Dirty Little Secret




Sometimes it is not all Relationship Bulletins, declarations to the world about you and me or announcements across the fabric of social media about our perfect love. Sometimes you are the dirty little secret.

This is never the title afforded to the primary source that we have chosen. It is those who are  secondary sources who find themselves labelled in this way.

Do you have a friend who makes demands of your time, often calls you and ensures that you give up your time so he or she is able to tell you all about what they have been doing, obtain your advice and uses you as a sounding board? Does this person tell you all about the brilliant weekend he or she has just had with a group of other friends at some weekend away or at a concert but somehow no invitation came your way? Do you perhaps politely and subtly ask whether you can attend some forthcoming event which this friend is enthusiastically telling you about, maybe even gloating about how brilliant it will be, but this friend shows all of the perception of a plank of wood and never picks up on your hints? Even if they do or perhaps if you are more forceful as you ask whether you can attend or you point out how you never get invited along, are you met with comments such as:-

“Yes, I know you would have loved to have come but I didn’t organise it, John did and it is his fault he didn’t ask you.”

“I didn’t think it was your kind of thing.”

“There was only a few places available but I will make sure you can come to the next one.”(Of course this never transpires)

“I thought you hated rock music. I am sure you told me that you did.”

“I have been so busy I must have forgotten to ask you.”

“I did ask you and you said no.Dont you remember?”

(Of course this is a lie.)

These people are our inner circle. The select few who are our guardians of our reputations, loyal lieutenants and brainwashed and indoctrinated to fawn over us, carry out our demands and provide us with fuel and you are not in the inner circle.

In fact, the inner circle does not ever know about you. When we spend time with you, we string you along with future-faking, we allow you to bask in our greatness and at first it feels good to have such an interesting, charismatic and seemingly attentive friend. You may attract the label of friend and you sit in the outer circle but you are a dirty secret secondary source. We do not want our inner circle to know about you because whilst you serve an excellent purpose in providing us with fuel, your enthusiasm when we tell you with a moment’s notice that we are coming to visit is just the tip of the fuel berg. We know you are loyal, dependable and faithful. We know you will provide us with the fuel that we need and you above everybody else will be the go to person when fuel stocks are running low. Whether it is 3am call or an appearance on a wet and windy Monday evening in winter, you always welcome us in, always take the call and you always oblige. We do make you feel special, trotting out the easy to mouth platitudes about how much we like being with you, how we enjoy your company, how it is good to know that we can depend on you but this is just to keep you sweet and functioning. The reality is we do not want other people knowing about you because you do not fit with our idea of how our life looks. You might not be as good looking as we would prefer, you might not shine in a group, or you are apt to saying unusual things which we feel would make us look less impressive in front of our all important facade. No, you are kept in the background, used but rarely abused because you are the long-serving indentured servant of the narcissist. The loyal hound that sits in the corner of the kitchen, always ready to wag your tail for us but too old and unappealing to be paraded at the show. This is the role of a dirty secret secondary source.

There is also the Dirty Secret Intimate Partner  Secondary Source (“DSIPSS”). You were seduced and made into a secondary source and within the blink of an eye you were bedded and the platitudes of love and dedication came pouring forth in order to secure your loyalty. There are those who are earmarked for promotion to primary source, they are destined for better things so long as they come up to proof with regard to the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. Those who are on the fast-track to being installed as the primary source can expect to meet our children, meet our families and our friends, be paraded and attend certain events with us, all at the humiliating cost to the currently devalued primary source who is on their way out, all being well with the seduction of this Intimate Partner Secondary Source. The future is rosy for this person.

The DSIPSS , at the outset, is never considered for promotion. Words may be whispered to that effect but they are just false promises, more future faking and the crumbs of comfort which are scattered to stop you foraging elsewhere. When we allocate you the role of dirty secret next to nobody knows about you.

Whereas the IPSS who is in waiting for the top role may find themselves being picked up and put down, with intervals of silence in between the weekend hook-ups, as we test that person to gauge their suitability for promotion, it is a different story for the dirty secret.

The dirty secret actually may well see quite a lot of us. in the backs of cars, in seedy motel rooms, in the back of the warehouse, the disabled toilet, the alley behind the house and such like. You are never to be seen by our family, our friends or even our colleagues. You remain hidden because your presence will offend our facade. We are the dedicated family man and thus we cannot be seen hanging out the back of you down some leafy lane at dusk. We are the champion of morals in our local community and it would not be the done thing for us to be known to be engaging in the debauchery that we insist on when we are with you. The primary source may well be devalued but we do not want them to be sullied by the knowledge of the filthy whore that have twice a week. You are a pit stop for a delicious injection of fuel. That snatched two drinks in an out of town bar where you had to sit and wait for two hours before we showed up? You are a dirty secret. Never allowed to call or message us before we have contacted you first? You are a dirty secret. Never allowed to meet our friends? You are a dirty secret. We wish to portray an image and you do not fit with that image but you are a potent bundle of fuel, dedicated and desperate, always hanging on for that stolen hour in bed together, the occasional afternoon when we pretend to work to have a meeting in the next state or county. You live for those moments because in that instant we make you feel wonderful, we focus on you, we give you the best sex, the excitement and the promises, oh the promises of what could be yours.

