The Ageing Narcissist : Part One



I am often asked about the effects of the advancement of time on our kind. I have written about how this affected one of my uncles, Robert and how I have laid plans to explain how his fate will not befall me. What, though, of how the advancement of time and aging impacts on our kind more generally? The standard question that is asked is whether a narcissist will get better or worse with age. As you might expect, it is not as straight forward as that as it will depend on the cadre of narcissist and the relevant school.

The Victim Cadre

All of our kind see ourselves as victims and will make use of emotional blackmail, pity plays and drives for sympathy as part of the narcissistic arsenal to further our aims, but one cadre of narcissist takes it to an extreme and relies on sympathy, pity and being cared for more often and more intensely and thus amounts to being a Victim Narcissist.

The Lesser Victim

Age will give the LVN more to complain about, more to point to and more to seek sympathy for. Used to already drawing his fuel primarily through the application of concern, sympathy and caring, he can look forward to getting more of this as time advances. As his illnesses become worse, his flesh weakens and his conditions become all the more debilitating he will rely heavily on gaining his fuel from his primary source who is likely to be his primary carer. Lacking the ability to seek fuel from fraternising with new sources, the LVN will look to have his fuel levels maintained by the primary source and a small group of family and friends.

He will be something of a curmudgeon, always complaining about his aches and pains in order to draw that fuel and will be seen as a burden. Lacking control, he will often erupt when he feels he is not being cared for and his physical pains become too great for him. He will have chosen most likely a Carrier Empath to shoulder this burden but if the primary source should ever escape, although this is less likely as the relevant primary source will have been selected for his or her quality caring and domestic attributes, he is likely to be moved to a care home where a succession of carers will be shunted between primary – non intimate – sources and secondary sources.

The LVN in advanced age will struggle to find a replacement intimate partner primary source if he or she is lost. This is because the LVN relies on solely his need to be mothered and looked after as his ‘selling point’. His own parents will be dead and therefore they cannot be promoted to primary source and he will lack the mobility and cognitive function to seduce a new intimate partner primary source. He can do this when younger, when his conditions are not as extensive and he finds that especially caring individual but when he is much older, he does not have this option. He has neither charm, money or intellect to draw a younger appliance to him and therefore the LVN runs the risk of losing the long-standing primary source through his rants and tantrums.

He will find himself trying to rely on family members, possibly brother, sisters or children, as secondary sources but none will be willing to adopt the mantle of primary source as they will have their own lives to lead and unless the LVN can sustain fuel from these secondary sources along with professional carers also as secondary sources, he faces a diminution in fuel which will add a further weakness to the physical and mental ones which have already amassed. Decrepitude is inevitable.

The aged LVN becomes even more unappealing with age. Furious at his limitations, unable to control that fury, but weakened from fuel losses, his is an unpleasant dotage. He will lash out at those who care for him, running the risk of isolating them and becoming the author of his own misfortune as he is visited less and less by a reducing pool of friends and family. If able to secure professional care, he will be regarded as a cantankerous and unpleasant charge for those caring for him who only do so out of a sense of professional obligation and therefore the fuel provided by these professional caregivers will be limited. He will invariably lack mobility and even access to technology is unlikely to assist through reduced cognitive function, diminished hearing and eyesight.

He will also have led a life which has been poor in terms of health and hygiene. He may well have issues with drink and will turn to this in particular as he slowly drinks himself to death, using it as a crutch against the cruelty of the world leaving him in this manner. He will sink into a routine of demanding his fix of drink or tobacco, caring not for the deleterious impact it will have, but rather needing the short-term boost it provides him with, oblivious to the downward spiral he has embarked on.

A combination of poor lifestyle choices, pre-existing health problems and the potential loss of a primary source caregiver, with other sources remaining away owing to the unpleasant, nasty and malodorous nature of the LVN means that they are more likely to face death in their 50s and 60s.

The LVN, unable to control his beast, will frighten away those but the most hardy and thus he runs a considerable risk of descending into decrepitude, alone, furious and unloved as his already shortened days come to an ignominious end.

The Mid-Range Victim

The MRVN follows a similar path to that of the LVN. Age will not be kind to him, increasing his discomfort, exacerbating his pain and making him rail against the unfairness of his situation. Whereas the LVN becomes the architect of his isolation by his inability to keep his fury under control at those around him, the MRVN has an increased cognitive function which he or she will put to better use.

