Closure Denied



We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.

This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park.

Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you.

You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.

In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection.

We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you by instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I.

If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them.

We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.

We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?

Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and tastes, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. In our world, we can never be washed away.

 Wash the Narcissist Away – The Triple Addiction Package

Wash the Narcissist Away – How to Stop the Hoovers

Wash the Narcissist Away – Exorcism

19 thoughts on “Closure Denied

  1. lisk says:

    No Contact, buttressed by a couple of consultations with HG and many visits to KTN posts and comments, has helped me achieve the closure that I need.

    Also, knowing that I’m an object and nothing special and that I was pretty much on my own when I was *with* the narcissist helps me not miss that ‘relationship’ at all.

    Any pining or remaining questions that might pop up are easily shut down with “Why? Because he’s a Narcissist!” in HG’s voice—so I guess the only narcissist that really lingers is HG, and that’s fine with me!

  2. Joa says:

    Just let him go” – I heard from someone important to me.

    Truth. It should be so.
    But I can’t 🙂

  3. Empath007 says:

    One of the worst parts of the breakup – by far.

  4. leelasfuelstinks says:

    Indeed! You guys don´t provide closure even when you die!

    1. A Victor says:

      Leela, what do you mean??? Death is all I have to look forward toooooo!!!! One of ours…

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        I mean that my Upper Lesser A Somatic ex died a couple of years ago.

      2. leelasfuelstinks says:

        And if death is the only thing you look forward to, then you really need a doctor. 🙁 😔

        1. A Victor says:

          Not my death, or at least not only my death. I am sorry, that was not intended to be serious. I am fine.

          So your ULA Somatic died and you still have unanswered questions? I see. I suppose that could be said for my dad but I don’t tend to look back a lot, he’s gone, I accept not getting answers from him, moving on. I do understand that not all people do this, and that a romantic situation might be different. I am sorry you don’t have closure.

          1. leelasfuelstinks says:

            When he died, I did not know what to think. I did not know back then that he was a narcissist. I knew he´s going to die early, that was crystal clear. With THAT lifestyle it is not possible to grow old. I knew would die before age 60. But he died even before age 40!! Didn´t expect such an early death! Even though he had treated me like shit, I felt sorry. Nobody deserves to die that early. On the other hand: Death was a relief for him and there were moments when I thought that he somehow deserved to die for everything he had done to me and to other victims.

          2. A Victor says:

            Oh wow, Leela, I’m so sorry you went through that! I didn’t realize he was that young, that had to be very sad. Thank you for sharing that. I am so glad you are here, hopefully some of the closure has been able to happen.

          3. leelasfuelstinks says:

            H.G. provided me closure with the NDC. Before I always had thought that he was a “Borderline”. Indeed he got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. In fact, he was an Upper Lesser A Somatic.

        2. A Victor says:

          And please forgive me if that was tasteless, I didn’t intend to minimize the seriousness of suicide, I take that very seriously.

          1. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Not a big deal. Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II, it´s a bit of a sensitive topic for me, but it´s no drama. 👍

          2. A Victor says:

            Thank you, I needed the reminder to be more sensitive. I am not bipolar but I used to be suicidal every month for a few days. It caused a lot of problems for me. It has been a long time since that changed and I don’t often think of it anymore. But I still need to be aware that others could be struggling and some things are not funny. Thank you for your gracious reply.

          3. leelasfuelstinks says:

            I have actually bipolar disorder type II, but it´s not a big deal. I can live a normal and successful live, I only take my daily mood stabilizers, lead a healthy lifestyle and everything is fine. Have been episode free for a long time. 🙂

          4. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Then it seems to be “only” depression, don´t know, but you have to go to the doctor with that! Being suicidal is always a psychiatric emergency!

          5. leelasfuelstinks says:

            No big deal. You´re an Empath. 😉

    2. Asp Emp says:

      LFS, WOW. Absolutely. Certainly where ‘mother’ is concerned on my part……took bloody years. Had I known about narcissism when she was alive, I would have saved much of my ‘sanity’ for so long. Alas.

      It’s never too late. To learn & understand.

  5. MP says:

    The closure is that they were horrible to us and we don’t belong in each other’s circus.

    I remember when I asked my sister to pay for what she owed us and I got a strong feeling that she wouldn’t pay so I stopped asking her and just avoided her. I’m glad that I did that because she wouldn’t have paid us anyway even if I kept on following up about it. I didn’t do very well with my former MR frenemy though as I kept asking her to bring the exercise video she borrowed. She always said she will but kept forgetting about it. But I’m just glad I didn’t loan her my necklace for her wedding because that would have been an incredible loss for me if she didn’t return it. Just like in HG’s lists of thins to never do with narcissists, never loan anything to them. It’s absolutely true.

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