The Darkness
Do you feel the darkness as it coils about you? Do you see those midnight black tendrils as they slither towards you? Do you recognise that encroaching cloak of nothingness as it begins to wrap around you? Do you see how the inky murk blots out parts of your life as your friends become obscured by the gathering darkness? Have you any idea what is waiting for you in the shade as the pools of despair begin to form at your feet? Can you feel the icy embrace as the levels of gloom start to rise, swallowing you up bit by bit? Are you aware of the advancing chasm as it swallows up your family, wrenching them away from you consigning them to oblivion?
The engulfing darkness causes them to vanish and even their desperate cries and shouts become muffled and then extinguished. Do you remember what held your interest before this fog arrived? Can you recall those hobbies and past times that entertained you and gave you a sense of who you were as you enjoyed engaging in them and with other people? Can you or is the fog too thick so that you doubt if you ever did undertake them at all? Have you noticed how the air has become thicker and cloyed with poison or do you breathe it in oblivious to the toxicity that comes with it? Are you aware how the twilight has percolated into your ears so that everything you hear has become twisted and distorted? Do you recognise what is patently before you or do the shadowy shapes and figures make little sense when they once did?
Have you realised that your words have become dust in your mouth as the fur of the darkness fills your mouth and slides down your throat, strangling the sounds you try to make? Do you feel the icy embrace of this impenetrable wall of darkness which advances to you and over you? Do you recognise this glacier of despair as it slides over you, subsuming you and sucking you deep inside, preserving you in a dark, icy tomb? Do you even see your reflection in the mirror anymore or has that become masked in darkness too, the glass dulled so that everything becomes obscured and shows something else entirely?
Do you see those shades which come and torment you, their sinewy fingers pulling at you as they strip you piece by piece of what you are? Do you observe these wraiths as they devour you, sucking what you are into their dark maws? How does it feel as this corrupting night brings permanent darkness to your world? Do you see how nothing grows anymore when touched by the gloomy taint? Do you smell that foul stench which accompanies this unending blanket of murk?
The acrid fumes which waft into your nostrils and eradicate anything sweet and pleasant. Do you notice how your tongue lies flat and useless in your mouth, little more than a cold slab? Do you even acknowledge how everything tastes like ash? Do you feel the leaden weight of this darkness pulling at you, slowing you and seeking to engulf you? Do you recognise how it prevents you from breaking free, this glue-like morass which has fastened on to you and will not yield?
Do you notice the fatigue that now wraps around you, leeching at your energy and vitality? Do you hear anything other than the whispers of malevolent control that rattle about your beleaguered brain? Do you know who you are or has this vast amorphous darkness eradicated your sense of being?
Do you remember what it was to feel uplifted, joyous and happy or have you become accustomed to the flat, perilous embrace of this total darkness?
Do you even feel anything anymore other or has the cosseting black cloud anaesthetised you, numbing and freezing?
Do you feel the darkness? No, you never do.
You never see the darkness until you have seen the light.
5 thoughts on “The Darkness”
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It’s this one if you are interested. https://www.tate.org.uk/art/artworks/kim-death-of-sun-i-t14359
Yes, I feel it. Just like your words. I have known light, only for brief… Very brief periods, but I know it. I remember it more like a dream I once had than an actual moment in my life. The times that this darkness has lifted I always wonder how I survived because it was thicker and darker than I knew while inside. I always say I won’t survive it if it happens again. I survive. I do not live, but I survive.
Oh yes, the light was very bright, which is why the darkness then turned blacker than black.
When you look at the sun, then you see nothing for a while, just that black circle …
The physical sensations that narcissists cause are also very interesting. Three of them were characteristic for me.
1. Fatigue. “My” narcissist is kind enough to ask me, “Are you tired already?” He even gave me moments of respite. I never confirmed it, even when it was raining. He made his own decisions. But now I’m regenerating like lightning.
However, I have been in this darkness for many years. Sorrow and suffering. One time, this first time, he managed to throw me there. He couldn’t cope with me alone, my own pain is not that important to me … but a baby showed up and he played it perfectly. He broke me.
2. Vomiting. When he led the first, strong devaluation, the tightness in my stomach was so great that I vomited several times. When he returned after 13 years, his first reaction was contempt, excitement and … vomiting.
I have lived behind the veil for many years. There was no time for thorough analysis. It was necessary to create a happy home in this misfortune, to raise and maintain a child.
Only hoover enlightened me. I was looking for mental illnesses and disorders until in January this year I came across the term “narcissism”. And I’ve been here for 3 months. Bliss. Understanding. I will stay here for a while … although I know that I also have to leave this place to recover completely.
I won’t go back to the dark (I guess the risk is always there). Now I really “played” with this sick game of closer / further, hug / hurt, sun / hail. When things were getting boring, I was like, “Shall we have a little more fun?” He: “Gladly, you know I like psychology games.” It was interesting. I like new experiences, challenges … and I like resistance.
Now I was playing from a different position.
3. The most interesting reaction in my body was a few months ago. Seduction with sex (at a distance) was so electrifying that my hormones completely went crazy – I had no menstruation for 3 months 🙂
Autoimmune diseases as a result of wounds to the psyche is also an interesting topic.
Darkness. Yes, I was there. I remember her well.
“When you look at the sun, then you see nothing for a while, just that black circle.” There is a magnificent piece of art at the Tate Modern in London that I used to revisit every time I was there and that reminds me of this sentence of yours. I think its title is “Death of Sun.” On a different note, autoimmune diseases as a result of trauma: YES. I totally agree with you.
“Do you feel the darkness? No, you never do”
I did. Unconsciously aware.’Sensed’ it. For a whole life-time. I became consciously aware of it after finding KTN site. Became acutely aware of it during my journey of learning.
“You never see the darkness until you have seen the light”
Absolutely. These words can only be understood after you have done the learning, thought ‘re-processing’ when your emotions are no longer ‘weighing’ you down, when the past no longer ‘affects’ you as it once did.
HG, you, have provided a whole world of ‘search-lit’ information with thousands of lights (pieces of your work) – in clear and concise language with different angles of looking at the same ‘result’. Some of your work may be dark, some of it light, some of it colourful yet it’s in black and white. It is up to us (as individuals) on our ‘own’ journeys (through our minds and emotions) to find the ‘suitable’ trail of lights (via HG’s work = how to manage ET, improve & increase LT) to navigate our path to free our ‘inner’ light from the hidden depths of ourselves to shine brighter.
Good to re-read this one again. Thank you, HG.