I have a busy day today. Much to do and many people to do it to but when you have someone’s interests at heart, well, this is what you have to do isn’t it? I have the list of telephone numbers which I have noted down from your telephone when I gained access to it. It was not difficult to do so. Using my famous ability to move around without making much of a noise I stole up behind you and watched you enter the passcode for your phone and I stored that in my memory to enable me to use it when you were sleeping. Naturally I had a good look through all your messages, your diary and e-mails but that is for another discussion. I recognised the names of numerous people and made a note of their numbers inside my little book and then hid that in readiness for when I decided it was time I needed to use it. Now that time has come and it is incumbent on me to take this step.
The first number I enter into my phone is that of Sarah, a friend of yours. She answers after two rings. Like many people she is surgically attached to the ‘phone.
“Hello Sarah it is HG. Listen, I just wanted to let you know, since you are such a good friend of hers, that Gemma is, well I think the easiest way to describe it is that she is not well, not well at all. What do I mean? She has been acting rather strangely. The slightest thing seems to either have her shouting or crying. At first I wondered if it was just, you know, women’s things, but it has been going on for months now. You had no idea? No I know, I have not said anything before because well I was hoping I could help her deal with it but it is beyond even me. I am going to get her some help. I try and talk to her about it but she just clams up on me, gives me silence and then a little later accuses me of not caring. I don’t think she is sleeping properly either and it takes me an age to get her to eat. Should you come round? No, thank you, that is kind of you, but I don’t want her to do anything which might upset you. She is very erratic in her behaviour but it is something more than just mood swings. I am going to get her the proper help but I am just forewarning you that if she contacts you just be aware that she is not herself. She has been saying things about people, me included, which are not very nice and I don’t want this period of illness to affect her relationship with her friends, you know how some people can be overly sensitive to what someone says and they miss the point they are unwell. Yes, that’s right. Yes I think it would be a good idea if you just give her some space. Yes, absolutely. If she does contact me, let me know, you have my number on your ‘phone now. Yes I will pass on your kind words and thanks for your help Sarah, it is much appreciated at this difficult time.”
I end the call and place a tick next to Sarah’s name. She was most understanding and fully appreciate the need for space in order to allow you to get better. Now, who is next. Ah yes, another of your friends, Helen. I call Helen and explain the situation almost word-for-word as I did with Sarah. She asks more details about what is wrong and I reluctantly tell her about the violence and the lying. She is shocked I can tell and she spends some time searching for an amateur diagnosis as to what it might be. I listen as she drones on, checking my watch and noting I have other names to get through too. Eventually I am able to conclude the call and place another tick. I continue working my way through your list of friends, the ticks adding up. Next is John, your fitness instructor.
“Hello John, this is HG, Gemma’s partner. We haven’t met. Look John, difficult call to make but Gemma is unwell at present. It is pretty serious. Yes, thank you, it is a difficult time but I am doing the best I can to help her. It is unclear at present what it is, I am organising for a doctor to come and see her today but it is making her very difficult to be around. She may be suffering from some kind of breakdown brought on by exhaustion. Yes, it is a worry. I know you would not have thought it to look at her outside of our house but I think this has been brewing for some time, you know, she even started telling me that she was going to marry you. Yes I know that is ridiculous isn’t it? You are already married? I thought you were. Don’t worry, I know nothing is going on, I am sure you are far too professional for that kind of thing, but this is part of the problem, she keeps coming out with outlandish comments and I can handle it but I worry others might not so she won’t need your services until further notice. Payment? Well yes if she has an agreement with you then just continue to take her monthly payment after all this is not your fault is it? I will let you know when she is well again but just in case she tries to contact you I think it would be best if you don’t take her calls, I don’t want her causing you any trouble especially between you and your wife. Thank you John, your discretion is appreciated.”
Another tick and a similar call is made to your choral group and your book club. Next is your employer. I made you take today off under the pretence of you gaining a lie in and then us doing something together. We stayed up late last night so you are still fast asleep upstairs allowing me to make these important telephone calls. Your employer is understanding and I can confirm that arrangements will be made to provide the relevant doctor’s note because I explained this situation is likely to last a number of weeks. My preparation thus segues into arranging for the local doctor to make a house call after I explain to the receptionist, in worried tones, that having you leave the house in your current state might be a risk to both you and other people. She was most understanding and confirmed that a doctor would attend after surgery, around 5pm. Next on the list are your family members. I secured the advantage of persuading you to move with me away from them and they are now a flight away. The inconvenience of having to fly and the distance is something I play on as I call your parents and your sister, forewarning them that they may experience some unpleasant comments about them and especially me given her condition. I assure them that I am taking care of you and there is really no need for them to come all this way. I confirm I will keep them updated and they are pleased I have taken time off work to care for you and that I have arranged for a doctor to attend. I spend considerable time reeling off examples of the terrible behaviour you have exhibited, explaining the awful things I have been subjected to and the lies you have told about me, your friends and family. I explain that I can deal with it but I just feel so sorry for your parents and your sister having to hear such things and in order to prevent it happening again the best thing is to contact me and not you and to keep you at arms’ length. I explain I understand that it is hard but it will be the best outcome for all concerned if you are prevented from lashing out and hurting people. My explanations and good intentions are accepted and thanks is offered for my understanding and support.
