5 Myths About the Narcissist


There is too much incorrect information about narcissism. It is misleading, incomplete and often even dangerous.

I  read views propounded about me and my kind, with interest but a weary familiarity with regard to the common errors that will be made. There are some intelligent and well-reasoned observations about what we do and why we do it, although they are not new.. Other views are purely driven by the understandable anger and hurt that is engendered in people by us, although as I have repeatedly sought to explain, when one operates through emotion, poor decisions are made and the clear picture is not observed. I also frequently come across comments which are made about us which are inaccurate. I am not referring to the disagreement one might have in terms of an ad hominem attack against us. Many people consider us to be arseholes and bastards. I understand that viewpoint, many of my kind would disagree, but it is not that kind of value judgement that makes its way to becoming a myth about us.

There are other more important misconceptions. As part of my ongoing work in explaining what we are, why we do what we do and your involvement in this narcissistic dynamic, it is just as important to explain what we are, as detail what we are not. With that purpose in mind, I turn to five myths about our kind so you can continue to receive the best information and understanding, from me. Time to slay some myths.


  1. We have no emotions


This view has gained some traction owing to the fact that my kind function with a considerable emptiness inside of us. The existence of this void can cause people to believe that because we are a shell and a husk that we are devoid of emotions. The fact that we feed off other people’s emotions also supports the view that we have none of our own. We need to steal the emotions that other people experience to enable us to feel.

The fact is that we do experience and feel certain emotions. We experience annoyance, anger and rage. Indeed, the churning fury which is always there beneath the surface, ready to be ignited, is a prevailing emotion of ours. We know boredom, disgust and loathing. We are very familiar with jealousy, envy, shame and hatred. Malice, malevolence, anticipation, contempt, aggression and power are further ones. Our stable of emotions is dominated by negative emotions. These are the ones which have been allowed to develop and that is because the force behind these emotions has been harnessed to allow us to achieve our aims. Our hatred for being devoid of fuel, drives us on to extract it. Our disgust at weakness causes us to always want to maintain superiority and strength. It is these emotions which make us effective and ruthless.

By contrast we do not experience joy or happiness, sadness or regret, serenity or love, remorse or guilt. These are alien to us along with others. We either have never known them or they have been stripped from us in order to allow us to operate with greater effectiveness, free from encumbrance and hindrance. We understand emotions because we want yours directed towards us. We understand how to mimic them and we understand when they should be exhibited (although some of our kind are better at this than others) but ultimately we do experience some emotions, just nowhere near as much as you.


  1. Copying us infuriates us


No it does not. If we are angry with you and shouting, if you decide to mirror this behaviour, all you are doing is providing us with fuel. If you parrot what we say to you, if there is any emotion attached to it, even if it is said with sarcasm, a sneer or contempt, it is fuel. If you decide to fall silent because we have, we may realise that the silent treatment is not reaping the fuel that we expected, but it does not infuriate us. Instead, we will just switch to a different form of manipulation in order to cause you to provide us with fuel. You find it hard after a while to keep mirroring what we are doing, your emotional capacity is such that it usually breaks through in some form and thus fuel is provided. We also recognise what you are doing and if you are giving us fuel, we will let you continue to mirror us. If you are not, your mirroring is not a criticism therefore there is no wounding, but we will shift to a different behaviour to bring forth the fuel.


  1. We miss you when you are gone


No, we miss your fuel, not you. That is what we miss most of all. We may also miss the traits that we were able to steal from you and also the residual benefits that you provided. It is something that victims of our kind find very difficult to accept. Surely some of what we said and did was genuine? It seemed that way, so surely it must have been? It must be the case that we liked somethings that you did? We did; the fuel, the traits and the residual benefits. We did not care about whether you were humorous, save that your sense of humour was appropriated by us for the purpose of making us seem better with other people. The radiant smile is only missed because it gave us fuel. Your extensive knowledge about wine was again another trait which made us look better.

Not only is it only these things that we miss when you are gone, the simple fact remains that if we discarded you, we decided that you were no longer worth the effort in keeping around and in most cases, we had identified and seduced a replacement. With this person in place, we focus on them, only turning to you to dole out Malign Follow-Up Hoovers (or Benign ones later when the replacement begins to turn stale). There is little doubt that you loved us with everything that you had, that you thought the world of us and nobody could have done for us what you did, but that is all from your perspective. Once we have discarded you, that all counts for nothing. You became a malfunctioning appliance and you have been replaced. We miss nothing about you.

If you escape, we will miss the three items that I detailed above and indeed we will look to recover them through the Initial Grand Hoover and Follow-Up Hoovers but do not think that our protestations of being unable to live without you, how we cannot imagine another day with you and we miss you so much, have anything to do with you as a person. They do not. We are unable to live without your fuel, we cannot imagine another day without using your traits and miss your residual benefits so much. All of these declarations, pleas, begging gestures and so forth are only designed to recover the three principle reasons we attach you. You can tell yourself that we miss you terribly if it makes you feel better but you are misleading yourself.


