I See Sanctuary


When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them.

You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me.

The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror.

Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay.

Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me.

Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity.

The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way.

There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you?

Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

6 thoughts on “I See Sanctuary

  1. Joa says:

    Sad. You can’t be at 100% speed all the time.

    Even from happiness you need to rest for a while.

    Distance. Contrasts. Everything is needed. But not with all my might …

  2. Cathy says:

    How frightening

  3. Kitty says:

    What is it about facing death that some Narcs want to change? Like this homeless forest hermit to Ph.D. ? What makes your kind so afraid of death?

    Here’s a Ted Talk


    How come aware Narcs like yourself can’t understand that if they don’t attempt to fix what’s broken it inevitably leads to their own demise in one way shape or form- sooner or later? If it isn’t some sort of repercussion from actions it will manifest into health issues both physically & mentally. It’s a given it always ends up as a societal issue.

    Narcissism is at its crossroads were its going to get demoted on the hierarchical totem. It will either be phased out or it will end up phasing everyone else out ….. again… and probably again….. until AI is smart enough to realize something needs to be done about it. It’s served its purpose throughout history but it’s now time for evolution to also serve its purpose.

    There are certainly ways to alter the brain if you truly want to have the absolute power and control. You would be amazed at what you would be capable of if you gave it a chance. Why would you want to leave the control ultimately in someone else’s hands? Then you could call yourself the Ultimate Narcissist not just the Ultra. Do you really want to have your legacy to be remembered?

    On a side note, I don’t expect you to consent to this but I figured it doesn’t hurt to ask. Would it be OK to use clips of your content to compile together with other news/world events, celebrity gossip, or movie clips to help educate more people?

    I just think your perspective would be useful because it’s coming straight from the horses ass. J/k …. but not really 🙂 Also, I’m not really interested in attempting such task unless I can find a route that is effective, does not consume me or monopolize all my time. So if it’s an idea that interests you be my guest if your not keen on allowing re-use of your content. I feel the need that someone needs to do it and my heart isn’t set for that person to be me.

  4. Cathy says:

    Is this your truth or is this just your illusion?

    1. A Victor says:

      Hi Cathy, I think in their perception, from their perspective, it is their truth, until the person in question is painted black/enters devaluation.

      From our perspective of course, we recognize it as an illusion, no one can be perfect or be everything for another, it’s impossible.

      I sometimes wonder, if they could somehow edge back from the black and white thinking just a bit, if they could keep these extremes from happening, then they could achieve a lasting relationship. But, they don’t care about lasting relationships, and their narcissism will not allow it as doing so would interfere with their effectiveness and/or cause other problems for them.

  5. Fiddleress says:

    ‘Icy’ sanctuary.

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