The Narcissist and The Power of Pain
My mind has always applied itself to how I can exert control over other people. I understand now that it commenced doing this unconsciously, that is the very nature of narcissism. However, I also gained an awareness of how fundamental power is to me, how I need it, how I want it and how I can use it. I recognised that having power made me feel powerful, immense, gargantuan in presence and application and that I could not stand to be without it. Of course this all stemmed from my utter need (like all of my kind) for control at all times. I did not know of this particular need initially.
It is clear I developed an unconscious need for control and power. Unlike most of my kind, this then evolved into a conscious need for control and power and thus allied with a natural lack of empathy, immense intelligence and sadistic streak I took notice of the ways in which I could actively and purposefully achieve control and power.
This control had to be over everything – the environment around me and of course that meant the people within that environment.
I had to control people. I absolutely had to.
By applying control I get them to do what I want and this will enable me to obtain fuel from them. I witnessed at an early stage the power of pain and this formed in my mind an indelible reason to utilise it in order to gain and maintain control.
I do not recall precisely how old I was but I do recall that I had not yet started secondary school so I must have been under the age of twelve. There was a group of us children that played together and it was during a particular summer that we had been engaged in some kind of game in the fields near to where we all lived. The fields and the small river which ran through them with the occasional copse made for an exciting environment in which we could play out invented games. From battles between armies, to tales of fantasy involving orcs and elves through to pretending to be astronauts on an undiscovered planet, we made full use of the space that we were afforded.
I recall that one hot afternoon we had been engaged in a game which involved a battle and one of our group, a boy called Jonathan had been the general. He was not very good and he had made a series of stupid decisions that meant our side lost the battle. I was determined not to lose the war and I proposed that I should now be the general and it should be me who organised our troops. He was a whiny child who began to bleat about how I was often the general and it was his turn today. He explained his turn was to last all day. I grew irritated by his desire to remain in place as the general and a calamitous one at that. How dare he assume the mantle of greatness when it was patently clear that he was not up to the task? How dare he lead us to slaughter and defeat? I was not happy but despite my protests he would not stand down. The other side had long since departed across the other side of the fields and were awaiting the shot for battle to be joined. Our troops had been dispatched to various locations leaving just Jonathan and I at the rear. I was furious with him. My rage at his idiocy was burning inside of me and as he stood on the rock from which the general always directed our troops, since it afforded a good view across the meadow I moved besides him. With a violent shove I pushed him from the rock and he fell into a clump of stinging nettles that had grown next to the rock. He howled in pain as the first stings took effect and wearing a t-shirt and shorts, his exposed limbs and face fell prey to the vicious stings of the nettles. He cried out and jumped up trying to move free of the nettles but as he neared the edge I gave him another shove and sent him tumbling back into the midst of them causing him to cry out again. With tears streaming down his face and arms showing the welts from the repeated stings he tried to emerge again and once more I pushed him back into the stinging nettles. I did this again and then once again until with face red and swollen he decided against trying to get past me and stumbled through the nettles, wincing and whimpering as he took another route. I watched him leave until all that could be heard was his juddering sobbing. I climbed onto the rock and from there took control of our troops and directed them to a stunning victory.
Jonathan’s father later attended at our house. I saw him striding up the path with Jonathan in tow, his father incandescent with anger. I stood at the top of the stairs and listened as he thundered and shouted but he did not breach our porch. My mother barred his way and I could not hear her voice but I knew that she would be keeping him in his place with her steely tones and flinty looks. Eventually Jonathan and his father walked away back down the path and I watched their family retreat for the second time that day.
There was no punishment from my mother. Nothing was said to me at all. In her usual fashion she had dealt with the matter. I know not what she said but she made no mention of it to me. This was her way of dealing with such matters.
I continued to play with the group and with Jonathan. Every time he looked at me I could see the pain in his eyes just as I had that day when I had pushed him repeatedly into the stinging nettles. He never asked to be general again and was always the first to suggest that I be appointed as leader of our troops. He had experienced pain doled out by me and he knew what to do thereafter. I also knew what power could be derived from such pain. It was a lesson in learning an instrument of manipulation.
I was learning. Pain equalled power.
I was finally righting the wrongs and power was THE instrument by which this would be achieved.
20 thoughts on “The Narcissist and The Power of Pain”
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Raw.
The way power is used in the piece. Unadulterated. No mercy.
“I was learning. Pain equals power”
Some people forget that some ACONs become narcissists because of the LOCE and pain. Pain (in my opinion) is one of the earliest ‘sensations’ (physical; mental; emotion – in that order) that people can learn by experience. Some pain can be deeper than others amongst children of similar ages.