The future faking with an IPSS is born out of being torn between not wanting to lose a good source of fuel and the potential this IPSS has to perhaps become a primary source at some juncture. We do not want to lose that, thus we keep the IPSS hanging on as I described in the article ‘What Am I To Him?’ It is a different set-up for the DSIPSS. You were not initially selected for potential promotion. You were selected because you are a dependable, reliable turbo-boost of fuel and when we demand it, you always provide it. Why would we ever let that go? We would not.

Like the friend who is the dirty little secret above, you are the same but with you comes the intimacy. you are the recipient of our oft-spewed sugary charms and in receipt of our desire to use you for sex and the provision of fuel. We rarely take you anywhere, for fear of detection and our engagements are covert, hurried and secretive, yet this adds to our charm, our mystery and you find it as addictive as we do. It is only when we are going and you wonder what we are doing and who with, that you are left to rue the emptiness and the loneliness. You want to provide us with what you think we need, to allow your goodness to shine for us, but we will never let you do so, not outside of those hotel walls where we meet every Thursday evening.

Unfortunately for you, you do not fit in with the image we wish to convey to the world. You do not fit with what we wish to show. If we ever saw you, by chance, when we are out with our facade, be that family, friends or colleagues, we would ignore you and pretend we did not know you. Of course, later that day we would lay on the charm to excuse our behaviour because we do not want to let you go either. You are a brilliant stick on emergency fuel patch. You provide fuel and you remain hanging on, waiting for the day that you hopefully emerge blinking into the light of the golden period for the primary source.

That is never going to happen directly and at the outset of your allocation to this role.  Not that we will admit it to you.

Stay in that dark corner and wait for our call.

You are a dirty little secret.

31 thoughts on “Dirty Little Secret

  1. Why me? says:


    I didn’t see this in your book, “Target”. I’m not sure if I can ask this but generally speaking, what characteristics does the DLS IPSS have that makes a victim narcissist decide to place them in this role?

  2. FoolMe1Time says:

    The narcissist may be handing out what he thinks are just crumbs. Sorry for the typos. Xx

  3. karmicoverload says:

    DLSIPSS….That’s me 😔

  4. lickemtomorrow says:

    Never demoted and never promoted. It must be like living in limbo. I guess the future faking gives the hope of promotion. And the consistent call on the back up fuel ensures there will be no demotion. I don’t envy the DLS after reading this article. At one point I thought they had the better deal, not suffering the agonizing devaluation of the IPPS, and not necessarily waiting in line as an IPSS hoping for the mantle of a relationship with the narcissist to be placed upon their shoulders. They have a relationship and they are not being devalued. At the same time they are being denied a truly fulfilling relationship and one which they deserve. It’s a real Catch 22, but not for those who find their way here. I hope many of them do <3

    1. A Victor says:

      LET, I feel the same. I have much more empathy for them now, after being here and after reading this article. We were all suckered by the narcissist.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        <3 We were all suckered by the narcissist and I was tossing up between empathy and envy there for a while with regard to the DLS. The more I learnt about their situation, the more I thought they had the sweetest deal of any with the narcissist. As you can see from my comment.

        The fact is no one has a sweet deal with the narcissist, and anyone taken in by a narc deserves our empathy. We're all victims at the end of the day.

    2. FoolMe1Time says:

      Just like anyone that is involved with a narcissist, the DLS doesn’t know who she is involved with! This man or women could possibly be treating them better then they have ever been treated in there lives? In might not seem like much to some, but to them it is possibly the best relationship they have ever had. The narcissist might be what he thinks are just crumbs, but to that DLS it could be a whole smorgasbord! I’m sure some stay in that relationship for years, others might become board waiting for the next meeting or phone call and move on, probably with another narcissist. And so the vicious cycle continues, until they find there way here and to HG. 💞

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        This is so true, FM1T, and I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise. I can completely understand the lure and seduction of the narcissist, and the smorgasbord that might be put on display for the starving empath. They make the trap very easy to fall into with the illusion they create, and we all know how hard it is to get away. Especially if we don’t know what we are dealing with, but even if we do. The allure of the narcissist is that strong. And it’s true it can become a vicious cycle, moving from one narc to another, never knowing what ‘bit’ you. Finding our way here is definitely the thing that can make the difference and that’s why I hope many DLSs do <3

        Didn't meant to single them out, btw, but the thought around being a DLS has been tumbling round in my mind for a while x

        1. FoolMe1Time says:

          I didn’t think you were signaling them out at all. That’s what the post was about. 💞xx

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            So glad you didn’t think I was singling them out FM1T xox I most certainly have all the empathy in the world for any of us caught up in a situation with the narcissist <3

          2. FoolMe1Time says:

            Sweet Let,
            You do not ever single anyone out for anything on here! You are always one of the first people to comment to someone needing help on here, and also one of the first to welcome new people that find there way here to the blog. You are a true blessing to this special place. 💞xx

          3. lickemtomorrow says:

            FM1T <3

            Actually feeling a little emotional over that comment, and thank you xox

            It's a pleasure to be here and interact with so many wonderful empaths, and I count myself amongst the walking wounded along with the rest. Can't tell you how grateful I am to have a space to share and care and I've been lifted up many times myself since arriving.

