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11 thoughts on “Alienated From the Grandchildren”
Coming here to vent after the birth of my first grandchild. Not about the baby or her mother, who is my lovely empathic daughter, btw <3
I'm here to vent about the 'other mother', maybe make that two if we include the other daughter's future MIL.
If anyone needs an example of a victim narcissist at a time like this, I think I can give a pretty good example.
My eldest daughter organised a baby shower for her sister to which numerous family members and friends were invited. Her prospective MIL was sent an invitation, reminded in the run up to the day and given an opportunity to respond as was everyone else. She did not respond, received a further reminder on the day and 'crickets'. My daughter heard nothing, she didn't show up, and we even had a "future grandma" badge waiting for her. I had thought about dropping it off to her afterwards, but delayed. Glad I did now. She subsequently put crying emojis on every post which followed the baby shower where people were complementing my daughter and the celebration. She behaved as though she had not been invited and was left out of the celebrations.
Subsequently, my daughter and her partner visited with her prior to the baby being born and by that time she had deleted her self-pitying posts and showered them with gifts for the newborn.
I had a conversation with my daughter following this charade and it won't be the first time I've suggested a distancing from this drama queen come chaos creator. My other daughter suggested for now we focus on the positives of the new arrival's birth. She's having to hold me back!
One other reason for that being, since the little one was born and come home soon afterwards, I've discovered her other grandmother has not had the necessary vaccinations for whooping cough and the flu to be able to visit – at least not for the first six weeks. This is not a case of uncertainty about vaccination, but purely and simply a means of gaining attention over and above the new born child.
To put it in simple terms, I'm livid about her ridiculous and self centred antics taking the shine of my daughter and her new arrival's special moment. We, as a family, are making up for it as we shower them with the love and support they need. I know my daughter had very little expectation of her MIL and it's just as well. At the same time it hurts me that she has to put up with it, especially while being so vulnerable right now.
Classic case of victim narcissist creating a scenario of poor me, sabotaging her own and any one else's happiness in the circumstances, and seeking attention for herself that rightfully belongs to the new addition to the family.
When I read the headline to this article all I could think was that there are grandparents that deserve, nay should, be alienated from their grandchildren for all the harm they can do.
Thank you, HG, for letting me vent. There'll probably be more as she's not the only narcissist on the horizon.
I am sorry your daughter’s pregnancy and shower were impacted that way, by her MIL. But I have to say, isn’t it amazing when we can see the behaviours so clearly and start to recognize the typical nature of it (i.e., the narc’s overshadowing of special events)?
“When I read the headline to this article all I could think was that there are grandparents that deserve, nay should, be alienated from their grandchildren for all the harm they can do.”
I had similar thoughts and completely agree with this.
I appreciate your thoughts, and thankfully my daughter has enough experience of her MIL that she handled it like water off a duck’s back. In some respects, I think that is a shame as this is typical empath behaviour where we put up with the bad behaviour of the narcissist. In other respects it means she didn’t allow it to spoil her occasion, and allowed others to see what is happening – the narcissist reveals themselves – the problem being that the behaviour continues and continues to impact over time. I’m probably thinking long term here as its already been going on for a long time, but now we have a vulnerable infant to add to the mix. The overshadowing, or self centred nature, of the narcissist is a sight to behold.
Congratulations! Don’t let the narc antics distract you. Dismiss them and enjoy this wonderful time. What the narc does or doesn’t do is utterly irrelevant. Carry on doing exactly what you feel is best for your daughter and grandchild and don’t give that narc any oxygen at all! Really happy for you and yours. Xx
Thank you, TS 🙂
You are right, and sound a little like my eldest daughter in saying that xo
She also suggested not bringing anything to do with the MIL up around my daughter or her partner as a way of not spoiling the moment. I agree, and haven’t asked any further questions about whether she’s been in contact (which I did originally, expecting her to want to be involved). Now I just assume the distance created is probably a good thing. For the most part I don’t interfere, I just worry a new baby has no ability to protect themselves and hope my daughter and her partner are capable of establishing the necessary boundaries with her. She is the mother who has directly told her children from a very young age that she wished she never had them, they’ve ruined her life, etc. At the ‘gender reveal’ months prior, she said to me about my daughter “Now you’re going to have to do everything for her”, as in my daughter was somehow going to make demands of me that I would have to fufill without a thought that I would be happy to support my daughter in any way she needed. I told her “I’ll do whatever she needs me to do”, suggesting that my daughter was in control of how much involvement she might want from me, and either way ‘resentment’ was not going to be a factor in our relationship. One thing I have noticed is that both future MIL’s are full of resentment towards their children and it’s something I’ll never understand. They consistently drop these ‘one liners’ that express their deep resentment, which I find really disturbing. It comes out in different way at different times, but ultimately it adds up to their children are not living up to their expectations, or they’re not getting what they need, forgetting that they are the ones that brought these children into the world. It’s not about them (the parents).
OK, that was even more of a rant, so I’ll stop there!
Focusing on the positives for now xox
First, Congratulations!!! That is so awesome!
Also, I am so sorry LET, for both you and your daughter to have experienced. There are so many emotions around a new child and different in that they are shared with others at our same “level” of importance in the child’s life. I have struggled to traverse this with non narcs, I feel it is another area I was unprepared for emotionally, not saying this is true for you, I just know it has been for me. But even worse if dealing with a narcissist. Much worse. We all know how that goes. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you, AV <3 We're both in a place of awesomeness right now 🙂
When it comes to the MIL, we are not dwelling on it and the focus is on the new baby. I just had to have an outlet for the frustration that I wasn't expecting to have to deal with and hoping it doesn't impact my daughter too much. Her little one will be totally unaware, and my daughter and her partner will hopefully provide any necessary protection. It's amazing the instincts having a child brings out in you.
There are lots of emotions and we can't contain them all, which is probably why I'm spouting off here in this thread. I just don't understand it, am concerned about the impact it could have, and had previously been sucked into this narcissist's vortex before knowing what I was dealing with. It's a further wake up call for the new parents, and maybe with the vulnerability of their new arrival they might take it more seriously. In the past they've overlooked it, attempted to confront it, stepped aside from it and basically made a decision along the lines of "that's just how she is" … until "how she is" becomes an overriding factor that impacts their child.
As this is my first grandchild, I'm aware you have a lot more experience of traversing these sometimes murky waters. I can't remember if this is only your second daughter having a baby (I know you have another married to a narcissist – more very murky waters – with children), but being a first for her will be another new experience for both of you. She is another vulnerable empath from what I understand, and negotiating the new relationships that are created is going to take time depending on who is in the mix and whether that includes any narcissists. If it's difficult with non-narcs, I guess we can multiply that a few hundred times over with narcs!
Once again, very glad your daughter had a safe delivery and hope mother and baby are doing well <3 This new arrival is very fortunate to have a you as a loving and 'aware' grandma xo
What is the best option for the child? In your opinion HG. To avoid adverse consequences to the children
See Child Defender.
What is the best option for the children,? In your opinion HG.To avoid adverse consequences to the child
A brilliant and useful guide for those that may find themselves in a similar situation. No doubt this would be a useful accompaniment to some of HG’s assistance packages, especially where children are concerned. Thank you for doing this, HG 🙂