Consent
Consent is not a matter which preys on the mind of our kind much at all. This is driven by the following factors: –
- Our sense of entitlement. We do as we please, how we please, when we please and with whom we please. We are access all areas;
- Our inability to recognise and respect boundaries. This links with our sense of entitlement whereby nobody is off limits to us. Somebody is in a relationship? So what, they are fair game to us. That seat is taken. Yes, it is, by us. That drink was meant for somebody else? Tough. We invade personal space, take things which are not ours, commandeer other people’s resources and act as if we own the place because in our minds, we do.
- You are part of us. You are subsumed within us, attached to us and since you are a part of us, why on earth do we need to ask ourselves for permission to do something? That is nonsensical from our perspective.
- We are unaccountable. Even if we actually thought that we might need consent it does not matter because the consequence arising from failing to obtain consent to do something will not apply to us. We are able to escape blame, evade liability and shirk culpability.
- Our sense of superiority. Consent is a chain. It restricts and hinders. We are the behemoth that strides ever forward and as such consent does not apply to a titan like us. Consent is what the little people have to obtained.
This attitude to consent means that we behave like a marauding invader. Everything is up for grabs. How might this manifest?
With the Lesser it is blatant and obvious. He will tell you that he is moving in with you and turn up with his suitcase and guitar (with broken string) and smile as he breezes past you into the house. Your resources are taken – money, food, energy – without any explanation offered. Your friends are seized either to be shoved to one aside and told what the Lesser really thinks of them, or flirted with and identified for triangulation potential. The Lesser will invite him round without asking, use your car without checking first (and not replace the petrol that is used). He will readily incur credit on your behalf. If you challenge him about this failure to seek and obtain consent all he will hear is that you are criticising him. He will rarely bother to even think of an excuse for his actions. He does not need to explain himself to you. If he does decide to respond the explanation is usually obviously incredible but this does not matter to him because he can do as he pleases and you need to get with the program.
“We share everything in this house.”
“What’s yours is mine.”
“I can’t believe you are making such a fuss.”
“No I didn’t use it.”
“It wasn’t me.”
“Somebody else must have taken it.”
He can do this because he is who he is and you had better quit you complaining out you will get what is coming to you and then some. Your person fairs no better. You will be groped in public, he will get up in your face during arguments, assault you, rape you, expect you to look the way he wants you too without any consideration for whether you wanted his name tattooed on your neck or whether short hair actually suits you. He is entitled. Full stop.
The Mid-Range is less brutish and obvious in his sequestrating behaviour but is no less invasive. Where he differs from the Lesser is that he has enough control not to fly off the handle when challenged about the fact that he used the housekeeping for beer or used up all the hot water without putting the immersion heater on. Instead, the Mid-Range will offer an explanation, even an apology (although it is not meant) in order to ensure that consent is retrospectively given.
“I thought I had already asked you.”
“I am sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I will remember next time.”
“It was an emergency and I did not have time. Don’t be angry with me.”
“I will replace it tomorrow (that won’t happen) let’s not fall out now, I have something good to tell you.”
“I meant to get another one, I just plain forgot because I was busy running around after you.”
“I was hungry; you don’t begrudge me having something to eat do you?”
The Mid-Range will con you into granting consent so that he can file this away and use it for next time.
“But you didn’t mind last time.”
“Last time you said it was okay.”
“You said nothing when I did it last time, so how am I to know you don’t agree now? I am not a mind-reader.”
The Mid-Range will especially engage in making you feel sorry for him so you grant the consent retrospectively, he will make you feel guilty for objecting and make you seem like a spoilsport if you do not go along with what he wants.
What about the Greater? As you would expect there is none of the out and out grabbing of the Lesser as the Greater finds such behaviour vulgar. Nor would he engage in the pitiful mewling of the Mid-Range, that is ignoble and beneath the Greater. Of course the Greater has just as great, if not greater expectations that he can do as he pleases however his increased cognitive ability and awareness means that if need be, he will just plough on regardless and do as he pleases but he recognises the value in actually obtaining consent. Indeed, the extraction of this consent from a seemingly unwilling victim is a challenge the Greater relishes as it draws fuel, underlines his power and emphasises his superiority. You can expect the Greater to use emotional blackmail, bribery and coercion to extract the consent.
“If you agree to do it, I will take you somewhere good for dinner.”
“If you don’t do it, I will leave you.”
“If you refuse I just might have to publish those pictures I have of you.”
“I never thought of your as boring, everybody else does it you know?”
“My ex would do it without question. Maybe I made a mistake leaving her for you?”
The Greater applies pressure, immense pressure in order to extract this consent so that the reality is that consent was never properly given, but that is not going to stop the Greater. Once you nod, say you agree, mutter “okay then”, consent has been delivered and he will plough on with whatever it is that he wants to do. Do not think you can change your mind. In the world of the Greater, you cannot withdraw consent once given and it holds good for the rest of the relationship. It is not applicable as a one off.
