A Letter to the Narcissist No. 6
I don’t know what to say to you anymore.
I can’t muster up the anger I once had and I definitely can’t muster up any love. You are becoming more and more of a memory that will hopefully be completely gone.
There was a time when I would have given you anything in the world, anything you asked for. I do wish you knew that. But you killed that person, that woman who thought she had at last found her soulmate. I’m more of a husk now I’m sorry to say, more of a hole, just like you.
You won because I won’t even try to find love anymore. I wish I could say I would. I’ve had it in the past and I know what it looks like but no, I won’t try.
I know you’ll keep trying to find what you think is love. I know you are desperately trying to find it now and it doesn’t hurt anymore. I just feel apathy.
I’m weary inside. I’m worn out. I’m dry and I have nothing to give which I guess is a good thing. I won’t even respond to any offers of love, not from anyone and definitely not from you.
You are not who I thought you were but I’m not who I was anymore. The smile has faded, my bones ache and there’s nothing here for you anymore. You said that I am lower than a homeless person and in many ways you are right. I have a lot in common with them because we both have nothing left to fight for anymore. Nevertheless, there is one thing which is on the bright side and that is the fact that I won’t be fighting for your love anymore either.
11 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist No. 6”
Another relatable letter.
Luckily I don’t often experience apathy anymore.
But the dating arena still feels distant. I dare not trust and what is a relationship without trust?
Jasmin, I understand this completely, it is still scary for me also.
It’s just our feeling.
But in fact, this empty shell quickly begins to fill with moss, delicate light green shoots, tiny flowers, tiny creatures.
We feel empty only because it is not a vibrant colorful meadow with lush vegetation, that reaches knees, or maybe waist.
However, if the substrate is suitable, even a forest can be formed.
When he came back after 13 years, I tried to discourage him in many ways. I greeted with polite coolness, ignored, belittled, yawned, mocked, ironic, spilled slop, talked unwelcomingly about my life.
“Don’t you understand, that I have absolutely NOTHING to offer anymore?! – I finally asked. He didn’t answer. And nothing get angry to him, not discouraged. He drilled and drilled on.
I was wrong. My meadow burst into flowers and was as lush as it was then. Many more types of flowers. Much more variety.
I plant a forest. Alone. I prefer more shade.
Beautifully written Joa.
Alone isn’t bad.
I’ve been single for over 16 years.
Everything has its pluses and minuses.
13 years here this year, you are so right, I’ll stay happily alone before risking another ensnarement. But, I am gaining confidence in my ability to detect red flags and also I have faith in HG’s ability to assist if there are concerns. Thinking this makes it a choice for me which makes me feel better, less trapped, than feeling like I was, being controlled by my fear. Not that you are, not saying that at all, just where I’m at today. May change tomorrow! 🙂
This is very moving. When you’re sucked dry until your skin is nothing but a hollow sack and then thrown away by the roadside with the rest of the roadkill. There can still be dignity in that place though. I hope you do not think that you have to get back to who you once were, it is not the only option. When you lost everything, you have now nothing left to lose. This can become liberating. A liberation that your ex will never have.
“When you lost everything, you have now nothing left to lose. This can become liberating.”
There is a truth in that.
So much truth in that but it’s irritating (understanding) that we are the ones who have to lose so much before we are liberated.
This was how I felt for at least 5 years after my ex left. After another 5, started to consider going on a date… maybe. They really take a toll on us.
Wow. I could understand how MLO once felt / thought.
Some empaths do understand because they may have been in a similar place, others do not understand because they do not have similar empath make-up ie measurements of traits / schools / cadres AND may have different upbringing experiences, maybe less abuse, or more abuse. Different cultures? Different neurodiversity? All these ‘variations’ despite the addiction to narcissism AND narcissistic abuse being the same “language” – the results (‘principles’) are the same – it creates either more narcissists, or empaths that may ‘influence’ others around them because of their own experiences.
The image quite rightly gives a visual perception of MLO’s mental / emotional state at the time of composing her letter.