The Fading Star
I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or discard. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time.
The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.
The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.
A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.
The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others) and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.
Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them. Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.
The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.
If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.
A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –
- Secure a new primary source immediately;
- Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
- Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.
The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.
34 thoughts on “The Fading Star”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
HG can a narcissist have depression on a fuel crisis? O It is a colapse.Because you like yo use diferent words for víctimas and narcissist… and depression sounds more a victim stage.
HG, I came out of work last week, and was walking across the car park to my car, when I saw the ex standing by my car with a cricket bat. When I saw him, I quickly ducked down behind the car beside me. My ex never saw me. I went back into my building and left by another entrance and got the Tube home. I left my car in the car park.
On Saturday, I went to the local park and went for a run and when I got back to my car my ex appeared from behind a tree, again holding a cricket bat and this time he was swinging it in my direction. I didn’t say anything to him, just got into my car and drove away. He also got into his car and followed me. I managed to lose him after a while.
Today, I went to the local Deli to grab takeout for lunch and I saw him sitting on a wall near my work. I didn’t say anything and sprinted back to the office.
HG, I am no contact for a longtime with my ex. He is with New Supply and has been with her for ages.
In your opinion HG, is this him trying to do a malign hoover as well as control and trying to obtain fuel.
Thank you HG.
1. Not new supply, awful term. Use New IPPS instead.
2. Well done on your evading responses, you use logic and HG approves.
3. You are being hoovered. It is not entirely clear form what you have explained the manner in which he was swinging the bat – was he playing a stroke or was he brandishing it? If the latter, it was a malign hoover.
Thank you HG, I am very grateful for your advice.
It was the latter, he was swinging it with the intention being that he will/wanted to hit me. It was quite clear he was looking for a reaction and for there to be some interaction between me and him. It appeared to me that he wanted me to stop being no contact with him. He also looked quite angry at me. It would be a malign hoover.
HG, I am forever in your debt and you have no idea how thankful I am to you, for all your incredible advice and brilliant videos. I shall continue to follow your advice and stay no contact.
Thank you for your time HG. 💗
You are welcome.
Good God that’s terrifying. A good reminder we can’t let our guard down. Especially when they still know a way to get in touch with us.
HG, as the Ultra, how do you think you will cope with this. Or will it not bother you a bit. Thank you HG. 💗
It will not be a problem for the Ultra.
I’m not sure how I’ve missed this one before, but it’s incredibly helpful. It seems I am always learning something from you, HG.
It is all about the learning here Fox.
This article makes me sad for the narcissist, that they are so driven by their own self defense system that they cannot not live this way, they can’t go with the flow and let life happen. I didn’t know my ex husband was a narcissist until recently but I did know that he has not had peace, the ability to just relax and enjoy life, things needing to be built in to every situation to allow for changes, should be need to make them. It looked like so much work as I watched him doing this, sometimes insisting I help, I didn’t understand it. It was a subtle and quiet form of chaos, not one we missed after he left. But sad, and as he gets sicker and older I wonder sometimes how he will fare but not enough to break no contact.
This has been exactly my experience. Though I am nowhere near old, I have had countless narc boyfriends and a narc husband. It’s been educational – watching them & watching my reactions. They seem so incredibly fragile & dependent for all their omnipotence & omniscience.
When you peel back a couple of layers, there is this black hole. Eventually, true to physics, it consumes them too. It’s hard to envy, even with all the glory it seems to bring in modern day society.
I started out wanting to fix them, or at least understand them. That made it easy to pull to me in, I was almost willing, just to see how the spaghettification would feel. All that drama, all that pretense, all that manipulation – for what? Just to get up and repeat it the next day? But their veils as HG states are so sticky, so attractive. That is what fascinates me.
I tend towards the idea that contradictions & opposites hide/reveal truth.
The narc/empath polarity is fascinating to me in that philosophical regard. On a personal level, it’s the pain/pleasure dynamic. When you are in one polarity- it’s almost as though you magnetize the other.
So I think to understand being an empath (or to be a successful empath) you have to understand being a narcissist intimately, and vice-versa hence HG’s astute explanations of empath reality. It’s almost like one is intimately linked to the other on an internal level.
Interesting analogy in your comment.
Hi Super, I saw this comment from you earlier and knew I wanted to really read it well and respond when I had time to think, so now, having found it again, I will respond.