The MRVN will retain some degree of charm, though nowhere near the standard of the greater, but he will be able to amuse and draw people to him, politely seeking their assistance with lowering him into the bath or rubbing lotions into his aching limbs. He does not like this reliance but has enough awareness to realise that he needs the assistance of others and he also has sufficient control over his fury to avoid lashing out in a fit of temper against those he needs to care for him

The MRVN stands a better chance of holding on to his primary source and also recognises that this person not only cares for him and thus provides fuel, but will provide a host of residual benefits and accordingly his machinations will mellow as he ages. He has enough acumen to recognise that having someone cook, clean and care for him as he ages is a useful trade-off for sticking with the same person. The likelihood of infidelity will diminish considerably from an already low point since Victim Narcissists have little interest in sex but rather use their general incompetence or impotence in that arena to garner the sympathy that fuels them. They have no need to be applauded for being a sexual Olympian when they can roll out a pity play for the inability to perform and blame it on some long-standing imagined fear.

As the MRVN ages there will be a lessening of the drama that once existed and with decreased energy levels he can no longer sustain the playing off of people against one another and instead focuses on just receiving their emotional attention and being cared for. He will use his moderate degree of charm to ask people to come and see him, pretending to take an interest in what the grandchildren are doing or how his favourite nephew is getting on with his new job. He will place a sprinkling of sugar in order to get those secondary sources to pay heed to him. The MRVN will make particular use of familial secondary sources during his dotage and indeed the primary source can witness a lessening of their burden as a ‘reward’ for sticking with the MRVN. If these mild charm offensives do not work however, what you will notice is that what fury is ignited will manifest as emotional blackmail and sulking as the MRVN coerces secondary sources into caring for him and visiting to provide fuel.

‘I am your father, not that it seems to matter to you, you haven’t visited me in two weeks.’

‘I will just sit here on my own shall I while you gad about, you selfish so and so.’

‘Old Bill gets plenty of visitors so I am left wondering where mine are.’

The family and friends of the MRVN can expect such spikey comments to be made in telephone calls and messages for the purposes of emotionally blackmailing those sources into providing fuel.

The MRVN will ensure he is well-cared for with a motivated primary source and plenty of secondary sources, galvanised through the carrot of mild charm or the stick of emotional blackmail. He is unlikely to struggle for fuel and recognises the considerable advantages of keeping onside the primary and secondary sources for the residual benefits. He is not as short-sighted, either literally or figuratively, as the LVN. For the most part, his demeanour will improve, save for occasional sulks and silent treatments, but these will not be as prolific as when he was younger. His old age will be comfortable for him as he is content to settle into the routine of being cared for and given a reasonable level of fuel , able to recognise his limitations and control his fury, for the most part. Those around him will find the occasional period of self-centred sulking and demands for assistance, but will most likely find him to be less arduous that he was when was younger.

The MRVN will have taken a reasonably sensible course through life and notwithstanding his ailments and physical shortcomings, he will have sufficient charm and economic power to ensure that the autumn of his life is relatively comfortable, if restricted. He will confine himself to his ‘tower’ and expect others to attend on him.

The Greater Victim

This combination of cadre and school does not exist.

Part Two will address the Somatic cadre and the relevant schools applicable to that type of narcissist.

17 thoughts on “The Ageing Narcissist : Part One

  1. Anna says:

    The worst is if they get dementia or Alzheimers. It really does effect people so badly. They become even more vindictive and cruel.

    Asp Emp is right. Not all old people are bitter. I have met some very sweet kind old folk. It really depends on the person.

  2. In so many words says:

    I wonder if someone who is narcissistic, but not narcissist, can behave like a lesser victim narcissist in advanced age, especially when memory issues start to set in. I did not think my mother is narcissist, but she was self-centered and had strong narcissistic traits. But she did not engage in devaluing behavior or verbal attacks in the past, and did not try to control me or others, which is why I thought she was not a narcissist. She engages in those behaviors now. Now in her mid 80s, she acts like a lesser victim narcissist. She devalues and verbally attacks me and her caregivers; them even more them than me, because she wants me to visit. She interrupts and tries to control every conversation she hears, and believes that everything said has to do with her. She alternates between rages, emotional blackmail and many pity plays with sulks, with an occasional story where she did something important in the past thrown in (most with elements of truth). She wants what she wants now and nothing else matters. I started to wonder whether I read her wrong all along. Her parents died long before I was born, but she was certainly subjected to lack to control environment from age 2 to age 10 just by being in a certain place and time (first Stalin’s purges got her father and nearly got her mother, then Hitler invaded and she barely survived).

    1. Joa says:

      It is similar for me. I don’t know, if my mother is a Narcissist or a co-dependent.

      Control, lies and self-centeredness have always been present. Once, she was terrorize us her dedication and love. She tied us with excessive protection and scaring the world outside.

      It gets worse with age. We saw each other three weeks ago. When I declined to meet last weekend, she used the following behaviors:

      – persuasion – I baked your favorite currant cake (What? It’s she likes this cake).

