The Fading Star
I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or discard. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time.
The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.
The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.
A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.
The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others) and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.
Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them. Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.
The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.
If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.
A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –
- Secure a new primary source immediately;
- Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
- Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.
The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.
21 thoughts on “The Fading Star”
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Interesting. What happens then if a narcissist is say for example in solitary confinement or completely isolated for a long period of time? Will they start to talk to themselves? will they break faster than a neurotypical? Can a narcissist learn to gain fuel from themselves? or from inanimate sources such as music? Can they evolve into something else? I find this intriguing indeed.
They will experience a fuel crisis.
A narcissist does not gain fuel from music.
HG, Does that mean a narcissist doesn’t experience a song making them feel good, or uplifting their mood??
The narcissist will triangulate with the song with regard to supposed feelings.
Interesting, so a narcissist will say, ” this song expresses how I feel about you. ” But, it makes them feel nothing, no goose bumps, no surge of glee and warmth? I just can’t imagine feeling nothing with music. I get so many emotions from music, my mind and body reacts to music, good feelings and bad.
Thanks for your reply, HG xx
Rebecca, they don’t have to say anything. N1, N2 and Narcissus from work quite often send me e.g. music files. Sometimes without a word, after a few months of silence. The intention and message of these songs are very clear and obvious to me.
A few months ago, when I pushed the N1 away from me, he sent me a music file with the words: “This is a punishment.” The aggression and vulgar masculinity contained in this song was disgusting. Although I am used to both soft and very strong and dark music.
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I also use music, although not directly to the addressee. I don’t speak first to any N. That doesn’t mean I don’t send smoke signals on the public airwaves. Sometimes it is a strong message, and sometimes a very veiled message. Sometimes you have to look in unspecific places.
I like my smoke signal to be found, identified and have the intended effect (beyond words).
NOTHING, yet SOMETHING.
Sad existence.. constantly chasing people…this woman…that woman…any woman…a disgrace of a life .
Oh wow, I was thinking it was the outgoing IPPS that was the fading star! Of course not!
https://narcsite.com/2021/01/18/the-fading-star-9/#comment-396723
Can I ask you, if you don’t mind, what prompted you to take the ‘16 personalities’ test 25 year prior to doing this test again?
Sure, no problem. My son was in a class that did it in high school and since I was involved with the class, they suggested I take it. The second results are much more fitting, only one letter different but it makes a huge difference. I’ve since heard that they now say it will change over the course of ones life, who knows. I don’t think mine did, the first one was never quite right. Why do you ask?
Oh, I think I misread your question. The first time I took it, I was in a class myself, as an adult, and they had us all take it. It was when I was ensnared and I think that messed me up in how I answered.
AV,
I thought it was the IPPS as they go through a brutal devaluation and disengagement, and finally….the depression stage for the IPPS…and that’s what I thought the “fading star” was… the depressed empath. Nope, it’s the depressed narcissist. Well, at least I got the depressed part right…silly me. 😆
Haha, I thought the same Rebecca!
Funny, an hour ago, just before going to bed, I thought I was like a Twinkling Star, that glows as he gets closer and fades as he moves away…
And now I woke up from a dream in which I was snuggling against his warm body, I looked a fragment of his chin and mouth, with his specific smile of a little boy. Near and far (disrupted communication between us). I haven’t dreamed about him for many months. Something is happening, I can feel it. The words: “Yeleng bush” (phonetically) punctured and I’m trying to find out what they mean. It was this rare, intensely real dream, that meant something.
I’m worried about him. I’m afraid something bad is happening to him.
‐—‐————–
Yes, I know. It’s irrational. I haven’t seen a human in over 15 years. And in 1.5 hours I get up to work.
What kind of idiot wrote this crap above? Hahaha 🙂
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But I confess, I searched and found. “Ye leng bushi” – phonetic from Chinese, sounds like it I heard in a dream. It means: “Also cold, right?” Hmmm…
JOA,
Madonna’s song ‘LUCKY STAR’ goes through my head as I read your comments.
JOA,
This reply is for you, but for your comment about you using music to send messages. I do this too. I don’t always send a written comment with it,but the receiver gets the message. It’s obvious by the lyrics for me too. Rather it’s to stir a memory, a feeling or a strong message, the music does what its suppose to do.
Rebecca, I rarely recall memories of dealing with Narcissists. Here and now.
When I upload a music file somewhere in the public space, I rather “inform” about my emotional state NOW. Business card.
I know how this business card will be read by individual recipients (including those who pretend that they are not in this space). It is interesting that each of them will react to the same business card differently, sometimes extremely differently.
Yes, music has a huge influence on me as well.
Joa,
I do it differently than you, I send the music file directly to them and the message is clear, without words, how they react to it is different for each person and also the relationship I have with them. I’ve discovered I have quite a few narcs in my extended family, especially my father’s side, who were raised by a narc mother. The behaviors and the other indicators are clear red flags to me now. I give them the benefit of the doubt, because I want to see the good in people, but each time, they’re just standing there holding their red flag and not a clue one, that they’re holding it and it’s dancing in the wind….waving at me.
Do songs ever give you goosebumps? There’s one song, no matter how often I hear it, it gives me goosebumps. Mister Mister’s song, Broken Wings. There are others, more recent songs, but that one stands out the most to me. Some songs make me cry, no matter how often I hear them. Elton John’s song, Candle in the Wind….tissues please…
I almost fell asleep writing this. Yesterday was a hard day.
I fell asleep a second after clicking “Reply”. It’s a miracle, that I managed to hit the screen with my finger, while fighting the increasing fog and drooping eyelids 🙂
I will clarify. I mention it quite often, but far from N. It doesn’t make sense with them and I have the impression that it bores them. Unless sometimes some short, strong accent. That’s all they can handle 🙂
So memories are for me 🙂 Come, come to me 🙂
Rebecca, of course, I get goosebumps a lot, when listening to music. I feel it the most on my head – my hair stands on end, my excitement or tenderness grows 🙂
Mr. Mister “Broken Wings” – no, this song doesn’t affect me that much, but it creates a nice, soppy atmosphere, because it’s one of the songs from my mother’s cassette tapes, that I listened to with her and my sister in childhood. Every song from these cassettes (I remember them all) evokes this kind of pleasant longing in me 🙂
Elton John “Candle In The Wind” – nooo! Elton John to me is like Celine Dion to HG, ha ha ha 🙂 He has maybe two good songs and that’s it.
(God, I hope HG isn’t Elton John, ha ha ha :P).
Each of us is different and has its own “rhythms”, memories, habits, internal codes, that affect what delights, moves and inspires us. The most important thing is that we all here feel it, right? 🙂