I think my “addiction”, as HG puts it, to the narcissist, any narcissist, is very much what you said, opposites attracting, and we are magnets for each other! It’s really crazy, until coming here I had no idea why I was attracted to, honestly, sort of misfits, they were unique, that made it fun! I am also a misfit, so, we “fit” together! I am also coming to see that we are of value, I am of value, and as such we/I deserve to be treated well. But, the narcissist realizes we don’t see this about ourselves, or at least some of us don’t, but rather that we will just give instead of requiring proper treatment from them, and they exploit this quality.
I do not believe that they don’t see the reality of what we are as empaths, though with the lessers and mid range, not consciously. But I do believe they see it and apply it to their needs. But in so doing, they must distract, disillusion, distort our view of them, enough to enchant us anyway. It is easy, they know what we are and we choose not to know what they are but rather accept what they want us to see and know. It is the darkness of them against the lightness of us, it creates drama. And, I think their “veils” work so well on us for this reason. I also definitely think that to avoid this happening again, we must know about them and, in so learning, we also learn about us. Both sides equally as interesting in my opinion. I have so often been shocked by some of the things narcissists do but found it interesting nonetheless.
I am getting older and have only had 4 profound relationships, 2 I married and the other two each lasted 3-4 months. So, not as much experience but I can clearly see that 3 of these, maybe all 4, are narcissists, those 3 with the same needs, my mother as well, and creating the same chaos in the lives of those who just wish to love them. Now, I will give my love to my children and grandchildren before I throw it away on one of these again, and rely on my new knowledge and help from the people here, HG, my family and a few good friends who get it should I ever decide to date again.
Thank you for your comment, most thought provoking.
Thank you for sharing your experience A Victor. It helps so much to learn that other people go through the same things. Narcissists tend to isolate a person, and that makes it hard to relate to others who, as HG writes, are often turned against you or perceive you as being slightly unhinged.
I’m a theoretical physicist so I tend towards theory, philosophy & require a deep understanding of things I encounter. I definitely overthink – but it helps me, and it is refreshing & humbling to hear it helps others.
I am thankful to HG for giving us this space to communicate.
Super, my experience was a bit different, I was not isolated, except as I chose to be and except with regard to the relationship with my ex. He treated me quite well for the most part, in many ways, his form of control being subtle but complete. I had a lot of “freedom”, a lot of choice, in many ways that many empaths do not. I was given broad parameters and as long as I worked within them, my life was not horrible. Even if I were to step outside of them, my life was not horrible as some can be, but rather I was just calmly put back in. I have not experienced difficulty relating to others, by and large I prefer not to, but it is not a difficulty if I choose to do so. I have also not experienced being turned against, except by a couple of people who did not matter, and I was viewed as unhinged once, almost laughable now, looking back. I did not intend to imply these things were my experience. But, what I did experience was still very much living with a narcissist, the control and the fuel being all consuming for him. All empaths who have dealt with narcissists have similarities but, there are differences within the group as well. This is where different viewpoints are welcome, to broaden the understanding of narcissism overall, different experiences that people have with it.
Being an overthinker is a typical trait of many empaths I think. We are truth seekers, so we must think a lot, in order to discover the truth. It is always nice when people share their experiences, understanding and revelations, thus giving more food for thought.
This is a wonderful place, a place where people can share and feel safe, I am ever so grateful for it as well.
Hey AV, I reckon I may actually understand you more than you realise – I am not wanting to go into it on this blog (unless you are ok about it and whether HG will moderate this comment – knowing him, he may do, he may not, because of the individuals you and I are) – I may be wrong but I don’t think I am. I have shared a lot on this blog and I have quite a good understanding about myself as an individual. I reckon there is more to you than you have ‘discovered’. I thought about it quite a number of weeks ago. It is not even related to narcissism. There is summat very unique about you, AV. And if I am right, you are more unique than you realise. There may be more reading involved, yet a further discovery & understanding – which would not take long, neither a surprise – because narcissism is much bigger than what I am thinking here.
Sure Asp Emp, I’d be happy to discuss your thoughts. We can do it here if you are okay with that, and HG as well. Since I have no idea what it’s about, you would know better than I if this is an appropriate place. I don’t know how we would go anywhere else though as…we can’t, I think that’s one of the rules. You have piqued my curiosity!
