10 Spoken Narc Grenades
1. You never….
The precursor to a criticism of how you do not do something for me. It is a twin explosive assault against you because not only do I tell you that you are failing me by not doing something for me I also choose something that you actually do carry out. By suggesting that you no longer do a particular act or say a certain thing, when you actually do so, I intend to leave you speechless with exasperation and confused as to just how I can say such a thing. You will be stunned by such a blatant contradiction and this will result in your emotional response coming to the fore, rather than a reasoned one. All the better fuel for us.
2. You always….
The flipside of the above and likely to be tossed in your direction not long after the above narc grenade. The allegation of “you always” will be followed by some put-down and criticism highlighting a behavioural trait of yours which we deem unsatisfactory. Once again we will actually highlight something that you do not do in order to perplex you. You will defend yourself against this scandalous accusation and once again erupt in an emotional manner.
3. I’m sick of you controlling me.
Thrown at you in order to project our own rampant control of you. This is also used to deflect any criticism of us when you chastise us for our behaviour. Any attempt from you to point out the error of our ways or even to try to help us in some way will be met with this response. We do believe that you are trying to control us, by trying to break our own control of you and we cannot allow this to happen. It is through our control that we gain what we want from you and therefore any threat to this must be met with something that will knock you off balance. Accusing you of the very thing that we are doing will cause such astonishment and consternation that our aim is fulfilled.
4. My ex wouldn’t do this
A narc grenade of triangulation and who better to do it with than your predecessor. By implying that your predecessor has some form of superiority to you, after all the smearing of her name we did when we first ensnared you, not only will you be taken aback by this sudden volte face, you will also be mightily offended at being compared to someone who we hate so viciously. Drawing you down to her apparent level always brings forth a reaction from you.
5. My ex would do it
Another flipside whereby we are seeking to coerce you to do something for us, something which you are evidently reluctant to do. You have reservations and no doubt with good reason, but that does not matter to us. You are our extension and therefore you ought to be complying with our wishes without hesitation or refusal. By triangulating you again with she who went before you we are threatening that you are inferior to her and raising the prospect that you will be soon dispensed with if you do not do what we want.
6. I love you but I don’t like you right now
This carefully crafted narc grenade will shatter you as it appears as a compliment before ripping your heart out as you struggle to comprehend what we have just said.Surely if we love you, then we must also like you? What do we mean by saying this? It creates confusion and will have you trying to persuade us to both love and like you. What we mean when we lob this grenade towards you is “You say you love me but you will not do what I want.”
7. If you loved me….
We know that you are a love devotee. A passionate supporter and believer in the concept of love and we use this as grenade to bring about compliance. We know that you take pride in your integrity and decency and therefore you have standards to always uphold. By suggesting that your failure to act in the manner we want or that your disagreeing with us is somehow representative of you loving us less, we are challenging what you stand for. This will always force you to react by stating your case, reacting in an emotional fashion and ultimately doing what we want, in order to prove that you do indeed love us.
8. You are over reacting
A favourite to make you react even more. You take matters seriously and there are many things that we shall do which will cause you to respond in a serious and concerned fashion. By using this grenade, we belittle you and cause the issue to be about your reaction rather than what we have actually done.It acts as a brilliant way to deflect discussion and dissection of our behaviour and instead causes you to try to prove that you are not over-reacting, which will invariably actually heighten your response.
9 I can’t deal with this right now
Our grenade that is thrown in order to provide us with an escape route from any crisis or situation that requires us to be either accountable or supportive. We do neither and we want to keep it this way. We will invent some other reason which means that we have to depart or that you have to deal with this situation as we hurl the grenade, leaving you to catch it and deal with the subsequent explosion as we walk away, free from involvement, responsibility and culpability.
10 I don’t remember
The blast from this grenade is used to eradicate the problem that you are facing us with. Whether it is an accusation that we have failed to do something or evidence of misbehaviour, this grenade is a failsafe way of enabling us to escape the problem. Often it will be used even when it is blatantly clear that we can remember, making your flabbergasted reaction all the more satisfying. There may be irrefutable evidence that we know and can remember but this never stops us from hurling this grenade at you and making good our escape from your attempt to blame us.
3 thoughts on “10 Spoken Narc Grenades”
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All of these bring back some memories. No. 10 in particular. His ‘selective memory’ to suit himself was something to behold. But when I copped onto this, well two can play at that game. As we were coming to the end of the relationship, I was unaware of what he is, he would tell me of things that he expected me to turn up at with him, dolled up to the nines and play the dutiful loving partner. Well, I did that.
