Saying Nothing To Tell You Everything


The Silent Treatment. One of our most potent methods of manipulation. Whether it is a present silent treatment where we talk to everyone else around you but not you or whether it is an absent silent treatment where we disappear and cannot be found or contacted, we know that this is highly effective.

It does not matter if the silence lasts for ten minutes or ten days the impact on you is considerable and your reaction is always the same. That is, of course, the main reason that we do it. You will repeatedly ask us what is wrong as you fail to understand what it is that we are doing. You will hang around us, if that is possible, asking the same questions over and over again.

“What is wrong, please tell me?”

“What is the matter, I wish you would tell me?”

“What is it? Why aren’t you speaking to me?”

Your concern mutates into frustration and anxiety and even occasionally anger. All of these states suit us as we drink the fuel you are providing to us. If we absented ourselves then we will face a slew of text messages, e-mails and voicemail messages as you keep ringing every five minutes trying to establish contact with us.

After a time the nature of the questioning changes as you shift from asking us what is wrong to hauling yourself over the coals. It is all so predictable. You ask yourself what is it that you could have done which has caused us such offence that we are no longer speaking to you. You analyse everything you have said and done over the last hour, the last five hours, the last day.

Did you insult us in some way and not realise? Surely it was not that comment about our tie, that was a joke. Was that the catalyst for this silence? Did you fail to kiss us on our arrival home? You cannot remember but these days you often find that is the case since the days all seem to merge into one as you pad around trying not to tread on those eggshells. If only the tiredness would lift. You might be able to think straight then and be able to ascertain what is going on.

You keep providing us with different suggestions and scenarios as to what has happened. You grope around, utterly unsure as to what it was that proved to be the trigger. You issue apologies and it gets to the point that you do not even know what you are apologising for but that does not matter does it? All you want is for this horrible silence, the aching absence to end. It has happened before and then it ended as arbitrarily as it arrived.

You cling on to the hope that it will end as it did last time but then there is that gnawing doubt which keeps manifesting in your mind. What if it won’t end? What if this is it and we have gone for good? Surely not and for what reason? The doubt is horrible and you feel a rising sense of panic which causes you to redouble your efforts to find us and offer yourself up in sacrifice in order to get us to come back.

Time after time we do this to our victims but they do not realise what our silence really means. They are trapped by fear, paralysed by indecision and this is naturally how we like it. This confusion and inability to really see what is going on serves our purpose.

What is our silence really telling you? It is telling you how we enjoy to play fast and loose with your feelings. It is telling you that we do not care about you. You mean nothing to us other than the fuel you provide.

We are reminding you of how inferior you are to us. You are nothing more than an appliance which we can switch on and off, pick up and put down at our convenience. We are trumpeting our lack of respect for you and your identity. We are heralding our flagrant disregard for your well-being. We are telegraphing our disdain for our supposed responsibilities.

We are reinforcing that you do not matter. Instead, you seek to eradicate the silence, you plan and arrange to do anything which you hope will dispel the absence of communication. Too caught up in trying to remove the unpleasant sensations that wrap around you, you fail to see the clear message that we convey to you each time we behave in this manner.

We are behaving as we did when we were told we could not have another biscuit and we sat sulking until our worn-down parent gave in. Most people grow out of such conduct but not us. We saw the power it would wield over certain people (others of course would never countenance it and we knew never to show it to them or suffer the consequences) but everyone else would flock around us, flapping and attending to us and we realised just how we could wrap people around our little fingers so they gave us what we wanted.

It was not the extra lollipop or permission to play out for an extra hour.

It was attention and attention laced with emotion. Fuel.

We may not have realised it then but we took this childish response and turned it into a weapon which causes you fear and frustration every time we unleash it.

If only you could understand what we are really doing, then you would understand just how much we are truly telling you by saying absolutely nothing.

13 thoughts on “Saying Nothing To Tell You Everything

  1. Joa says:

    I forgot write. Comparison to a child sulking after refusing a biscuit – wonderful πŸ™‚
    This thought will surely help me to smile in understanding during the “armed attacks” that he conducts periodically.

  2. Joa says:

    Once one of the most damaging techniques. “I was dying” from that.

    Today, pain and anger subside quickly. I can use the silence he imposes against him. He has to break the imposed manipulations with his own hands, sometimes inventing awesome stories.

    The satisfaction that comes from it soothes the pain.

    I use the silence to recharge my batteries and rest. Redefining my main goal in my relationship with him (it can sometimes lead me astray).

    He would have done more damage if he hadn’t kept silence … But that’s one of his favorite methods. Luckily.

  3. Empath007 says:

    If applied correctly – your kind becomes wounded from a silent treatment as well, correct ?

    So no one likes silence. It’s now my favourite weapon… I can understand why narcissists enjoy having their secrets and don’t feel like they need to share their experiences/thoughts/feelings with anyone…. it makes someone feel good to have a secret.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, however you should not repeatedly engage in a PST because ultimately you will be giving us some fuel even though you are not saying anything. If you are ignoring the narcissist from distance, that is more effective. Even better is not even knowing that the narcissist is trying to contact you and fails because you have a Total No Contact Regimen.

      1. Empath007 says:

        That makes sense. If a narcissit feels wounded by silence are they likely to lash out against the person ? Ie – go around smearing them. Or would that depend on the circumstance?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Silence is a threat to control. The narcissist will respond through the three assertions of control.

          1. Empath007 says:

            Thank you. Much appreciated.

          2. A Victor says:

            Hi Empath007, I once didn’t speak to my dad for an entire year, I was married with children so didn’t see him often, but when I finally spoke to him, he said he’d never even noticed it. I was in torture the entire time but knew speaking to him would have results such as this, which only hurt me more. It was an exercise in futility.

      2. Joa says:

        Excellent! In my case, it is about keeping the minimum amount of fuel almost all the time. Increasing as a reward.
        I do not apply punishments, in fact he punishes himself – I only do his will in this regard. Nothing else.

        For now, it works fine for my goal.
        Some of its goals are also fulfilled.

        I have attacks in … Sometimes something touches me, but mostly I just smile.

        He is very irritated by the lack of control over the money given to me for my baby. I have the impression that each payment causes him exorbitant pain πŸ™‚ He came up with a brilliant thing, which he is trying to force me to do, so that despite the payments, I would not be able to use these funds. Only a narcissist could come up with such an idea – for the sake of the child πŸ™‚

  4. Cathy says:

    This really angers me, knowing I have allowed this .

  5. A Victor says:

    This was my dad’s favorite manipulation. It was horrible. He did it a lot.

    1. Sandra Martin says:

      My father did it too, mostly to my mom but also to almost every one of his family members. However, he was verbose and charming to waitresses, neighbors, and anyone else he could charm outside the home, and often performed this charm in front of his victims. He showed up at my mother’s funeral smiling and shaking hands like his day had finally come at a family reunion.

      1. A Victor says:

        Yes, my dad was the same! Except for the funeral part because he died first. But yes, it affected all of us and it was especially in our face when he was pleasant elsewhere, very hurtful.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article