            It is a special place and I believe we are all a blessing to others in the context of this space xox That includes you FM1T 🙂 Thank you x

          4. FoolMe1Time says:

            You’re welcome let. Your wounds will heal and you will be much wiser and stronger because of them.

            We are all blessed to have HG and this special place to come to. Yes the blessings received from everyone here is truly amazing. Now I’m getting emotional! Ugh! Time for bed.😘💞

          5. lickemtomorrow says:

            Thank you for your kind words again FM1T <3

            Nothing wrong with getting emotional xox

            I hope you get a good rest 🙂

    3. FoolMe1Time says:

      Omg!!! Bored! Not board!! I know HG caught that one!! F..k! Haha!

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Haha, FM1T, I knew what you meant 🙂

        And if HG catches them (and I’m sure he does) he’s gentlemanly enough not to point them out!

        1. FoolMe1Time says:

          Oh he certainly does catch everything! He use to correct me every chance he had! I think there were so many mistakes that he finally gave up because it took to much of his time to constantly correct me!
          Hahaha! 💞xx

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            LOL, FM1T 😛

            I’d say moderating takes up enough of HGs time without having to edit us as well (which is a shame as I could really use the back up!)


          2. FoolMe1Time says:


            I have no idea how he does it all! As far as him editing me, he gave up on that years ago!! 🥰

          3. lickemtomorrow says:


            Just want to make sure my ‘likes’ are going through, and hopefully they are, FM1T <3

          4. FoolMe1Time says:

            They are, let. 💞

  5. A Victor says:

    So the Dirty Little Secret can be intimate or not. Huh.

    I used to hate the women my ex was involved with, I mean, if they had any self esteem they’d hold out for someone who wasn’t married to another and find their own husband. And if they had any moral compass, (like myself-haha, I’d cheated on my first husband!) they’d leave someone else’s husband alone. Geez.

    Being here I have come to realize that they are just as victimized as I was by him, neither deserving what happened to us. I recently enjoyed a movie called The Other Woman, it helped this process.

    HG, do narcissists use a wide variety of different empath schools and cadres for their secondary and primary sources, or do they gravitate toward similar ones? Is this how the empath is then put into the fuel matrix or is it based more on other factors? Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Gravitate towards similar.

    2. karmicoverload says:

      That was a really interesting question, A Victor. I noticed during my “research” (Cough, cough) that all the other women my narc was/is (Who knows?) Involved with, or certainly triangulating me with, are all women I feel I could get along with. We all have similar outlooks on life, similar belief systems, things in common and good hearts.

      1. A Victor says:

        Same, the ones I knew about. But, since I knew…no way, I pretty much just wanted to smack them, at the time.

        The movie The Other Woman is pretty funny and shows this as well.

      2. A Victor says:

        Hey, karmicoverload, have you been here for a while? Have you already settled the dust on your narc’s other women, for yourself I mean? How did you do it? If you don’t wish to share I understand, it is a tough thing.

        1. karmicoverload says:

          I’ve been here for a while and despite all the fantastic advice, I still haven’t been able to achieve no contact yet. I am currently working on reducing my addiction to him, and coming to terms with the triangulation is the biggest issue for me. It helps that he’s become so foul with his advancing age and loss of looks/job opportunities/contacts that he’s doing a grand job on his own….I have noticed at least 4 women he had regular contact with have dropped from his list on Facebook, I suspect they have unfriended/blocked him and not the other way round because the poor dolt still follows them on Instagram.
          As for his most loyal subject, I just feel sorry for her now. Initially I felt only pure rage towards her. She is either trapped or stupid, so again that’s something else we have in common.

          1. A Victor says:

            Karmicoverload, thank you for sharing this. My ex is long gone and all his cheating ways with him. But it has been slowly hitting me, as a result of being here, that I have been in denial about him. Yesterday I hit an apex with regard to this but I am feeling much better today. It is over and done, I don’t need to deny any longer and can see, as you state, they were as trapped or stupid as I was, so I need place no more anger there. That addiction thing is very real, I wish you all the best as you sort through it. Thank you again!

          2. A Victor says:

            Our* addiction thing…:)

        2. Chris Steele says:


  6. mollyb5 says:

    That’s one of my sisters . She is retired now and older and crazy . Lol.

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