I See Sanctuary
When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them.
You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me.
The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror.
Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay.
Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.
Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me.
Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity.
The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.
I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way.
There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you?
Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.
15 thoughts on “I See Sanctuary”
The LMRSOMATIC from last year, I can see what he was doing, at the beginning of the dance with me. I thought it was a nice change, he looked me in the eyes, like I look in the eyes of the people I interact with. He was the first person I met, who stared back at me and kept my gaze. I thought it was special, nice, refreshing for someone to be as observant as me, when it came to holding one’s gaze. I do it to read the person, get a sense about them, see if they’re listening, what their mood is, if they’re open to a conversation or if they’re going to get mean. I gage this by maintaining eye contact, while I talk with them. I learned this as a child, while interacting with my narcissist mother..I had thought the LMRSOMATIC was doing the same, but when he looked into my eyes, he was judging the brightness of my eyes, the smile there, the welcome, the concern, the warmth and later is what my love, my concern for him, my returned laughter, my joy at seeing him….it was all in my eyes, the eyes he held the attention of, held his gaze with….he wasn’t gaging me, he was getting fuel from the love in my eyes, the happiness there, the happiness upon seeing him, talking with him….I see what he was doing and when he caused pain in my eyes, he drank from that too. He played the tortured soul well, I fell for his pain, felt his pain, tried to heal and stop his pain…oh, how I tried, but in the end, it was my own pain I had to heal from, my own pain that he caused in me, my own pain I threw back to him in the form of a sharp tongue and justified words. Oh, how I wish I could say more to him.
If he were to look into my eyes now, he would see a determined light and I would stare back at him. But, this time there is no happy to see you. This time there is only, ‘What do you want? I know you, I see you and you’re not worth my time, nor do you have a place in my life. Get gone and don’t come back!
He had sanctuary with me. I would have kept trying to heal him and mend “his broken heart” I wouldn’t have succeeded , but I would have tried my best and beat myself up for it. His sanctuary wasn’t meant to be with me and I wasn’t meant to waste my time trying to heal his hurt.
I can let go and still live afterwards. I can let go and thrive again.
I think I now actually understand the lyrics of – She sells Sanctuary- by The Cult.
Related to this I love two songs of the band ASP
A prayer for sanctuary:
Was this one written from your personal perspective or is it one of the ones where you are showing the perspective of other narcissists?
I will let you work that out.
Thank you for the response. I asked since you have said you lean more towards psychopath than narcissist – so I wondered if it was different for you personally than pure narcissists.
Watching Lou on Netflix. Her child is stolen and an old CIA women helps her. She says” “ and yet you stayed? You could have left him sooner.” She responds “what is it you know about being with someone like him? So maybe don’t tell me what I should have done. I didn’t recognize you he was when I met him. When I met him he was so loving and caring. I actually thought I could fix him. But so broken. For so long I thought it was me. Why am I failing him? Why isn’t my love enough? He is broken. He is a monster. Not enough live in this world to save him.” I can’t watch a movie without your advice!!! Wisdom!!!
I recommend the article: Angel of my creation.
.. .. That person don’t exist — love don’t exist.
Love is a concept, not a feeling (feelings are the product of the five senses – organs – and are free of concepts). Unconditional love is a further concept of „giving a blank cheque“ to a person. Meaning – no matter what a person did or will do – i will not put the person through a judgment of preoccupations of „you do it because you are flawed, or an evil creature by design“.
Danger in that mindset there is for an addict, unexperienced or a child and should be kept at a distance from them. I agree.
For all of those who throw their „unconditional love“ left and right; How easy it must be for you to give that blank cheque, that concept of unconditional love to someone who is nice and perfect and never do any mistakes, not threatening your instincts of survival – is a saint or a child who is a puppy and not harming anyone. Easy! There you go – that cheque is yours! Signed.
How hard is it though to give that blank cheque to someone who is the opposite of a saint, isn’t it?
Who is to say who is worthy of it or not?
For sure the degree of „he/she will never change“ should be recognized and why bother about someone who is able to turn you into the living-dead and make your life a hell. Free yourself if you can. You never signed a contract to be their punching bag.
However when people speak of love or unconditional love, do they really realize what it is? And how free of addiction or justification and good vs bad concepts it logically should be.
I would think whatever have created us, gave us that blank cheque. There is no preference of one or another kind. There is a spectrum of what is possible and an option to find that out. An infinite chance, because life never dies actually, as decomposing and composing processes run this experience we call life. Organic life.
Are we capable of or should we even give a blank cheque to ourselves?
(A theory, of course)
Some of what you say resonates with me. Most essentially, the idea that everyone has the potential for divine love and that is the “blank check” from the Creator. But a conscious human being must begin accessing that potential in order for it to advance beyond a merely potential state. I do not believe we have endless chances, personally. This is supported by many scriptures. Right now, we all have access to consciousness and endless resources and information. Right now, we are alive human beings and we know this will not always be the case. Anyone who truly seeks can find in this moment of “reality.” It will take dedication and time and definitely a disinterest in the “mainstream.” How will you spend your limited human time?
