Forever Wrong Upon The Throne
It is late.
The time is somewhere between the witching hour and when the devil stalks the land yet the pull of slumber has yet to be felt. The darkness envelopes me with only the silver burnish of moonlight to pick out the objects around me and ensure they retain some familiarity.
It is cold but I do not object, content to sit with the window open and allow the night air to infiltrate my domain. The cold touch of the darkness soothes me and a calm has settled upon my person. I am sat, alone, yet I have no concerns, for the day has proved fruitful, as always, in my quest for fuel. Although not sated I am neither in desperate need nor bloated from my repeated extractions.
There is room for more, there is always room for more but I do not feel that driving need to acquire more. Instead the stillness and the calm engulf me as I sit here and look out from my elevated situation, through the wide open window and across the garden and the fields beyond.
My still alert eyes detect no movement of beast nor breeze. The trees still as if in silent salute. The birds that so often fly past are nested for the night and in the distance the intermittent hoot of an owl is a reminder that although I am sat alone there is still something out there. It is at times like this, when the freneticism has subsided, the hurly burly of the day’s cut and thrust has given way to this rare and unusual state that I remember.
My gaze remains steady as I look out across those undulating fields, fields so similar to the ones that we used to run through didn’t we? Where are you? Where are you now?
Why are you not sat beside me, king and queen like we used to when we planned our lives all that times ago? You must forgive me. I have not thought of you as often or as deeply as I ought to have done but I have been about other things.
I know you understand. I know you recognise that the demands made upon me would be beyond others and that I must attend to those demands. I know that you realise that to dwell too often would leave me weakened and that must not happen but moments such as these, when I find myself feeling freed of my burden then I am able to reach out to you, wherever you may be.
Although I do not often permit it, you remain etched into my memory and I know with the certainty that the world will not stop spinning, that you will always reside in my memory. Yet, I must confess, that is not enough. Should a moment or an instance bring to the surface an element of our past I am bound to push it away, cast it deep into the recesses of my mind and place it behind bolted door and fearsome gate.
There is not hope for me to do anything else, for to indulge in recollection at such times would distract me too greatly from my endeavours. I know I ought not to do it but I must do so. For such moments I am moved to seek your forgiveness from your benevolent self in the full knowledge that I am told that I deserve none.
It is now when I sit on this chair and besides yours, ‘our thrones’ as we once called them, that I am able to allow your memory to consume me. I reach out with my hand and expect that somehow I will feel your cool hand slide into mine just one more time yet there is nothing.
Just that absence that has remained constant no matter how hard I labour to fill it. We would sit side by side wouldn’t we and look out across those fields through which we ran to our secret places, those sanctuaries and idylls dotted throughout our kingdom?
We issued our declarations as one, formulated our ordinances of governance for the betterment of our subjects and did so with great gladness. Do I miss doing so together or have I just been conditioned to believe that I miss it?
Where are you? Why will you only show yourself as memory ? Why will you not come back to me ? You could do so, even if as a shade to haunt me as I sit amidst this encompassing darkness. Do you remain distant from me to punish , joining the legions of the traitorous? Have they turned you against me? Perhaps you do and I am told that such punishment is only right for one such as I.
I know myself for what I am and I seek to purge that which grips me each and every day through the frenzied application to my endeavours in the hope that they will allow me to be granted absolution and you will return. I swear, I swear by all that I am, I would accept these labours at a tenfold if only to see you once again, hear your voice and look upon you as you take my hand as you always did. We joined as one and we were better for it were we not? Come back to me? Return. Sit beside me once again and let us find that which we once had and should always have.
I sit in the darkness as I say these thoughts aloud, my low and steady voice seeming distant and disembodied. I pause and wait expecting you to answer but there is no response.
Come back to me because for all that I have done and for all that I am about to do, without you I will sit forever wrong upon the throne.
And I must be right.
18 thoughts on “Forever Wrong Upon The Throne”
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I feel like those who perceive this post as an admission of sincere loneliness and vulnerability have rather missed the point….
You would perceive correctly! Haha, and I was one of those, when I first arrived. Not anymore, thankfully! 😃
AV,
I’m one of them who still thinks too much in my ET. I’m learning.
