when a couple divorces. It is not so much about feeling sad for the fact that two people they like are splitting up. Instead, it is more about the selfishness which means they have to choose on over the other and they would rather not do so. They want people to get along and when we present to those observing that we have tried to make things work but you have not allowed this to happen, the observers’ inherent desire for people to get along causes them to prejudge you. You become labelled as the troublemaker. People have their own lives to lead and they want everything else to run smoothly around them. If you are preventing this state of affairs from existing, then this will result in those supposedly impartial observers taking our side and not wanting anything to do with you because you have breached the peace. Knowing this to be the case of course will cause you to react even more and it becomes self-fulfilling. Again, this backdrop of the mind-set of others has this impact on the effectiveness of our campaigns.
26 thoughts on “Why You Should Fear the Smear”
Wish me luck everyone. In a few hours, I have a telephonic hearing to modify custody of my child with the Narcissist. This is much needed. However, there is no evidence allowed for this particular hearing, and the judge has a soft spot for narcissist, for some reason.
Why isn’t evidence allowed?
I knew you would see the red flag with this. Yeah, she isn’t getting that he is a narcissist. I think she is stalling the case a bit. Judges here have the discretion to do so at the very intro phases of filing to modify an order. I think she will rule in my favor today, as she has before. But I have to bring much more to the table with the facts before she will entertain the idea over being swayed by the obnoxious clown who will be trying to talk over me.
Best of luck if nit too late. I hope it goes well for you. X
It didn’t work out so well. I can’t go back to court until I get a new judge. My judge was annoyed with me. She made a finding today, that she will no longer modify anything for me, unless I was “willing to work on a friendship” with the Narcissist. For some reason I just snapped. I told her off. My relationship with my judge has gotten so bad.
Anm, I am sorry to know that it didn’t go well. I am not surprised that you got upset at the ignorant judge’s “suggestion” – friendship with the narcissist – goes to show that even the law “profession” can get it so wrong….. I hope that it can improve & change for the better for you.
I am so sorry Anm, that’s a horrible outcome.
I might have lost it too if someone told me I had to be friends with the narcissist – and that somehow their ruling in my favour depends on it.
Can you ask for another judge – clearly she is no longer impartial if she states that she is ‘no longer willing to modify anything for you’ – she should be willing to examine the evidence objectively to see if a modification is merited.
But I know what you will say; it is her court, therefore her way.
I had a similar experience once when I was self-representing. I had prepared all night and hadn’t slept a wink (both my ex and I were self-representing) because I was prepared to ask to have access revert back to supervised. I had psyched myself up and went in early to speak with duty counsel (I had not had as much experience representing myself in court as you have). I asked duty counsel if, when both parties are self-representing will they actually get heard or will the judge just take over the proceedings? I was told that some judges will hear you out and some will just take over. But I was told that I should flag to judge that I had materials to present.
It turned out that I had a judge who simply took over the proceedings. And every time I was about to put my hands on the documents in front of me, he said “No, what is it you want?”…I attempted to start again, and again I was interrupted, “No, what exactly is IT that you want?” He had managed to intimidate me and I had to think very quick on my feet, to gather a single statement that made any sense.
He ruled in my ex’s favour (even after ex pissed him off and the judge very loudly insulted him) and opened up access further. However, my ex shot himself in the foot later and access went back to supervised. So, that judge actually did me a favour because, had access not opened up, that useful evidence would not have been produced.
I have heard of incidents where assessor’s of the ‘child’s best interests’ are of the same bent. They don’t accept that the ex is an abuser and they suggest that you should be able to work with your ex. And so you are caught between a rock and a hard place because you want to implement no contact but the accessor is basically saying you won’t get a recommendation in your favour if you do not ‘work with’ the narcissist.
I am really sorry you find yourself in that position Anm and somehow you get a new judge soon.
I *hope somehow you get a new judge soon.