AV, you make it sound as if we are ‘up to no good’ 😉 by saying “I don’t know how we would go anywhere else though”….. laughing. As you say you are learning about yourself while being here on this blog, I think you will ‘discover’ aspects of yourself as you progress. Out of curiosity, I took this test on ’16 Personalities’ site and was interested to see the results. I suppose, I also did this because I was diagnosed with Aspergers 7 years ago, now I wonder yet still have some of the traits as listed. Let’s go somewhere later AV 😉
The isolation in all this was the worst for me ,also having people turned against me for no apparent reason. I find that I always want to find out why being a truthseeker myself, but then I realize there is no point as it just drains you out emotionally
Eternity, I am so sorry that you experienced isolation and abandonment, that had to be horrible! Now you have figured it out I suppose? Being here? This makes it all make sense for me, as emotional as it can be at times. It is making me stronger and better, I can already tell.
A Victor, please don’t feel.sorry it is done now. You can’t change the past ,but we can definitely change the future and being here did help.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Eternity, have you done the EDC? On another thread some of us were discussing that we don’t look back so much, as you state, so this makes me curious, if you know your combo. I think the Carrier cadre is the one that people seem to have this outlook. I know some don’t discuss their EDC if they have done it, so no problem if you don’t.
Hi A Victor,
No , I actually haven’t done the EDC.
Perhaps I should I am curious though.
I have no trouble discussing it when I get around to do it for sure.
What category do you fall in if you don’t mind me asking. I need to read more of the schools. I have a feeling I could be a magnet one but not sure.
Eternity, I am majority Standard with a very strong Super element, majority Savior, significant minority Carrier and insignificant minority Geyser. I have found it to be extremely helpful knowing this on my road to freedom, I highly recommend doing it if you are interested, for me, so much of my behavior makes sense now. And, HG told me the type of narcissists that would be the most attracted to me and guess what? I was married to one of those exact ones! I didn’t even suspect he was a narcissist when I did the EDC! It was impressive. Can’t wait to hear your results if you decide to send one in!
Wow , thank you so much for sharing A Victor. Very impressive. It is a good idea for me to do it then it will probably help me in my future.
Super, one more thought, I am truly sorry that you had these experiences, all of us have suffered from our encounters with the narcissists, I am glad you made it here and can gain support and understanding.
A Victor – thank you. I am good. I don’t consider these relationships negative experiences. They taught me about myself, and they taught me to be a version of myself that I prefer to what existed before. Stronger, humbler, happier, better educated and more observant.
Also I don’t hold it against the narcs by any means- just because they didn’t experience the good times or because they tried to destroy the good times afterwards, doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy the hell out of the good times. And the bad times pulled me inside of myself to deal with the darkness in there. Worthwhile energy spent.
Cause and effect are often viewed linearly in our world. I don’t think they are quite so clear cut. For me lessons are cyclical – and they get deeper as layers get peeled off. It’s hard for me to be too judgmental of situations or other people. For me the universal lesson learned from a particular situation is always the relevant point. Science nerd through and through here. I’m happy to succumb to difficult emotions for a time if I can grasp a measure of personal truth from the situation eventually.
Super, I am glad for you that you are doing so well. Take care.
Ah, Asp Emp, I love the 16 personalities! I have taken the test twice, about 25 years apart. The results were close but the second much more fitting. I was older so I probably answered with more knowledge of who I am. Is this what you wish to talk about? Or is there something more? Still curious. And yes, going someplace else would seem sort of naughty, hahaha!!
Any time Eternity! I think it would be helpful for you! I always find it fun to learn about myself! Haha! And informative.
It dawned on me tonight that we were seeing Ex Machina in real time. It helps me to understand that concept, that one has been difficult for me.
Nope. Don’t do it, AV. “This article makes me sad for the narcissist” is tempting to be sure, but IMHO it’s a slippery slope. First we feel bad and next thing you know, you’ve gone and given them a ring. I used to feel bad, but no longer.
Thank you BC30! That is the sweetest thing anyone has said to me all day! Never fear, I would never contact my ex, and the summer narc gets no sympathy! Haha! It is good for me to read an article such as Let Me Take You on a Trip after one like this, gets me back on the ground about the narcissist reality! Thank you again!