Rebecca, I’m still learning too. It took me a long time and a lot of frustration to figure this particular article out. Haha, I, of course made it much more difficult than it had to be, lying in bed at night thinking about it!! And nothing keeps me awake! But, you hit on something, as my ET reduced, I was able to get it figured out, eventually. I wanted to understand it so badly, it’s so beautiful and tragic, it fed right into my romantic side. But it turns out, even in it’s beauty, it’s no different than the rest.
Thanks AV for making me feel better and not such a dumbass. Xoxo 🤗😁 I do that too, overthink things and drive myself up a wall. I usually do my best thinking while working out, it’s amazing I don’t run into things while I’m jogging. Lol
You’re giving her immortality, H.G. She will live forever through your legacy. You two will be forever upon the throne together.
Foreigner74
If you care to share, who do you see as the “she” and “her” you refer to in your comment?
Sorry for the delay. I didn’t receive the notification of your comment. I was referring to Sloane
HG,
I like this article, it’s very moving,but I have a question. I thought your kind didn’t miss us? Am I missing something here? Thanks.
We do not, but a narcissist in the moment may claim (or believe where an unaware narcissist) that they miss somebody in order to assert control over them.
But they would miss the fuel of an IPSS though? ParticulArly where they didn’t have an IPPS or if the IPPS is being devalued. Would that be correct?
HG,
Thanks for answering and I do have a bit of work to do with my ET. SMH This is how my heart gets me into trouble. I gotta think about my tiger, tigers don’t get lead by their heart, they think, they don’t feel. Be like tiger, I sound like a karate instructor. Lol Up! Down! Up! Down!
My favorite poem is by Robert Frost. “Tiger, tiger burning bright, in the forest of the night.”
Rebecca, laughing “karate instructor”.
Two worlds inside me. It’s so hard to connect.
Only sometimes they interlock like the cogs of a clock, creating a common mechanism for a moment.
Joa, powerful words in your comment. I liked your using the clock, cogs and mechanism analogy, it’s very well done. I can totally understand what you mean here. Eventually, the LT and ET will become more balanced and not ‘conflicting’ where you question yourself, who or what you are.
Asp Emp, if I were to illustrate it, both of these worlds whirl in me separately, at a safe distance. I stand in the center. I am like a judge, I choose and decide, which one to use at a given moment and in a given situation. I draw from one side and the other. Then I act in harmony with myself, stable and confidently.
I know it must be so. However, there is a constant longing in me, to connect these worlds.
Narcissus has a key with a magnet, that allows both worlds to approach each other. The closer I let him come to me, the more he turns the key, the closer my worlds are to each other. Initially, they work like a perfect mechanism. They interlock wonderfully, the edges fit together. But when they are too close, they start to spin faster. Getting faster and faster. There is no longer a perfect coupling, listen to the dull thud of edges, that fit less and less together. Sparks start flying. The mechanism becomes turbulent. Small parts of the shields are chipping.
I stood safely between the worlds. Now I close my eyes to prevent sparks and micro filings from getting into them. I bow my head to avoid being hit by metal shields, spinning at dizzying speed and springing back in all directions. I bow lower and lower. I am no longer a judge. I can’t even reach out to draw from these worlds, emptiness. I only see, that in my place as judge, there is a narcissist. I can see, how he conducts the baton over my connected worlds and drives them, fast and fast.
The only solution is to kick out the mad conductor and throw away the magnet key him left behind. Then I carefully get off my knees, calm the spinning too quickly mechanism, and separate the two worlds again.
This is how I feel it.
I’m looking for an automatic pilot, to rest…
Joa, you do understand it very well, you write very well too – from a lateral view. I liked how you described it, it’s a different way of depicting the emotional / mental anguish and the fighting spirit of a warrior during and the aftermath of such a battle. You will find that ‘automatic pilot’ and you will know when you reach that point. It is well worth the ‘battle’, especially when you have the resources within yourself to win. Thank you for your lateral perspective, it was good to read 🙂
Asp Emp and Joa,
Mine is like two wolves inside me,one good, one bad. I decide who does what and when, but when my life gets chaotic, like when my recent narc was in my life, the wolves fight and pull each other’s fur out, neither wins,both are damaged. To stop the fighting, I have to calm down and take control again.