Yes, that is what is happening for sure. The judge is about to change. Thank you so much for your concern, and to know of your experience. My judge is a Commissioner, in the USA commissioners get rotated. I have a friend who is an attorney, and she told me not to touch anything, and she will represent me, in a couple of months after a new judge is assigned to my case.. my other option would be to appeal this current judges ruling, and have the higher up courts remand the judge and have her recuse herself. which I have the technicalities to do so, but that takes a lot of time and energy to do so. So I am going to wait until February when a new judge come in. We don’t even have provisions for where my daughter will start elementary school. And in our last orders, it stated that we were to return to court before making those arangements. And our state laws even state that I am allowed to modify based on just time provisions. You can see that it is the narcissist who is the problem. Because any time the court makes a finding that the conflict is due to me, I make an effort to document a new pattern of me doing whatever the courts told me to do, and the narcisisst is still a narcissist. The laws here regarding children are heavily weighed on the status quo. I argued to the judge that the status quo must be preserved with a new court order. The narcisisst didn’t even know what we were arguing about, and his narcissism really showed through. He claimed that his life is always changing due to many demands of his life, and he never has a set schedule. And he has no choice but to leave our daughter with me all the time. So the judge keeping a court order in place that doesn’t work for the sake of status quo,isn’t legally logical if father is unable to follow the court order, or even establish a new status quo because he is incapable. The judge and I had many arguments like that, where it was evident that the judge was just trying to find any little thing to not rule in my favor. The judge was wrong, she knew I was legally correct with what I was asking for. The narcissist didn’t know what he was doing, and didn’t give her a legal reason to rule in his favor, so she went above and beyond her scope of the job to rule against me. It’s terrible that I will have to hire an attorney just to speak with the judge. I think this judge has a bit of oppositional defiance to her. She doesn’t like me telling her what the law says and how she must rule in my favor.
That’s so frustrating Anm. I am glad that judge is getting rotated out.
“He claimed that his life is always changing due to many demands of his life, and he never has a set schedule. And he has no choice but to leave our daughter with me all the time.”
Total pity play.
“I think this judge has a bit of oppositional defiance to her. She doesn’t like me telling her what the law says and how she must rule in my favor.”
No, the courts don’t like being told what to think.
I know you are bothered by the fact that you have to hire an attorney but maybe it will be a good thing – you won’t have to deal with your narcissist directly in court (therefore better no contact).
When I got the order referenced in my previous comment (by the judge who intimidated me), it was written a bit vaguely regarding phone calls and my narcissist exploited that to the max to make me look like the difficult one. I went to the family law information clinic to ask them to interpret the order so I could convey that to my ex. When I explained what he was doing, they wouldn’t even interpret the order. I was simply told I had to get a lawyer (they were right! there was no way I was going to be able to negotiate directly with my ex). I had a difficult time giving my case over to a lawyer because I was doing okay on my own up until then and I had trust issues – but it ended up being the best thing because the lawyer I got is awesome and he got supervised access back again.
“The judge was wrong, she knew I was legally correct with what I was asking for. The narcissist didn’t know what he was doing, and didn’t give her a legal reason to rule in his favor, so she went above and beyond her scope of the job to rule against me.”
Even judges need their fuel and control.
I so hope a change in judge resolves this for you and it’s very fortunate you have a friend who’ll represent you.
Here is another thing, I don’t think this judge is a narcissist. There is something far worse that I see as a common theme in family law, and even more so in juvenile/child protection court cases, and I see it with this judge. It’s when there is an Empath, but their traits are not appropriate, and they become an advocate when it’s not called for. You won’t see this very much in other type of court proceedings. But if you involve children, or ending a divorce/romantic relationship, you will find Empaths fighting for justice even when it’s not called for. Think about when a relationship ends, and someone post about it on social media. You will see friends of the person posting, suddenly advocating for that person. They may not even know the details of the breakup, but you’ll see picking picking sides, offering support, etc. When you meet a cps worker, or someone who is a judge or lawyer for children, you have to ask yourself, what made this person want to go to school to work a job that is beyond stressful? It usually has to do with an inner desire to fight for justice for victims. This can become toxic, because these professionals who are supposed to have good judgement, start advocating for one side. I think for judges, a big indicator for this, is when judges don’t make rulings that align with the law (which is what I think happened in my case), or when they issue sua sponte orders (neither party request the order).
I hear what you’re saying but I think judges who have some real empathy will often make cautious rulings or go by the book, or by the evidence because they have a sense of accountability and think about justifying their rulings if they were ever made to account for them (even if internally they have a ‘feeling’ about one party or the other). Whereas narcissist judges can and will make rulings on a whim. From the little you explained about your latest judge, it seems you challenged her and she had to put that challenge down.
I have had my fair share of experience with different judges.
And, in my experience, you’re correct that judges who have empathy can be misguided (and easily duped by narcissists – go figure) but they (usually) will still examine the evidence and not let only their feelings guide them. Right now I have a judge who has seized our case, and I find he has a rather rosy view of things and believes people can change (he illustrated examples of parents and children being united after a long time or jail sentence and how wonderful that kind of scenario is), but at the same time he recognized that my ex has some concerning traits, so the order he made was a cautious one, i.e. he did not immediately give my ex what he wanted (normalized access) without further investigation.
