I See Sanctuary

I SEE SANCTUARY

When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them.

You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me.

The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror.

Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay.

Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me.

Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity.

The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way.

There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you?

Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

6 thoughts on “I See Sanctuary

  1. Heidi says:

    Related to this I love two songs of the band ASP
    A prayer for sanctuary:
    https://youtu.be/zNtHrdul_-4
    Me:
    https://youtu.be/9hq6f5lRB1E

  2. StrongerWendy says:

    Was this one written from your personal perspective or is it one of the ones where you are showing the perspective of other narcissists?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I will let you work that out.

  3. Jordyguin says:

    .. .. That person don’t exist — love don’t exist.

    Love is a concept, not a feeling (feelings are the product of the five senses – organs – and are free of concepts). Unconditional love is a further concept of „giving a blank cheque“ to a person. Meaning – no matter what a person did or will do – i will not put the person through a judgment of preoccupations of „you do it because you are flawed, or an evil creature by design“.

    Danger in that mindset there is for an addict, unexperienced or a child and should be kept at a distance from them. I agree.

    For all of those who throw their „unconditional love“ left and right; How easy it must be for you to give that blank cheque, that concept of unconditional love to someone who is nice and perfect and never do any mistakes, not threatening your instincts of survival – is a saint or a child who is a puppy and not harming anyone. Easy! There you go – that cheque is yours! Signed.

    How hard is it though to give that blank cheque to someone who is the opposite of a saint, isn’t it?

    Who is to say who is worthy of it or not?

    For sure the degree of „he/she will never change“ should be recognized and why bother about someone who is able to turn you into the living-dead and make your life a hell. Free yourself if you can. You never signed a contract to be their punching bag.

    However when people speak of love or unconditional love, do they really realize what it is? And how free of addiction or justification and good vs bad concepts it logically should be.

    I would think whatever have created us, gave us that blank cheque. There is no preference of one or another kind. There is a spectrum of what is possible and an option to find that out. An infinite chance, because life never dies actually, as decomposing and composing processes run this experience we call life. Organic life.

    Are we capable of or should we even give a blank cheque to ourselves?

    (A theory, of course)

  4. Tom says:

    It is exhausting bumping into the wrong people all the time…I agree..a waste of time and energy.. that’s why I’m not a bed hopper and that’s why Charles never let go of Camilla despite the whole world being against him…he found his sanctuary and sanity…. despite what narcs do and think a hareem of stupid, needy women isn’t the answer…if it was you wouldn’t need so many… it’s wonderful when you can build a lasting and trusting relationship with one person like our monarchs have done..that becomes your strength and stay …great writing at 2.30am..i’ve met a bigger workaholic than me .

  5. Joa says:

    Oh, reading this slowly, during the meal break, was as enjoyable and invigorating as taking a dip in the waves of a cool lake. The world stopped for 10 minutes and didn’t move a millimeter, even though everything on the outside squeaked and burst at the seams.

    Wonderful feeling. Thank you.

    And now, with satisfaction, I am come back in the middle of this crazy whirlwind that I hate and love so much.

    Today I am like a statue of liberty, ha ha ha 🙂

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