It depends whether a person who ‘issued’ the pain or environmental ie falling over & hurting one-self.
“I was finally righting the wrongs and power was THE instrument by which this would be achieved”
I recall a bully at school, who was a few years older. She picked on anyone who was vulnerable. She had bullied me (and others) a number of times, after a couple years – I **fought* back. Hard. I won. She never touched me after that. She was not the only bully in the school. ** (enough was enough, of the ‘abuse’.
Schools in those days, issued ‘punishments’ or exclusion – without the ‘therapy’ that is the ‘norm’ these days. That is how much society has changed.
Anyway, I now, have ‘righted’ the ‘wrongs’ as a result of the ‘traumas’ that I had lived with for so long. Through ‘re-processing’ they way I look at my past, despite being unable to ‘re-write’ it.
I was similar as child. Would have done the same back then. I used to beat up other children just for fun or once smashed the head of another girl several times against a mail box. One boy in the neighborhood was crying in a very peculiar way which terribly got on my nerves. So I beat him when he cried because that was irritating me, the more he cried, the more I beat and kick him.
But then, the years went by and I developed empathy.
I wonder how much your response related to trauma, rather than a lack of empathy, Leela? It can seem like a fine line between the two at times, and empathy does in some respects need to be taught, but trauma may also cause us to act in a less than empathic way. If you were being bullied at home, it’s likely you learnt the behaviours there and your reactions were an outlet for your own pain and frustration. In this instance I’d say HGs mother taught him well – it was the only defence she left him with. That of dominating others in order to be in control.
I think it is in fact a response to trauma. I was not only bullied and put down at home but was also bullied at school. I had friends, but there were also bullies.
LFS, isn’t it interesting to be able to see why you responded the way you did? I fought a bully or two at school – I think it also resulted in other bullies backing off after I ‘let rip’ at this one bully. I just ‘lost’ it with her. What was interesting also, the fact that it was females……I suppose they ‘sensed’ your empath and did not know what you are. What about you? Were the bullies male or female, and of which were ‘majority’? I am asking because I wonder whether it is the narcissist parent that ‘attracted’ a certain sex of the bulllies?
The bullies were all male! All of them. I fought back, but then there was always at least four of them bullying me. No one of them bullied me alone. At least four or five! Coward fuckers! Later, as adult, I became a very attractive woman. And some of them were keen on fucking me. It was my greatest pleasure to reject them in an ice cold manner! Buahahahahaha! 😈😈😈😎
LFS, thank you for sharing – interesting but not surprising – about your bullies being males (as I suspected) and my bullies being female. I think that says a LOT. One female narcissist gave me the impression she wanted me, I am not that way ‘inclined’. I now understand why she eventually didn’t ‘like’ me, because she could not necessarily ‘control’ me in the way she wanted (or, needed, from her perspective). Good on you that you rejected them! Thank you for sharing RE: the bullies.
Biologically they were males, but they were coward twats. Four or five of them against ONE girl. Pussies!
LFS, laughing…….you put it so aptly! 😉
LET, RE: “I wonder how much your response related to trauma, rather than a lack of empathy” – a good analogy. And RE: “your reactions were an outlet for your own pain and frustration” – maybe it was instinctual for many years because the cognitive mind would not have necessarily developed the ‘understanding’ as to why react in that way? You used the word ‘defence’ – sums it up, I think.
My first Supernovae? 🤔
LFS, I love that……laughing….. “Supanovae”……I love that!
Isn´t hat the correct plural of Supernova? 😁
LFS….excellent question (laughing)….. brilliant! However, if it is ONE supanova per narcissist in your past, then, I reckon without the ‘E’ on the end….we don’t wish to confuse the two, do we 😉
OMG! You are a girl I definitely wouldn’t mess with.
It was better not to mess with me. 😁 But now I´m an adult woman and don´t do that anymore of course 😂
Leela, ha ha but only to the Narcissist.
This explains a lot about certain people who take on leadership roles.
This article explains a lot, like basically everything, it’s all about the power. It is so odd how reading or hearing something in just the right way at just the right time can suddenly make a lot fall into place. This article explains how that desire for power is discovered as such. The summer narc used to talk about how he would taunt the boys or terrorize the teachers in his school and how it gave him power over them, often they didn’t even know who had caused their problem but it was enough that he did. He expressed such seeming pleasure at the idea and then he took that knowledge and built his life on replicating it, I could see that. From a helpless little abused boy to a man who did horrible things to other people, and bragged about it. Tragic but not a reason to stick around. My ex was the same but not as obvious, same with my mother. Interesting article.