The Greater also will apply plausible deniability to any situation where consent becomes an issue, so that if he is challenged by a third party with regard to the issue of consent, for example, taking somebody’s vehicle or using their money, he will use a combination of charm and out and out lies in order to damage the victim’s version of events and make it appear that consent was provided. The scheming intelligence of the Greater combined with the traits mentioned at the outset of this piece enable him to behave with impunity with regard to the issue of consent.
4 thoughts on “Consent”
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The words ‘plausible deniability’ in relation to actions and behaviours of narcissists that I had experienced in my past – including mother using as such. Lying to my grandmother about ie “What happened?”, “nothing” mother would reply (or make up some BS) – especially when me and / or my sister were upset about something. Did my grandmother know about mother’s behaviours / actions? Maybe she did (but not knowing it as narcissism) as I got older.
In my view, ‘plausible deniability’, has a large part in the world of narcissism – because of the manipulations, the gaslighting, the different ‘perceptions’ in between the narcissist’s view and those who are not narcissists. When ‘The Three Assertions of Control’ are applied by a narcissist – the victim(s), unaware narcissists, onlookers would not necessarily understand what they see or what is going on and in some cases make ‘assumptions’ that there has been some form of ‘disagreement’ (ie argument).
Disagreement is correct – because of the different ‘perceptions’ that are seen by the narcissist and non-narcissists.
An uneducated empath under the influence of narcissism (through those who have narcissism and the empath’s addiction to narcissists) would not necessarily see it as a ‘disagreement’ yet possibly, and more often than not, take the blame upon themselves. Effectively, taking it as ‘consent’ that the narcissist is right without question or considering ‘plausible deniability’.
This is what it would be nice to know prior to our hearts getting attached.
I am definitely dealing with a Greater. For me it’s a life sentence because it’s my mother. I dutifully complied for over 50 years because I didn’t know what was going on. It wasn’t until after I at 44, had seen a psychologist for 2 years that one day, she interrupted me as I was telling her how awesome my mom was, and said “your mother is a raging narcissist, I don’t know why you still are talking to her.” I didn’t know at the time that it was a psychological condition or what in the world she was talking about, it was 14 years ago. I went into denial for few years. It wasn’t until I had a psychosis breakdown 4 years ago that I realized I was stuck in a mythological fantasy that was almost all based on web of lies started unraveling one after another. I was mostly angry at myself for being so stupid, I knew all along something was wrong but I could never put my finger on it, but the experience was nothing short of escaping the matrix. Well I’m still stuck but at least I’m aware. Surprisingly the narcissist knew just before I knew, that I was on to her and she gave me a Visa card, just in case I needed money at some point. I was surprised and again questioned myself and even felt guilty for being such a crazy and delusional daughter but I couldn’t deny it because now I had a psychiatrist treating me in one of the top mental hospital in this country, confirm what the psychologist had said 10 years prior but it made me really confused for awhile. The indifference of my mother’s concern for my mental and physical being is a staggering denial. But I’ve been able to shut up her endless hypochondria because of illnesses and a bad accident, I’ve actually had, so just to irritate her, I now one up her on that and she retreats back into denial. She’s been sick her whole life, everything has been wrong with her, she’s even been allergic to water, now at 86 in stellar health, looks like in reality like a 70 year old and gloats about how the the people examining her bones and intestines and god knows what, at hospitals and clinics comment on the marvelous condition. Random people still comment on her youthful looks, which has always been a great fuel for her whole life, telling me as a kid, that people thought we were sisters and therefore pretending we were sisters instead of being and acting like my mother. Now, she is in her mind is going to be a centenarian or even better, never die, because she’s special and is already lamenting on how terrible it will be for her to live so long after everyone she knows has died, including her children, which are just a part of the dead pack to her. The money available to me, is usually not given without me asking. The entitlement to my fuel is always there as long as I have the card, but increases when I have needed and asked for money. I’ve tried to give the card back but the account remains open. If I don’t ask or use the card, I do get money and then a phone call to remind me to retrieve the cash. She has sent me a new card (without my consent) because I told her I had cut it and thrown it away. Any boundaries I try to set, privately or publicly (which backfired in a fury from an army of relatives and others) surprisingly affect her like I have never said nor wrote anything, which is completely crazy making for me. She has the ability to devalue me into nonexistent state, to the point where I completely depersonalize. She doesn’t hear me or see me. I usually only get blank stare from her if I challenge her and she tells me how much she loves me. Then I have to listen to how great she is and go on devaluating those around her, me included. There are all kinds of other sinister manipulations she does, but it’s just too much to talk about. I can’t see a way out, so now I’m going to use the card as a leverage for fuel. Why didn’t I think of this before?