Basically, during devaluation, I started to behave as he had done to me and how he had acted at a few of my very important events. I either forgot completely about these events and did not turn up, or turned up looking bored and irritated or on one very memorable occasion his very important work do, a formal event, he sent a car to pick me up from the house to make sure I would turn up, this must have been a couple to weeks before we broke up and having been dealing with the ‘mask slip’ for quite a while, but not knowing why he was doing it, I purposefully turned up at that event all dolled up in his words like an F.N. Tart. He was apoplectic. His eyes were out on stalks when he saw me walk into the event. As a formal event it was Black Tie and Ballgowns. I arrived wearing thigh high black leather boots, red pvc dress with cut out sides and very low cut cleavage. MY usual attire would not be that and is completely miles away from that, (aside from role play in the bedroom), but I walked in all nonchalant. He, after his initial shock and full on fury, which I duly ignored, completely ignored me the whole night. It didn’t bother me. I made sure to introduce myself to all the important people at the event while watching his reaction. I even had a dance with his boss on the dance floor, who I have to say was a lovely man. My reason for my attire explained to his boss and everyone else that my Ex had told me it was a Tarts and Vicars fancy dress party, but hadn’t I unfortunately got the days mixed up. The Tarts and Vicars party wasn’t for another week. Everyone was so lovely when I explained that.
I had three days of silent treatment, slamming doors and banging anything and everything in sight. When he did finally talk to me, he told me that he had to explain to everyone he worked with that I had a problem with pills and booze and he was doing everything he could to help me out but it was getting to be too much. He demanded an apology and wanted an answer as to why I had acted so disrespectfully to him. I explained with great sincerity that I genuinely got the days mixed up. How can he be so angry with me for that.
About a week later we broke up when he arrived to the house with his new IPPS in tow. I had cooked dinner and he asked me to set a plate for her. I saw the look of self satisfaction on him. This was his way of getting back at me. I told him that dinner was in the oven and they were both welcome to it. I walked upstairs packed a bag and left.
I wasn’t upset and I wasn’t angry. To me, when the devaluation began, the relationship was effectively over. I just had to say the same thing to myself.
I returned the next day when he was at work and collected the rest of my belongings and well, for good measure, I couldn’t let the fact that he had cheapened what we had had together, by bringing a new woman into the house and parading her in front of me. So I re-tailored his suits by removing an arm or a leg, or both, his underwear by removing the crotch and backside, his jumpers and shirts by removing an arm or chest or back, his t-shirts by halving them, pretty much everything he owned was re-done and put back neatly in the wardrobe. I am not a narc but having a narc twin who found out what he had done, she was very insistent that he not get away with treating her sister like that. I think that is pretty much the only thing we really agreed on.
He duly telephoned me threatening all sorts and was going to be reporting me to this one, and that one, and the newspapers were going to hear about this and he was going to sue me for the thousands of pounds worth of clothes that I had destroyed. I had to remind him that as someone who had (in his eloquent words) a horrendous addiction to pills and booze, I didn’t know what he was on about. How could he accuse me of such things. I would never do anything like that. Well, he completely blew his top with that, told me that I was the biggest bitch he had ever met and told me where to get off. He never reported me to anyone. He has tried to hoover me on a number of occasions, the most memorable was when the NC was obviously getting to much that he turned up and waited by my car, while I was out for a run in the park and returned to find him standing there with a cricket bat. He then followed my car through central London until I managed to leave him at a set of traffic lights.
When you become aware GOSO and NC.
Duchessbea,
Good for you. I hope everything is going well for you and you continue to be narc free. Just wanted to let you know that you provided a bright spot in my day as I was enjoying my morning coffee. Lol. And that is not just a polite Lol. I truly did find myself laughing out loud with amusement, and that hasn’t happened much lately. I am post escape for nearly a month now, and my ex-narc is relentless with the hoovering. Although, these days everything has remained peaceful and quiet since he has been served with temporary restraining orders until the upcoming court date. Thank you for sharing.
Gypsy Heart,
I’m doing great. Thank you. I’m sorry to hear you haven’t been doing to good lately, but I’m very glad I was able to help you laugh again. As the old saying goes, laughter is the best medicine. I’m sorry you have been dealing with relentless hoovering. Continue to stay NC and no matter what don’t break it. If you have to communicate make sure it is all in writing or email or through your legal firm. If I can give you a little tip, you mentioned that you are up in court soon. I would recommend reading all of HG’s work on everything to do with dealing with a narc in court. Trust me, the person you knew, to the person who will show up in court will be two vastly different people. Whatever he does or says, let him behave whatever way he wants, at all times make sure you remain, cool, calm and dignified. I hope it all goes very well for you.
Best,
DB