“When you meet a cps worker, or someone who is a judge or lawyer for children, you have to ask yourself, what made this person want to go to school to work a job that is beyond stressful?”
In the beginning, I used to ask myself this all the time. ‘How do these people do these jobs and maintain their humanity?’, I would think. Many are empaths who have a passionate sense of justice – but I would put money on it that those account for a significant number of individuals who burn out in those jobs (because likely they are ensared elsewhere in their life or the nature of the work takes an emotional toll on them.) Alternatively, some of these jobs are proliferated with narcissists, who believe they have a sense of justice, and they are presented with a fresh roll over of empath victims through their work who they get fuel, etc., from – and they would be able to tolerate the “stress” of these roles and have a longevity in them.
You make some very good points. Your perspective is so accurate, but also mentions some things I haven’t even thought of. I am going to keep these thing in mind, later on when I need them. Thanks
Oh no Anm 😢 im sorry the judge is so easily manipulated. Like u said, u will get another one. Head up & Hugs to u!!
Anm, I am so sorry this didn’t go well for you. The judge obviously has never been ensnared, or has had her life destroyed because of a narcissist. I believe most of us on here would have blown up at anyone telling us we had to be friends with the person that took so much from us. Don’t give up on fighting for a new judge. 💞
“The judge obviously has never been ensnared, or has had her life destroyed because of a narcissist” – effectively, could be a narcissist as a result….
I am so sorry to hear this Anm. There was a time when the child’s best interest was the goal, the parents, in court for a reason, were not expected to be “friends”. I don’t know where you live but it has become more this way here, in the US, I believe also, the child seems to have become a pawn for the court, at the judges whims, at times now. It is heartbreaking to us, the responsible parent. I hope at some point knowledge about narcissism is required training for attorneys who then become judges. Sadly, I think many of them are narcissists themselves though so it might not help. I hope your case improves and you get a judge that will help you very soon.
“Sadly, I think many of them are narcissists themselves though so it might not help.”
I think this is a very accurate observation.
Hi ANM, sorry to hear things did not go well in court for you. ANM, the legal profession is more than 60% full of narcissists of all cadres. You will find them in every rank. Attorney, Judge etc. The most important thing you must remember and I know it is hard because of Covid, if you are talking to the Judge either in a face to face setting or by Zoom or telephone along with the other party, is to never argue with the Judge, or lose your cool with the Judge etc. Remember, your other half is wanting you to do this and in a sense they will bait you to lose your cool while they play the victim. Always Remain Calm and state your case in a calm manner. I wish you luck with everything and I hope it works out well for you. 💗
I never flip out, more or less in court. I’m a magnet Empath. Very calm, and good with presenting myself. In fact, I just ordered the audio recording, and transcripts of this hearing, and will give hg a copy, because it’s obviously a good example of a magnet Empath and lesser narcissist presenting an argument. However, with the most gracious demeanor and mannerisms, there comes a time when it’s ok to yell and call out injustices. I may have flipped out on the judge, but you can’t appeal an order unless you object on the record, and quickly get your argument in. I do get a new judge and can start a new strategy, but I decided to appeal this order for the sake of other Empaths who may be out in this position. I already aligned it to be appealed in case it went south, by filing motions before the hearing, and appropriately getting my argument on the record. To tell someone that they are not allowed back to court unless they get along with their ex, is a violation of due process rights, as court is supposed to serve the public. It’s also appealable, because I had filed for an evidentiary hearing, and was ordered to do oral argument instead. If the judge wanted to make findings that I was apart of the problem, she needed to allow evidence and testimony to make this finding. I would love to send the record of my case to the narcissist higher up on the food chain to review how not only did this judge break the rules for court, but also put one of the litigants in an impossible situation, when there is documented proof of domestic violence in this case. The appealate judges and supreme Court judges don’t appreciate stuff like this from the lower level courts.
“To tell someone that they are not allowed back to court unless they get along with their ex, is a violation of due process rights, as court is supposed to serve the public. It’s also appealable, because I had filed for an evidentiary hearing, and was ordered to do oral argument instead.”
This is so awesome – glad you are appealing!
HG, you are a darling. Brilliant article. Thank you HG. 💗
Wow, I’m starting to wonder more and more if my ex is a narcissist. This is exactly what happened to me. Are some narcissists very mild? His manner was very mild usually and this has made me really doubt he could be one. But, things sometimes scream at me “this it is him!”.
I’ve swum in cow shit, I’ve swum in horse-shit….. I survived the ‘Sasquatches’ shit (they lost!)…… I guess I will always be a ‘Dirty Empath’ and do I give a shit? NO. I am me. The “world” can take it or leave it – I really don’t give a shit…….