  1. We hate being alone


We need people. There is no doubt about that. We need people because we need the three principle benefits, chief amongst which is fuel, but that is not the same as saying we hate to be alone. In this instance, there is a degree of truth in the above statement but it requires considerable qualification. If we have been well-fueled we are able to be alone, engage in solitary activities and spend time in our own company without difficulty. Of course, the longer this goes on, eventually our fuel level drops and we will need to seek out people, but we do not hate being alone in such a situation.

Furthermore, the advantages of technology mean that although we may not be physically proximate to somebody, the advantages of Skype, text messages, telephone calls and even hand-written letters allows us to be on our own but in contact with many fuel sources. Add to this Thought Fuel and you have a situation whereby we can be physically isolated but with such connections we can manage perfectly well extracting all of these variable fuel types.

Remove such connections however and in a situation when our fuel levels are already low and we are physically isolated with no means of contacting people and that is when you shall see that we hate to be alone.


  1. We have a conscience

We do not. We think only of ourselves, our needs and how each situation can benefit us. We may appear to exhibit a conscience in order to con people and this is something more witnessed with the Mid-Range and Greater Narcissist, in order to fit in to a situation and people’s expectations but we have been created without a need for a conscience. If we had one, we would not be able to trample on people in the way we do. We would not be able to always be moving forward, never caring for what has gone before us. If ever you witness a situation where one of our kind appears to have had our conscience pricked, all it means is that we see an advantage in pretending that this is the case and we wish to dupe you and others for our own benefit.

3 thoughts on “5 Myths About the Narcissist

  1. Asp Emp says:

    Re: my comment on HG’s article ‘The Good, The Bad and The Nothing Else’ “What am I getting at? If we were to get to know somebody without necessarily knowing their name (which, is in fact also a ‘label’) and just get to know that person by observing & communicating with them to ‘determine’ their characteristics. This can be done without attaching ‘labels’ to people”

    Despite my hearing ‘disability’, I learned to speak words starting from around 2 months after I was issued with hearing aids at 6 months old. Mother kept a ‘diary’ of my ‘education’ from when I was a baby. When I am aged around 3 years old, she records that I am an “awkward” child. How DARE she?! (I still have that exercise book).

    There were some “propounded” ‘myths’ made about me, by other people. Before they got to know me, as an individual.

    I am not a narcissist, I am an ACON with emotional and cognitive empathy.

    I was ‘misunderstood’ by people (non-narcissists) who do not know enough about the human psyche.

    I don’t have a “fixed” ‘mentality’, I have my own mind, my own thoughts, my own experiences (memories).

    I do not have “anger issues” and did not need to go and get “anger management” – yet I took ‘therapy’ based on a (boss) narcissist’s ‘say so’, only to be told that I am not the one with the “problem”. Indicating that I did not need this type of ‘therapy’.

    Yes, I needed some form of therapy and found the right one for me. It worked.

    Earlier today, I read a few of HG’s very early articles and some of the comments.

    Some people do not need “treatment”, only need to be ‘understood’ through getting to know the person, rather than based on ‘propounded’ “considerations” made by OTHER people.

    1. Contagious says:

      What is CLEAR is you don’t have shame. Narcs seem to feel inner shame or this feeling they are worthless deep inside. Guilt is when you feel bad for actions not self. Shame means you feel self is bad, worthless. They seem to defend themselves by being grandiose or hope to ease the tension or punishment ( parents?) by inspiring pity. The only way to cure shame I think is empathy. Shame cannot grow or thrive in a supportive environment. Needs trust too. You were invalidated but don’t feel worthless or shame like narcs do. Thank goodness, you weren’t broken. But I don’t get why empathy can’t work once an adult? HG … why?

  2. A Victor says:

    Why does it take so long for these to really sink in? One in particular, for me, but three and five have been slow also. As these start to sink in does this mean that our ET is going down? Or only that we’re gaining a bit more understanding of the way the narcissist works? Very important information to realize here, very foundational, but not easy for me to grasp.

    Understanding that my ex absolutely did not miss me or our kids, not even a little, he only missed a place to lay his head occasionally or eat something, and why he did not miss us, was hugely helpful in letting that relationship go. Coming to understand that helped me to realize that his fuel was taken care of, he didn’t need us for that, not ever, he would always find a way to meet that need, he didn’t have a choice. And, he would always find a way to have his residual benefit needs met also. Until he left, I made my own importance to him bigger than it ever really was, thinking he was staying because I was me, because I did not know what he was. My only sadness is that it was over ten years after he left before I learned the truth, a complete waste of my time. But better late than never.

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