The final tick is placed on the list and I place both ‘phone and pen down. I really should go and wash my hands now after smearing all that mud around.
12 thoughts on “Muddy Hell”
Very true. I will definitely use that next time we speak. Thanks NA.
Hi everyone – I wanted to get some thoughts on the subject of the empathetic person trying to help another empathetic person out of an abusive situation.
Recently a loved one of mine has been in trouble – asking for my help – due to the close nature of our relationship I have been helping (taking a few more precautions then I would have in the past – knowing they are dealing with a narcissit). Of course days later the narc has hoovered them back in – and I am left feeling a bit resentful my advise was not taken seriously. I spent an entire day worrying when I had important things of my own to accomplish etc.
While I do not judge this victim as I have been there myself – it made me think – as empaths we can not get too involved in other people’s relationship drama.
Where is the balance between being caring – and loosing ourselves in the drama of others. How can we protect ourselves in this type of scenario ?
Essentially I told the person I love – they were a grown adult and can make their own decisions if they decide to stay then that’s their choice. I didn’t say much beyond that but intend on ignoring them for the next few weeks as they have been calling me daily (leaving messages at 2am
Saying they’ve received threats etc) – it as affected my sleep – my productivity – and sometimes things like this will happen but I now want to respectfully bow out – and let them handle their own life.
You showed you cared by offering your advice when she asked, she did not take it.
It has now affected you emotionally. It’s not your problem to fix
We protect ourselves by not getting involved
I would bow out
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Hi Empath007, we can be sucked dry by people in crisis. If boundaries aren’t respected, stronger boundaries are not unreasonable. As empaths I think it is easy to lose ourselves in other peoples drama and very important that we protect ourselves from that, as you have done. Sometimes they need to take responsibility for themselves and unless we do, we are throwing away good advice. You could recommend narcsite, HG’s work and calling the police for the threats, they are much more equipped to help anyway. I think your decision is a wise one. Wishing you the best, it can be tough to be in such a position. There can be a lot of guilt involved.
“Unless we do protect ourselves…” – for clarification.
Thank you Bubbles and A Victor – I have decided that I can not be dragged on the rollercoaster with them and will have to do my best to separate myself from it. It is difficult when it’s peope we really care about. But the abuser will always have more of a hold then me … it’s unfoetante but true. In this case it is a male being abused by a femal narc … which is even more difficult – as women can more easily play the victim card and make the man look bad.
Thanks for your kind words. It was helpful and encouraging.
You’re welcome Empath007. Those types of situations cause a lot of discomfort for me, I avoid them like the plague but if one happens to catch me, it is stressful. So your situation struck a nerve. I am glad to see you have a plan going forward. Take care of yourself. 🙂
I’m not sure how close you are to your friend but I’ve been going through this with my bestie and I would not stop speaking to her over it but over time I became more distant on the topic. I did not approve of the relationship and I told her I will never meet him. I stopped sharing my opinion unless asked for and even then I would keep certain things to myself otherwise I would just keep repeating the same things I’ve said for several years.
Eventually she mentioned him less and less even though she was still seeing him. I never asked about him so she got the message.
It didn’t help that she has a narcissist mother who was advising her not to change her number.
They recently broke up again and I have advised her around no contact because she came to me voluntarily to speak about the separation. I did not do this in a “poor baby” type of way.. I just explained that this guy is stalking her and this is what she needs to do to put an end to it.
I think it’s helping her to know that no one really likes him now, so she can’t bring him around anyone.
But whatever she decides to do from here on out is up to her.
I know it’s easier said than done but try not to take him not applying your advice right now personally.
Interesting it’s a man being abused this time ….but it does happen more than we realise
I love my son, however, I won’t let my guard down and get caught up in his dramas
I need to remain alert and not get sucked in emotionally … it’s damn hard, but achievable!
When he converses, I don’t react, I listen. Sometimes I say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘ I need time to think about it’, this allows me breathing space for logic thoughts and replies. I will not be guilt tripped! Our son is an adult who can make his own decisions.
We can show our love for those we care for, but keep it on the sidelines, where it’s safer for our health and well being.
If someone asks for your advice and doesn’t take it the first time, don’t bother asking again as they’ll keep making the same mistakes and around n around it goes. No thanks
Leaving messages at 2am is taking liberties, my sleep comes first! You can’t make clear decisions with lack of sleep.
So glad you’re putting yourself first Empath, you’ll thank yourself later
Hopefully your dear friend will come to his senses soon
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Good for you, you will truly thank yourself later
Take care lovely
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
HG has offered previously (can’t remember the specific article) that you should state your case once and leave it at that. You have done that and can now let that be your respective out. If it comes up for discussion again, you can simply say that you have offered your take on the situation, that it remains unchanged (so there is no need to keep repeating it), and that any further action or inaction on their part is solely their decision.
Excellent words NA