      – longing notes – I didn’t see my granddaughter for so long…

      – pity – everything hurts me, I can’t walk, I’m on strong pills (she’s been dying for at least 25 years + several “fatal” actions involving medics).

      – guilty – we are family and we should see each other more often.

      – guilty + public opinion – I always tell everyone, that I have such caring daughters, but it’s not true…

      – guilty – I’m getting older (67 years), what kind of a daughter you are, who is not interested in your own mother…

      – guilty + threat – you give your daughter a beautiful model, you will see, in 20 years she will treat you the same.

      – guilty + scaring – I’m already infirm, soon I won’t be able to drive a car, but nobody understands it. I won’t even go shopping in a moment.

      – guilty – despite the pain, I was glad you would come.

      – threat – just as you underestimate me, I will start to neglect you.

      – summary – I can’t count on you, you are cruel.

      It was one message after another.

      Then, she decided to send me my sister, who visited her that day with her husband and children. She scared her, that something was wrong with me, so my sister tried to get it out of me.


      Jesus, I’ve had a very hard week at work. For the last three days of the week, I worked 15 hours a day + emotional up and down driving. I just wanted to chill at home this Saturday… I said it clearly at the very beginning.


      At the end of the day, she sent me a picture of a rose bush with the caption: “Only this beautiful blooming rose from you, reminds me, that I have a daughter and that I have a granddaughter, who helped me plant this bush.”

      This is what it looks for me. Only one day 🙂

  3. Sweetest Perfection says:

    I didn’t meant grim but smirk. Sorry about that! My dad had an obvious smirk. It made me realized I lost. He got my fuel, damn it.

  4. Sweetest Perfection says:

    HG, I was wondering -while I was also fantasizing about throwing my dinner plate at my dad- is it possible that some aging narcs only want negative fuel? My dad seems to only react when he makes people mad or uncomfortable. I saw a grim in his face as I told him today he was a horrible person (I know I shouldn’t have reacted but I suffer for my mom). I don’t see he enjoys anything positive anymore.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is more likely the case that the narcissist views people as black and therefore any positive response is sneered at (seen through the lens of black) and then the narcissist remains seeing the individual as black, devalues you, receives negative fuel which of course is more potent and therefore more welcome.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Thank you, HG. My dad sees everything black then. Is it possible then that, as the narc ages, black vision takes prevalence over seeing people under a white lens, similarly to old people whose character gets more bitter as they age?

        1. Asp Emp says:

          SP, I would suggest that it rather depends on the circumstances where the narcissist finds themselves in ie environment / people around at that moment? Not all elderly people become bitter (taking narcissism out of the equation).

          1. NarcAngel says:

            I don’t know that older people are necessarily bitter. More that in the time they have left they have much less tolerance for what they consider bullshit, care less about acceptance, and therefore express it more readily. That’s like generalizing younger people as snowflakes.

          2. Asp Emp says:

            I know for a fact that not all elderly people are ‘bitter’. Some may be as you have described in your comment. I know what I will be like when I reach that stage in my life because I perceive my past differently, thanks to what I have learned via KTN.

          3. Sweetest Perfection says:

            “similarly to old people whose character gets more bitter as they age?” is ambiguous and I agree it could be read both as “similarly to those old people whose character” which was my original intention or, as you interpreted it, as “similarly to all old people, whose character…” I know not all people get bitter as not all narcs see everyone in a black lens as they age. I was comparing my dad’s behavior to the people who get more bitter with age.

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Actually, from a syntactic point of view, I was right. My adjective clause was restrictive not explanatory, therefore it was not separated by commas. If I had added a comma, “similar to old people, whose character gets bitter…” I would be implying all old people do get bitter. Because I didn’t, the sentence is meant to say similar to old people who are affected by that, not all of them but only those. Sorry guys, professional deviation.

          5. njfilly says:

            Speaking for myself, I can feel my resentment regarding my parents and my childhood fading. Finally and thankfully. I will not be a bitter old person.

            I can also feel myself taking on more of the mindset NA describes, which I always had to some degree. I am becoming less angry and more confident.

          6. Asp Emp says:

            njfilly, sorry for not responding sooner (had not seen it until now 🙂 ). It is good to read what you say here. Thank you for sharing 🙂

        2. njfilly says:

          That is my father exactly.

          Angry, bitter, old, mean, lonely, and in failing health. He has contempt for everybody and everything. Resentful about life, and everything that happened to him. I never want to be that way.

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I won’t be a bitter old woman either, mostly because I don’t think I’m gonna last that long. Although you never know, my grandma died at 100 -and two weeks- and everyone says we are very alike. She was the real Sweetest Perfection. I’ve never met a better human being.

  5. Sweetest Perfection says:

    Ahh, I was JUST thinking about this article!!!!!!!!! Creepy.

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