I did not create the internet which connects me to resources such as these. I did not write the books that illuminate my experience. I did not generate the motivation to watch certain documentaries that have shaped my journey. Rather, I received all of this. They are unfathomable gifts of enlightenment. HG says that he does not self-reflect. But if he did not, he could not be the Ultra. (He would be my husband!) As he can self-reflect, he has been blessed with a consciousness that can turn towards the Benevolent God who is clearly using him.
In terms of the boundaries, as a post-supernova super empath, I experience them in a way that feels just and right. All of my sufferings at the hands of narcissists (copious amounts) have been silver-lined blessings. They have brought me here. They never actually dimmed my light, because they can’t. And that is the ultimate realization. It is not about being a punching bag. It is about being a punching bag long enough to realize fully that you cannot truly be punched.
I enjoyed reading your view Jay S !! Thank you very much for sharing it! :))
I’m moving between two states which are: 1) We have infinite chances (reincarnation of the soul) to finally get to the point of using our full potential because one short life seem just not enough to get there. 2) And I’m also towards a theory that we have just one life and never get another chance. And some humans are lucky to be given the information or a state or abilities of how to access the full potential within one short life. I only read or hear about this cases. I never met someone personally who is close to what I think a human in his/her full abilities is like. They might hide from us, or hide amongst us, who knows. Some children seem to have an interesting starting point but an intervener (parent/teacher) usually lead them to a direction of the limitation due to their own conditioning and a child follows the same path later on. There is little space to escape this circle of syntax that is hammered into our perception of the world and our abilities as we learn ourselves trough life. But I guess the evolution is working on it constantly. Will my soul benefit from it in the future-incarnations or am I given just a glimpse of what is possible, as I live now and that’s it? Sure I have a preference where I want to lean towards to and it keeps changing all the time. It is confusing and unpractical in order to set aims because what we believe/want – give us direction and motivation. My(?) believes are sabotaged by my perception. And I cannot find answers to some questions. Grateful for the Holy Grail giving the missing link for understanding. We’ll see how far it goes ⚈❥⚆ Sometimes it feels the further I move, the more I stuck..
Maybe I could stop feeling stuck by stop moving and go down towards the inevitable. The unknown is naturally scary but it’s the nature of evolution. Dinosaurs intended flight and the birds profit from both stages now – the air and the ground. Given HG’s knowledge I see the parallel of both stages – empathy+narcissism – if understood can give us new intentions that go beyond limitations of „sticking to the ground“.
Jordyguin, wouldn’t it be so nice to just know?! I think it’s possible that we evolved from lower states, and now we are humans. Not everyone evolved from lower states. Just those of us who have a divine spark, or whatever you might call it. And now those of us who continue the evolution will go on again, and some will not. I think these concepts are reflected in various religious traditions, such as gnostic christianity. Obviously just a theory.
I am now thinking about the scariness of the unknown that you mention. I see that HG offers a seemingly ominous video on ‘The Empath’s Ascent.’ Could pursuing knowledge and truth and goodness really be a bad thing? One thing is for sure – I am no longer on the miserable, trapped path I was on. Every day, I recenter myself on goodness and positivity and humility. I don’t worry anymore, certainly not like I used to.
My biggest (only?) problem is that I married a textbook midrange narcissist and I don’t want my children to grow up in a broken home.. Also, yes, I still want him to get better and feel joy and smile for the first time in his life. Why, HG, why can’t he feel joy? I’m not leaving, so the only option left is discard. I don’t think he wants to do that, but it seems he knows that continuing in this means he would have to address the narcissism.. He’s like an angry baby octopus lashing out everywhere right now. We’ll see.
It is exhausting bumping into the wrong people all the time…I agree..a waste of time and energy.. that’s why I’m not a bed hopper and that’s why Charles never let go of Camilla despite the whole world being against him…he found his sanctuary and sanity…. despite what narcs do and think a hareem of stupid, needy women isn’t the answer…if it was you wouldn’t need so many… it’s wonderful when you can build a lasting and trusting relationship with one person like our monarchs have done..that becomes your strength and stay …great writing at 2.30am..i’ve met a bigger workaholic than me .
I’m going to pull back the curtain and let you know these blog posts are reposts and probably scheduled. HG isn’t up writing them in the wee hours. It’d be fair to say that HG is much slacker in the blog writing area than you give him credit for and so the workaholic prize is yours….;)
Also, I might just point out that this blog’s readership includes women who’ve been in difficult and exploitative relationships with narcissists. If they’re still feeling sensitive or embarrassed that they were tricked or taken for granted in those relationships reading phrases like ‘needy and stupid women’ could hurt them. Narcissists are sneaky buggers who mislead and manipulate and take advantage of kindness and care. Of course, men and women both can inadvertently become victims of narcissists.
It’s good to know you see value in lasting and trusting relationships. You’re clearly not a narcissist!
Oh, reading this slowly, during the meal break, was as enjoyable and invigorating as taking a dip in the waves of a cool lake. The world stopped for 10 minutes and didn’t move a millimeter, even though everything on the outside squeaked and burst at the seams.
Wonderful feeling. Thank you.
And now, with satisfaction, I am come back in the middle of this crazy whirlwind that I hate and love so much.
Today I am like a statue of liberty, ha ha ha 🙂